Great Movie Comedians, The (From Charlie Chaplin to Woody Allen)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2009-02-01
[The short opens up in Maggie Smirch’s living room. Thaddeus is sitting on a chair reading the comics section of the newspaper. He is chuckling as he reads. Maggie enters]
MAGGIE: Oh Thaddeus! I have the most marvelous surprise for you.
THADDEUS: For me?
MAGGIE: Mm Hm! We’re going to have the whole house redecorated.
THADDEUS: Oh, but Maggie, we just had the whole house redecorated.
MAGGIE: But that’s not the point. It’s a political move. You see, Omay, the famous Parisian interior decorator, has just opened an office in town. Well, Luella Pindle thinks he’s about the last word. Now, when Luella finds out he’s done our house, she’ll think we’re really people of quality. It may mean we’ll get into “Who’s who.” You might be invited to join a golf club.
[Maggie picks up the phone and starts dialing]
THADDEUS: Maggie, do you realize that before we came into all this money, I was a letter carrier? Golf club! [grabs his foot and scoffs]
[Cut to Omay’s office. He is on the phone with Maggie. While he is talking, we hear a banging sound]
OMAY: [on the phone] Yes, madam, this is Omay. Who? Oh, Mrs. Smirch! Yes, how do you do? How are you? [the banging sound still continues] I’m sorry madam, but some clumsy men are working in the corridor. Could you please speak louder?
[Cut to the hallway outside Omay’s office. Moe is hammering on the wall, while Curly and Larry play checkers on the checkered floor with paint cans]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo.
[Curly takes a paint can and moves it diagonally on the checked floor. When he drops the paint can, it falls on Larry’s foot.]
LARRY: Oh!
[Curly grabs two of Larry’s paint cans and puts them to side after he makes his move]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
[Cut back to Omay’s office]
OMAY: [on the phone] Uh, could you please come to my office? Uh say, at twelve o’ clock?
MAGGIE: [on the phone] Oh thank you! I’ll be there.
OMAY: [on the phone] Thank you so much. [hangs up]
[Cut to the hallway outside Omay’s office. Larry is thinking for a while before he makes his next move in the checker game. Curly sees a spot on the checkered floor for Larry to make a move. Curly quickly opens his jacket and tries to block Larry’s view. Larry peaks over Curly’s jacket and sees the spot. He moves his paint can diagonally and he takes Curly’s paint can.]
LARRY: I’m a king, now crown me.
CURLY: You’re lucky. [takes his hat and covers Larry’s paint can]
[Moe walks up to Larry and Curly]
MOE: You guys don’t get to work, I’ll crown ya. Get it outta here! [kicks Curly’s hat on the floor, which has the paint can under it] Owww!
[Moe starts hopping up and down in pain. Curly and Larry start making a rhythmic clap as Moe is in pain. Moe looks at Curly and Larry in anger and they stop. As Curly bends down to pick up the paint cans, Moe kicks Curly in the rear]
CURLY: Oh! Oh!
[Omay enters]
OMAY: [yells] Quiet! Quiet!
MOE: What’s all the fuss, mademoiselle?
[Omay says a few words in French]
OMAY: How’s it possible to make so much noise painting?
MOE: You don’t know us guys. We make noise stuffin’ a mattress.
[Curly sees a tassel hanging from Omay’s shirt and he starts going crazy]
CURLY: Ah!! Woo woo woo woo woo! Ah! Ruff ruff! Woo woo woo!
[Moe and Larry grab Curly]
LARRY: Moe! Tickle his chin! Tickly his chin! Hurry up! Hurry, get something.
[Moe grabs a paintbrush and tickles Curly’s chin]
MOE: Take it easy kid. Easy!
[As Moe tickles Curly’s chin, he starts stammering]
MOE: Easy, easy, easy! [knocks on Curly’s head]
CURLY: Woo woo! [calms down]
MOE: [to Omay] See, he don’t mean nothing. Those tassels drive him nuts. When he was a baby, somebody tickled him with a pussy willow. This was the only thing that’ll bring him out of it, see?
[Omay starts blabbering in French]
LARRY: [yells at Omay] Fou on you.
CURLY: Ruff!!
[Moe tickles Curly’s chin again]
MOE: Easy kid!
CURLY: [calms down] Thank you!
[The manger comes over and calls Moe]
MANAGER: Hey you!
MOE: Who? Me?
MANAGER: Yeah, you. Come here.
MOE: [to Larry and Curly] It’s the boss. Show a little interest in your work.
[Moe walks up to the manager]
MOE: What’s your trouble, boss?
MANAGER: The tenants are all kicking for signs on their doors. We’ll have to use these stencils temporarily.
[The manager is holding a bunch of stencils on each hand.]
MOE: Ok.
MANAGER: Wait a minute. They’re all in order. Now, put ‘em on just as they are. These go on this side. [The stencils on his right hand go on the wall on his right] These go on that side. [The stencils on his left hand go on the wall on his left]
MOE: It’s a cinch. Hahahaha. [takes the stencils] These go on this side, these go on that side. [points the stencils at the right direction]
MANAGER: That’s right. Make it snappy. [leaves]
MOE: Ok. [to himself] These go on this side, these go on that side.
[Moe points the stencils in the right direction, but he turns around and now the stencils Moe is holding are facing the wrong wall]
MOE: [to himself] These go on this side, these go on that side. These go on this side, these go on that side. Right!
[Moe walks up to Larry and Curly who are sleeping on the floor]
MOE: [yells] Hey!!
[Curly and Larry quickly get up]
MOE: We gotta get goin’. [gives Larry one set of stencils] Here, put these stencils on the door on the left side of the hall. [gives Curly the other set of stencil] You take the right side. [starts walking away]
CURLY: Where are you going?
MOE: I’m gonna get my brush. I’m the period man! [walks away]
LARRY: Which is the left side?
CURLY: That’s the left. [points to the left]
LARRY: Which is right?
CURLY: The one that’s left. [points to the right]
LARRY: That’s right!
CURLY: No that’s left. Th- That’s--- Ruff!!
[Cut to the outside of the building where we see a chauffeur open a car door. Maggie gets out of the car]
[Cut back to inside the building. The stooges paint a sign on a door that reads: “Building superintendent.”]
MOE: Well, boys, there’s a pretty good morning’s work. How ‘bout some lunch?
LARRY: That’s a good idea. Where’ll we go?
MOE: Let’s try the Ritz!
LARRY: Oh, I’m getting tired of the Ritz. How about the Waldorf?
CURLY: I’m tired of both those places. Let’s go to Biltmore.
LARRY: Have you got a quarter on you?
MOE: I had three cents when I come in this morning. Somebody borrowed it from me.
[The stooges walk into the lunch room, but the door is labeled, “Omay. Interior Decorator. Objects D’art.” This is due to Moe’s mix-up with the stencils]
[A man walks out of “Building Superintendent” door. This room happens to be an elevator]
[Cut to the lunch room. The stooges are eating lunch on the table]
MOE: [to Larry] Imme-gay the alt-say!
LARRY: Eep-kay your irt-shay on.
CURLY: Hey! What are you guys doing? Talking behind my back?
MOE: Nobody’s talking behind your back. That’s pig Latin.
LARRY: Sure, anybody can understand it. It’s very simple.
CURLY: Well I can’t and I’m simple.
MOE & LARRY: Now listen---
LARRY: Uh, you tell him.
MOE: [to Curly] My name is Moe.
CURLY: How are you?
MOE: Fine, thanks. I--- [does a double take]
MOE: My name is Moe. In pig Latin, that’s Omay.
LARRY: My name is Larry. Now what’s that in Pig Latin?
CURLY: [confused] Omay.
[Moe and Larry look annoyed]
LARRY: It’s arry-Lay.
MOE: Boy, are you umb-day!
CURLY: Oh, you mean I’m umb-day in pig language?
MOE: You’re umb-day in any language.
CURLY: Oh thank you. Hee hee.
MOE: Now, I’ll explain it so even you can understand it.
[Curly folds his hands and rests his chin on it. Moe slaps him]
CURLY: Ah!
MOE: Now follow me. Larry, arry-Lay. Moe, Omay. Curly---
CURLY: Curlicue!
[Moe starts to become angry]
CURLY: [starts to run away] Hold him. Hold him. Hold him. Hold him. Hold---
[Maggie sees Omay’s name on the lunch room door, so she thinks it’s Omay’s office]
CURLY: Hold him. Hold him.
[As Maggie is about to enter the lunch room, Curly runs out and knocks her on the floor.]
MAGGIE: Omay?
CURLY: Omay?! Oh, you’re wise to it too, eh? Omay’s inside, I’m umb-day.
[Curly takes Maggie’s hand and helps her up from the floor]
CURLY: Come right in, lady. We wasn’t expecting any company.
[Curly and Maggie enter the lunch room]
MAGGIE: [to Moe] Uh, Omay?
MOE: Sure, I’m Omay!
MAGGIE: Oh, I’m so glad to find you in. I mean to ask you about---
[Curly sees a tassel hanging from Maggie’s purse. He starts growling and wooing]
MOE: [to Maggie] Look out, lady!!
CURLY: Ruff! Ruff!
MOE: [to Larry] Grab him.
LARRY: Get the tickler!
[Curly begins chasing Maggie]
MAGGIE: Oh oh!
[Curly continues wooing]
MOE: Easy now! Easy!
[Curly starts whimpering and growling]
CURLY: Ruff!
[Moe grabs a paintbrush and tickles Curly’s chin with it. Curly moans and pants. He calms down]
MOE: [to Maggie] See? He don’t mean any harm, lady. He’s a little tetched in the head about tassels.
MAGGIE: Oh.
MOE: Now what can we do for ya?
[Cut to the hallway. Omay is calling out to the manager in French. The manager runs up to Omay]
OMAY: Ah! Many thanks.
MANAGER: Yes.
OMAY: What’s the meaning of that?
[Omay points to the sign on his door that reads: “Janitor- Keep out”]
MANAGER: I---
OMAY: Don’t explain! I’m giving up my lease right now. [enters his office]
MANAGER: [in an angry manner] Oh, where are those guys? [calls out to the stooges] Larry. Curly. [yells] Moe!!!!
MOE: [to Maggie] Excuse us, lady!
[Moe and Larry leave the lunch room. Curly yanks the tassel out of Maggie’s purse]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! Woo woo woo woo!
[The stooges approach the manager]
MOE: What’s the excitement? What are you yelling about?
MANAGER: What’s the meaning of that? [points to the janitor’s sign on Omay’s door] Don’t explain. [yells] You’re fired!! Now come into my office and get your pay.
LARRY: Aw, give us another chance, will ya?
MANAGER: I’ll give you a chance alright.
[The manager opens the door across Omay’s office. That room happens to be the elevator. The manager enters the room without knowing it and he falls down the elevator shaft.]
MANAGER: Ahh! Ahhhhhhhhh! [we hear a crash sound]
MOE: [to Curly and Larry] I think you better tell Mrs. Smirch we’ll take that job.
CURLY: When did he move his office to the basement?
MOE: A week ag--- [slaps Curly]
CURLY: Oh!
[Curly falls on Larry and Larry and Curly almost falls down the elevator shaft]
LARRY: Ahh!
CURLY: Oh oh oh!
MOE: Easy.
[Moe grabs Larry and Curly quickly before they fall down]
CURLY: Don’t ever do that!
MOE: Must be a shortcut.
[The scene ends]
[A new scene begins in Maggie’s living room. The stooges put up a sign that says: “Men At Work”]
MOE: Alright boys, let’s start on that table. [points to the table]
[The butler enters]
BUTLER: Gentlemen! You’re not gonna paint that table.
CURLY: Why soitenly!
BUTLER: But you can’t do that. It’s a rare antique.
MOE: What, that old thing?
[Thaddeus enters and is smoking a pipe.]
BUTLER: It once belonged to Louis XVI.
LARRY: Oh, secondhand eh?
MOE: Go on now. Take a spin around the pantry.
BUTLER: Oh. [leaves]
[Thaddeus approaches Moe]
THADDEUS: Gosh, I’d sure like to help. You know, I haven’t had a paintbrush in my hand in years.
MOE: Sure, you can help. Go on out there and mix us a batch of spotted paint.
THADDEUS: Oh swell swell!
[Thaddeus walks away, but he stops for a moment and he has a confused look on his face. He thinks for a moment, but then continues walking]
[The stooges begin painting the table.]
[Cut to Thaddeus who is in another room mixing the “spotted paint.”]
[Cut back to the stooges painting the table. As Moe paints the end of the table, he accidentally paints Larry’s rear.]
LARRY: Hey! Hey! Hey! Look what you’re doing. Now why don’t you be careful?
MOE: Alright, I’m sorry. Come on, snap it up. The old lady’s gonna have a card game.
LARRY: Alright.
[When Larry paints the end of the table, he accidentally paints Curly’s head]
CURLY: Hey, wait a minute. What’s the idea?
LARRY: Don’t get excited. Don’t get excited. [taps Curly’s head with the paintbrush]
CURLY: Hmm.
[The stooges resume their painting. Larry has his hand placed on the table. As Moe is painting, he accidentally paints Larry’s hand without realizing it]
LARRY: Hey! Look! Look!
MOE: [still painting Larry’s hand] I ain’t got time to look. I’m busy.
LARRY: [points to his painted hand] My hand! My hand!
MOE: [realizes his mistake] Oh, my error. Go on, get busy.
[Larry paints the end of the table and he accidentally paints Curly’s head again]
CURLY: Hey what’s the idea? What’s the idea? [runs after Larry]
[Larry runs away from Curly and stands next to Moe]
CURLY: What’s the---
[Moe stops Curly]
MOE: Now wait a minute! It’s all a mistake. He didn’t mean anything.
CURLY: Alright, but don’t let it happen again.
MOE: Ok, we’ll bury the hatchet.
CURLY: Oh no! [grabs his head]
MOE: I mean, shake hands and make up.
[Larry extends his hand to make peace without realizing that he’s holding a paintbrush. Curly is hesitant to make peace]
MOE: [to Curly] Go on. Be a sport.
CURLY: Well, alright.
[Curly decides to make peace. When he tries to shake hands with Larry, he accidentally grabs the paintbrush Larry is holding]
CURLY: [shows Moe his hand full of paint] See! He starts all over again.
MOE: Wait a minute. Take it easy now---
[The butler walks in with a tray full of sandwiches and coffee]
MOE: Oh boy! Lunch.
[The stooges grab their lunch]
MOE: [hands Larry his sandwich and coffee] There we are.
LARRY: Thanks.
MOE: [to the butler] You can go.
[The butler leaves with the empty tray]
MOE: [to Curly and Larry] We’ll eat our lunch while we work. Come on.
[The stooges resume their painting while they eat their lunch. Larry accidentally dips his paintbrush in Moe’s coffee thinking it’s paint]
MOE: Hey, why don’t you watch what you’re doing?
LARRY: Oh I’m sorry. But I don’t drink coffee so you can have mine. [gives Moe his coffee]
[Curly is sitting underneath the table painting the table leg. He reaches up for his sandwich and takes a bite out of it. He reaches up and puts his sandwich back onto the table. Larry grabs Curly’s sandwich without looking thinking it’s a paintbrush. He dips it in the paint and starts painting the table with the sandwich. Curly reaches up and grabs the paintbrush on the table thinking it’s his sandwich. He takes a bite out of it. His mouth is full of paint. He starts to taste something funny, but he takes another bite out of the paintbrush again.]
[Larry suddenly realizes that he’s painting the table with Curly’s sandwich. Curly takes a bite out of the paintbrush and he suddenly realizes it’s not a sandwich.]
CURLY: Mm.
[Curly gets up in anger and chases after Larry]
CURLY: Oh a practical joker, eh?
LARRY: I’m sorry.
CURLY: I’ll fix you for this time.
MOE: [stops Curly] Wait a minute. Go on. Get back to work.
CURLY: You always stick up for him.
MOE: Go on, numbskull! You guys’d watch what you’re doing, you wouldn’t make so many mistakes.
[The stooges resume their painting. Moe grabs the cup of paint next to him thinking it’s coffee. He drinks it. His mouth is full of paint. He tastes something funny, but he drinks from the cup again. He looks at the cup, realizes it’s paint and does a double take. He spits the paint out and it lands on Larry’s face. Larry stands there annoyed with his face full of paint.]
[Cut to outside. A car pulls up in front of Maggie’s house. Maggie and her three friends get out of the car]
MAGGIE: Well here we are. And, oh! By the way. You’re gonna have a chance to meet Omay, the decorator. He’s going to call this afternoon.
LUELLA: Really?
MAGGIE: Mm. Hmm.
[Cut to a room where we see Curly painting a chair]
CURLY: [singing] Na nee. Na nee. Na nee.
[Maggie and her three friends enter the house]
[Cut to Moe and Larry who are painting the stairs]
LARRY: My part’s done. [points to the staircase below him]
MOE: [annoyed] How are you gonna get down without spoiling the paint?
LARRY: I got it! You carry me down.
MOE: Am I dumb!
[Moe drops his paintbrush]
MOE: Hop up here.
LARRY: Upsy-daisy!
MOE: Yes sir!
[Larry hops into Moe’s arms and Moe walks down the stairs carrying Larry.]
MOE: You’re getting to be a mental giant.
LARRY: Thanks.
[Moe and Larry turn around and see footprints on the staircase. Moe slaps Larry]
LARRY: Something went wrong. Can I help it?
MAGGIE: [to Luella] Oh there’s Omay.
LUELLA: Omay?
MAGGIE: Yes. Come and meet him.
[Maggie and her three friends approach Moe and Larry]
MOE: Hi ya, Mrs. Smirch.
MAGGIE: Omay, I want you to meet Mrs. Pindle. She is the one that said that your work is very recherché.
MOE: Oh, anybody’s liable to make a mistake.
LARRY: Yeah---
MOE: [to Larry] Shut up!
[Moe gives Maggie the paint bucket]
MOE: Hold that!
[Moe wipes his hands on his shirt and shakes Luella’s hand]
MOE: Hi ya, Mrs. Pindle. Meet my partner.
LARRY: Hello--- [extends his hand, but Moe slaps it]
MOE: Get out!
[Curly finishes painting the chairs]
CURLY: [singing] Na nee. Na nee. Na nee. Na nee.
[Curly enters the room where Moe, Larry, Maggie and her friends are in]
CURLY: Well that’s that. I---
[Curly sees a tassel hanging from Maggie’s hat]
MOE: Beat it with that tassel lady.
[Curly starts wooing and barking. Maggie starts running away from Curly]
LUELLA: Oh he’s mad!
MAGGIE: Ohh!
[Maggie runs into the room where Curly was just painting the chairs]
MAGGIE: [running away from Curly] Oh save me. Oh! Get him! Get him!
MOE: Get rid of that tassel! Get rid of it!
[Moe and Larry run after Curly]
MOE: [to Larry] Grab him!
[Moe and Larry grabs Curly. Curly barks]
LARRY: Tickle his chin.
[Moe pulls out some of Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Ow!
[Moe tickles Curly’s chin with Larry’s hair. Curly starts panting and sighing]
CURLY: [calms down] Thank you.
MOE: There, go on. Get some work done. [gives Larry his hair] Here.
LARRY: Hey, what about my hair?
MOE: I gave it back to you, didn’t I? [slaps Larry] Come on.
[Cut to Thaddeus who is still mixing the “spotted paint.” He is pouring paint into a strainer.]
[The stooges enter a room where we see Maggie and her friends playing cards. The stooges drop all of their stuff on the floor. The women get startled]
MAGGIE: Oh!
MOE: We’ve got everything finished except this room. But you kids can go on with the game. You won’t interfere with us. [to Curly and Larry] Get back there and get busy. Get that ladder up there.
[Moe takes a card out of Maggie’s hand and places it on the table spoiling the game]
[Curly walks up to the cuckoo clock and he sees two corns hanging from it]
CURLY: Hmm.
[Curly takes one of the corns and puts salt on it.]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk! [takes a bites into the corn and hurts his teeth] Oh oh!
MOE: What are you tryin’ to do?
CURLY: I thought it was golden bantam.
MOE: Get up there and paint that cuckoo. He’ll be out any minute.
CURLY: Hmm. [turns around and sticks his head into Moe’s face]
MOE: [hits Curly in the head] Get up there.
[The cuckoo pops out of the clock twice. As the cuckoo pops out, Curly paints it. The cuckoo stops popping out, so Curly puts his paintbrush to the side, sits down on the chair and reads a book]
MOE: Hey Rembrandt, what’s the idea?
CURLY: I was painting the cuckoo but it won’t be out for another hour.
[Moe turns the clock forward another hour. The cuckoo pops out.]
CURLY: Nyah! [hears the cuckoo and quickly runs up to the clock to paint it]
LUELLA: [to Maggie] Oh, I do hope I win today, dearie. You know, I just remembered I owe you 360 from last week.
[Larry paints a sign on the wall that reads: “No checks cashed”]
LARRY: Mrs. Smirch, ok?
[Maggie has an embarrassed look on her face when she sees the sign]
[Cut to Thaddeus who is examining his Dalmatian dog with a magnifying glass]
THADDEUS: Oh, let’s see. Spotted paint.
[Cut to the outside of the room the stooges are in]
OMAY: [to the Butler] But I insist upon seeing Mrs. Smirch.
BUTLER: Mrs. Smirch does not wish to be disturbed.
[The butler stands in front of the door]
OMAY: Aha! Then, then she’s in there!
BUTLER: Yes.
OMAY: Aha! [starts mumbling in French]
[Omay pushes the butler aside and opens the door. He walks in and sees the stooges and the women in the room]
OMAY: Oh! So this is what takes place. This is a fraud!
MAGGIE: Who are you? [stands up and her skirt rips because the chair was still wet from Curly’s painting]
MOE: Something’s goin’ on here, boys.
CURLY: Looks like something’s coming off too.
[Moe grabs Curly and is about to strike him, but his elbow accidentally hits Larry in the face]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Shut up!
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk--- [Moe eyepokes Curly] Ah!
OMAY: Aha! I see it all now. You have double crossed me. You sent these cheap painters here in my place. Are they paying you a bigger commission than I?
[The stooges huddle]
MOE: Got the idea? That old dame’s a crook. Let’s give her the razzle-dazzle.
STOOGES: Right! Right! Right! Right!
[The stooges grab their wooden boards and pails of paint]
LARRY: Look out there!
[The stooges leave the room]
[Cut to the outside. The stooges set up three boards and they make them into three seesaws. They place the paint cans on one end of each seesaw]
MOE: Move fast now. They’ll be out any minute.
[Cut to Omay and the women]
OMAY: So you see, madam, I am the original Omay!
LUELLA: Well, I never was so insulted in my whole life. [throws her cards onto the table] Come girls!
[Maggie’s three friends stand up and the chairs are stuck to their rears]
[Cut back to the stooges. They are hiding behind a plant. Curly is sticking his head out to take a peak]
MOE: Get back!! [hits Curly in the stomach]
CURLY: Oh woo woo woo---
LARRY: [covers Curly’s mouth] Shh!
[Luella and her two friends walk out of the house. The chairs are still stuck to their rears]
LUELLA: Well, that’s the last time I’ll ever come to this house.
[The stooges run up to their seesaws]
MOE: Hold it! Ready? [blows a whistle]
[The stooges stomp on the seesaws and the three pails of paint fly up in the air]
CURLY: It’ll be a bull’s eye. Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk---
[The pails fall straight down and they each land on each of the stooges’ heads. The paint spills all over them]
MOE: A bull’s eye, eh?
CURLY: Yeah, but we got the wrong bulls.
--THE END--
MAGGIE: Oh Thaddeus! I have the most marvelous surprise for you.
THADDEUS: For me?
MAGGIE: Mm Hm! We’re going to have the whole house redecorated.
THADDEUS: Oh, but Maggie, we just had the whole house redecorated.
MAGGIE: But that’s not the point. It’s a political move. You see, Omay, the famous Parisian interior decorator, has just opened an office in town. Well, Luella Pindle thinks he’s about the last word. Now, when Luella finds out he’s done our house, she’ll think we’re really people of quality. It may mean we’ll get into “Who’s who.” You might be invited to join a golf club.
[Maggie picks up the phone and starts dialing]
THADDEUS: Maggie, do you realize that before we came into all this money, I was a letter carrier? Golf club! [grabs his foot and scoffs]
[Cut to Omay’s office. He is on the phone with Maggie. While he is talking, we hear a banging sound]
OMAY: [on the phone] Yes, madam, this is Omay. Who? Oh, Mrs. Smirch! Yes, how do you do? How are you? [the banging sound still continues] I’m sorry madam, but some clumsy men are working in the corridor. Could you please speak louder?
[Cut to the hallway outside Omay’s office. Moe is hammering on the wall, while Curly and Larry play checkers on the checkered floor with paint cans]
CURLY: Woo woo woo woo woo woo.
[Curly takes a paint can and moves it diagonally on the checked floor. When he drops the paint can, it falls on Larry’s foot.]
LARRY: Oh!
[Curly grabs two of Larry’s paint cans and puts them to side after he makes his move]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!
[Cut back to Omay’s office]
OMAY: [on the phone] Uh, could you please come to my office? Uh say, at twelve o’ clock?
MAGGIE: [on the phone] Oh thank you! I’ll be there.
OMAY: [on the phone] Thank you so much. [hangs up]
[Cut to the hallway outside Omay’s office. Larry is thinking for a while before he makes his next move in the checker game. Curly sees a spot on the checkered floor for Larry to make a move. Curly quickly opens his jacket and tries to block Larry’s view. Larry peaks over Curly’s jacket and sees the spot. He moves his paint can diagonally and he takes Curly’s paint can.]
LARRY: I’m a king, now crown me.
CURLY: You’re lucky. [takes his hat and covers Larry’s paint can]
[Moe walks up to Larry and Curly]
MOE: You guys don’t get to work, I’ll crown ya. Get it outta here! [kicks Curly’s hat on the floor, which has the paint can under it] Owww!
[Moe starts hopping up and down in pain. Curly and Larry start making a rhythmic clap as Moe is in pain. Moe looks at Curly and Larry in anger and they stop. As Curly bends down to pick up the paint cans, Moe kicks Curly in the rear]
CURLY: Oh! Oh!
[Omay enters]
OMAY: [yells] Quiet! Quiet!
MOE: What’s all the fuss, mademoiselle?
[Omay says a few words in French]
OMAY: How’s it possible to make so much noise painting?
MOE: You don’t know us guys. We make noise stuffin’ a mattress.
[Curly sees a tassel hanging from Omay’s shirt and he starts going crazy]
CURLY: Ah!! Woo woo woo woo woo! Ah! Ruff ruff! Woo woo woo!
[Moe and Larry grab Curly]
LARRY: Moe! Tickle his chin! Tickly his chin! Hurry up! Hurry, get something.
[Moe grabs a paintbrush and tickles Curly’s chin]
MOE: Take it easy kid. Easy!
[As Moe tickles Curly’s chin, he starts stammering]
MOE: Easy, easy, easy! [knocks on Curly’s head]
CURLY: Woo woo! [calms down]
MOE: [to Omay] See, he don’t mean nothing. Those tassels drive him nuts. When he was a baby, somebody tickled him with a pussy willow. This was the only thing that’ll bring him out of it, see?
[Omay starts blabbering in French]
LARRY: [yells at Omay] Fou on you.
CURLY: Ruff!!
[Moe tickles Curly’s chin again]
MOE: Easy kid!
CURLY: [calms down] Thank you!
[The manger comes over and calls Moe]
MANAGER: Hey you!
MOE: Who? Me?
MANAGER: Yeah, you. Come here.
MOE: [to Larry and Curly] It’s the boss. Show a little interest in your work.
[Moe walks up to the manager]
MOE: What’s your trouble, boss?
MANAGER: The tenants are all kicking for signs on their doors. We’ll have to use these stencils temporarily.
[The manager is holding a bunch of stencils on each hand.]
MOE: Ok.
MANAGER: Wait a minute. They’re all in order. Now, put ‘em on just as they are. These go on this side. [The stencils on his right hand go on the wall on his right] These go on that side. [The stencils on his left hand go on the wall on his left]
MOE: It’s a cinch. Hahahaha. [takes the stencils] These go on this side, these go on that side. [points the stencils at the right direction]
MANAGER: That’s right. Make it snappy. [leaves]
MOE: Ok. [to himself] These go on this side, these go on that side.
[Moe points the stencils in the right direction, but he turns around and now the stencils Moe is holding are facing the wrong wall]
MOE: [to himself] These go on this side, these go on that side. These go on this side, these go on that side. Right!
[Moe walks up to Larry and Curly who are sleeping on the floor]
MOE: [yells] Hey!!
[Curly and Larry quickly get up]
MOE: We gotta get goin’. [gives Larry one set of stencils] Here, put these stencils on the door on the left side of the hall. [gives Curly the other set of stencil] You take the right side. [starts walking away]
CURLY: Where are you going?
MOE: I’m gonna get my brush. I’m the period man! [walks away]
LARRY: Which is the left side?
CURLY: That’s the left. [points to the left]
LARRY: Which is right?
CURLY: The one that’s left. [points to the right]
LARRY: That’s right!
CURLY: No that’s left. Th- That’s--- Ruff!!
[Cut to the outside of the building where we see a chauffeur open a car door. Maggie gets out of the car]
[Cut back to inside the building. The stooges paint a sign on a door that reads: “Building superintendent.”]
MOE: Well, boys, there’s a pretty good morning’s work. How ‘bout some lunch?
LARRY: That’s a good idea. Where’ll we go?
MOE: Let’s try the Ritz!
LARRY: Oh, I’m getting tired of the Ritz. How about the Waldorf?
CURLY: I’m tired of both those places. Let’s go to Biltmore.
LARRY: Have you got a quarter on you?
MOE: I had three cents when I come in this morning. Somebody borrowed it from me.
[The stooges walk into the lunch room, but the door is labeled, “Omay. Interior Decorator. Objects D’art.” This is due to Moe’s mix-up with the stencils]
[A man walks out of “Building Superintendent” door. This room happens to be an elevator]
[Cut to the lunch room. The stooges are eating lunch on the table]
MOE: [to Larry] Imme-gay the alt-say!
LARRY: Eep-kay your irt-shay on.
CURLY: Hey! What are you guys doing? Talking behind my back?
MOE: Nobody’s talking behind your back. That’s pig Latin.
LARRY: Sure, anybody can understand it. It’s very simple.
CURLY: Well I can’t and I’m simple.
MOE & LARRY: Now listen---
LARRY: Uh, you tell him.
MOE: [to Curly] My name is Moe.
CURLY: How are you?
MOE: Fine, thanks. I--- [does a double take]
MOE: My name is Moe. In pig Latin, that’s Omay.
LARRY: My name is Larry. Now what’s that in Pig Latin?
CURLY: [confused] Omay.
[Moe and Larry look annoyed]
LARRY: It’s arry-Lay.
MOE: Boy, are you umb-day!
CURLY: Oh, you mean I’m umb-day in pig language?
MOE: You’re umb-day in any language.
CURLY: Oh thank you. Hee hee.
MOE: Now, I’ll explain it so even you can understand it.
[Curly folds his hands and rests his chin on it. Moe slaps him]
CURLY: Ah!
MOE: Now follow me. Larry, arry-Lay. Moe, Omay. Curly---
CURLY: Curlicue!
[Moe starts to become angry]
CURLY: [starts to run away] Hold him. Hold him. Hold him. Hold him. Hold---
[Maggie sees Omay’s name on the lunch room door, so she thinks it’s Omay’s office]
CURLY: Hold him. Hold him.
[As Maggie is about to enter the lunch room, Curly runs out and knocks her on the floor.]
MAGGIE: Omay?
CURLY: Omay?! Oh, you’re wise to it too, eh? Omay’s inside, I’m umb-day.
[Curly takes Maggie’s hand and helps her up from the floor]
CURLY: Come right in, lady. We wasn’t expecting any company.
[Curly and Maggie enter the lunch room]
MAGGIE: [to Moe] Uh, Omay?
MOE: Sure, I’m Omay!
MAGGIE: Oh, I’m so glad to find you in. I mean to ask you about---
[Curly sees a tassel hanging from Maggie’s purse. He starts growling and wooing]
MOE: [to Maggie] Look out, lady!!
CURLY: Ruff! Ruff!
MOE: [to Larry] Grab him.
LARRY: Get the tickler!
[Curly begins chasing Maggie]
MAGGIE: Oh oh!
[Curly continues wooing]
MOE: Easy now! Easy!
[Curly starts whimpering and growling]
CURLY: Ruff!
[Moe grabs a paintbrush and tickles Curly’s chin with it. Curly moans and pants. He calms down]
MOE: [to Maggie] See? He don’t mean any harm, lady. He’s a little tetched in the head about tassels.
MAGGIE: Oh.
MOE: Now what can we do for ya?
[Cut to the hallway. Omay is calling out to the manager in French. The manager runs up to Omay]
OMAY: Ah! Many thanks.
MANAGER: Yes.
OMAY: What’s the meaning of that?
[Omay points to the sign on his door that reads: “Janitor- Keep out”]
MANAGER: I---
OMAY: Don’t explain! I’m giving up my lease right now. [enters his office]
MANAGER: [in an angry manner] Oh, where are those guys? [calls out to the stooges] Larry. Curly. [yells] Moe!!!!
MOE: [to Maggie] Excuse us, lady!
[Moe and Larry leave the lunch room. Curly yanks the tassel out of Maggie’s purse]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk! Woo woo woo woo!
[The stooges approach the manager]
MOE: What’s the excitement? What are you yelling about?
MANAGER: What’s the meaning of that? [points to the janitor’s sign on Omay’s door] Don’t explain. [yells] You’re fired!! Now come into my office and get your pay.
LARRY: Aw, give us another chance, will ya?
MANAGER: I’ll give you a chance alright.
[The manager opens the door across Omay’s office. That room happens to be the elevator. The manager enters the room without knowing it and he falls down the elevator shaft.]
MANAGER: Ahh! Ahhhhhhhhh! [we hear a crash sound]
MOE: [to Curly and Larry] I think you better tell Mrs. Smirch we’ll take that job.
CURLY: When did he move his office to the basement?
MOE: A week ag--- [slaps Curly]
CURLY: Oh!
[Curly falls on Larry and Larry and Curly almost falls down the elevator shaft]
LARRY: Ahh!
CURLY: Oh oh oh!
MOE: Easy.
[Moe grabs Larry and Curly quickly before they fall down]
CURLY: Don’t ever do that!
MOE: Must be a shortcut.
[The scene ends]
[A new scene begins in Maggie’s living room. The stooges put up a sign that says: “Men At Work”]
MOE: Alright boys, let’s start on that table. [points to the table]
[The butler enters]
BUTLER: Gentlemen! You’re not gonna paint that table.
CURLY: Why soitenly!
BUTLER: But you can’t do that. It’s a rare antique.
MOE: What, that old thing?
[Thaddeus enters and is smoking a pipe.]
BUTLER: It once belonged to Louis XVI.
LARRY: Oh, secondhand eh?
MOE: Go on now. Take a spin around the pantry.
BUTLER: Oh. [leaves]
[Thaddeus approaches Moe]
THADDEUS: Gosh, I’d sure like to help. You know, I haven’t had a paintbrush in my hand in years.
MOE: Sure, you can help. Go on out there and mix us a batch of spotted paint.
THADDEUS: Oh swell swell!
[Thaddeus walks away, but he stops for a moment and he has a confused look on his face. He thinks for a moment, but then continues walking]
[The stooges begin painting the table.]
[Cut to Thaddeus who is in another room mixing the “spotted paint.”]
[Cut back to the stooges painting the table. As Moe paints the end of the table, he accidentally paints Larry’s rear.]
LARRY: Hey! Hey! Hey! Look what you’re doing. Now why don’t you be careful?
MOE: Alright, I’m sorry. Come on, snap it up. The old lady’s gonna have a card game.
LARRY: Alright.
[When Larry paints the end of the table, he accidentally paints Curly’s head]
CURLY: Hey, wait a minute. What’s the idea?
LARRY: Don’t get excited. Don’t get excited. [taps Curly’s head with the paintbrush]
CURLY: Hmm.
[The stooges resume their painting. Larry has his hand placed on the table. As Moe is painting, he accidentally paints Larry’s hand without realizing it]
LARRY: Hey! Look! Look!
MOE: [still painting Larry’s hand] I ain’t got time to look. I’m busy.
LARRY: [points to his painted hand] My hand! My hand!
MOE: [realizes his mistake] Oh, my error. Go on, get busy.
[Larry paints the end of the table and he accidentally paints Curly’s head again]
CURLY: Hey what’s the idea? What’s the idea? [runs after Larry]
[Larry runs away from Curly and stands next to Moe]
CURLY: What’s the---
[Moe stops Curly]
MOE: Now wait a minute! It’s all a mistake. He didn’t mean anything.
CURLY: Alright, but don’t let it happen again.
MOE: Ok, we’ll bury the hatchet.
CURLY: Oh no! [grabs his head]
MOE: I mean, shake hands and make up.
[Larry extends his hand to make peace without realizing that he’s holding a paintbrush. Curly is hesitant to make peace]
MOE: [to Curly] Go on. Be a sport.
CURLY: Well, alright.
[Curly decides to make peace. When he tries to shake hands with Larry, he accidentally grabs the paintbrush Larry is holding]
CURLY: [shows Moe his hand full of paint] See! He starts all over again.
MOE: Wait a minute. Take it easy now---
[The butler walks in with a tray full of sandwiches and coffee]
MOE: Oh boy! Lunch.
[The stooges grab their lunch]
MOE: [hands Larry his sandwich and coffee] There we are.
LARRY: Thanks.
MOE: [to the butler] You can go.
[The butler leaves with the empty tray]
MOE: [to Curly and Larry] We’ll eat our lunch while we work. Come on.
[The stooges resume their painting while they eat their lunch. Larry accidentally dips his paintbrush in Moe’s coffee thinking it’s paint]
MOE: Hey, why don’t you watch what you’re doing?
LARRY: Oh I’m sorry. But I don’t drink coffee so you can have mine. [gives Moe his coffee]
[Curly is sitting underneath the table painting the table leg. He reaches up for his sandwich and takes a bite out of it. He reaches up and puts his sandwich back onto the table. Larry grabs Curly’s sandwich without looking thinking it’s a paintbrush. He dips it in the paint and starts painting the table with the sandwich. Curly reaches up and grabs the paintbrush on the table thinking it’s his sandwich. He takes a bite out of it. His mouth is full of paint. He starts to taste something funny, but he takes another bite out of the paintbrush again.]
[Larry suddenly realizes that he’s painting the table with Curly’s sandwich. Curly takes a bite out of the paintbrush and he suddenly realizes it’s not a sandwich.]
CURLY: Mm.
[Curly gets up in anger and chases after Larry]
CURLY: Oh a practical joker, eh?
LARRY: I’m sorry.
CURLY: I’ll fix you for this time.
MOE: [stops Curly] Wait a minute. Go on. Get back to work.
CURLY: You always stick up for him.
MOE: Go on, numbskull! You guys’d watch what you’re doing, you wouldn’t make so many mistakes.
[The stooges resume their painting. Moe grabs the cup of paint next to him thinking it’s coffee. He drinks it. His mouth is full of paint. He tastes something funny, but he drinks from the cup again. He looks at the cup, realizes it’s paint and does a double take. He spits the paint out and it lands on Larry’s face. Larry stands there annoyed with his face full of paint.]
[Cut to outside. A car pulls up in front of Maggie’s house. Maggie and her three friends get out of the car]
MAGGIE: Well here we are. And, oh! By the way. You’re gonna have a chance to meet Omay, the decorator. He’s going to call this afternoon.
LUELLA: Really?
MAGGIE: Mm. Hmm.
[Cut to a room where we see Curly painting a chair]
CURLY: [singing] Na nee. Na nee. Na nee.
[Maggie and her three friends enter the house]
[Cut to Moe and Larry who are painting the stairs]
LARRY: My part’s done. [points to the staircase below him]
MOE: [annoyed] How are you gonna get down without spoiling the paint?
LARRY: I got it! You carry me down.
MOE: Am I dumb!
[Moe drops his paintbrush]
MOE: Hop up here.
LARRY: Upsy-daisy!
MOE: Yes sir!
[Larry hops into Moe’s arms and Moe walks down the stairs carrying Larry.]
MOE: You’re getting to be a mental giant.
LARRY: Thanks.
[Moe and Larry turn around and see footprints on the staircase. Moe slaps Larry]
LARRY: Something went wrong. Can I help it?
MAGGIE: [to Luella] Oh there’s Omay.
LUELLA: Omay?
MAGGIE: Yes. Come and meet him.
[Maggie and her three friends approach Moe and Larry]
MOE: Hi ya, Mrs. Smirch.
MAGGIE: Omay, I want you to meet Mrs. Pindle. She is the one that said that your work is very recherché.
MOE: Oh, anybody’s liable to make a mistake.
LARRY: Yeah---
MOE: [to Larry] Shut up!
[Moe gives Maggie the paint bucket]
MOE: Hold that!
[Moe wipes his hands on his shirt and shakes Luella’s hand]
MOE: Hi ya, Mrs. Pindle. Meet my partner.
LARRY: Hello--- [extends his hand, but Moe slaps it]
MOE: Get out!
[Curly finishes painting the chairs]
CURLY: [singing] Na nee. Na nee. Na nee. Na nee.
[Curly enters the room where Moe, Larry, Maggie and her friends are in]
CURLY: Well that’s that. I---
[Curly sees a tassel hanging from Maggie’s hat]
MOE: Beat it with that tassel lady.
[Curly starts wooing and barking. Maggie starts running away from Curly]
LUELLA: Oh he’s mad!
MAGGIE: Ohh!
[Maggie runs into the room where Curly was just painting the chairs]
MAGGIE: [running away from Curly] Oh save me. Oh! Get him! Get him!
MOE: Get rid of that tassel! Get rid of it!
[Moe and Larry run after Curly]
MOE: [to Larry] Grab him!
[Moe and Larry grabs Curly. Curly barks]
LARRY: Tickle his chin.
[Moe pulls out some of Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Ow!
[Moe tickles Curly’s chin with Larry’s hair. Curly starts panting and sighing]
CURLY: [calms down] Thank you.
MOE: There, go on. Get some work done. [gives Larry his hair] Here.
LARRY: Hey, what about my hair?
MOE: I gave it back to you, didn’t I? [slaps Larry] Come on.
[Cut to Thaddeus who is still mixing the “spotted paint.” He is pouring paint into a strainer.]
[The stooges enter a room where we see Maggie and her friends playing cards. The stooges drop all of their stuff on the floor. The women get startled]
MAGGIE: Oh!
MOE: We’ve got everything finished except this room. But you kids can go on with the game. You won’t interfere with us. [to Curly and Larry] Get back there and get busy. Get that ladder up there.
[Moe takes a card out of Maggie’s hand and places it on the table spoiling the game]
[Curly walks up to the cuckoo clock and he sees two corns hanging from it]
CURLY: Hmm.
[Curly takes one of the corns and puts salt on it.]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk! [takes a bites into the corn and hurts his teeth] Oh oh!
MOE: What are you tryin’ to do?
CURLY: I thought it was golden bantam.
MOE: Get up there and paint that cuckoo. He’ll be out any minute.
CURLY: Hmm. [turns around and sticks his head into Moe’s face]
MOE: [hits Curly in the head] Get up there.
[The cuckoo pops out of the clock twice. As the cuckoo pops out, Curly paints it. The cuckoo stops popping out, so Curly puts his paintbrush to the side, sits down on the chair and reads a book]
MOE: Hey Rembrandt, what’s the idea?
CURLY: I was painting the cuckoo but it won’t be out for another hour.
[Moe turns the clock forward another hour. The cuckoo pops out.]
CURLY: Nyah! [hears the cuckoo and quickly runs up to the clock to paint it]
LUELLA: [to Maggie] Oh, I do hope I win today, dearie. You know, I just remembered I owe you 360 from last week.
[Larry paints a sign on the wall that reads: “No checks cashed”]
LARRY: Mrs. Smirch, ok?
[Maggie has an embarrassed look on her face when she sees the sign]
[Cut to Thaddeus who is examining his Dalmatian dog with a magnifying glass]
THADDEUS: Oh, let’s see. Spotted paint.
[Cut to the outside of the room the stooges are in]
OMAY: [to the Butler] But I insist upon seeing Mrs. Smirch.
BUTLER: Mrs. Smirch does not wish to be disturbed.
[The butler stands in front of the door]
OMAY: Aha! Then, then she’s in there!
BUTLER: Yes.
OMAY: Aha! [starts mumbling in French]
[Omay pushes the butler aside and opens the door. He walks in and sees the stooges and the women in the room]
OMAY: Oh! So this is what takes place. This is a fraud!
MAGGIE: Who are you? [stands up and her skirt rips because the chair was still wet from Curly’s painting]
MOE: Something’s goin’ on here, boys.
CURLY: Looks like something’s coming off too.
[Moe grabs Curly and is about to strike him, but his elbow accidentally hits Larry in the face]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Shut up!
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk--- [Moe eyepokes Curly] Ah!
OMAY: Aha! I see it all now. You have double crossed me. You sent these cheap painters here in my place. Are they paying you a bigger commission than I?
[The stooges huddle]
MOE: Got the idea? That old dame’s a crook. Let’s give her the razzle-dazzle.
STOOGES: Right! Right! Right! Right!
[The stooges grab their wooden boards and pails of paint]
LARRY: Look out there!
[The stooges leave the room]
[Cut to the outside. The stooges set up three boards and they make them into three seesaws. They place the paint cans on one end of each seesaw]
MOE: Move fast now. They’ll be out any minute.
[Cut to Omay and the women]
OMAY: So you see, madam, I am the original Omay!
LUELLA: Well, I never was so insulted in my whole life. [throws her cards onto the table] Come girls!
[Maggie’s three friends stand up and the chairs are stuck to their rears]
[Cut back to the stooges. They are hiding behind a plant. Curly is sticking his head out to take a peak]
MOE: Get back!! [hits Curly in the stomach]
CURLY: Oh woo woo woo---
LARRY: [covers Curly’s mouth] Shh!
[Luella and her two friends walk out of the house. The chairs are still stuck to their rears]
LUELLA: Well, that’s the last time I’ll ever come to this house.
[The stooges run up to their seesaws]
MOE: Hold it! Ready? [blows a whistle]
[The stooges stomp on the seesaws and the three pails of paint fly up in the air]
CURLY: It’ll be a bull’s eye. Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk---
[The pails fall straight down and they each land on each of the stooges’ heads. The paint spills all over them]
MOE: A bull’s eye, eh?
CURLY: Yeah, but we got the wrong bulls.
--THE END--
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