Schtick Figures (The Cool, the Comical, the Crazy)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2009-01-17
[ The short beings with the Stooges asleep in the same bed, snoring loudly. Moe and Joe are sleeping at the correct side on the bed, while Larry is sleeping upside down with his head by the foot of the bed. They each begin speaking in their sleep. ]
JOE: Mary, dear… My Mary!
MOE: Sally, dear… [ snores ] I love you…
LARRY: Oh, Mabel, baby… I'm nuts about ya…
[ Larry rests his hand on Moe's foot, which he thinks is Mabel's face ]
LARRY: Your beautiful face… [ rubs Moe's foot ]
[ Moe begins laughing while still sleeping ]
LARRY: [ pinches Moe's big toe ] And that cutest little button nose! And your smooth, smooth skin… [ rubs Moe's foot ]
[ Moe laughs more ]
LARRY: Oh, smooooooth… [ continues rubbing Moe's foot ] Smoooooooth…
[ Moe laughs even louder ]
LARRY: [ feels hair on Moe's foot ] Uh-oh… your eyebrows need fluffing. I'll do it, baby.
[ Larry plucks a hair out from Moe's foot, which immediately wakes him up. He looks at Larry with an angry expression. ]
LARRY: Kiss me, Mabel… You send me.
MOE: I'll send you!
[ Moe slaps Larry in the face with his foot, waking Larry up ]
LARRY: [ holds face ] OOF!! [ leans up ] What's the idea of kickin' me?!!
MOE: You woke me up, you were ticklin' my foot!
LARRY: Oh, I'm sorry.
[ Joe wakes up ]
JOE: Good morning, fellas!
MOE AND LARRY: Good morning!
[ Joe looks at the clock next to the bed, then quickly gets up out of bed ]
JOE: Hey, I-I better get goin'!
LARRY: What's the matter?
MOE: What's the matter, Joe?
[ Moe and Larry get up out of bed ]
JOE: Today is the day I get engaged to my Mary!
MOE: [ looks at watch ] February 7th… and I get engaged to Sally!
LARRY: And I get engaged to Mabel today! What a coincidence!
MOE: Hey, speaking of coincidence, I'm starved. Do you think you can cook breakfast?
LARRY: I don't think - I know!
MOE: I don't think you know, either!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Larry in the kitchen holding up a box labeled "MRS. FLIPPERS FLUFFY PANCAKE MIX" ]
LARRY: Now, let me see… [ reads back of box ] "For fluffy, feather-like pancakes, two cups of Flipper's Fluffy Flapjack Mix."
[ Larry pours the pancake mix into one small cup, then drops the entire cup into a mixing bowl ]
LARRY: One cup…
[ Larry pours the pancake mix into another cup, then drops the cup into the mixing bowl ]
LARRY: Two cups… [ reads box ] "Add two eggs."
[ Larry picks up two uncracked eggs and puts them into the mixing bowl ]
LARRY: [ reads box ] "And one can of condensed milk."
[ Larry picks up a can of milk and puts it into the mixing bowl. After a few seconds, he does a double-take and puts his hand on his chin. ]
LARRY: That can't be right…
[ Larry smiles and takes the can of milk back out of the mixing bowl. He tears the paper label off of the can. ]
LARRY: Can't eat paper!
[ Larry puts the can back into the mixing bowl, then looks down at the bowl with a confused expression ]
[ Meanwhile in the Stooges' dressing room, Moe is fixing his hair with a strange-looking comb and Joe is shining his bald head with polish and a brush ]
[ Moe picks up a bottle of some kind of hair liquid and is about to put it on his head, but he stops and takes a quick sip of it. He reacts to the taste in disgust and spits it back out, then puts the bottle away. ]
[ Joe picks up a towel and holds it over his head ]
JOE: Hey, Moe, give me a hand.
MOE: Okay, goldilocks!
[ Moe begins rubbing Joe's head with the towel ]
[ Back in the kitchen, Larry finishes up putting the pancake mix into a squeeze bottle. He takes the squeeze bottle over to the stove and begins squeezing the pancake mix in an odd shape into a pan. ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Moe and Joe sitting at a table waiting for their breakfast. Joe is staring away into space with a dazed smile on his face. Larry walks up to the table with a platter of different-shaped pancakes. ]
LARRY: Here we are!
[ Larry puts several pancakes onto Joe's plate as Joe continues staring away with a smile ]
[ Moe picks his own pancakes to put onto his plate and he stares in astonishment at each oddly-shaped pancake. Moe holds up one triangle-shaped pancake and looks at Larry. ]
MOE: Hey… what is this, Phi Sigma Delta?
LARRY: No! They're Flipper's Fluffy Ferblongada Flapjacks!
MOE: Oh, a new sorority! Well…
[ Moe picks up another pancake from the platter Larry is holding ]
LARRY: Wait, the rest are for me.
MOE: Okay, oka-- [ looks at another oddly-shaped pancake ]
LARRY: [ puts down platter ] Excuse me, fellas. I gotta make a phone call to my Mabel. Oh, my beautiful Mabel… [ walks to another room ][ Moe places a syrup bottle next to Joe, who is still looking away into space with a smile ]
MOE: Have some syrup, Joe.
JOE: Thanks.
[ Not looking at what he's doing, Joe picks up the ketchup bottle instead and pours it all over his pancakes ]
JOE: You should see my Mary's eyes.
MOE: My Sally's, too.
JOE: They're like two headlights on a dark night.
MOE: My Sally's, too.
JOE: And teeth like pearls.
[ Joe puts the ketchup bottle down and begins eating the ketchup-covered pancakes while continuing to smile off into space ]
MOE: Oh, my Sally's cheeks.
[ Moe is putting teaspoons of sugar into his tea while looking at Joe ]
MOE: Those lips… Those nose! Ohh, she is simply divine!
[ Moe looks upwards while using a spoon to mix the cup of sugar, which he thinks is his cup of tea ]
MOE: What a figure! Ohh, my!
[ While still not looking, Moe holds up the cup of sugar and begins drinking from it ]
MOE: All for me!
[ Moe makes a strange face when he tastes all the sugar, then he looks down at the cup of sugar in surprise ]
[ Meanwhile, Larry is talking on the phone to his fiancee ]LARRY: Yeah, I'll be right over. You sure you love me, cutie pie?
{C}
[ The fiancee makes a sour face, then puts on a fake smile ]FIANCEE: Of course I do, darling.
[ The fiancee makes kissing sounds into the phone. Larry makes kissing sounds back. ] LARRY: [ excitedly raises arms in air ] SHE LOVES ME! SHE LOVES ME! SHE LOVES ME-- [ As Larry brings arms down, the hand holding the receiver accidentally smashes against his head, breaking the receiver ]LARRY: OH!!
[ Larry rubs his head in pain, then suddenly smiles ]
LARRY: But she loves me!
[ Back at the table, Moe and Joe are still thinking about their fiancees ]
JOE: Oh, my Sally… My Sally!
[ Larry walks back up to the table and sits down ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas, after we get engaged today, why don't we all come back here and have a little celebration. After all, we never met each other's "fye-in-sees".
JOE: That's a good idea!
MOE: Yeah, but we can't let our girls see that torn davenport. [ points to couch with holes in it ]
JOE: Well, don't worry about it. I bought new material to recover it!
LARRY: Hey, let's finish eating and we'll go to work.
JOE: That's a good idea!
[ The Stooges all reach over and each pick up pancakes from each other's plates ]
LARRY: Hey…
MOE: Come on...
JOE: I want this one here, this is… Here's one that I want.
LARRY: No, wait a minute…
JOE: I want this onnnnne!!
LARRY: You--
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges beginning to fix up their torn davenport. Moe and Joe both stretch out the material as Larry cuts through it. ]
MOE: My girl proposed to me the minute she met me.
LARRY: Yeah, mine did, too.
JOE: You know, that's a coincidencal. My future wife did the same with me!
MOE: Heh heh!
LARRY: [ finishes cutting through material ] There we are!
[ Moe drops the cloth roll, then he and Larry notice that Larry has cut one side of Moe's suit while cutting the cloth ]
LARRY: The scissors slipped!
MOE: [ grabs scissors from Larry ] You stupid idiot! LARRY: Wait a minute, I can explain it--[ Moe grabs Larry by the hair, then crunches his nose with the scissors ] LARRY: OHHH! OHH! OHH!! OH, MY NOSE!!! [ sobbing ] My poor, poor, little, cute, lovable nose! MOE: Aww, there, there kid. [ pats Larry's face ] I was a little bit excited!LARRY: Oh--MOE: [ nose-honks Larry ] C'MON, YOU!!! Get outta here! [ to Joe ] Hey, imbecile.
LARRY AND JOE: What?
MOE: [ to Joe ] You get the tack hammer and the tacks. [ to Larry ] You help me stretch this material.
[ Joe goes to get the hammer and tacks ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Come on.
[ Larry and Moe stretch the material over the couch ]
MOE: Now be careful.
LARRY: Alright.
MOE: I buy a two-pants suit, and this guy ruins the coat! Guh…
[ Joe sticks a tack to the end of a hammer, then walks up to Moe ]
MOE: [ points to material in front of hand ] Right here.
[ Joe swings the hammer up several times, then stops ]
JOE: Just a minute. I-I wanna do this right. I-I don't wanna miss.
MOE: That's very encouraging!
[ Joe puts on a pair of glasses with very blurry lenses ]
JOE: Ready?
MOE: [ points to material in front of hand ] Now right there.
JOE: It's a cinch!
[ Joe swings his hammer down toward the material, but actually ends up hammering the tack into Moe's hand ]
MOE: OUCH!! [ holds fist with tack in it up to face ] OOH OOH OOH OOOOOHH!!
[ Moe yanks the tack out of his fist with his teeth ] JOE: I-I'm sorry, Moe! I-I never could see out of these "bicycle focals"! [ takes off glasses ]
MOE: [ grabs hammer ] Gimme that! [ points to opposite end of couch ] Get over there and tighten the other end of that thing, you imbecile, or I'll brain ya! [ raises hammer in air ]
JOE: [ points finger at Moe ] No!!
[ Moe shrugs his shoulders and puts the hammer down, then suddenly slaps Joe on the head ]
MOE: Go onnnnn!
JOE: OOOOOOH!
[ Joe falls backwards and bumps into Larry ]
LARRY: OOOHH!!
{C}
{C}[ Larry pushes Joe into a drawer chest ]
LARRY: Get outta the way!
MOE: Hey, porcupine, come here and help me.
JOE: I gotta get another hammer!
[ Moe and Larry stretch the material over the couch, while Joe takes a gun out from the drawer ]
MOE: Stretch that material.
LARRY: Okay, wait'll I get a tack.
MOE: Here, pound it in… Wait a minute! Wait'll I get my finger out of the way.
LARRY: [ mumbles ] Okay.
[ Joe begins hammering the bottom of the gun into the material on the side of the couch opposite Moe and Larry. The gun barrel is faced toward Moe.
[ Moe sees what Joe is doing, then angrily grins to himself and folds his arms together ]
[ Joe accidentally pulls the trigger and the gun fires at Moe's head, splitting the middle of his hair right off ]MOE: [ holds head ] OWWWWW! OH OH OH OH OH! OOOH! OOOH, I'M SCALPED! WWWWWO!
JOE: Oh… Moe!
[ Larry and Joe run over to Moe and rub the steam from his head ]
MOE: Ohh… ohh…
JOE: Nothin' to worry about! No blood!
MOE: If I had a machine gun, I'd blow you to ribbons!
LARRY: A machine gun! I got a brilliant idea, I'll be right back! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Joe ] You spongehead!
JOE: Moe, I-I didn't realize I was holding the gun--
MOE: Shut up!!
[ Joe covers his face and accidentally sticks the barrel of his gun into Moe's open mouth ]
MOE: MMMMMPH!
[ Moe pulls the gun out and looks at Joe angrily ]
[ At a table, Larry picks up a funnel and a box of tacks ]
LARRY: Here we are! [ places funnel over rifle barrel ] Funnel.
JOE: [ off-camera, to Moe ] No, don't do that! You'll break the gun!
LARRY: [ pours tacks into rifle ] Plenty of tacks.
JOE: [ off-camera ] I got a hard head!
[ Larry takes the funnel off the rifle barrel, then walks back up to Moe and Joe ]
MOE: [ to Joe ] Now you watch your P's and Q's, see?
JOE: Okay! L, M, F, F, P, Q…
LARRY: Hey, fellas, look. [ holds up rifle ]
MOE: Hey, wait a minute, wait a minute… What's the idea of the rifle?
LARRY: That's a continuous-shooting automatic. I figured if a rivet gun can shoot rivets, this can shoot tacks!
MOE: Ohh, this is a smart imbecile! [ pats Larry's head ]
LARRY: Alright, stretch the material.
MOE: Okay, kid.
[ Moe and Joe stretch the cloth over the couch as Larry points his rifle at it ]
LARRY: There we go!
[ Larry fires the rifle several times, then stops ]
[ The tacks that Larry shot out the rifle are holding up the material over the couch. The tacks are lined up together perfectly. ]
MOE: Whaddaya know! Lookit there!
LARRY: How was that?
MOE: Great! Real "hamstitching"! Come on, hurry up and finish! I gotta get over to my girl's house.
JOE: Me, too!
LARRY: Me, three!
[ Larry walks back over to the table and puts a funnel back over the rifle barrel ]
MOE: [ looks at couch ] Gee whiz…
JOE: [ looks at couch ] Hey, tha-tha-that's great!
MOE: Just like a professional. Boy, oh, boy…
[ Joe walks over to Larry and tries to grab hold of the rifle ]
JOE: Larry, let me try it!
LARRY: [ still holding rifle ] No, wait a minute! This is my idea!
JOE: Come on, let me try--
LARRY: No, I wanna do it!
JOE: Don't be a stingy!
[ While Larry and Joe are fighting over the rifle, Moe is fixing the material on the couch ]
MOE: Where's that tack?
[ Moe bends over the couch to reach a tack ]
JOE: [ to Larry ] Let me!
LARRY: No, no! You can't!
[ Suddenly, the trigger is pulled and the rifle fires, shooting a whole bunch of tacks into Moe's behind ]
MOE: OWW!! OWW!! OHHHHO!!
[ Larry and Joe look over in surprise ]
MOE: OW! OW! OWW! OHHHH, I'M LOSING MY MIND!!! FELLAS, HELP!! OOOOOOOHHH!!
[ Larry and Joe both run up to Moe ]
JOE: Oh, Moe!
LARRY: Take it easy, Moe! [ grabs hammer ] We'll get 'em out!
MOE: Hurry up!!
[ Joe picks up a pair of pliers. He begins pulling the tacks out of Moe's behind with the pliers while Larry yanks the tacks out with the back of the hammer. ]
MOE: OHH! OHH! OUCH! OHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
LARRY: Relax, Moe!
MOE: TAKE IT EASY!! YOU'RE TEARIN' MY HEART OUT!! OHHHHH!!! AAAH! OOHHHHH!! OHHHHHHHOOOOOHHHH!! OWW! YOWWWW!! NNNNNNYYYOOOWWWW!!
[ Finally, Larry and Joe are done pulling all the tacks out of Moe's behind ]
LARRY: Here, take it easy, Moe! How do ya feel?
MOE: Like a swiss cheese! You and your inventions! [ eyepokes Larry ]
LARRY: OOHH!!
MOE: I'll tack it myself! [ walks over to table with box of tacks ]
LARRY: [ to Joe ] It's all your fault!
JOE: It's your fault! You-- you're such a stingy!
[ Meanwhile, Moe puts several tacks in his mouth to moisten them for the hammer ]
JOE: [ stomach-butts Larry ] There!
{C}
{C}LARRY: You--
[ Larry reaches over to punch Joe, but Joe ducks. Larry ends up punching the back of Moe's head, causing Moe to accidentally swallow all those tacks in his mouth. ]MOE: [ gags ] ELL! AHALAALA! LARRY: Sufferin' catfish, he swallowed the tacks!
JOE: Quick, bend him over the couch!
[ Larry and Joe bend Moe over the couch and slap him on the back in an attempt to get the tacks to come out of his mouth ]
LARRY: The tacks won't come out!
JOE: Well, they went in - they must be "income tacks"!
LARRY: Yeh-- [ does a double-take ] Mmm, jokes at a time like this! I got an idea. Put him on the couch on his back. [ walks off-camera ]
JOE: Okay, doc!
[ Joe rolls Moe on his back on the couch ]
JOE: I'll get ya, Moe... Everything will be alright. Just take it easy, Moe. Here, he'll get 'em out.
[ Larry returns with a magnet ]
LARRY: Okay… open your mouth, Moe.
[ Moe opens his mouth wide and Larry slowly forces the magnet down inside ]
JOE: Cough, Moe! Cough! Cough sideways!
LARRY: Move that tonsil to the right.
JOE: Cough sideways!!
LARRY: No, no, move your right tonsil!
MOE: Ahhhh…
LARRY: There, there, there! Uh-huh! I see it! [ begins pulling magnet out ] Here we go…
[ Larry takes the magnet out of Moe's mouth and the magnet is covered with all of the tacks that Moe swallowed ]
LARRY: How's that? [ hands magnet to Joe ]
JOE: Hey…
[ Moe gets up from the couch ]
JOE: These tacks'll never "attack" you again, Moe!
MOE: But I will! [ raises eyepoking fingers at Joe ]
LARRY: [ grabs Moe's hand back ] Wait a minute! No you--
MOE: [ eyepokes Larry ] Get outta here! [ looks at fruit bowl ] Hey… [ picks up apple ] Have an apple! LARRY: Thank you![ Larry holds out his hand, expecting Moe to hand him the apple. Moe instead smashes the apple on Larry's forehead. Larry grimaces in pain while Moe grins evilly as the scene fades out. ]
[ The next scene begins inside the Stooges' fiancee's apartment. She is sitting on her couch and petting her cat. Suddenly, there's a knock on her front door. The fiancee gets up, then opens the door and sees Larry, who is smiling. ]
FIANCEE: Oh, come in!
[ Larry walks in ]
FIANCEE: I knew you were coming, so I baked a cake! [ points to cake ][ They both look at the chocolate cake on the table ]LARRY: Thank you! [ pats coat pocket ] And I got somethin' for my little cutie pie, too! FIANCEE: Oh?[ Larry takes off his coat and reveals another vest he has on under it. He then takes his vest off and his bottom shirt has a pocket with a lock on it. Larry opens the lock and then takes a ring box out of the pocket. ]LARRY: Close your eyes! [ The fiancee shuts her eyes in anticipation. Larry takes the ring out of the box, then looks at the ring in confusion and jiggles the box upside down as if he's expecting something more. Larry then puts the box down and slides the ring on one of his fiancee's fingers, then holds a magnifying glass in front of her face. LARRY: Open your eyes. [ The fiancee opens her eyes and sees a magnified view of the diamond on her ring ]FIANCEE: Oh! LARRY: [ puts magnifying glass down ] There. Now how about a little kiss? [ Larry and the fiancee hold each other and Larry begin kissing her cheek. Suddenly, there's another knock at the door. ]FIANCEE: Oh! It-It-It-It's mama! [ Larry snaps his finger in anger ]FIANCEE: I wanna break the news to her gently about us. Would you mind waiting in the left bedroom? LARRY: The left bedroom, yes! [ Larry grabs his coat and vest from the floor, and opens the door to the hallway ]
FIANCEE: Hurry up there.
[ Larry turns back to his fiancee and blows a kiss to her. As he turns back around, he accidentally bumps into the door. ]
[ After Larry closes the door, the fiancee takes off her ring and hides it down the front of her dress, then walks up to the front door and opens it. She sees Moe standing outside the door. ]FIANCEE: Darling, come in!
[ Moe walks in ]
FIANCEE: I knew you were coming, so I baked a cake! [ points to cake ]MOE: Oh, fancy that! You're a honey bunny! Ha ha ha!
[ Moe pinches the fiancee's cheek and she notices a bell hanging from Moe's hand ] FIANCEE: Hey! What-Wha-What's--MOE: Oh, this! I have bells on my finger - and... Ha ha!
[ Moe sits down on the couch and pulls off his shoe, revealing a ring on one of his toes ]
MOE: --Ring on my toe! Ha ha ha ha ha!
FIANCEE: Oh?
[ Moe takes off the ring and puts it on the fiancee's hand ]
FIANCEE: Oh! MOE: How 'bout a kiss?
{C}
{C}[ Moe is about to begin kissing the fiancee on the cheek when yet another knock is heard on the front door ]FIANCEE: It's mama! I wanna break the news to her gently about us. Would you mind waiting in the right bedroom?
MOE: The right bedroom, yes! [ goes up to hallway door ]FIANCEE: Hey! [ Moe looks at the fiancee and she throws his shoe back at him, hitting him in the face ] MOE: OOF! [ kindly ] Oh, darling...
[ Moe angrily picks up the shoe, then walks in the hallway ]
[ After Moe closes the hallway door, the fiancee takes off her second ring and hides it down the front of her dress. Then she opens the front door and Joe walks in. ]
{C}
{C}FIANCEE: Hello, darling!
JOE: Hi, lemon pie!
FIANCEE: I knew you were coming, so I baked a cake! [ points to cake ]
{C}
{C}JOE: Oh, how sweet, my-my darling. You shouldn'ta oughtn'ta done it. Come on, let's sit down here.
[ Joe and the fiancee sit down on the couch ]
JOE: You know, I-I didn't forget you, either!
FIANCEE: Oh?
[ Joe pulls out a framed photo of himself from a paper bag ]
JOE: Now you can have me with you… for always!
[ The fiancee grimaces as she looks at the horrible picture of Joe, then she places it on the table next to the couch ]
FIANCEE: [ giggles ] Ahh, Joe…
[ Meanwhile, the cat looks up and notices that ugly photo of Joe, then shrivels up and hisses in disgust ]
[ In the hallway of the apartment, Moe and Larry are each peeking out of their room, curious about what their fiancee is doing. They begin wandering around the hallway, not noticing each other. Then they bump into each other. ]MOE AND LARRY: Pardon me...
[ Moe and Larry are both about to walk back to their room before they do a double-take ]
MOE: What are you doin' in my girl's house?!LARRY: Your girl??? She's my girl! MOE: We'll see about that! Come on! [ grabs Larry by hair ] LARRY: [ grabs Moe by hair ] Yeah, alright, I'm with ya! Don't worry... [ Moe and Larry walk out of the hallway, still grabbing each other by the hair, and then notice Joe laying in the fiancee's lap ]
JOE: Cutie pie!
MOE: Aha!!
[ The fiancee suddenly stands up, causing Joe to fall on the floor ]
MOE: Come here, you! [ picks up Joe ] What are you doin' in my girl's house?!
LARRY: [ pushes Moe ] Your girl's house? You mean my girl's house!
JOE: You're both crazy - she's my girl!
MOE: You hold your tongue!
[ Joe literally tries to hold his tongue with his fingers ]
JOE: I can't! It's too slippery!
LARRY: Shut up!
MOE: [ points finger at Larry ] You shut up!
[ Larry bites Moe's finger ]
MOE: OOHHHHHHHHHHH!!
LARRY: There!
MOE: [ grabs chocolate cake ] Why, you!
LARRY: No, wait a minute, Moe! No!
[ Moe throws the cake at Larry, but Larry ducks and it misses him ]
FIANCEE: DON'T YOU DARE--
[ Suddenly, the fiancee gets smashed right in the face with the cake ]
FIANCEE: UGH! UUHHHHHH!! GRRRR!! HHHHHHUU!!
[ The Stooges look on in surprise. The fiancee then storms out of the room crying. ]
{C}
{C}MOE: [ to Larry ] Hey… [ holds up fist ] See that?
LARRY: What?
MOE: [ bops Joe and Larry's heads with fist ] Get outta here!
LARRY: OOH!
JOE: Ooh, I'm mad! I'm fighting mad!! [ stomach-butts Larry ]
LARRY: Ohh!
MOE: [ grabs Joe ] Hey, hey, hey, hey! Take it easy!
JOE: And you, too! [ stomach-butts Moe ] OOOOOHHHHH!!
MOE: Why, you!
[ Moe and Larry both punch Joe, causing him to fall backwards ]
JOE: OOHH!!
[ Joe falls back into a wall, which knocks a plant above Joe off of its shelf and the pot smashes over Joe's head. He leans against the wall with a dazed expression. ]
LARRY: [ to Moe ] You dirty double-crosser!
MOE: You're a triple-crosser!
LARRY: You stole my girl!
MOE: And she was my girl!
LARRY: Yeah, well, we'll fight for her honor! [ starts doing shadowboxing dance ] Put up your hands! Cause you see, when I was in the ring-- [ mumbles ] Be there!
MOE: [ punches Larry ] Get out!
[ Larry falls off-camera and Moe angrily follows him ]
MOE: I'll murder ya!
[ Punching sounds are heard off-camera ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] Take that, ya worm!!
LARRY: [ off-camera ] OOF!
[ Joe regains consciousness and comes back to ]
JOE: I'll fix 'em!
[ More punching sounds are heard off-camera ]
LARRY: [ off-camera ] Yeah, take that!
MOE: [ off-camera ] Ooh!
JOE: I'll fix 'em all!! [ leaves apartment ]
LARRY: [ off-camera ] OWW!
[ Camera cuts over to Moe and Larry. Moe whacks Larry over the head with a fireplace bellows ]
MOE: Get outta here!
{C}
{C}[ Larry drops to the floor, still leaning up. Moe knocks him on the head with the bellows again and Larry lays flat on the floor. Moe places the bellows in Larry's mouth, then begins pumping chimney soot out of the bellows. ]MOE: Steal my girl, eh?! [ Moe continues pumping chimney soot into Larry's mouth until Larry's stomach gets as big as a huge balloon. Moe steps down on Larry's inflated stomach and all the chimney soot comes blowing out of Larry's mouth and into the air. ]
MOE: NYAAAAAH!! [ As Moe looks at the bellows in confusion, Larry wakes up from his daze, with his face all covered in soot, and grabs hold of a nearby chimney shovel. He smashes the shovel into Moe's knee. ]MOE: OH-OH-OH-OH-OH! LARRY: Wiseguy, eh?!
[ Larry stands up from the floor and hits Moe on the head with the shovel several more times ]
LARRY: Do that to me, will ya?! Who do you think you are?!
{C}
{C}[ Moe tries to run away ]
MOE: Larry, I'll moida ya!!LARRY: You--MOE: I'll tell ya--LARRY: [ smashes Moe on head ] Quiet!
MOE: OH! [ raises fist ]
LARRY: [ smashes Moe on head ] Quiet!
MOE: [ raises fist ] Why, you![ Larry continues banging Moe on the head several times with the shovel, knocking him dizzy. After several more hits, both Moe and Larry are running out of energy. ]
[ The fiancee enters the room, dressed to go outside. She notices an almost-lifeless Larry still continuing to hit an equally tired Moe with the shovel. The fiancee takes the shovel away from Larry's hand, and gives it to Moe. Moe hits Larry with the shovel, and Larry falls on the floor and passes out. The fiancee then takes the shovel and hits Moe with it. Instead of passing out on the floor, Moe just stands up frozen with a dazed expression. The fiancee puts her hands on her hips in surprise, then blows in Moe's face, knocking him down on the floor where he passes out. ]
FIANCEE: [ laughs ] So long, suckers!
[ The fiancee opens the front door to leave, but Joe angrily barges in wearing a large dark coat. The fiancee backs away in fear. ]
JOE: Don't be frightened, honey. Look what I got for you - [ holds up money ] a $100 bill!
FIANCEE: Ooh, money!!
[ Joe drops the money on the floor ]
JOE: Ooh ooh, pardon me, it dropped…
[ The fiancee bends over to pick up the money ]
[ Joe quickly pulls a machine gun filled with tacks out from his jacket, points it at the fiancee's behind, and fires the machine gun several times. ]
FIANCEE: [ off-camera ] OOOOOH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!!
[ The camera shows that the fiancee's behind is covered with tacks ]
FIANCEE: OWWW OOH HOO HOO HOO HOO!!
[ Joe walks closer to the fiancee and begins spanking her behind with the machine gun handle as she continues crying ]
JOE: You jezebel, you! You three-timer, you! You cheater!
THE END
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