Schtick Figures (The Cool, the Comical, the Crazy)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2009-02-21
[ The short opens with a close-up of a smiling picture of Sam McGann on a desk in his office. The camera pulls back and reveals McGann sitting at his desk, yelling angrily on the phone as we hear loud noises coming from the next room. ]
SAM MCGANN: I wanna speak to Mr. Jordan! [ pause ] Hello, Jordan?! This is McGann speaking! [ pause ] Smiling Sam McGann, you robber!! What’s the matter with your ears?!! Listen, you half-wit! What kind of electricians you send me?! My lights have been out for the last two hours, and they’re still out!
[ McGann pulls the light chord down on the lamp on his desk and it breaks off ]
SAM MCGANN: Oh!
[ McGann tries to throw the chord on the floor, but his hand accidentally slams through an open drawer below him ]
SAM MCGANN: Listen, Jordan! The manpower shorting is supposed to be over!!
[ Suddenly, pipes drop loudly on the floor in the next room and scares McGann ]
SAM MCGANN: Never mind… Never mind!! I’ll call you back!
[ McGann hangs up the phone, then stands up from his chair and angrily walks over to the next room ]
[ Electricians Moe, Larry, and Curly are in the next room. Curly is laying on the floor, with his head in between a ladder, and several pipes scattered around him. Moe and Larry begin picking up the pipes. ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] You pebble-brain! Why aren’t you more careful when you climb up a ladder?!
CURLY: I only climbed up seven steps!!
MOE: The ladder had six! [ slaps Curly’s hat off ]
CURLY: OH!
SAM MCGANN: What’s going on here?!!
[ Moe and Larry get startled by McGann and drop the pipes in their hand over Curly’s head ]
CURLY: OHHO! OHHO!
SAM MCGANN: Listen, you nitwits! The lights are still out in my office! I want juice and I want it right away!
CURLY: [ holds up wire ] Here ya are!
[ McGann grabs the wire and receives a strong electric shock ]
SAM MCGANN: OWW!! OHH!! OOOH-HOO-HOO-HOO-HOO!! OH!! OOOH!! OHHO!! OWWOH!! OHHHO!! Ooh-hoo! [ drops wire ] Pick up that stuff and get to work or I’ll strangle ya!!
[ Moe and Larry pick up two pipes and hold them over their shoulders, accidentally hitting McGann on the head with them. McGann holds his head and staggers around. Moe and Larry both drop their pipes on the floor and hold McGann. ]
MOE: We’ll fix everything up! Take it easy, McGann, we’ll take care of everything! Everything!
[ Moe leads McGann back into his office and Moe closes the door. A second later, he opens it back up. ]
MOE: Keep smilin’, McGann!
[ Moe closes the door again and walks over to Curly and Larry ]
MOE: We’d better get busy before he finds out we were breaker-uppers of the Peanut Brittle Foundry! [ to Larry ] Hey, porcupine, trace that wire. [ points to wire on floor ]
[ Larry gets on the floor and begins following the wire ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Grape-head, gimme a hand.
CURLY: Which one??
MOE: Never mind! [ yanks Curly away by ear ]
CURLY: OWWOWWOWWOWW!! OWWOWWOWWOWW!!
[ Moe and Curly walk up to the electricity switch box. Curly reaches his hands towards the box, but Moe pulls him away. ]
MOE: Get outta there! You wanna get a shock?! That’s intricate stuff. Stand aside.
[ Moe touches the wires inside the box and receives an electric shock ]
MOE: YEHHH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH-DUH!
CURLY: Ha ha! That’s pretty intricate! Ha ha! Ha!
[ Moe takes a pair of pliers and squeezes Curly’s nose with it ]
CURLY: OHHHOOHHHHHOOOOOOOAAAAAAAOOWWWW!! Hnnnnnnngh!
[ Moe flicks Curly’s nose, then looks at the pliers he has ]
MOE: Hey. Why didn’t I use these in the first place? Ho ho ha ha ha ha!
[ Moe uses the pliers to pull a wire in the electricity box and ends up getting electrocuted again. Curly puts his arms around Moe to help and ends up getting electrocuted himself. After a few seconds, Moe lets go of the wires and the electrocuting stops. ]
[ Meanwhile, Larry is crawling through several boxes on the floor while continuing to “trace” the wire. Moe looks over and notices. ]
MOE: I always knew he was a groundhog.
[ Curly puts the end of one wire in his mouth ]
MOE: Hey, look out! You’ll get a shock!
CURLY: Shock? No shock!
MOE: Ha ha…
[ Moe pats Curly’s head and grabs a wire ]
MOE: Whaddaya know! No shock!
[ Moe and Curly shake hands with the wires still in their hands and they both end up getting electrocuted ]
[ Meanwhile, Larry is pulling on a wire that leads to McGann’s office in the next room ]
SAM MCGANN: [ on phone ] Jordan!
[ Suddenly, the lamp on McGann’s desk falls off and smashes on the floor due to Larry pulling the wire. McGann watches in surprise. Larry tries to continue pulling the wire, but it’s stuck. ]
LARRY: [ to Moe and Curly ] Hey, fellas! This wire’s stuck. Gimme a hand!
[ Moe and Curly walk over to Larry ]
MOE: What’s the matter, kid?
LARRY: I need more muscle.
CURLY: [ flexes arm muscle ] How’s that?
MOE: [ feels Curly’s stomach ] Not bad. Go ahead.
[ The Stooges all grab on the wire ]
MOE: Heave… HO!!
[ The Stooges all pull the wire ]
SAM MCGANN: [ on phone ] Listen, Jordan--
[ Suddenly, the phone on McGann’s desk falls into his lap due to the Stooges pulling the wire ]
SAM MCGANN: The line is busy!!
[ McGann yanks his end of the phone wire, causing the Stooges on the other side to slam into the wall ]
CURLY: Oh, a live wire!
MOE: Why, you--
[ The Stooges all pull the wire again, causing McGann to fall backwards out of his chair and onto the floor ]
MOE: Once more, boys.
ALL STOOGES: HEAVE!!
[ The phone in McGann’s office gets pulled through the wall and bonks Moe’s head ]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk--
[ The phone receiver bonks into Curly’s head ]
CURLY: Oh! RUFF!
MR. JORDAN: [ over phone ] Hello?! Hello?! Who is this?!! Answer me!
[ Curly picks up the phone ]
CURLY: Hello?
MR. JORDAN [ over phone ] Hello?! Hello?! Who is this?!!
[ Curly hands the phone over to Moe ]
MOE: Hello, Mr. Howard talking. [ pause ] Oh, it’s you, Mr. Jordan! Well, e--
MR. JORDAN: [ over phone ] Listen, you dimwits! You told me you were electricians! Don’t come back here! Don’t ever come back here, you’re fired!
[ Jordan’s voice speeds up very fast and Moe quickly drops the phone receiver on the floor. Smoke and flames come from the receiver and the phone wire shorts out. ]
[ The Stooges stand up from the floor ]
MOE: Well, partners - looks like we resigned.
CURLY: Hey, you know what we oughta do? Go somewhere for a nice, long rest.
LARRY: Yeah, we need a rest!
CURLY: Yeah!
[ Moe picks up a pamphlet and reads it ]
MOE: Hey, here’s just the place. [ reads ] “Rest your cares away. Mallard’s Rest Home & Clinic. High altitude, low prices. No matter what you got, you’ll lose it at Mallard’s.” Sounds good.
LARRY: Yeah… but what are we gonna use for money?
MOE: Well, we’ll just-- I never thought of that.
CURLY: Hey, I got somethin’ put away for a rainy day! [ walks away ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Leave it to him!
[ Curly returns with an umbrella ]
MOE: Oh, a wiseguy! [ slaps Curly’s head ] Get ouuut!
LARRY: [ slaps Curly’s head ] You!
CURLY: Hmm!!
[ Curly pulls out money from inside the umbrella and holds the money up ]
MOE: Oh, moolah! [ takes money ] Coin of the realm! [ to Curly ] Well, kid, we accept your apology!
CURLY: [ angrily ] Hmm!!
LARRY: And what’s more, you can go with us.
CURLY: Oh, thanks!
[ Moe and Larry walk over to the wall and lean their ears against it to listen out for McGann. On the other side of the wall, McGann is leaning his ear against it as well. ]
MOE: Not a sound.
LARRY: I guess he’s gone!
[ McGann punches his fists through the wall, punching Moe and Larry in the face ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with an outside shot of Mallard’s Rest Home & Clinic ]
[ The camera dissolves inside where we see Dr. Mallard standing in front of a patient in a wheelchair who's leg is in a cast. Dr. Mallard’s two assistants are standing with him and a nurse is behind the patient. ]
DR. MALLARD: Take the patient out, nurse. [ opens door ] Now don’t worry, Mr. Grimble. We’ll have you fixed up and out of here in no time.
[ As the nurse moves Mr. Grimble in his wheelchair towards the door, she accidentally bumps him into the wall ]
MR. GRIMBLE: OH!
DR. MALLARD: Ah, nurse, be careful. The patient has a very bad foot.
[ The nurse again bumps Mr. Grimble into the door while leaving ]
MR. GRIMBLE: Oh…
DR. MALLARD: Be careful, please!
[ Dr. Mallard closes the door, pick up a clipboard, and walks over to his two assistants ]
DR. MALLARD: Yeah, he’ll get out of here when we get the rest of the dough and not before.
ASSISTANT #1: Say, doc, is there anything really wrong with his foot?
DR. MALLARD: No, it’s mostly in his mind, but if our patients like to stay sick and pay us for the privilege… it’s their business.
ASSISTANT #2: What a racket! Doc, you’re a chiseler after my own arm.
DR. MALLARD: Thank you. Thank you, boys.
[ The nurse comes back in the room with her hair all frazzled ]
NURSE SHAPELY: I beg your pardon… but three new… patients are here.
DR. MALLARD: Fine, fine… send them in, Ms. Shapely.
[ The nurse gets a nervous expression on her face, then exits the room ]
DR. MALLARD: [ to assistants ] You boys wait in there while I give ‘em the once-over. We’ll run ‘em ragged and take ‘em for every nickel they’ve got.
[ The two assistants leave ]
[ The nurse opens the door and lets the Stooges enter the room. After they walk inside, the nurse slaps Curly on the face. Curly takes his hat and rattles it on the top of head while pointing his fingers at the nurse as if he’s shooting a machine gun. The nurse leaves and as she closes the door, Larry tries to follow her but she closes the door on his nose. ]
LARRY: OHHHH!!
MOE: [ grabs Larry and Curly ] Come on, you!
DR. MALLARD: Won’t you come in?
[ The Stooges walk over to Dr. Mallard ]
DR. MALLARD: Of course, you know our treatments are expensive.
CURLY: Pooh-pooh! Who cares about expenses?!
[ Curly tries to snap his fingers at Dr. Mallard, but his fingers don’t make a snapping sound. After Curly struggles for a few seconds, Moe instead snaps his fingers at Dr. Mallard successfully. Curly smiles and points at Moe. ]
DR. MALLARD: Splendid, splendid! And now, the first thing to discuss is your diet. We’ll begin by cutting out starches, sugars, proteins, and carbohydrates.
CURLY: What do we eat???
DR. MALLARD: Vitamins and calories.
CURLY: Oh, boy, with cream gravy!
DR. MALLARD: As I was saying… I’m going to prescribe your daily schedule. You’ll arise at 5 AM.
[ Moe and Larry look at each other in surprise ]
DR. MALLARD: Horseback riding until 6…
[ The Stooges pretend they’re horseback riding ]
DR. MALLARD: Chopping wood until 7…
[ The Stooges pretend they’re chopping wood ]
DR. MALLARD: Roadwork until 8…
[ The Stooges pretend they’re running ]
DR. MALLARD: And then… breakfast.
ALL STOOGES: Ah!
[ The Stooges rub their hands together ]
DR. MALLARD: A nice big bowl of milk.
[ The Stooges do a double take ]
DR. MALLARD: After breakfast… more roadwork…
[ The Stooges pretend they’re running ]
DR. MALLARD: More woodchopping…
[ The Stooges pretend they’re chopping wood ]
DR. MALLARD: A good, stiff workout in the gym…
[ The Stooges pretend they’re punching at punching bags ]
DR. MALLARD: And then… lunch.
ALL STOOGES: Ah!
DR. MALLARD: A nice big bowl of… milk.
MOE: Nyaaah!
DR. MALLARD: In the afternoon… more roadwork…
[ The Stooges pretend they’re running ]
DR. MALLARD: More woodchopping…
[ The Stooges pretend they’re chopping wood ]
DR. MALLARD: More gym…
[ The Stooges pretend they’re punching at punching bags ]
DR. MALLARD: You punch the bag for an hour, and then… dinner.
CURLY: I know - a nice big bowl of milk!
DR. MALLARD: No, no. No milk. You drank it all for lunch!
LARRY: Nyaaah!
CURLY: I’m still hungry!
MOE: You got a tapeworm! [ slaps Curly’s hat off ]
DR. MALLARD: Now let me see… I, um… I’ll have to get you a couple of nurses. [ leaves ]
MOE: Nurses! [ fixes tie ]
[ The Stooges run around excitedly and Moe and Curly bump into each other ]
MOE: Get outta the way!
CURLY: Nurses, nurses, beautiful nurses! [ giggles ]
MOE: Take it easy, bloodhound. I’m running a fever myself.
LARRY: I ain’t freezin’!
DR. MALLARD: [ looks out into hallway ] Uh, would you nurses mind stepping in please?
CURLY: Nurses, nurses!
[ Curly bangs his head repeatedly on a nearby lamp in excitement ]
MOE: Hey, you wanna break the joint up?!
[ Curly continues banging his head on the lamp ]
MOE: Hey, hey, hey!
[ Curly stops ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Take his tempo! [ to Curly ] Hold still, baby!
[ Larry puts the thermometer in Curly’s mouth for a few seconds ]
MOE: What’s it say?
[ Larry takes the thermometer out of Curly’s mouth and reads it ]
LARRY: “90 proof”.
MOE AND LARRY: [ do a double take ] NNNGH!
[ Larry puts the thermometer back in Curly’s mouth. Curly begins chewing the thermometer. ]
CURLY: Hmmm…
[ Curly bops himself on the head several times, then swallows the thermometer ]
MOE: A nanny goat!
[ Larry feels Curly’s head and his hands end up getting burned by steam coming from Curly’s head ]
LARRY: AAAAAAGH! [ blows hand ]
[ Moe feels Curly’s head and his hand also gets burned ]
MOE: Ouch!
[ Moe and Larry both grab Curly’s hands and look at them ]
[ Behind the Stooges’ backs, Dr. Mallard comes back with his two male assistants from before ]
DR. MALLARD: And here are your nurses!
[ The Stooges all smile excitedly, then Larry and Curly quickly grab onto the two male assistants without looking and hug them, thinking they are women. Curly pats one assistant on the face, then he and Larry both look up at the assistants’ faces and realize they’re male. ]
LARRY AND CURLY: NGGAAAAAAAAAHH!!!
DR. MALLARD: You two nurses will have charge of these guests. Start tomorrow morning, bright and early.
ASSISTANT #1: Yeah, doc. Bright and early.
ASSISTANT #2: [ to the Stooges ] Gentlemen?
LARRY: Who came in?
[ The Stooges look behind themselves ]
ASSISTANT #2: [ points at open door ] This way, please.
[ The Stooges slowly begin walking towards the door ]
ASSISTANT #2: Please, gentlemen, this way.
[ Suddenly, the assistants grab the Stooges from the back and rush them out the door ]
ALL STOOGES: NYAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH!!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with a close-up of an alarm clock ringing ]
[ The camera cuts to the Stooges asleep in bed, snoring loudly ]
[ Moe wakes up to the ringing from the alarm clock ]
MOE: Hey, you guys, get up! You snore so loud, my ears are ringin’!
LARRY: Yeah, mine are ringin’, too!
CURLY: Mine, too, like an alarm clock.
MOE: [ looks at clock ] It is the alarm clock! We’d better get up!
[ The Stooges get up out of bed ]
MOE: Come on.
[ Curly picks up the alarm clock while Moe and Larry take off their pajamas, revealing their regular clothes already on under it ]
CURLY: Hmm…
[ Curly dumps the ringing alarm clock into a pitcher of water, causing the clock to break ]
CURLY: [ barking at clock ] RUFF!! RUFF!!
[ Curly walks up to Moe and Larry ]
LARRY: 5:00. That’s the time you get up, you get shot at sunrise!
MOE: Quit squawkin’. This early mornin’ air’s good for ya. Face the window!
[ The Stooges face the window ]
MOE: Take a deep breath.
[ The Stooges inhale some air, then suddenly begin coughing violently ]
LARRY: That’s that fresh air!
[ The two assistants enter the room ]
ASSISTANT #2: What do ya think you’re doin’?!
MOE: We’re breathin’.
ASSISTANT #2: Well, cut it out! It ain’t on the schedule!
ASSISTANT #1: [ throws sweat clothes at Stooges ] Get this stuff on! Let’s get goin’!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the two assistants opening the door to the gymnasium, followed by the Stooges slowly walking inside ]
ASSISTANT #2: Gentlemen, the gymnasium.
[ The two assistants suddenly push the Stooges inside the gym ]
ASSISTANT #2: Pay attention over here!
ASSISTANT #1: [ pulling on two weight handles ] All you gotta do is pull ‘em… Up and down… Up and down… Get busy.
[ The two assistants walk away ]
CURLY: Ha ha ha! Up and down! Ha ha! [ grabs two weight handles ] I--
[ Curly tries to pull the weight handles, but they’re too heavy for him ]
CURLY: Hmm! Hmm!!
[ Curly tries harder to pull the weights, but he ends up slamming backwards into the wall ]
MOE: [ whispers to Larry ] Too much weight.
[ Curly spits on his hands and begins to practice punching the air. Meanwhile, Moe and Larry pick up the weights from the machine and begin throwing the weights behind them. ]
ASSISTANT #2: [ shows Assistant #1 a paper ] We’ll use this schedule--
[ Suddenly, the weights that Moe and Larry are throwing in the air bonk the assistants on the head ]
ASSISTANT #2: OHHHH!
[ Two more weights hit the assistants on the head, causing them to faint on the ground ]
[ Curly flexes his muscles ]
MOE: Hey, muscle-brain!
[ Curly looks at Moe and walks over to the machine, which has no weights left on it ]
MOE: Up and down!
CURLY: [ grabbing the weight handles ] Up and down! I-- [ struggles to pull the weight handles ] Hnnnn!!
[ Curly runs forward with the handles and ends up pulling the machine apart and he crashes on the ground ]
CURLY: Ooh!! Mmmmm!
[ Moe and Larry help Curly up ]
MOE: You dope! Now we’ll have to pay for that! [ slaps Curly’s head ] What’s the matta with you?!
CURLY: Hnnn!
[ Suddenly, the assistants, still laying on the floor in a daze, begin speaking ]
ASSISTANT #2: [ dazedly ] Tweet-tweet little birdies!
[ The Stooges look over at the assistants ]
ASSISTANT #2: I get it, doc… We’ll run ‘em ragged and take ‘em for every cent they got!
MOE: You hear that?
LARRY: That Mallard’s nothin’ but a quack.
MOE: That means duck. Come on!
[ The Stooges run out of the room and as they’re about to turn down the hallway, they notice a guard asleep on a chair ]
ALL STOOGES: [ quietly ] Nyaaaaah!
[ The Stooges run down the opposite end of the hallway and hide behind a wall ]
[ Dr. Mallard walks up to the sleeping guard ]
DR. MALLARD: Oh, for heaven’s sakes… [ wakes up guard ] George, George!! Stay awake!
[ The two assistants exit the gymnasium while shaking their heads, then they see Dr. Mallard ]
ASSISTANT #2: Hey, doc!
[ The two assistants run up to Dr. Mallard ]
ASSISTANT #2: The patient slugged us!
ASSISTANT #1: Yeah, and got away!
DR. MALLARD: They did?! [ to George ] Watch this hallway and don’t let anyone out! [ to assistants ] Come on, we’ll search the grounds!
[ Dr. Mallard and the assistants run away ]
[ The Stooges peek down the hallway and see George falling back asleep in his chair ]
MOE: We gotta get outta here.
LARRY: But how? That mug is guardin’ the door.
CURLY: I got an idea.
MOE AND LARRY: Yeah??
CURLY: We’ll get some grease…
MOE AND LARRY: Yeah??
CURLY: Spill it on the floor…
MOE AND LARRY: Yeah??
CURLY: And slip by.
MOE AND LARRY: Yeah…
[ Moe and Larry do a double take ]
MOE: No!! [ bonks Curly’s head ]
CURLY: Hnnngh! Hngh!
[ Larry peeks back down the hall and sees George asleep ]
LARRY: Come on, now’s our chance!
[ The Stooges begin sneaking down the hallway. As they walk next to George, George suddenly snores loudly and scares the Stooges. The Stooges lean against the wall. Curly begins to sneeze. ]
CURLY: Ah… ah…
[ Moe sticks his finger under Curly’s nose, then gives him a nosehonk and bops his head. Curly’s sneeze stops, then he smiles and waves at Moe. Suddenly, Curly sneezes loudly. ]
CURLY: HAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOHH!!!!
[ A vase behind Curly falls off a shelf and smashes over Curly’s head ]
CURLY: [ holds head ] OWW!! OOHHH OOHHH!!
[ George wakes up suddenly and walks over to Curly ]
GEORGE: Hey, what happened? [ to Curly ] Who are you?
CURLY: OOOHHHHHH!!
GEORGE: What’s the matter with him? Is he sick?
LARRY: Oh, yeah, terribly sick!
MOE: Yeah, I think we’ll have to operate.
GEORGE: Oh, you’re doctors?
LARRY: Oh, sure, sure, sure!
MOE: Yeah, we’re doctors. [ to Larry ] Dr. Windbag, I presume. [ shakes Larry’s hand ]
LARRY: Well, blow me down!
GEORGE: Well, gosh, we gotta go right in the operatin’ room!
MOE: So we do!
[ A nurse walks past while pushing Mr. Grimble in a wheelchair ]
GEORGE: Well, hello, Mr. Grimble. A couple of new doctors.
MR. GRIMBLE: [ to Moe ] Doctor, will you examine me?
MOE: [ looks over Mr. Grimble ] Boy, you look terrible!
[ The Stooges begin walking towards the operating room ]
MR. GRIMBLE: I’ll give $1000 to anyone who cures me!
[ Moe and Larry suddenly turn back around and spin Mr. Grimble’s wheelchair ]
MOE: Say that louder!!
GEORGE: Hey, wait a minute! [ points at Curly ] You gotta operate on him first!
LARRY: [ to Mr. Grimble ] Don’t get better, we’ll be right back!
MR. GRIMBLE: Alright…
MOE: [ to Curly ] You! [ pushes Curly in operating room ] Get inside!
[ The Stooges and George enter the operating room ]
MOE: A fine time you picked for an operation!
CURLY: I picked?!!
MOE: Go on!
LARRY: Get on there!
[ Moe and Larry lay Curly down on the operating table ]
MOE: For $1000 bucks, I’d have… cut that guy up like a Christmas turkey!
LARRY: Yeah…
GEORGE: [ to Curly ] Hey, can I watch while they cut ya up?
CURLY: Yeah, bud, I-- [ does a double take ] YAAAH-HA-HA!!
MOE: [ to George ] By the way, I’ll need a trachtohomalactometer.
GEORGE: Got one right here. [ gives Moe a tool ]
MOE: Hmm, that’s a big one.
GEORGE: Gonna cut him wide open, I see.
LARRY: Yeah…
MOE: Say, I’ll also need a hemmadeemaseemafern.
GEORGE: Got one comin’ right up. [ walks away ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] That guy’s got everything! We gotta get rid of him!
LARRY: Yeah, but suppose we can’t?
MOE: Well, in that case, uh… [ pick up saw ] I’ll have to start cuttin’.
LARRY: Yeah.
CURLY: Yeah… [ does a double take ] NYAAAH-AAAH-AAAH!
[ Curly tries to get off the operating table, but Moe grabs him back ]
[ Larry picks up a bottle of ether and a napkin ]
LARRY: I got it! We can put him to sleep with this! [ pours ether on napkin ]
MOE: Fine! [ takes napkin ]
[ George walks back up to the Stooges with a tool. Moe holds the napkin with ether on it under George’s nose. ]
GEORGE: [ sniffing ] Ah, my favorite scent! Fleur de Polecat!
[ George waves the napkin around Moe and Larry’s noses, causing them to yawn ]
[ Curly grabs a bottle of ether, then picks up a large hammer. He bonks George’s head with the hammer, knocking him dizzy, then flicks George’s nose, causing George to faint backwards on the floor. ]
MOE: He’s out like a light! [ to Curly ] What’d ya give him?
CURLY: Ether.
LARRY: Ether??
CURLY: Yeah… ether a bottle or a hammer!
MOE AND LARRY: [ grab ether and hammer away ] Why you, I’ll--
[ Moe and Larry hear commotion outside in the hallway ]
[ In the hallway, Dr. Mallard and his two assistants are looking around for George ]
DR. MALLARD: George?! George?!
MOE: [ to Larry ] It’s Doc Mallard! [ points to unconscious George ] We better get him outta the way. Quick!
DR. MALLARD: Ms. Shapely!
[ Nurse Shapely walks up to Dr. Mallard ]
NURSE SHAPELY: Yes?
DR. MALLARD: Ms. Shapely, where’s that stupid guard?!
NURSE SHAPELY: Oh, he’s in the laboratory with the new doctors.
DR. MALLARD: Oh, I see-- [ does a double take ] New doctors?! [ to assistants ] Come on!
[ They all head towards the operating room ]
[ Inside the operating room, Moe and Larry are dressed like doctors with masks covering their faces and a sheet is over the operating table, covering Curly. Dr. Mallard and his assistants walk in. ]
DR. MALLARD: Why, doctor, what in the world--
MOE: SHH!! The patient’s in a transom!
DR. MALLARD: Oh, I’m sorry, doctor. I wasn’t expecting you.
MOE: Well, that makes us even - we weren’t expecting you, either! [ laughs ]
CURLY: [ leans up under sheets ] Ha ha ha ha ha--
[ Moe shoves Curly’s head back down on the operating table ]
CURLY: OOHHH HO! OHH!
DR. MALLARD: [ to assistants ] Go ahead, find those men. If you catch them, put them in the steam room. Give ‘em the works.
[ The two assistants leave ]
DR. MALLARD: [ to Moe ] Some patients escaped. It was most unfortunate. They were… unbalanced, you know?
[ Meanwhile, George, who was unconscious behind the table, regains consciousness and begins getting up. Larry sees this, sneaks over to George, and bonks George’s head with a hammer, knocking him out again. ]
DR. MALLARD: [ to Moe ] Proceed with your operation, doctor. Don’t let me interrupt you.
MOE: Oh, thank you. Uh… [ picks up saw ]
DR. MALLARD: Oh, you’re going to use that? Then, of course, you’re going to cut straight here. [ points to Curly’s head over sheets ]
CURLY: [ leans head up under sheets ] NGAAAH-AAAAH!
[ Larry slams Curly’s head back down ]
DR. MALLARD: By the way, what does the patient have?
MOE: You see, doctor, he has a very bad case of gotapalmaseemabeans.
CURLY: Nyaaah-aaaah-aaaah-aaaah!
DR. MALLARD: Oh, indeed. [ picks up large saw ] Well, then of course, you’re doing to need this bone saw.
MOE: Do tell… [ takes saw ] Well, in that case, doctor, would you cut across here… [ points saw at Curly’s legs ] Or cut across there… [ points saw at Curly’s chest ]
[ Curly leans up under the sheets. Moe whacks Curly’s face over the sheets with the saw. ]
CURLY: OHHHHHHHHHHHH!!
DR. MALLARD: Oh, doctor, now you’re joking! Of course, you don’t cut here… [ points at Curly’s legs ] or here… [ points at Curly’s chest ] Naturally, you saw straight through the skull.
CURLY: [ leans head up under sheets ] NGAAAH-AAAAH!
[ Larry slams Curly’s head back down ]
MOE: Well…
[ Moe tries to saw across Curly’s head, but Curly moves down under the sheets ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Anesthetic!
[ Larry gets the anesthetic and pretends to give it to Curly under the sheets. Moe raises the sheets slightly and pats Curly’s head. ]
MOE: [ whispers ] We’ll fool that guy. We’ll cut through your skull so fast, he won’t know the difference.
CURLY: [ whispers ] What about me??
MOE: [ whispers ] You won’t know the difference, either!
CURLY: [ leans head up under sheets ] NGAAAH-AAAAH!
[ Moe and Larry slam Curly’s head back down ]
MOE: Get out! [ to Larry ] The saw!
[ Larry scrapes the saw across the top of Curly’s head ]
CURLY: NYAAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAH!!
[ Curly pulls up the sheets covering him, exposing his feet. Dr. Mallard looks closely at Curly’s shoes and recognizes them. ]
DR. MALLARD: [ to Moe ] Let me take over, doctor. I’ll have him opened up for you in just a minute…
[ Dr. Mallard pushes the operating table backwards, causing Curly to slide backwards off the table and crash on the ground ]
CURLY: OOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!
DR. MALLARD: [ to Moe and Larry ] Doctors, eh?!
[ Dr. Mallard pulls Moe’s mask off and begins chasing Moe and Larry ]
DR. MALLARD: I’ll “doctor” ya! Come to this institutioner…
MOE: Take it easy now! Hold on, I tell ya! Hold on, I tell ya!
DR. MALLARD: [ chases Larry ] I’ll get your last meal!
[ Moe and Dr. Mallard bump into each other ]
MOE AND DR. MALLARD: OOOHHH!!!
[ Dr. Mallard opens up a glass case on the wall and takes out an axe ]
DR. MALLARD: Oh… so that’s the way you’re gonna play, huh?!
[ Larry takes a fire extinguisher and sprays it in Dr. Mallard’s face. Moe stands behind Dr. Mallard and smashes a glass over his head, knocking him out. ]
MOE: Come on!
[ Moe and Larry pick Curly up from the floor and exit the room ]
[ Out in the hallway, the Stooges run around Mr. Grimble ]
CURLY: WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!! WOO-WOO!!
MOE: Nyaaaaaaaaah!
[ The Stooges spin Mr. Grimble around in his wheelchair and cause him to fall on the floor ]
[ The Stooges enter the gymnasium and close the door, not realizing that the two assistants are standing behind them. Moe and Larry lean their ears against the door. Curly looks back and sees the two assistants. ]
CURLY: Hiya! [ does a double take ] NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAH-AAAAH!!!
MOE: Quiet, jughead!
CURLY: But, Moe, you don’t know what--
MOE: Quiet, I say!
CURLY: Moe, I got the whole thing--
MOE: [ picks up dumbbell ] Quiet, or I’ll bat your brains out!
CURLY: [ picks up dumbbell ] Yeah, you and who else?!
[ With the dumbbell in his hand, Moe pushes the dumbbell in Curly’s hand back without looking and it hits Assistant #2 in the head, knocking him out. Assistant #1 walks up to Moe and without looking, Moe hits the assistant in the head with the dumbbell and knocks him out. The Stooges look behind them and see the unconscious assistants. ]
ALL STOOGES: Nyaaaaah!
[ The Stooges run out of the gymnasium and in the hallway, they run near Mr. Grimble again, who’s back in his wheelchair ]
MR. GRIMBLE: Ooh… oh, please be careful, mister… Oh, my foo--
[ Moe and Larry run past Mr. Grimble, but Curly trips over Mr. Grimble and knocks him out of the wheelchair. They both fall on the floor. ]
MR. GRIMBLE: Oh, my foot!!
[ Curly leans up and angrily hits Mr. Grimble’s “broken” foot with his hand ]
MR. GRIMBLE: OWW!! Ohh!
[ Curly stands up and runs away ]
MR. GRIMBLE: Oh, my foot… [ stands up ] Oh, my foo-- [ taps “broken” foot on floor several times ] I’m cured! It doesn’t hurt anymore! [ to Curly ] Doctor, doctor! [ runs after Curly ]
[ Meanwhile, Moe and Larry enter a room and quickly close the door. They learn their ears against the door and hear nothing. ]
MOE: Safe at last!
LARRY: We sure gave them the slip! They don’t know where we are yet, you know that--
[ Suddenly, Dr. Mallard and George grab Moe and Larry’s shoulders ]
MOE: NYAAAH-AAAH-AAAH! Now take it easy!
LARRY: We’re innocent!
MOE: I’ll get myself a cheap lawyer!
[ Dr. Mallard and George drag Moe and Larry out of the room ]
MOE: I’m a citizen! You can’t do that to me!
[ Dr. Mallard and George open the door to the steam room ]
MOE: I got a brother in court! I’ll tell ya that!
[ Moe and Larry are shoved inside of the steam room ]
MOE: Now, wait! Take it easy!
[ George closes the door and Dr. Mallard turns the heat valve on for the steam room ]
DR. MALLARD: That’ll hold ‘em for a while. [ to George ] Come on, we’ll find the other one.
[ Dr. Mallard and George leave ]
[ Curly peeks down from one end of the hallway and sees the hallway is empty. He walks down the hall and Moe and Larry frantically knock on the glass steam room door from the inside to catch Curly’s attention. Curly turns towards the door and sees Moe and Larry inside. ]
CURLY: What are you doin’ here?
[ Moe and Larry try to speak to Curly behind the glass door, but the steam is drowning out their voices ]
CURLY: What are you all steamed up about?!
MOE: The valve!! The valve!!
CURLY: The valve? [ holds up imaginary trumpet ] Oh, you push the first valve down, and the music goes--
MOE: [ points to valve next to Curly ] Turn it off!!
[ Curly walks over to the valve and begins turning it. The steam pressure meter on the valve turns from “normal” to “danger”, causing the steam in the room to get stronger. Moe and Larry frantically knock on the glass door again and Curly walks over to the door. He knocks back on the glass door. ]
MOE: [ moves hands like valve ] The other way!
CURLY: [ moves hands like valve ] The other way?
[ Moe pokes his fingers into the glass door, causing Curly to feel the eyepoke on the other side of the door ]
CURLY: OOOH OOOH OOOH!!
MOE: The other way!!
[ Curly walks up to the valve and moves it around, causing the steam pressure meter to spin around out of control ]
CURLY: [ to Moe ] Why don’t you make up your mind?!
[ A nurse walks past Curly, which catches his attention ]
CURLY: Yeee-eee!
[ Curly follows the nurse as she walks away ]
[ Meanwhile, the steam pressure meter rapidly spins around out of control ]
[ Curly follows the nurse into a room and the door closes ]
NURSE SHAPELY: [ off-camera ] AAAAAAHHHHH!!! How dare you!!
[ Suddenly, Curly goes crashing through the door and lands on the floor. As Curly leans up, a platter from behind him is thrown at his head ]
CURLY: OHHO!! OHH! OHH!! MMM!! I can take a hint!!
[ The steam in the room Moe and Larry are in is getting very severe ]
CURLY: [ moves hand like valve ] I know! Moe and Larry! [ stands up ]
[ Suddenly, the steam room explodes and Moe and Larry go running out of it, then crash into the wall and fall down on the floor. Curly finds his way through the steam and helps up Moe and Larry. ]
MOE: Oh! What happened?!
[ Mr. Grimble comes rushing into the scene ]
MR. GRIMBLE: [ to Curly ] Oh, doctor! Oh, doctor, doctor! You cured me! I’m goin’ home!
[ Mr. Grimble takes out some money from his wallet and gives it to Curly ]
MR. GRIMBLE: Worth every cent of it!
[ Mr. Grimble taps his foot on the floor twice, then kicks Curly’s leg ]
CURLY: OOOHHH HO HO HO HO!!! OHH!!
[ Mr. Grimble continues dancing away down the hallway and he jumps in the air and clicks his heels together ]
MR. GRIMBLE: Woo!!
[ Moe takes the money away from Curly’s hands ]
MOE: A thousand bucks!
LARRY: Nearly a million!
MOE: Yeah, beautiful girls! Great lights! Wonderful food!
LARRY: Travel, luxury, Monte Carlo!
CURLY: Wait a minute! You know what we oughta do?
MOE AND LARRY: What?
CURLY: Go somewhere for a nice, long rest!
MOE AND LARRY: Yeah-- [ do a double take ]
MOE: This rest almost killed me!
LARRY: You need a rest like a hole in the head!
MOE: Hole in the head - that’s a good idea!
[ Moe and Larry bonk Curly’s head repeatedly ]
CURLY: Ooh, ooh! OH, DOC, DOC, DOC, DOC, DOC!!!
THE END
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