Schtick Figures (The Cool, the Comical, the Crazy)
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Released March 06, 1952
Featuring Moe, Larry and Shemp
Featuring Moe, Larry and Shemp
Columbia
17.1 min. (Short Subject)
17.1 min. (Short Subject)
The Stooges are arrested for vagrancy, but the Judge releases them for lack of evidence. Working as door-to-door repairmen, the boys are hired to fix the wiring in a home. When the chef quits, they help out by making a disastrous birthday dinner for their employer, who turns out to be the Judge who released them!
A reworking of two earlier Three Stooges comedies, with the electrician sequences adapted from THEY STOOGE TO CONGA (1943), and the cooking scenes adapted from AN ACHE IN EVERY STAKE (1941).
Avg. Rating: 
[9.00/10]
[9.00/10]
Larry Fine
Larry
Shemp Howard
Shemp
Moe Howard
Moe
Gil Perkins
Officer Ryan
Chick Collins
Officer Casey
Vernon Dent
Judge Henderson
Kathryn 'Kitty' McHugh
Mrs. Henderson
Emil Sitka
Francis, chef
John Hamilton
George Morton
Mary Emery
Lydia Morton
Betty Jane Pettit
Young blonde party guest
Harold Miller
Party guest
Herschel Graham
Party guest
Frank Mayo
Party guest
Harold Breen
Shemp's stand-in & double
Johnny Kascier
Moe's stand-in & double
Charles Cross
Larry's stand-in
Teddy Mangean
Larry's double
Unidentified LISTEN, JUDGE
Party guests
Hugh McCollum
Producer
Edward Bernds
Director
Elwood Ullman
Story and Screenplay
Ellis W. Carter
Director of Photography
Edwin Bryant
Film Editor
Charles Clague
Art Director
Carl Hiecke
Assistant Director
| Prod. No.: | 4180 |
| Shooting Days: | 3 days From: 1951-11-06 To: 1951-11-08 |
| Locations: |
|
No audio files are available for this episode.
Transcription by Stooge: 
LISTEN JUDGE
[ The short opens with an outside shot of a courthouse ]
[ Camera dissolves inside the courthouse, where a trial is taking place; Moe, Larry, and Shemp are standing in front of the judge’s stand, with two cops standing on opposite sides of the judge’s stand. Moe is wearing a large board sign that says “JIFFY FIXERS - WE REPAIR ENYTHING – IT’S DONE IN A FLASH FOR VERY SMALL CASH†]
JUDGE: [ to one of the cops ] Officer Ryan, you deserve a sharp reprimand for taking up the valuable time of this court with these flimsy cases! [ to the other cop ] And so does Officer Casey! [ pointing at the Stooges ] These men cannot be held for vagrancy! They have visible means of support!
[ Larry opens his suit coat and grabs one of his suspenders ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Does he mean our suspenders?
MOE: [ pulling the suspender ] Ohhh... [ lets go of the suspender, causing it to snap against Larry’s chest ]
LARRY: OW!
JUDGE: QUIET! [ tries to bang his gavel on the stand while looking down at a paper, but accidentally hits Officer Ryan’s hand ]
OFFICER RYAN: OWW!
JUDGE: I’m sorry, officer! [ looks at a paper ] This other charge -- chicken stealing. [ to the cops ] I’m not gonna make these poor unfortunates the victims of your prejudice and guesswork. Case dismissed for lack of evidence! [ to the Stooges ] You’re free, boys!
ALL STOOGES: Oh, thank you, your honor.
[ Suddenly, a chicken pokes his head out of Shemp’s suit coat and begins clucking. Shemp and Larry quickly stuff the chicken back in his suit coat ]
[ The judge looks up at the Stooges in confusion ]
SHEMP: [ clucking ]
JUDGE: What’s the matter with him?!
MOE: Oh, he thinks he’s a chicken.
JUDGE: Why don’t you put him in an institution?
LARRY: We can’t -- we need the eggs!
MOE: [ bonking Larry on the head ] Quiet!
[ The chicken flies out of Shemp’s suit coat and flies right into the judge''s face ]
MOE: Every man for himself!
[ The Stooges run towards the door ]
SHEMP: WHOA-OH-OH!
[ The Stooges run through the two doors and the two cops follow them. The Stooges push the doors towards the cops, knocking them down ]
[ Scene dissolves to the Stooges standing outside of the door to someone’s house. Shemp is now wearing the large "JIFFY FIXERS" board sign. He pulls a card off of the door. ]
SHEMP: Moe, you’re wastin’ your time! [ shows Moe the card ]
MOE: [ reading the card ] “Doorbell out of order.â€
SHEMP: If the doorbell is out of order, how are they gonna know we’re out here?!
MOE: Why don’t you use your head?!
SHEMP: Yeah! [ begins banging his head on the door repeatedly ]
MOE: [ looking off-camera ] Come in! [ turns over to Shemp and notices him banging his head on the door ]
SHEMP: [ stops banging his head ] Ain’t no answer!
MOE: There ain’t, eh? Well, get one! [ shoves Shemp into the door ]
SHEMP: OH!
[ The door opens and a woman named Mrs. Henderson appears ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Stop it! Stop it, before you knock the door down!
MOE: Well, that’s what your company will do if you don’t have the doorbell fixed.
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh! Can you fix it?
MOE: Can we fix it!
LARRY: Can we fix it!
SHEMP: Can we???
[ Larry and Mrs. Henderson walk inside of the house; Moe walks over to Shemp ]
MOE: Why, you... [ aims a punch at Shemp ]
[ Shemp quickly lifts up his board sign and causes Moe to smash his fist into it ]
MOE: OH! OOH! OOH! [ sneaks behind Shemp ]
[ Shemp peeks over his board sign and sees that Moe isn’t there, so he happily lowers his board sign. Moe taps Shemp on back of the head. Shemp looks back and Moe greets him by crunching his nose with pliers and pushing him in the house ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! OH, MOE!
MRS. HENDERSON: What is the meaning of this?!
LARRY: Well, lady...
[ Shemp accidentally bumps into Larry, causing Larry to bump into a shelf. A vase on top of the shelf falls over. ]
MRS. HENDERSON: AAAAHHHH!!! [ catches the vase ] Oh! Dear me! This vase is worth $3000!
ALL STOOGES: [ in elegant voices ] Vase!
MOE: [ in elegant voice ] Eh what, Harry, old boy?
SHEMP: [ to Larry, in elegant voice ] Do you have a bloater?
LARRY: [ in elegant voice ] No, but I have a sardine!
MOE: [ normal voice ] You’ll have to beat it, lady. We got a lot of work to do! [ pushes Mrs. Henderson away ]
MRS. HENDERSON: OH!
MOE: Thank you. [ looks around the place ] Now, you know, this looks like a simple job for simple people.
LARRY: Right!
[ Moe and Larry lift Shemp’s board sign off, then turn it to the other side and stand it up on the ground. The sign now says “MEN AT WORKâ€. ]
MOE: Chisel!
LARRY: Chisel! [ spins Shemp to the other side and takes a chisel from his toolbelt ]
MOE: Screwdriver!
LARRY: Screwdriver! [ spins Shemp to the other side and takes a screwdriver from his belt ]
MOE: Pliers!
LARRY: Pliers! [ spins Shemp around again and takes pliers from his belt ]
MOE: Brace & Bit!
LARRY: Brace & Bit! [ spins Shemp around and takes a bit from his belt ] Hold still! [ walks off-camera ]
SHEMP: Cut it out, fellas! I’m gettin’ dizzy!
MOE: Ah, you were born dizzy! Gimme that hammer! [ tries to pull a hammer from Shemp’s toolbelt but has trouble getting it out ]
SHEMP: Here, let me! [ pulls the hammer out and accidentally hits Moe on the face with it ]
MOE: OOH! [ hits Shemp on the head with the hammer ]
SHEMP: OH! OH!!
MOE: Shut up, now! There’s something wrong with the wiring!
[ Camera cuts over to Larry chopping a hole in the wall with an axe ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] We gotta find the wire!
[ Larry digs in the hole in the wall and pulls out a wire ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas, I found a wire!
MOE: Good work, Larry! You keep it up and I’m gonna give you some C-A-N-D-Y! [ holds up a lollipop ]
LARRY: Eh, I don’t smoke!
[ Shemp begins licking the lollipop that Moe’s holding up ]
MOE: [ slapping the lollipop against Shemp’s face ] Get away!
[ The lollipop sticks to the side of Shemp’s face, but he continues licking it anyway ]
MOE: Oh, no you don’t! [ takes out a plunger, yanks the lollipop off Shemp’s face, and sticks the plunger on Shemp’s face ] C’mon. [ walks over towards Larry and pulls Shemp by the plunger ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! OH!
[ When they get over to Larry, Moe forcefully yanks the plunger off Shemp’s face ]
LARRY: [ points to the wire ] Hey, Moe, there’s the wire.
MOE: Nice work, old man. Trace it!
LARRY: Right!
[ Larry begins yanking the wire, and it rips upwards through the wall. Larry continues doing this until the wire rips through a painting on the wall and knocks it down over Moe’s head, causing his head to bust through it ]
MOE: OHH!
SHEMP: Oh, Moe!
LARRY: Sorry, Moe. You told me to trace the wire!
MOE: That’s alright, son. I’ve been “framedâ€! Get it? Ha, ha, ha!
LARRY: Ha, ha! He’s been “framedâ€!
SHEMP: Ha, ha!
MOE: [ takes the painting off of him ] But you guys are gonna take the “rapâ€! [ bonks Shemp and Larry over the head with a stick ]
SHEMP: OOH! OOH! OH!
MOE: Check those wires for a short! [ walks off-camera ]
LARRY: [ to Shemp ] Check those wires for a short.
[ Shemp bends down to the hole in the wall and begins pulling the wire for a long time ]
SHEMP: There’s nothin’ short about this!
LARRY: Go on!
[ Shemp continues pulling the wire ]
[ cut to Moe entering the kitchen and walking up to the chef ]
MOE: Hiya! I came to fix the doorbell. Where is it, buddy?
CHEF: [ with French accent ] “Monsieur†buddy to you! [ pointing to the wall ] There she is on the wall.
MOE: Oh, “she†is on the wall.
CHEF: Oui.
[ As the chef is about the place a bowl of eggs on the table, Moe moves the table over to the wall, and the bowl misses the table and crashes on the floor ]
CHEF: You IDIOT, you! You...you...
MOE: “Imbecile�
CHEF: [ kindly ] Oui, oui oui... [ yelling again ] You IMBECILE, you! [ takes off his chef hat ] This kitchen is not big enough for us both! Either you stay, or I go!
MOE: That let’s you out! So long! [ turns away ]
CHEF: Oui... [ does a double-take, then grabs Moe back by the shoulder ] We will see about that, buddy!
MOE: RUFF!
CHEF: ROWL!! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: Go on, ya French poodle! Your father’s got fleas! [ climbs up on the table ] Ah! [ looks at the doorbell up on the wall, then takes out a screwdriver and begins taking the doorbell apart with it ] Heh. “She†is on the wall! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! [ pulls the doorbell wire ]
[ Cut to the other side of the wall, where Shemp is holding on to the other end of the doorbell wire and Moe’s tug pulls Shemp into the wall ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?! [ pulls the wire even harder ]
[ Cut back to Moe on the other side of the wall, being pulled into the wall ]
MOE: Oh, opposition, eh? [ tries to pull the wire, but Shemp’s forceful tugging on the other side pulls Moe back into the wall again ] Why, you!
[ Moe tugs on the wire too hard, causing him to knock down and fall off of the table he’s standing on over. He still holds on to the wire even as this happens. A bowl of flour on one end of the table shoots up in the air ]
[ Camera cuts over to the chef looking off-camera at Moe. Suddenly, the bowl of flour crashes on top of the chef’s head ]
CHEF: OOOH! OOH! That settles it! I quit!
[ Cut back to Shemp ]
SHEMP: Mmm! Tough, eh?!
[ Shemp pulls his end of the wire again, causing Moe to get yanked up from the floor and crashing into the wall ]
MOE: OH! [ throws his hat down in anger ] Mutiny, eh?! I’ll show you!
[ Moe wraps the wire around his arm, then gives it a really good yank, pulling Shemp into the wall ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! LARRY!
[ Larry enters ]
SHEMP: Gimme a hand, will ya?!
LARRY: Alright!
SHEMP: Gimme a hand!
LARRY: C’mon.
SHEMP: Get around me!
[ Larry wraps his arms around Shemp’s waist ]
LARRY: Let’s go!
SHEMP AND LARRY: [ pulling the wire ] One...two...and a- THREE!! [ forcefully yank the wire ]
[ Cut to Moe, who’s legs are sticking out of a big hole on his side of the wall he just crashed through ]
MOE: I’ll moider somebody!
SHEMP AND LARRY: One...two...THREE!
[ Shemp and Larry forcefully yank the wire again, this time pulling Moe all the way to their side of the wall. As he lifts his head from the pile of broken plaster on the floor from the wall, he reveals two pieces of wood stuck in his mouth, which look like buck teeth. ]
MOE: Ohhhh...
[ Shemp and Larry run up to him ]
LARRY: Look what came through the wall!
SHEMP: A gopher!
[ Shemp and Larry begin hitting Moe on the head with the back of an axe and a hat ]
MOE: OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!
LARRY: Hey, that gopher sounds like Moe!
SHEMP: [ examining the “gopherâ€â€™s face ] It is Moe!
MOE: Get me outta here!
LARRY: Alright, Moe.
[ Shemp and Larry help Moe up from the floor ]
SHEMP: What happened? Where were ya?
MOE: I’ll “gopher†both of ya!!!
[ Shemp and Larry try running away, but Moe grabs them back ]
MOE: Wait’ll I moider ya! Hear me?!
[ Shemp tries climbing into the hole in the wall ]
MOE: Come back outta hea!
[ Moe and Larry pull Shemp back out of the hole ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Shemp!
MOE: [ to Larry ] C’mere, you! [ pulls Larry by the hair, then drags Shemp and Larry away ]
LARRY: OWW! Wait a minute! I’m a victim of circumstance!
[ Dissolve to Shemp sweeping the broken plaster under the carpet while Moe and Larry behind him drag a shelf over to the hole in the wall ]
MOE: [ whispering ] Quiet!
[ Moe and Larry place the shelf over the hole in the wall ]
LARRY: There ya are! Just like an “inferior†decorator!
MOE: Right!
[ The Stooges stop and listen closely as they hear footsteps in the background ]
[ Briefly cut over to Mrs. Henderon dialing a phone ]
SHEMP: [ whispering ] She’s callin’ the cops!
LARRY: [ whispering ] Let’s get outta here!
[ The Stooges begin sneaking away ]
MRS. HENDERSON: [ off-camera ] Hello? “Superior Employment Agency�
[ The Stooges stop ]
MRS. HENDERSON: This is Mrs. Henderson on Emerald Drive. My chef quit quite unexpectedly.
[ Moe points to his head as if he has an idea, then the Stooges walk over to Mrs. Henderson ]
MRS. HENDERSON: I’m planning a big dinner party tonight and I’ll need help at once. [ pause ] What?! You’ve no one?! Oh, but you must have! [ pause, then hangs up ] Oh, dear! My last hope!
MOE: Oh, it can’t be that bad, lady. You can always open a can of beans!
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh, not for this dinner! I’ve been planning it for weeks! I’ll need a butler, a cook, and a waiter! Oh, I’ll pay anything! Anything at all!
[ The Stooges all look at each other and whisper to each other briefly as if they have a plan ]
MOE: [ to Mrs. Henderson ] We’ll do it as a special accommodation!
MRS. HENDERSON: You mean you three...
MOE: Sure! You know our motto -- "We fix anythingâ€!
SHEMP: It also means we fix dinners!
LARRY: Yeah, just like we fixed the doorbell!
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh! And did you fix it?
MOE: Did we fix it!
LARRY: Did we fix it!
[ Shemp opens his mouth, but Moe and Larry quickly cover it before he can say anything ]
LARRY: Yes!
MOE: Show the lady, Shemp!
SHEMP: Okay, just tell me when! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Mrs. Henderson ] You know, he’s known as “Lightningâ€!
[ Cut to Shemp walking outside of the house and standing next to the doorbell ]
SHEMP: [ yelling in the house ] Ready for testing!
MOE: Ready for testing!
SHEMP: Here she blow!
[ Shemp presses the doorbell. Suddenly, sparks fly out of the doorbell and Shemp gets electrocuted ]
SHEMP: OHH!! OH-OH-OH!!! OH-OH-OH!! OHH!!
[ Back inside the house, Moe and Larry nervously tip their hats to Mrs. Henderson, then run outside the door ]
MOE: Just a minute!
[ Moe and Larry run up to the electrocuting Shemp. Larry touches Shemp’s jacket and receives a shock ]
SHEMP: I’m full of high voltage! Get me loose!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Wait a minute! We’ll rent him out to a light copy! [ takes out a lightbulb ] Testing!
LARRY: Contact!
[ Moe sticks the lightbulb in Shemp’s right ear. The light flickers on each time Shemp yells ]
SHEMP: YEOWWWW! OHHHH!! WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA! EEB- EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!
LARRY: We better short ‘im! [ takes out a screwdriver ]
MOE: Right!
[ Larry sticks the screwdriver in Shemp’s left ear and twists it inside slowly for a few seconds as the lightbulb in Shemp’s other ear quickly flickers on and off over and over. Larry then shoves the screwdriver all the way in Shemp’s ear, causing the lightbulb in the other ear to shatter ]
SHEMP: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
[ Moe takes the shattered bulb out of Shemp’s right ear and Larry takes the screwdriver out of Shemp’s left ear, with the metal piece of the screwdriver missing. Larry blows through Shemp’s left ear and into Moe’s eye through Shemp’s right ear. ]
MOE: OOH! [ rubs his eye ]
SHEMP: Ready for testing!
[ Dissolve to the outside of the house; It is now night outside and there is a sign over the doorbell that reads “PLEASE NOCKâ€. ]
[ Dissolve to Moe in the kitchen putting a cherry on top of a muffin ]
MOE: Ha!
[ Cut to Shemp, who’s reading instructions on how to make a turkey ]
SHEMP: “Separate two eggs.†[ sets the two eggs apart on opposite sides of the turkey ] I guess that’s far enough. [ reads the instructions ] “Put ‘em in the turkey.†Any dumbbell would know that! Certainly, “put ‘em in the turkeyâ€! [ puts the two eggs inside the turkey ] Let’s see what’s next. [ reading ] “Half a dozen oysters.†[ puts in five oysters -- including the shells -- inside the turkey ] One... [ looks at the last oyster ] Ohh. Here’s one we didn’t clean! [ takes a pitchfork ] Well, we’ll fix that up! [ takes the oyster out of the shell ] Get out! Look at that stuff! [ puts the oyster shell in the turkey ] Wouldn’t clean ‘em, eh?! [ reading ] “Pinch of salt.†[ pours some salt in his hand, then literally “pinches†it ] Mmm! [ pouring the salt in the turkey ] How do ya like that? [ claps his hands together and accidentally gets some salt in his face ] Pbbtt! Almost got it myself, in fact! Oop -- wait! [ reading ] “Tomatoes.†Certainly. [ grabs a can of tomatoes ] “Red, ripe, puréed tomato.†[ puts the whole can of tomatoes inside the turkey ] Right inside there...
[ Moe walks up to Shemp ]
MOE: You idiot! You imbecile! What’d you put in that turkey?!
SHEMP: Like the book says -- [ takes the can of tomatoes out of the turkey ] This can of tomatoes!
[ Moe grabs the can, rips the paper label off, then stuffs it back inside the turkey ]
MOE: Paper in stuffing... AAAAHH! [ leaves ]
[ Shemp shrugs his shoulders and continues reading instructions ]
SHEMP: “A loaf of break well soaked.†[ grabs a loaf of bread ] Sorry, I have to do it! [ punches the bread repeatedly ] How do ya like that? An upper shoot! A down shoot! [ stops punching ] You got enough? Ya throw in the towel? Well, okay! [ stuffs in it the turkey ] Get in there! That’s it! The next thing! [ picks up a few grapes and stuff them in the turkey ] Yes, a few of these grapes will go in there. That’s right! Yes, sir, one of these. [ throws in some more salt ] A little of this! Yes, sir! [ picks up a bowl of flour ] Gotta take this, [ picks up a sifter ] and this. [ pours flour on the turkey through the sifter ] Gotta sift that out a little bit. [ crunches two eggs on top of the turkey ] Yep, right on top there! Baste it a little bit. And... This one has got pits! How do ya like that? [ crunches the eggs again ] That’s it! Much...
[ Cut to Larry reading instructions ]
LARRY: “Two cups of flour.†[ takes a bowl of flour and pours about half of it into a bigger, empty bowl ] “1/4 pound of butter.†[ takes a plate with 4 sticks of butter on it and dumps all the sticks of butter in the bowl ] “Two cups of milk.†[ takes a milk bottle, and pours in the bowl ] One... [ pours again ] two. [ reads instructions ] Oh, baking powder! Almost forgot! That’s important. [ pours a can of baking powder in the bowl while reading more instructions ]
[ Cut over to Shemp still pouring flour on the turkey ]
SHEMP: Here it is! Fine and dandy! [ puts the sifter down ] Okay, Moe, toikey ready for woiky!
[ Cut to a close-up of the turkey as Shemp zips up its hole. ]
[ Dissolve to a close-up of the turkey burning on fire ]
[ Camera pans back and shows Moe extinguishing the fire, and Shemp watching in disappointment ]
SHEMP: I can’t understand! I can’t understand what happened to that turkey. I only had the dial set at 650 degrees!
MOE: Six hundred an... [ does a double-take ] Listen -- if the cake in that oven turns out like this [ pointing to the turkey ]...you’re gonna be the next one to broil in it! [ turns away from Shemp, then quickly turns back ] And I’m gonna bake ya with nitric acid! Go on, fix that punch and make it snappy!
[ Shemp begins to walk over to the punch, but then he turns back to Moe ]
SHEMP: But the lady said she wanted it weak!
MOE: [ spraying the extinguisher in Shemp’s face ] Go on! Go on!
SHEMP: I’m goin’! Look out! [ walks over to the punch bowl ]
[ Cut to Larry entering the party taking place in the living room, with a platter of onions-on-a-stick in his hand. He walks over to 2 guests ]
LARRY: Here ya are!
[ The two guests look at the onions-on-a-stick in confusion ]
LARRY: I just got a flash from the kitchen! You’d better fill up on these.
[ Cut over to Mrs. Henderson and her husband -- who happens to be the same judge from earlier in the film -- walking over to 2 guests, the Morton’s ]
MRS. HENDERSON: [ to the judge ] Herbert, dear, these are my good friends, George and Lydia Morton. [ to the Morton’s ] My husband, Judge Henderson.
[ The judge and Mr. Morton shake hands ]
MR. MORTON: I’m honored, judge.
JUDGE: Glad to know the president of the Voter’s League.
[ Larry barges in between the Henderson’s and the Morton’s ]
LARRY: Pardon me! [ holds up an onion-on-a-stick to the Morton’s ] May I serve you? [ looks over at the Henderson’s and instantly recognizes the judge ] Help yourself, I’m busy! [ gives Mrs. Morton the platter, then runs back towards the kitchen ]
MRS. HENDERSON: I’m so sorry!
MRS. MORTON: Really!
MRS. HENDERSON: They’re new here.
JUDGE: Odd -- I think I’ve met him before, but I just can’t place him.
[ Cut back to Shemp and Moe in the kitchen; Shemp is pouring punch in the punch bowl, and Moe is carrying a platter with cups and dishes and a kettle of coffee ]
MOE: Well, so the evening shouldn’t be a total loss, we’ll serve ‘em punch, cake and coffee.
SHEMP: Alright, but don’t mix me up!
[ Moe begins to walk towards the kitchen door ]
[ Cut to Larry running up to outside the kitchen door and pushing it open. Loud crashing noises in the kitchen are heard as Larry twitches in shock. ]
[ Cut back to inside the kitchen; Moe is laying on the floor right next to the door, with an empty platter on his stomach and all the cups and dishes shattered on the floor ]
[ Cut to outside the kitchen door; Larry slowly and fearfully walks up to the door and pushes it open ]
[ Cut back inside the kitchen with a close-up of Larry peeking inside the door. He quickly looks around the place, then smiles at the camera in relief. Suddenly, we hear sizzling noises ]
LARRY: OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
[ Camera pans down and shows Moe on the floor pouring hot coffee on Larry’s feet ]
LARRY: OW, MOE! OOH! OOOOOH!
[ Moe gets up from the floor and grabs Larry ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Moe! We’re in trouble!
MOE: I’ll say you’re in trouble! [ reaches the coffee kettle back and is about to swing it at Larry ]
LARRY: No, no! The judge is out there!
MOE: What judge?!
LARRY: The judge that wants to send us up for life!
SHEMP: Don’t worry. Where there’s life, there’s hope!
MOE: [ bopping Shemp ] Quiet!
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: He’ll never recognize us in these outfits! [ to Larry ] Now, go on. You take care of the cake.
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You, possum-puss -- get that punch out there or you’ll get one from me! [ pushing Shemp away ] Go on!
[ Shemp picks up the bowl of punch ]
MOE: Shake a leg!
[ Literally following Moe’s orders, Shemp shakes his left leg as he walks towards the door ]
[ Dissolve to Shemp in the party room, sucking punch in a baster, then squirting it back out in several glasses. The guests are standing behind him, watching in curiosity. Shemp looks behind him and sees all them staring ]
SHEMP: Don’t stand around like a bunch of buzzards! There’s enough here for everybody!
[ The guests reluctantly go back to conversation with each other ]
SHEMP: [ looking in the punch bowl ] Oh, a “Mazarino†cherry!
[ Shemp rolls his right sleeve up, then dips his right hand in the punch bowl and pulls out the cherry, then eats it. He begins choking for a few seconds, and slaps the back and front of his throat. He picks a glass of punch and drinks from it. Moe walks up behind him. ]
SHEMP: Not bad! [ begins squirting some more punch in the glass with the baster ]
[ Moe grabs the baster away and squirts the punch in Shemp’s face ]
MOE: Now get back in the kitchen and help Larry with that cake! [ pushing Shemp off-camera ] Go on!
[ Moe takes all the empty glasses and dips them in the punch bowl, filling them with punch. He takes the platter and walks off-camera ]
[ Cut over to the Henderson’s and the Morton’s ]
MR. MORTON: Judge, what do you think of your chances for re-election?
JUDGE: Mr. Morton, I’d say it all depends on what you recommend for the voters.
MR. MORTON: Ha, ha! Well, you’ve made a splendid record, judge, and I think you can safely count on another term.
JUDGE: Thank you.
[ Moe walks into the scene, extending his left hand with the platter of drinks and trying to hide his face from the judge ]
MOE: Have a slug?
JUDGE: Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
MOE: Oh, no, your honor!
JUDGE: You sure I never sent you up?
MOE: No, I’ve never been up...except in an elevator! [ clears his throat nervously ] Pardon me!
[ Moe leaves as Mrs. Henderson tries to take a glass of punch from the platter ]
JUDGE: There’s something strange going on around here!
[ Cut to Shemp and Larry in the kitchen; Larry is taking a cake out of the oven ]
LARRY: A masterpiece! [ places the cake on a table ] How does it look?
SHEMP: It looks good -- but let’s see if it’s done.
[ Shemp takes a fork and sticks it into the cake. All the air quickly gushes out of the cake and it deflates and flattens like a balloon. Shemp and Larry jump in shock ]
LARRY: Moe will kill us! What’ll we do now?!
SHEMP: What can we do? We’ll fill ‘er up -- [ look behind him and notices a gas pipe ] with gas!
LARRY: Now you’re cookin’!
[ Larry runs over and grabs the gas pipe, then brings it over to the cake. He places it right over the hole in the cake, and the cake inflates back up about half-way through ]
LARRY: High enough?
SHEMP: I’ll check. [ takes out a [ ? ] and gushes air from the cake inside of it ] 38 pounds. How many people out there?
LARRY: Oh...about 20.
SHEMP: Oh, we’d better pump it a couple of more slices. Go ahead.
[ Larry adds more air in the cake from the pipe, causing it to fully inflate ]
LARRY: Ready!
[ Larry takes the gas pipe away as Shemp ties up the hole in the cake. ]
SHEMP: Now, you see, if you’ll...
[ The cake suddenly begins floating in the air and Shemp catches it and pulls it back down to the table. Larry runs over to him ]
SHEMP: [ letting go of the cake ] Why don’t you stand over there...
[ The cake floats in the air again ]
LARRY: Look ou...!
[ Shemp and Larry catch the cake and pull it back down to the table and hold it down ]
LARRY: Well, Moe said to make it light...
SHEMP: [ slapping Larry ] I don’t care what he said! What are you, standing up there, letting go of it...
LARRY: Okay!
SHEMP: Alright! Go ahead, I’ll hold it. Go ahead, you make with the white stuff there [ pointing to the icing bag ]. Go ahead there.
[ Larry picks up the icing bag and tries to squeeze it over the cake, but nothing comes out ]
SHEMP: [ grabbing the icing bag ] Here, let me!
[ Shemp and Larry let go of the cake and it floats in the air again. ]
LARRY: Will ya...
[ Shemp and Larry grab the cake back down. Larry holds it down as Shemp tries to squeeze out the icing, but he also has difficulties. ]
SHEMP: MMM! [ holds the bag in front of Larry’s face as he tries to squeeze it out ]
LARRY: [ pushing the bag away ] Hey, hey!
[ Shemp holds the bag towards his face as he continues having difficulty getting the icing out ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?! [ squeezes it again ] Oh, it’s kinda stuffed up.
[ Shemp lays the bag down on the table and then hits the middle of it with a hammer. Icing finally comes out of it and it squirts high in the air and off-camera. Shemp and Larry look off-camera and jump in shock ]
[ Cut over to an angry Moe, who has just entered the kitchen, with an icing “question mark†on his face. He walks over to a fearful Shemp and Larry and slaps both of them. ]
LARRY: OW!
MOE: I’m gonna put off murderin’ ya till ya collect yer paycheck! How’s the cake?
SHEMP: Wonderful. If we didn’t hold it down, it’d float away!
MOE: If I want a smart crack, I’ll make one myself! Put the candles in and get it out there! [ picks up several candles ] C’mon, get busy!
SHEMP: Alright! Alright!
MOE: [ handing Shemp the icing bag ] Here!
[ Shemp begins squirting icing on the cake as Moe begins sticking candles in the cake ]
[ Dissolve to the party room. Moe enters ]
MOE: [ imitating a trumpet ] Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah- dah-dah-dah-dah! The Piece de Resistance!
[ Shemp and Larry enter, pushing a cart with the birthday cake on it ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Listen, everybody -- it''s George Morton’s birthday! Surprise! Surprise!
[ Mr. Morton shakes hands with the judge and Mrs. Henderson as more guests gather around ]
EVERYONE: [ singing ] For he’s a jolly, good fellow
For he’s a jolly, good fellow
For he’s a jolly, good fellow
That nobody can deny
[ Everybody claps ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Happy birthday!
JUDGE: Mr. Morton, it’s all yours! Make a wish and blow out the candles.
MR. MORTON: Well, my fondest wish is that my friend, Judge Henderson, will blow this campaign sky-high!
[ Everyone claps ]
SHEMP: Hooray! Hooray!
[ Judge Henderson blows the candles on the cake. The cake explodes and results in all the guests covered in cake. An angry Mr. Morton turns over to Judge Henderson ]
MR. MORTON: If this is supposed to be a practical joke, I’ve got one for you!
JUDGE: Yeh -- but Mr...
MR. MORTON: I was only joking when I spoke of supporting you! [ looking around the place ] Lydia?! Lydia, where are you?!
[ Cut over to Mrs. Morton coming out from behind the drapes, with her face covered in cake and her hiding in between the Stooges’ “JIFFY FIXERS†board sign ]
MR. MORTON: We’re gettin’ out of here!!
MRS. HENDERSON: Ohh!
[ Mr. Morton and the Henderson’s walk over to Mrs. Morton and help her up ]
MR. MORTON: Lydia, are you alright?!
MRS. MORTON: Ohh! Is the shooting over?
[ The judge examines the “JIFFY FIXERS†sign on Mrs. Morton ]
JUDGE: [ to the Stooges ] Now I know who you are! [ runs over and takes out a rifle that’s hung up on the wall ]
[ Cut to the Stooges bumping into the each other as we hear the rifle firing off-camera, then they each dive out the window ]
STOOGES: OHH! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH! WHOA!!!
[ THE END ]
[ The short opens with an outside shot of a courthouse ]
[ Camera dissolves inside the courthouse, where a trial is taking place; Moe, Larry, and Shemp are standing in front of the judge’s stand, with two cops standing on opposite sides of the judge’s stand. Moe is wearing a large board sign that says “JIFFY FIXERS - WE REPAIR ENYTHING – IT’S DONE IN A FLASH FOR VERY SMALL CASH†]
JUDGE: [ to one of the cops ] Officer Ryan, you deserve a sharp reprimand for taking up the valuable time of this court with these flimsy cases! [ to the other cop ] And so does Officer Casey! [ pointing at the Stooges ] These men cannot be held for vagrancy! They have visible means of support!
[ Larry opens his suit coat and grabs one of his suspenders ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Does he mean our suspenders?
MOE: [ pulling the suspender ] Ohhh... [ lets go of the suspender, causing it to snap against Larry’s chest ]
LARRY: OW!
JUDGE: QUIET! [ tries to bang his gavel on the stand while looking down at a paper, but accidentally hits Officer Ryan’s hand ]
OFFICER RYAN: OWW!
JUDGE: I’m sorry, officer! [ looks at a paper ] This other charge -- chicken stealing. [ to the cops ] I’m not gonna make these poor unfortunates the victims of your prejudice and guesswork. Case dismissed for lack of evidence! [ to the Stooges ] You’re free, boys!
ALL STOOGES: Oh, thank you, your honor.
[ Suddenly, a chicken pokes his head out of Shemp’s suit coat and begins clucking. Shemp and Larry quickly stuff the chicken back in his suit coat ]
[ The judge looks up at the Stooges in confusion ]
SHEMP: [ clucking ]
JUDGE: What’s the matter with him?!
MOE: Oh, he thinks he’s a chicken.
JUDGE: Why don’t you put him in an institution?
LARRY: We can’t -- we need the eggs!
MOE: [ bonking Larry on the head ] Quiet!
[ The chicken flies out of Shemp’s suit coat and flies right into the judge''s face ]
MOE: Every man for himself!
[ The Stooges run towards the door ]
SHEMP: WHOA-OH-OH!
[ The Stooges run through the two doors and the two cops follow them. The Stooges push the doors towards the cops, knocking them down ]
[ Scene dissolves to the Stooges standing outside of the door to someone’s house. Shemp is now wearing the large "JIFFY FIXERS" board sign. He pulls a card off of the door. ]
SHEMP: Moe, you’re wastin’ your time! [ shows Moe the card ]
MOE: [ reading the card ] “Doorbell out of order.â€
SHEMP: If the doorbell is out of order, how are they gonna know we’re out here?!
MOE: Why don’t you use your head?!
SHEMP: Yeah! [ begins banging his head on the door repeatedly ]
MOE: [ looking off-camera ] Come in! [ turns over to Shemp and notices him banging his head on the door ]
SHEMP: [ stops banging his head ] Ain’t no answer!
MOE: There ain’t, eh? Well, get one! [ shoves Shemp into the door ]
SHEMP: OH!
[ The door opens and a woman named Mrs. Henderson appears ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Stop it! Stop it, before you knock the door down!
MOE: Well, that’s what your company will do if you don’t have the doorbell fixed.
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh! Can you fix it?
MOE: Can we fix it!
LARRY: Can we fix it!
SHEMP: Can we???
[ Larry and Mrs. Henderson walk inside of the house; Moe walks over to Shemp ]
MOE: Why, you... [ aims a punch at Shemp ]
[ Shemp quickly lifts up his board sign and causes Moe to smash his fist into it ]
MOE: OH! OOH! OOH! [ sneaks behind Shemp ]
[ Shemp peeks over his board sign and sees that Moe isn’t there, so he happily lowers his board sign. Moe taps Shemp on back of the head. Shemp looks back and Moe greets him by crunching his nose with pliers and pushing him in the house ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! OH, MOE!
MRS. HENDERSON: What is the meaning of this?!
LARRY: Well, lady...
[ Shemp accidentally bumps into Larry, causing Larry to bump into a shelf. A vase on top of the shelf falls over. ]
MRS. HENDERSON: AAAAHHHH!!! [ catches the vase ] Oh! Dear me! This vase is worth $3000!
ALL STOOGES: [ in elegant voices ] Vase!
MOE: [ in elegant voice ] Eh what, Harry, old boy?
SHEMP: [ to Larry, in elegant voice ] Do you have a bloater?
LARRY: [ in elegant voice ] No, but I have a sardine!
MOE: [ normal voice ] You’ll have to beat it, lady. We got a lot of work to do! [ pushes Mrs. Henderson away ]
MRS. HENDERSON: OH!
MOE: Thank you. [ looks around the place ] Now, you know, this looks like a simple job for simple people.
LARRY: Right!
[ Moe and Larry lift Shemp’s board sign off, then turn it to the other side and stand it up on the ground. The sign now says “MEN AT WORKâ€. ]
MOE: Chisel!
LARRY: Chisel! [ spins Shemp to the other side and takes a chisel from his toolbelt ]
MOE: Screwdriver!
LARRY: Screwdriver! [ spins Shemp to the other side and takes a screwdriver from his belt ]
MOE: Pliers!
LARRY: Pliers! [ spins Shemp around again and takes pliers from his belt ]
MOE: Brace & Bit!
LARRY: Brace & Bit! [ spins Shemp around and takes a bit from his belt ] Hold still! [ walks off-camera ]
SHEMP: Cut it out, fellas! I’m gettin’ dizzy!
MOE: Ah, you were born dizzy! Gimme that hammer! [ tries to pull a hammer from Shemp’s toolbelt but has trouble getting it out ]
SHEMP: Here, let me! [ pulls the hammer out and accidentally hits Moe on the face with it ]
MOE: OOH! [ hits Shemp on the head with the hammer ]
SHEMP: OH! OH!!
MOE: Shut up, now! There’s something wrong with the wiring!
[ Camera cuts over to Larry chopping a hole in the wall with an axe ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] We gotta find the wire!
[ Larry digs in the hole in the wall and pulls out a wire ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas, I found a wire!
MOE: Good work, Larry! You keep it up and I’m gonna give you some C-A-N-D-Y! [ holds up a lollipop ]
LARRY: Eh, I don’t smoke!
[ Shemp begins licking the lollipop that Moe’s holding up ]
MOE: [ slapping the lollipop against Shemp’s face ] Get away!
[ The lollipop sticks to the side of Shemp’s face, but he continues licking it anyway ]
MOE: Oh, no you don’t! [ takes out a plunger, yanks the lollipop off Shemp’s face, and sticks the plunger on Shemp’s face ] C’mon. [ walks over towards Larry and pulls Shemp by the plunger ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! OH!
[ When they get over to Larry, Moe forcefully yanks the plunger off Shemp’s face ]
LARRY: [ points to the wire ] Hey, Moe, there’s the wire.
MOE: Nice work, old man. Trace it!
LARRY: Right!
[ Larry begins yanking the wire, and it rips upwards through the wall. Larry continues doing this until the wire rips through a painting on the wall and knocks it down over Moe’s head, causing his head to bust through it ]
MOE: OHH!
SHEMP: Oh, Moe!
LARRY: Sorry, Moe. You told me to trace the wire!
MOE: That’s alright, son. I’ve been “framedâ€! Get it? Ha, ha, ha!
LARRY: Ha, ha! He’s been “framedâ€!
SHEMP: Ha, ha!
MOE: [ takes the painting off of him ] But you guys are gonna take the “rapâ€! [ bonks Shemp and Larry over the head with a stick ]
SHEMP: OOH! OOH! OH!
MOE: Check those wires for a short! [ walks off-camera ]
LARRY: [ to Shemp ] Check those wires for a short.
[ Shemp bends down to the hole in the wall and begins pulling the wire for a long time ]
SHEMP: There’s nothin’ short about this!
LARRY: Go on!
[ Shemp continues pulling the wire ]
[ cut to Moe entering the kitchen and walking up to the chef ]
MOE: Hiya! I came to fix the doorbell. Where is it, buddy?
CHEF: [ with French accent ] “Monsieur†buddy to you! [ pointing to the wall ] There she is on the wall.
MOE: Oh, “she†is on the wall.
CHEF: Oui.
[ As the chef is about the place a bowl of eggs on the table, Moe moves the table over to the wall, and the bowl misses the table and crashes on the floor ]
CHEF: You IDIOT, you! You...you...
MOE: “Imbecile�
CHEF: [ kindly ] Oui, oui oui... [ yelling again ] You IMBECILE, you! [ takes off his chef hat ] This kitchen is not big enough for us both! Either you stay, or I go!
MOE: That let’s you out! So long! [ turns away ]
CHEF: Oui... [ does a double-take, then grabs Moe back by the shoulder ] We will see about that, buddy!
MOE: RUFF!
CHEF: ROWL!! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: Go on, ya French poodle! Your father’s got fleas! [ climbs up on the table ] Ah! [ looks at the doorbell up on the wall, then takes out a screwdriver and begins taking the doorbell apart with it ] Heh. “She†is on the wall! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! [ pulls the doorbell wire ]
[ Cut to the other side of the wall, where Shemp is holding on to the other end of the doorbell wire and Moe’s tug pulls Shemp into the wall ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?! [ pulls the wire even harder ]
[ Cut back to Moe on the other side of the wall, being pulled into the wall ]
MOE: Oh, opposition, eh? [ tries to pull the wire, but Shemp’s forceful tugging on the other side pulls Moe back into the wall again ] Why, you!
[ Moe tugs on the wire too hard, causing him to knock down and fall off of the table he’s standing on over. He still holds on to the wire even as this happens. A bowl of flour on one end of the table shoots up in the air ]
[ Camera cuts over to the chef looking off-camera at Moe. Suddenly, the bowl of flour crashes on top of the chef’s head ]
CHEF: OOOH! OOH! That settles it! I quit!
[ Cut back to Shemp ]
SHEMP: Mmm! Tough, eh?!
[ Shemp pulls his end of the wire again, causing Moe to get yanked up from the floor and crashing into the wall ]
MOE: OH! [ throws his hat down in anger ] Mutiny, eh?! I’ll show you!
[ Moe wraps the wire around his arm, then gives it a really good yank, pulling Shemp into the wall ]
SHEMP: OH! OH! LARRY!
[ Larry enters ]
SHEMP: Gimme a hand, will ya?!
LARRY: Alright!
SHEMP: Gimme a hand!
LARRY: C’mon.
SHEMP: Get around me!
[ Larry wraps his arms around Shemp’s waist ]
LARRY: Let’s go!
SHEMP AND LARRY: [ pulling the wire ] One...two...and a- THREE!! [ forcefully yank the wire ]
[ Cut to Moe, who’s legs are sticking out of a big hole on his side of the wall he just crashed through ]
MOE: I’ll moider somebody!
SHEMP AND LARRY: One...two...THREE!
[ Shemp and Larry forcefully yank the wire again, this time pulling Moe all the way to their side of the wall. As he lifts his head from the pile of broken plaster on the floor from the wall, he reveals two pieces of wood stuck in his mouth, which look like buck teeth. ]
MOE: Ohhhh...
[ Shemp and Larry run up to him ]
LARRY: Look what came through the wall!
SHEMP: A gopher!
[ Shemp and Larry begin hitting Moe on the head with the back of an axe and a hat ]
MOE: OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH! OOH!
LARRY: Hey, that gopher sounds like Moe!
SHEMP: [ examining the “gopherâ€â€™s face ] It is Moe!
MOE: Get me outta here!
LARRY: Alright, Moe.
[ Shemp and Larry help Moe up from the floor ]
SHEMP: What happened? Where were ya?
MOE: I’ll “gopher†both of ya!!!
[ Shemp and Larry try running away, but Moe grabs them back ]
MOE: Wait’ll I moider ya! Hear me?!
[ Shemp tries climbing into the hole in the wall ]
MOE: Come back outta hea!
[ Moe and Larry pull Shemp back out of the hole ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Shemp!
MOE: [ to Larry ] C’mere, you! [ pulls Larry by the hair, then drags Shemp and Larry away ]
LARRY: OWW! Wait a minute! I’m a victim of circumstance!
[ Dissolve to Shemp sweeping the broken plaster under the carpet while Moe and Larry behind him drag a shelf over to the hole in the wall ]
MOE: [ whispering ] Quiet!
[ Moe and Larry place the shelf over the hole in the wall ]
LARRY: There ya are! Just like an “inferior†decorator!
MOE: Right!
[ The Stooges stop and listen closely as they hear footsteps in the background ]
[ Briefly cut over to Mrs. Henderon dialing a phone ]
SHEMP: [ whispering ] She’s callin’ the cops!
LARRY: [ whispering ] Let’s get outta here!
[ The Stooges begin sneaking away ]
MRS. HENDERSON: [ off-camera ] Hello? “Superior Employment Agency�
[ The Stooges stop ]
MRS. HENDERSON: This is Mrs. Henderson on Emerald Drive. My chef quit quite unexpectedly.
[ Moe points to his head as if he has an idea, then the Stooges walk over to Mrs. Henderson ]
MRS. HENDERSON: I’m planning a big dinner party tonight and I’ll need help at once. [ pause ] What?! You’ve no one?! Oh, but you must have! [ pause, then hangs up ] Oh, dear! My last hope!
MOE: Oh, it can’t be that bad, lady. You can always open a can of beans!
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh, not for this dinner! I’ve been planning it for weeks! I’ll need a butler, a cook, and a waiter! Oh, I’ll pay anything! Anything at all!
[ The Stooges all look at each other and whisper to each other briefly as if they have a plan ]
MOE: [ to Mrs. Henderson ] We’ll do it as a special accommodation!
MRS. HENDERSON: You mean you three...
MOE: Sure! You know our motto -- "We fix anythingâ€!
SHEMP: It also means we fix dinners!
LARRY: Yeah, just like we fixed the doorbell!
MRS. HENDERSON: Oh! And did you fix it?
MOE: Did we fix it!
LARRY: Did we fix it!
[ Shemp opens his mouth, but Moe and Larry quickly cover it before he can say anything ]
LARRY: Yes!
MOE: Show the lady, Shemp!
SHEMP: Okay, just tell me when! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Mrs. Henderson ] You know, he’s known as “Lightningâ€!
[ Cut to Shemp walking outside of the house and standing next to the doorbell ]
SHEMP: [ yelling in the house ] Ready for testing!
MOE: Ready for testing!
SHEMP: Here she blow!
[ Shemp presses the doorbell. Suddenly, sparks fly out of the doorbell and Shemp gets electrocuted ]
SHEMP: OHH!! OH-OH-OH!!! OH-OH-OH!! OHH!!
[ Back inside the house, Moe and Larry nervously tip their hats to Mrs. Henderson, then run outside the door ]
MOE: Just a minute!
[ Moe and Larry run up to the electrocuting Shemp. Larry touches Shemp’s jacket and receives a shock ]
SHEMP: I’m full of high voltage! Get me loose!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Wait a minute! We’ll rent him out to a light copy! [ takes out a lightbulb ] Testing!
LARRY: Contact!
[ Moe sticks the lightbulb in Shemp’s right ear. The light flickers on each time Shemp yells ]
SHEMP: YEOWWWW! OHHHH!! WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA! EEB- EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!
LARRY: We better short ‘im! [ takes out a screwdriver ]
MOE: Right!
[ Larry sticks the screwdriver in Shemp’s left ear and twists it inside slowly for a few seconds as the lightbulb in Shemp’s other ear quickly flickers on and off over and over. Larry then shoves the screwdriver all the way in Shemp’s ear, causing the lightbulb in the other ear to shatter ]
SHEMP: OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
[ Moe takes the shattered bulb out of Shemp’s right ear and Larry takes the screwdriver out of Shemp’s left ear, with the metal piece of the screwdriver missing. Larry blows through Shemp’s left ear and into Moe’s eye through Shemp’s right ear. ]
MOE: OOH! [ rubs his eye ]
SHEMP: Ready for testing!
[ Dissolve to the outside of the house; It is now night outside and there is a sign over the doorbell that reads “PLEASE NOCKâ€. ]
[ Dissolve to Moe in the kitchen putting a cherry on top of a muffin ]
MOE: Ha!
[ Cut to Shemp, who’s reading instructions on how to make a turkey ]
SHEMP: “Separate two eggs.†[ sets the two eggs apart on opposite sides of the turkey ] I guess that’s far enough. [ reads the instructions ] “Put ‘em in the turkey.†Any dumbbell would know that! Certainly, “put ‘em in the turkeyâ€! [ puts the two eggs inside the turkey ] Let’s see what’s next. [ reading ] “Half a dozen oysters.†[ puts in five oysters -- including the shells -- inside the turkey ] One... [ looks at the last oyster ] Ohh. Here’s one we didn’t clean! [ takes a pitchfork ] Well, we’ll fix that up! [ takes the oyster out of the shell ] Get out! Look at that stuff! [ puts the oyster shell in the turkey ] Wouldn’t clean ‘em, eh?! [ reading ] “Pinch of salt.†[ pours some salt in his hand, then literally “pinches†it ] Mmm! [ pouring the salt in the turkey ] How do ya like that? [ claps his hands together and accidentally gets some salt in his face ] Pbbtt! Almost got it myself, in fact! Oop -- wait! [ reading ] “Tomatoes.†Certainly. [ grabs a can of tomatoes ] “Red, ripe, puréed tomato.†[ puts the whole can of tomatoes inside the turkey ] Right inside there...
[ Moe walks up to Shemp ]
MOE: You idiot! You imbecile! What’d you put in that turkey?!
SHEMP: Like the book says -- [ takes the can of tomatoes out of the turkey ] This can of tomatoes!
[ Moe grabs the can, rips the paper label off, then stuffs it back inside the turkey ]
MOE: Paper in stuffing... AAAAHH! [ leaves ]
[ Shemp shrugs his shoulders and continues reading instructions ]
SHEMP: “A loaf of break well soaked.†[ grabs a loaf of bread ] Sorry, I have to do it! [ punches the bread repeatedly ] How do ya like that? An upper shoot! A down shoot! [ stops punching ] You got enough? Ya throw in the towel? Well, okay! [ stuffs in it the turkey ] Get in there! That’s it! The next thing! [ picks up a few grapes and stuff them in the turkey ] Yes, a few of these grapes will go in there. That’s right! Yes, sir, one of these. [ throws in some more salt ] A little of this! Yes, sir! [ picks up a bowl of flour ] Gotta take this, [ picks up a sifter ] and this. [ pours flour on the turkey through the sifter ] Gotta sift that out a little bit. [ crunches two eggs on top of the turkey ] Yep, right on top there! Baste it a little bit. And... This one has got pits! How do ya like that? [ crunches the eggs again ] That’s it! Much...
[ Cut to Larry reading instructions ]
LARRY: “Two cups of flour.†[ takes a bowl of flour and pours about half of it into a bigger, empty bowl ] “1/4 pound of butter.†[ takes a plate with 4 sticks of butter on it and dumps all the sticks of butter in the bowl ] “Two cups of milk.†[ takes a milk bottle, and pours in the bowl ] One... [ pours again ] two. [ reads instructions ] Oh, baking powder! Almost forgot! That’s important. [ pours a can of baking powder in the bowl while reading more instructions ]
[ Cut over to Shemp still pouring flour on the turkey ]
SHEMP: Here it is! Fine and dandy! [ puts the sifter down ] Okay, Moe, toikey ready for woiky!
[ Cut to a close-up of the turkey as Shemp zips up its hole. ]
[ Dissolve to a close-up of the turkey burning on fire ]
[ Camera pans back and shows Moe extinguishing the fire, and Shemp watching in disappointment ]
SHEMP: I can’t understand! I can’t understand what happened to that turkey. I only had the dial set at 650 degrees!
MOE: Six hundred an... [ does a double-take ] Listen -- if the cake in that oven turns out like this [ pointing to the turkey ]...you’re gonna be the next one to broil in it! [ turns away from Shemp, then quickly turns back ] And I’m gonna bake ya with nitric acid! Go on, fix that punch and make it snappy!
[ Shemp begins to walk over to the punch, but then he turns back to Moe ]
SHEMP: But the lady said she wanted it weak!
MOE: [ spraying the extinguisher in Shemp’s face ] Go on! Go on!
SHEMP: I’m goin’! Look out! [ walks over to the punch bowl ]
[ Cut to Larry entering the party taking place in the living room, with a platter of onions-on-a-stick in his hand. He walks over to 2 guests ]
LARRY: Here ya are!
[ The two guests look at the onions-on-a-stick in confusion ]
LARRY: I just got a flash from the kitchen! You’d better fill up on these.
[ Cut over to Mrs. Henderson and her husband -- who happens to be the same judge from earlier in the film -- walking over to 2 guests, the Morton’s ]
MRS. HENDERSON: [ to the judge ] Herbert, dear, these are my good friends, George and Lydia Morton. [ to the Morton’s ] My husband, Judge Henderson.
[ The judge and Mr. Morton shake hands ]
MR. MORTON: I’m honored, judge.
JUDGE: Glad to know the president of the Voter’s League.
[ Larry barges in between the Henderson’s and the Morton’s ]
LARRY: Pardon me! [ holds up an onion-on-a-stick to the Morton’s ] May I serve you? [ looks over at the Henderson’s and instantly recognizes the judge ] Help yourself, I’m busy! [ gives Mrs. Morton the platter, then runs back towards the kitchen ]
MRS. HENDERSON: I’m so sorry!
MRS. MORTON: Really!
MRS. HENDERSON: They’re new here.
JUDGE: Odd -- I think I’ve met him before, but I just can’t place him.
[ Cut back to Shemp and Moe in the kitchen; Shemp is pouring punch in the punch bowl, and Moe is carrying a platter with cups and dishes and a kettle of coffee ]
MOE: Well, so the evening shouldn’t be a total loss, we’ll serve ‘em punch, cake and coffee.
SHEMP: Alright, but don’t mix me up!
[ Moe begins to walk towards the kitchen door ]
[ Cut to Larry running up to outside the kitchen door and pushing it open. Loud crashing noises in the kitchen are heard as Larry twitches in shock. ]
[ Cut back to inside the kitchen; Moe is laying on the floor right next to the door, with an empty platter on his stomach and all the cups and dishes shattered on the floor ]
[ Cut to outside the kitchen door; Larry slowly and fearfully walks up to the door and pushes it open ]
[ Cut back inside the kitchen with a close-up of Larry peeking inside the door. He quickly looks around the place, then smiles at the camera in relief. Suddenly, we hear sizzling noises ]
LARRY: OWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
[ Camera pans down and shows Moe on the floor pouring hot coffee on Larry’s feet ]
LARRY: OW, MOE! OOH! OOOOOH!
[ Moe gets up from the floor and grabs Larry ]
LARRY: Wait a minute, Moe! We’re in trouble!
MOE: I’ll say you’re in trouble! [ reaches the coffee kettle back and is about to swing it at Larry ]
LARRY: No, no! The judge is out there!
MOE: What judge?!
LARRY: The judge that wants to send us up for life!
SHEMP: Don’t worry. Where there’s life, there’s hope!
MOE: [ bopping Shemp ] Quiet!
SHEMP: OOH!
MOE: He’ll never recognize us in these outfits! [ to Larry ] Now, go on. You take care of the cake.
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You, possum-puss -- get that punch out there or you’ll get one from me! [ pushing Shemp away ] Go on!
[ Shemp picks up the bowl of punch ]
MOE: Shake a leg!
[ Literally following Moe’s orders, Shemp shakes his left leg as he walks towards the door ]
[ Dissolve to Shemp in the party room, sucking punch in a baster, then squirting it back out in several glasses. The guests are standing behind him, watching in curiosity. Shemp looks behind him and sees all them staring ]
SHEMP: Don’t stand around like a bunch of buzzards! There’s enough here for everybody!
[ The guests reluctantly go back to conversation with each other ]
SHEMP: [ looking in the punch bowl ] Oh, a “Mazarino†cherry!
[ Shemp rolls his right sleeve up, then dips his right hand in the punch bowl and pulls out the cherry, then eats it. He begins choking for a few seconds, and slaps the back and front of his throat. He picks a glass of punch and drinks from it. Moe walks up behind him. ]
SHEMP: Not bad! [ begins squirting some more punch in the glass with the baster ]
[ Moe grabs the baster away and squirts the punch in Shemp’s face ]
MOE: Now get back in the kitchen and help Larry with that cake! [ pushing Shemp off-camera ] Go on!
[ Moe takes all the empty glasses and dips them in the punch bowl, filling them with punch. He takes the platter and walks off-camera ]
[ Cut over to the Henderson’s and the Morton’s ]
MR. MORTON: Judge, what do you think of your chances for re-election?
JUDGE: Mr. Morton, I’d say it all depends on what you recommend for the voters.
MR. MORTON: Ha, ha! Well, you’ve made a splendid record, judge, and I think you can safely count on another term.
JUDGE: Thank you.
[ Moe walks into the scene, extending his left hand with the platter of drinks and trying to hide his face from the judge ]
MOE: Have a slug?
JUDGE: Haven’t I seen you somewhere before?
MOE: Oh, no, your honor!
JUDGE: You sure I never sent you up?
MOE: No, I’ve never been up...except in an elevator! [ clears his throat nervously ] Pardon me!
[ Moe leaves as Mrs. Henderson tries to take a glass of punch from the platter ]
JUDGE: There’s something strange going on around here!
[ Cut to Shemp and Larry in the kitchen; Larry is taking a cake out of the oven ]
LARRY: A masterpiece! [ places the cake on a table ] How does it look?
SHEMP: It looks good -- but let’s see if it’s done.
[ Shemp takes a fork and sticks it into the cake. All the air quickly gushes out of the cake and it deflates and flattens like a balloon. Shemp and Larry jump in shock ]
LARRY: Moe will kill us! What’ll we do now?!
SHEMP: What can we do? We’ll fill ‘er up -- [ look behind him and notices a gas pipe ] with gas!
LARRY: Now you’re cookin’!
[ Larry runs over and grabs the gas pipe, then brings it over to the cake. He places it right over the hole in the cake, and the cake inflates back up about half-way through ]
LARRY: High enough?
SHEMP: I’ll check. [ takes out a [ ? ] and gushes air from the cake inside of it ] 38 pounds. How many people out there?
LARRY: Oh...about 20.
SHEMP: Oh, we’d better pump it a couple of more slices. Go ahead.
[ Larry adds more air in the cake from the pipe, causing it to fully inflate ]
LARRY: Ready!
[ Larry takes the gas pipe away as Shemp ties up the hole in the cake. ]
SHEMP: Now, you see, if you’ll...
[ The cake suddenly begins floating in the air and Shemp catches it and pulls it back down to the table. Larry runs over to him ]
SHEMP: [ letting go of the cake ] Why don’t you stand over there...
[ The cake floats in the air again ]
LARRY: Look ou...!
[ Shemp and Larry catch the cake and pull it back down to the table and hold it down ]
LARRY: Well, Moe said to make it light...
SHEMP: [ slapping Larry ] I don’t care what he said! What are you, standing up there, letting go of it...
LARRY: Okay!
SHEMP: Alright! Go ahead, I’ll hold it. Go ahead, you make with the white stuff there [ pointing to the icing bag ]. Go ahead there.
[ Larry picks up the icing bag and tries to squeeze it over the cake, but nothing comes out ]
SHEMP: [ grabbing the icing bag ] Here, let me!
[ Shemp and Larry let go of the cake and it floats in the air again. ]
LARRY: Will ya...
[ Shemp and Larry grab the cake back down. Larry holds it down as Shemp tries to squeeze out the icing, but he also has difficulties. ]
SHEMP: MMM! [ holds the bag in front of Larry’s face as he tries to squeeze it out ]
LARRY: [ pushing the bag away ] Hey, hey!
[ Shemp holds the bag towards his face as he continues having difficulty getting the icing out ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?! [ squeezes it again ] Oh, it’s kinda stuffed up.
[ Shemp lays the bag down on the table and then hits the middle of it with a hammer. Icing finally comes out of it and it squirts high in the air and off-camera. Shemp and Larry look off-camera and jump in shock ]
[ Cut over to an angry Moe, who has just entered the kitchen, with an icing “question mark†on his face. He walks over to a fearful Shemp and Larry and slaps both of them. ]
LARRY: OW!
MOE: I’m gonna put off murderin’ ya till ya collect yer paycheck! How’s the cake?
SHEMP: Wonderful. If we didn’t hold it down, it’d float away!
MOE: If I want a smart crack, I’ll make one myself! Put the candles in and get it out there! [ picks up several candles ] C’mon, get busy!
SHEMP: Alright! Alright!
MOE: [ handing Shemp the icing bag ] Here!
[ Shemp begins squirting icing on the cake as Moe begins sticking candles in the cake ]
[ Dissolve to the party room. Moe enters ]
MOE: [ imitating a trumpet ] Dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah-dah- dah-dah-dah-dah! The Piece de Resistance!
[ Shemp and Larry enter, pushing a cart with the birthday cake on it ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Listen, everybody -- it''s George Morton’s birthday! Surprise! Surprise!
[ Mr. Morton shakes hands with the judge and Mrs. Henderson as more guests gather around ]
EVERYONE: [ singing ] For he’s a jolly, good fellow
For he’s a jolly, good fellow
For he’s a jolly, good fellow
That nobody can deny
[ Everybody claps ]
MRS. HENDERSON: Happy birthday!
JUDGE: Mr. Morton, it’s all yours! Make a wish and blow out the candles.
MR. MORTON: Well, my fondest wish is that my friend, Judge Henderson, will blow this campaign sky-high!
[ Everyone claps ]
SHEMP: Hooray! Hooray!
[ Judge Henderson blows the candles on the cake. The cake explodes and results in all the guests covered in cake. An angry Mr. Morton turns over to Judge Henderson ]
MR. MORTON: If this is supposed to be a practical joke, I’ve got one for you!
JUDGE: Yeh -- but Mr...
MR. MORTON: I was only joking when I spoke of supporting you! [ looking around the place ] Lydia?! Lydia, where are you?!
[ Cut over to Mrs. Morton coming out from behind the drapes, with her face covered in cake and her hiding in between the Stooges’ “JIFFY FIXERS†board sign ]
MR. MORTON: We’re gettin’ out of here!!
MRS. HENDERSON: Ohh!
[ Mr. Morton and the Henderson’s walk over to Mrs. Morton and help her up ]
MR. MORTON: Lydia, are you alright?!
MRS. MORTON: Ohh! Is the shooting over?
[ The judge examines the “JIFFY FIXERS†sign on Mrs. Morton ]
JUDGE: [ to the Stooges ] Now I know who you are! [ runs over and takes out a rifle that’s hung up on the wall ]
[ Cut to the Stooges bumping into the each other as we hear the rifle firing off-camera, then they each dive out the window ]
STOOGES: OHH! OH-OH-OH-OH-OH! WHOA!!!
[ THE END ]
COLUMBIA : Three Stooges Collection, The Vol. 7: 1952 - 1954
Published by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment (2009)
Released on:
Published by Sony Pictures Home Entertainment (2009)
Released on:
- DVD
Jiffy Fixers
We Repare Enything -- It's done in a FLASH For Very Small CASH
We Repare Enything -- It's done in a FLASH For Very Small CASH
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Face Slaps: 5
Eye Pokes: 0
Head Bonks: 0
Pastry Thrown: 0
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No trivia have been logged for this episode.
Re: LISTEN, JUDGE
Posted 2010-05-16 21:58:46 by Shemp_Diesel
Edited 2015-01-14 13:28:55 by Shemp_Diesel
Reviewer's Rating: (9)
Posted 2010-05-16 21:58:46 by Shemp_Diesel
Edited 2015-01-14 13:28:55 by Shemp_Diesel
In my humble little opinion, it's better than They Stooge to Conga and A Plumbing We Will Go and almost on par with An Ache In Every Stake. I loved Shemp's turkey stuffing & his own unique way of soaking a loaf of bread (I'm sorry pal, but the book says I gotta do it; you had enough, you throw in the towel, well get in there). Props also to Larry for that scene when he peaks his head through the door with a big smile on his face only for it to turn into a scowl of pain as the camera pans down to show Moe pouring hot coffee on him. "Wait a minute Moe, we're in trouble."
9 pokes
Reviewer's Rating:
(9)
Re: LISTEN, JUDGE
Posted 2010-06-13 18:18:43 by JWF
Posted 2010-06-13 18:18:43 by JWF
A good reworking of gags from "An Ache In Every Stake", "They Stooge To Conga" and, if you count the fact that the Stooges are in front of a judge on charges of being caught in a chicken coop, "A Plumbing We Will Go".
Shemp has some great ad libbed lines preparing the turkey stuffing ('this thing has got pits!"). An earlier scene where Moe sticks the lollipop on the side of Shemp's face and he starts licking it has got to be an improvisation from Shemp! Also, after Moe is pulled through the wall trying to fix the doorbell, he starts beating the hell out of Shemp and Larry. Shemp tries to get away by crawling back into the hole that Moe made. I don't know why, but I laughed out loud at that. That had to be another unscripted Shemp move.
I have to ask....they are getting this stuffing recipe out of a book. What stuffing recipe calls for canned tomatoes or oysters???? Only in Stooge-land does this exist!
Re: LISTEN, JUDGE
Posted 2001-08-17 14:47:00 by Stooge
Edited 2008-06-16 02:00:21 by Stooge
Reviewer's Rating: (8)
Posted 2001-08-17 14:47:00 by Stooge
Edited 2008-06-16 02:00:21 by Stooge
A pretty good short. The short is basically a combination of earlier shorts, A PLUMBING WE WILL GO, THEY STOOGE TO CONGA, and AN ACHE IN EVERY STAKE with a lot of reused gags, but most of them are re-done well. Especially the lightbulb-ear gag. Also, Shemp re-doing Curly's turkey scene from ACHE/STAKE great like Curly's version, and I liked Shemp's ad-libbed comments. Also, this is the last short written by the great Elwood Ullman.
Reviewer's Rating:
(8)
RE: LISTEN, JUDGE (1952)
Posted 2003-11-29 14:49:39 by [Deleted Member]
Edited 2003-11-29 14:52:20 by [Deleted Member]
Posted 2003-11-29 14:49:39 by [Deleted Member]
Edited 2003-11-29 14:52:20 by [Deleted Member]
Surprisingly good for a short that's not much more than a paste-up of old gags. The Stooges prove that it's not so much the material, but [i]how it's delivered[/i] that makes it funny. They all have a lot of energy here, especially Shemp. There are times in this middle-later part of their career when Moe, Larry, and Shemp are really [b]on[/b] for a short, and the supporting cast"" especially Vernon and Christine"" get pulled right into the manic spirit of things, giving great performances themselves. A couple of other good examples of first-rate Shemp era Stooging are "Tricky Dicks" and "Scrambled Brains."[3.5pokes]
Re: LISTEN, JUDGE
Posted 2003-02-25 04:46:00 by Bruckman
Reviewer's Rating: (9)
Posted 2003-02-25 04:46:00 by Bruckman
An amalgamation of sure-fire Stoogian gags from earlier films, LISTEN JUDGE misses a 4-poke only because of its lack of originality. Offsetting this, however, is a hilarious performance by Shemp, who gives one of his most consistently funny performances here. Efforts to hide a chicken during a court appearance lead into massive destruction of property as wires are ripped through plaster, Moe's yanked headfirst through a wall and receives a priceless oil painting smashed over his noggin, Shemp's electrocuted, then shorted out with the insertion of a screwdriver in his ear (w/an almost frightening closeup of Shemp, lightbulb screwed in ear, hollering as a "phone howler" sound effect is dubbed in). Without much further ado we move on to Shemp stuffing a turkey (the eggs have "pits"), an explosive cake, and a little sidelong political satire at the expense of the kind of mutual backscratching necessary to advancement in the public arena. So fast paced you don't much care that it was all done before. It isn't so much the gags in this film as their execution by Moe and, primarily, Shemp, which makes this short stand out. "I don't know what happened. I only had the oven set at 600 degrees."
Reviewer's Rating:
(9)
Re: LISTEN, JUDGE
Posted 2002-01-13 18:01:00 by BJR
Reviewer's Rating: (10)
Posted 2002-01-13 18:01:00 by BJR
A very excellent remake, a prime example of my theory that whether a Stooge short features originality or not, it should be judged for the amount of laughter it brings out.This well thought-out remake is basically a combination of the best scenes from some of Curly's best shorts, all redone with Shemp. The short introduction is similar to A PLUMBING WE WILL GO, but it doesn't last very long. The boys showing up at the door and trying to fix the doorbell is very reminiscent of THEY STOOGE TO CONGA. After they nearly break a $3000 item after entering the house, the woman nearly faints, blabbing about how much it costs. Right after Moe had been unusually polite, his reponse to this is, "Beat it lady!" Moe's rudeness to snobs is always a great thing.Moe continues his rudeness, telling the French chef, "Go on you French poodle, you're father's got fleas!" He is then pulled through a wall by Larry and Shemp, and in the process, yells, "I'll moida somebody when I get outta here!"Finally, the last 10 minutes are taken from ACHE IN EVERY STAKE and CRASH GOES THE HASH. Shemp dressing the turkey -- or trying to at least -- is the funniest kitchen scene with him along other than the one in BABY SITTERS JITTERS.With a combiniation of the best scenes of the early/mid-40s era shorts, it's hard to go wrong with this combination remake. One of the *funniest* shorts of all, and that's what matters, isn't it?I must say, this remake is easily better than most of the originals it borrows from, with the exception of THEY STOOGE TO CONGA, a marvelous mid-40s short. Because it isn't shown on AMC, I recommend that anyone who wants to see THEY STOOGE TO CONGA go to this page:http://www.thestoogesrule.com/videos/index3.htmlThere you will find a place to download THEY STOOGE in RealVideo format. It's definitely worth watching, even if the online version is low-quality!But as for this short, it's on about the same level as THEY STOOGE TO CONGA and better than ACHE IN EVERY STAKE and PLUMBING WE WILL GO.Rating: 9/10Edited by - BJR on 1/13/2002 8:04:52 PM
Reviewer's Rating:
(10)
Re: LISTEN, JUDGE
Posted 2001-08-22 05:03:00 by [Deleted Member]
Posted 2001-08-22 05:03:00 by [Deleted Member]
What's in this short that was done in "A-Plumbing We Wil Go'?"Listen" is a great short, in my opinion. I too liked Moe being pulled through the wall, being mistaken for a gopher and then going berserk on Larry and Shemp! I liked Emil Sitka's performance as the first cook too. The funniest thing Moe said to a main character is probably "Gowan, ya French poodle! Your father's got fleas!" One thing I don't understand is how, at the very second of the cake explosion, that slow-moving middle-aged lady could dive into the closet from where she was standing and come crawling out with her head through the Stooges' two-part advertisement sign (and she still got cake all over her too!)ISLIPP on frosting after that explosion. ®20001
Re: LISTEN, JUDGE
Posted 2001-03-17 01:41:00 by Mike Holme
Posted 2001-03-17 01:41:00 by Mike Holme
The three stooges do well in this short. This was the first tape with Shemp I got as a present. It included "Bubble Trouble", and "Dunked in the Deep". I have changed my mind about this short because I've noticed even though it is stitched together, a LOT of new funny routines were added in. By the way, webmaster, Shemp does get bonked in a scene and so does Larry.3 1/2 pokesEdited by - Mike Holme on 11/8/2001 11:04:34 PM
Re: LISTEN, JUDGE
Posted 2000-12-02 12:01:00 by Uncle Mortimer
Posted 2000-12-02 12:01:00 by Uncle Mortimer
Shemp's turkey stuffing made it. As good as Curly's. I've always loved the scenes that have Shemp doing something on his own(like tearing the guts of the TV out in 'GOOF ON THE ROOF'.)Talking to, and insulting inanimate objects was a great stooge talent. I think it influenced me as a kid, because I do it alot myself when cleaning up the house or when something gets in my way. I thought Shemp was the best at this. How 'bout that one ironing board scene..or the table leg scene in 'HOKUS POKUS'...
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