Great Movie Comedians, The (From Charlie Chaplin to Woody Allen)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2003-07-26
I CAN HARDLY WAIT
[ The short opens inside of a dark room. A door opens and we see a hand holding a flashlight. The rest of the body walks in the room and we see that it’s Moe, with Larry and Curly behind him. Moe focuses the flashlight in Larry’s face ]
MOE: [ whispering ] Pull down all the shades. See that the coast is clear.
[ Larry walks off-camera over to the shades as Moe focuses the flashlight on the floor, then over to a safe. ]
MOE: [ whispering to Curly ] C’mon.
[ Moe and Curly walk over to the safe ]
MOE: [ whispering ] Hold the light.
[ Curly takes the flashlight, as Moe tries to open the safe ]
CURLY: Hey!
MOE: [ whispering ] Quiet! Sandpaper.
[ Curly takes off his hat. Moe scratches the top of Curly’s head, followed by Curly panting heavily on Moe’s hand. Moe then uses the hand to try to open the safe lock. After hearing a few tumbler clicks, Moe successfully opens the safe ]
MOE: [ looking in the safe ] A bonanza!
CURLY: Oh, I just loves “bonanzas†and cream!
[ Suddenly the light in the room turns on, followed by Larry walking over to Moe and Curly at the safe ]
LARRY: Oh, boy! Look!
[ Cut to a close-up of the safe, which is revealed to be a refrigerator with food inside ]
CURLY: Hurry! I can hardly wait!
MOE: Okay. [ reaches in the safe and hands a plate with a ham and an egg to Larry ] Ham and egg.
LARRY: [ walking off-camera ] Ham and egg!
MOE: [ taking out a plate of butter ] Butter!
[ Dissolve to the Stooges standing in front of a table with the food on it ]
MOE: The neighbors can’t see in; the shades are down! Ha, ha, ha!
[ The Stooges take off their jackets, then rub the NEEDLOCK APPLIANCE CORP. buttons on their shirts; Moe’s button has the number “13â€, Larry’s button has “6 7/8†and Curly’s button says “H2O†]
MOE: Oh, boy! If those Japs ever knew how many planes we turned out today, their yellow jaundice would turn green!
CURLY: Well, hurry, hurry! I can hardly wait!
LARRY: Yeah, quit stallin’! I’m so hungry, I can eat a horse.
MOE: Heh! What do you guys think you been eatin’ for the last month?
CURLY: Oh, no wonder every time I sneeze, I neigh like a horse! Ha, ha... [ suddenly sneezes, then neighs like a horse ] Nyuk, nyuk! [ waves at Moe ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] You make the coffee, porcupine. [ to Curly ] You slice some bread, empty skull. I’ll do the ham and eggs.
CURLY: Cabbage-head! And don’t forget -- divide everything up equally. [ waves his hand at Moe’s face, then snaps his fingers ]
MOE: Don’t worry; you’ll get what’s comin’ to ya.
CURLY: Well, hurry, hurry! I can hardly wait!
MOE: [ hitting Curly in the chest ] Relax! Rest a bit. You’re tired. [ fixes Curly in the knee-elbow-chin position ] Here. [ kicks Curly’s knee up, causing him to punch himself in the chin ]
CURLY: OHH HO HO! [ walks off-camera ]
LARRY: Hey, quit stallin’. I’m really hungry!
MOE: Oh, would you like to have a little bite? [ holds up a ham in front of Larry’s face ]
LARRY: Oh, yeah!
MOE: Close your eyes and open your mouth.
[ Larry follows Moe’s orders ]
MOE: [ slapping Larry ] Get out! [ puts the ham back on the plate ] C’mon, get busy!
[ Cut to Curly taking out a loaf of bread and beginning to slice it ]
[ Cut to Moe cooking the ham on a stove. He flips the ham in the pan three times, but during the third time, the ham flies backwards and off-camera. Moe looks around for the ham, then walks up to Larry, who’s opening a coffee pot ]
LARRY: Hot java! Ha!
MOE: Where’d ya hide that ham?
LARRY: What ham?!
MOE: Quit stallin’! C’mon! [ looks through Larry’s hair, then in the coffee pot ]
[ Cut back over to Curly, who unknowingly has the ham on top of his head. He picks the ham off of his head and smiles in delight when he sees it. He looks behind him to make sure that Moe and Larry aren’t looking, then cuts the bread in half and puts the ham in between. He puts the sandwich on a plate ]
CURLY: Oh, mustard!
[ Moe quietly sneaks over to Curly, who takes out a jar of mustard. Moe opens the ham sandwich, removes the top bread slice and ham, then lays his left hand on the bottom bread slice. Curly uses a knife and spreads mustard on Moe’s hand, mistaking it for ham. Moe grimaces in shock as Curly continues spreading mustard on his hand and arm, but still keeps quiet ]
CURLY: What a slice of ham! [ looks over and notices Moe’s face ] NYUH! [ putting the knife and mustard jar down ] I thought you was a ham! I never saw a slice of ham with fingers!
MOE: That’s alright, kid. [ scooping up the mustard off his left arm with his right hand ] Anybody can make a mistake.
CURLY: Oh, so you understand?
MOE: Oh, why certainly.
CURLY: Oh, thank you very much! Ha, ha, ha...
[ Moe slaps the mustard on his right hand onto Curly’s head ]
CURLY: OHHHH! HMMMM! RUFF!
MOE: [ holding the ham ] Clean this ham!
CURLY: I’ll clean it when I’m ready!!
MOE: Are ya ready?
CURLY: [ meekly ] Yeah, I’m ready!
[ Moe angrily walks off-camera as Curly walks over to the sink and begins washing the mustard off of his head ]
[ Cut over to Larry opening a boiling pot of water and taking a sniff. ]
LARRY: [ looking up in the air ] Ah! [ holds his head down close to the pot to take another sniff ]
[ Moe walks up to Larry and shoves his head in the boiling water ]
LARRY: OOH! [ crying and holding his nose in pain ] You burnt my little bugle!
MOE; I’ll break your bugle for ya!
[ Cut back to Curly, who has just finished washing the mustard off of his head. He takes the ham and washes it with soap, scrubs it against a washboard, dunks it into water, squeezes the water out of it, then lays it down on the counter and uses an iron to flatten it out. When he’s done, he holds the ham in his hands ]
CURLY: [ to Moe ] One slice of dry-cleaned ham, comin’ up!
[ Curly tosses the ham over to Moe, who catches it in the pan and starts cooking it. Curly then takes out a big loaf of bread and begins cutting around the loaf of bread in a spiral motion ]
CURLY: [ singing ] She was bred in old Kentucky
But she’s only a crumb up here
She’s knock-kneed and double-jointed
With a cauliflower ear
Someday we shall be married
And if vegetable get too dear
I’ll cut myself a nice big slice
Of her cauliflower ear
Cause that ain’t rationed...
[ Dissolve to Larry and Curly sitting at the dinner table and Moe laying down each of the Stooges’ plates of food ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] There we here... [ to himself ] There we are... [ to Curly ] And there we are. [ sits down ]
[ Cut to a close-up of Curly’s dinner plate, which has nothing but two eggshells and a bone ]
CURLY: [ off-camera ] HMM!
[ Cut back to the Stooges ]
CURLY: [ to Moe ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You said you were gonna divide everything equal!
MOE: Oh, ungrateful, eh?
CURLY: Yeah!
MOE: [ pointing to his and Larry’s plates ] We get a half a slice of ham and a half an egg apiece. [ pointing to Curly’s plate ] You get a whole bone and a whole eggshell, and you’re squawkin’!
CURLY: I’m sorry, Moe. Gee, you fellas are swell to me.
MOE: That’s more like it!
[ Curly picks up an eggshell and puts salt on it, then puts half of it in his mouth and begins reluctantly chewing it. After seeing that he likes the taste, he puts the other half of it in his mouth and continues chewing. ]
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! [ looks over at Larry and waves ]
[ Curly tries swallowing the eggshells, but it gets stuck in his throat. After slapping himself on the head doesn’t help, he bangs his chest, and the eggshells finally go down his throat successfully and make a “plonk†sound. ]
[ Moe holds up a loaf of bread, but it’s all cut up in a spiral design thanks to Curly ]
CURLY: Oh! [ taking the loaf from Moe ] If I had my music, I could play it. [ pretends to play it like an accordion ]
[ Larry walks over to Curly and begins yodeling as Curly continues to play the loaf like an accordion ]
LARRY: [ singing ] Oh lee low oh lay hee
Oh lee low oh lay hee
Oh low hoo hoo oh low
Oh low...
[ After angrily staring at Curly and Larry for a while, Moe finally double-slaps them ]
CURLY AND LARRY: OHH!!
MOE: [ grabbing back the loaf of bread ] Gimme that!
CURLY: [ sticking out his tongue at Moe ] Mmm!
[ Moe reaches over and pours salt on Curly’s tongue ]
CURLY: AAH-AAH! [ looks down at his plate and picks up the bone ] Oh, a “boneyâ€! [ pours salt on the bone, then takes a bite out of it, causing a tooth to crack ] OWW! OOH! Oh, my tooth! [ stands up and holds his mouth in pain ] I broke a tooth! It’s killin’ me! Oh, my poor little, cute little, sweet little tooth! It’s killin’ me!
MOE: [ stands up ] Shaddap! Go to bed; in the morning, the pain will be gone! [ sits back down ]
CURLY: Hmm! [ picks up a bone ] This is your fault, you bonehead! RUFF! RUFF! [ throws the bone off-camera ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] OOH!
CURLY: [ looking at Moe ] NYAAAH-AAAH-AAAAH!
[ Cut to a close-up of Moe with the bone stuck over his right eye, making it look like he’s wearing a monocle ]
CURLY: [ holding the side of his face in pain and walks away from the table ] OOH! Oh, my tooth! It’s killin’ me! Ooh!
[ Moe and Larry get up from the table and follow Curly ]
MOE: I told ya to go to sleep, didn’t I?
CURLY: I can’t sleep when my tooth hurts!
MOE: I’ll fix that right now! [ stomps on Curly’s foot ]
CURLY: [ holding his foot in pain ] OOH! My foot! Ohh!
MOE: There, you see? Your toothache’s gone.
CURLY: [ holding the side of his face in pain again ] Oh, no, my tooth! [ holding his foot in pain ] Oh, my foot!
[ Larry kicks Curly in the behind ]
CURLY: Oh, my... [ holding the side of his face ] tooth!
MOE: Go on upstairs to bed! [ pushes Curly ]
CURLY: [ bumping into the door ] OOH! [ walks through the door ]
MOE: [ grabbing Larry by the hair ] You, too! [ pushing him to the door ] C’mon!
[ Dissolve to inside the Stooges’ bedroom. We see a triple bunk beds set; Moe is laying in the bottom bunk, Larry is in the middle bunk, and Curly is walking around in circles on the top bunk, with a towel wrapped around his head ]
CURLY: Ohh, my poor tooth! OHH! OHH!
LARRY: BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP!!
CURLY: How can I go to sleep with this tooth killin’ me?!
MOE: [ wearily ] Alright, come on down and we’ll fix it.
[ Curly begins climbing down the bunk beds. As he gets down to Larry’s bunk, he accidentally steps on Larry’s face ]
LARRY: OHHHHHHHH!!!
MOE: [ to himself ] I oughta bat...
[ Curly steps on Moe’s face as well while climbing down his bunk ]
MOE: OHHH! OH-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA!! OHH!
[ Moe and Larry angrily gets out of their bunks ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] You chuckle-head! Why don’t you look where you’re walkin’?!
CURLY: What do you expect me do have, eyes on my feet?!
[ Moe punches Curly in the stomach ]
CURLY: OHH! [ stepping up to Moe ] Listen, you!
MOE: [ angrily ] What?!
CURLY: [ painfully ] It’s my tooth that’s killin’ me!
MOE: [ looking in Curly’s mouth ] Lemme see... [ touches one of Curly’s teeth ] Is it there?
CURLY: [ with the knot on the top of the towel wrapped around his head twirling in pain ] NYAAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH- AAAAAH-AAAAAH! [ holding the side of his face in pain ] Ow- ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
MOE: Alright, alright, alright! [ to Larry ] Get the hot water bottle, porcupine.
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] You get in my bed! [ takes the towel off of Curly’s head ]
[ Curly gets in the lower bunk and lays down ]
MOE: Get around here. [ giving Curly the blanket ] Cover up and stay over close to the wall. Here. [ pushing Curly closer to the wall ] Over close! [ lifts his head and accidentally hits it on the bunk bed above him ] OOH! Ooh! Ooh!
[ Larry returns, with a hot water bottle and a cork ]
LARRY: I got the bottle, but I couldn’t find the stopper. Here’s a cork that’ll fit. [ hands the bottle and cork to Moe ]
MOE: Okay, we’ll try it. [ stuff the cork in the water bottle opening ]
[ Larry tries to climb back up into the middle bunk, but he falls back and bumps into Moe ]
MOE: What’s the matter with you?!
LARRY: You’d better help me up.
MOE: [ putting the hot water bottle down ] A general nuisance here...
[ Moe holds open his hands and Larry puts a foot on it ]
MOE: Hike!
[ Moe lifts Larry up to the middle bunk and Larry hits his head on the top bunk ]
LARRY: OOH!!! [ crawls into the middle bunk ]
MOE: Get in here! [ grabbing back the hot water bottle ] Go to sleep!
LARRY: [ throwing something at Moe ] Ahh!
[ Moe crawls into the bottom bunk, where Curly is ]
CURLY: My poor tooth...
MOE: Aw, shaddap! [ laying the hot water bottle down next to Curly’s face ] Here, put your head on that hot water bottle.
CURLY: Sorta cheek-to-cheek?
MOE: [ closing his eyes and trying to sleep ] Yeah, cheek- to-cheek... Cheek-to-cheek...
CURLY: Ohh, my tooth, my tooth... [ puts his head on top of the hot water bottle, causing the cork to squeeze out and water to spray right in Moe’s face ]
MOE: BWAAAUUUUGH!!!!! [ pause ] GET OUTTA THIS BED!! GET OUTTA THIS BED!!
CURLY: [ crawling out of the bunk ] But my... [ falling out of the bunk ] Look out!
MOE: Get up in your own bed! Get up! [ whacks Curly on the head with the water bottle two times ]
CURLY: OHH! OHH!
[ Moe lays back down as Curly begins climbing up to the top bunk. Curly accidentally steps on Moe’s face again ]
MOE: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! [ bites Curly’s foot ]
CURLY: [ screaming in Larry’s face ] YAAAAH-HOWW-HOWWW- HOWWW-HOWWWW-AAAH!
LARRY: SHUTUP!!!
CURLY: Help me up!
LARRY: Ah, it’s a pleasure to get rid of ya!
[ As Larry tries to help Curly up, Curly steps on Larry’s face again ]
LARRY: OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
[ Curly climbs up to the top bunk ]
CURLY: [ resting his head on the pillow ] Ohh...ohhh...my tooth...
[ Curly falls asleep and goes into a dream sequence. As his dream begins, he rises from his bed holding the side of his face in pain ]
CURLY: Oh, my tooth! Oh, my tooth! Feels like gremlins are “gremling†in it!
MOE: [ kindly ] Come on down and we’ll fix that tooth for ya right now.
[ Curly begins climbing down the bunk bed set. As he does, Larry peeks his head out from his bunk bed and gets it caught in between Curly’s legs, causing Curly to pull him down and crash into Moe, knocking them all down to the floor ]
ALL STOOGES: UHHHH!!!
[ The Stooges get up from the floor ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Numbskull, I’ll murder you!
CURLY: Oh, my poor tooth! Fix it!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Go get my fishing line!
[ Larry runs off-camera ]
CURLY: Is this gonna hurt?
MOE: Of course not; I won’t even feel it!
CURLY: Oh, thanks!
MOE: Open your mouth.
[ Dissolve to Moe tying the line to a fishing pole inside of Curly’s mouth, as Larry watches from behind Moe ]
MOE: There we are! Hold what you got now, kid. Everything will be alright in a second.
[ Moe takes the fishing pole and backs away a few feet, then tugs the line ]
CURLY: OHH!! [ running around the room in pain ] HMM!
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Shorten up on your line!
[ Moe pulls the fishing pole too far back, causing it to hit his head ]
MOE: OHH!
[ Larry walks over to Moe ]
LARRY: How is he; pretty heavy?
MOE: Yeah... [ slaps Larry ]
[ Moe continues yanking the fishing pole as Curly continues running around the room in pain, then drops on the floor and spins around like a top ]
[ Moe tugs the fishing pole too far back again, causing the line to break and the pole to fly back and hit Larry’s head ]
LARRY: [ holding his head in pain ] Ohhhh!! Hold my head up!
MOE: [ looking at the fishing line ] Broke! How do ya like that?! The biggest one I ever had, and he got away!
LARRY: This is not gonna work!
[ Moe looks down at the ground, then gets an idea ]
MOE: I’ve got a better idea! I got it!
CURLY: Every time you “got itâ€, I "get itâ€!
MOE: [ grabbing Larry by the hair ] C’mere, “Mastermindâ€! You go out of that door and when I say “Goâ€, open it. That’s all!
LARRY: [ walking off-camera ] Okay.
MOE: Have no fear. [ tugs the wire tied to Curly’s tooth ]
CURLY: OW-OWW! OOH!!
MOE: Alright, come over here, “Man-o-warâ€. [ pulls Curly by the string tied to his tooth while walking to the door ]
CURLY: [ following Moe ] AAH-AAH-AAH-AAH!!
[ As Moe and Curly arrive at the door, Moe ties the end of the string to the doorknob ]
MOE: This is the way we do things right! [ to Curly ] Alright? [ to Larry, who’s behind the closed door ] Go!
[ Larry pushes open the door opens and it hits Curly in the head ]
CURLY: OOH! OH! OHH! OHH!! [ to Moe ] You almost broke my skull; you’re supposed to pull my tooth!
MOE: Take it easy kid, I’m sorry. Just back up. [ places Curly in front of the door ] Alright?
CURLY: Right!
[ Moe pushes the door closed, but instead of the string pulling out Curly’s tooth, the doorknob gets pulled out of the door instead. Curly opens his eyes and looks down at the swinging doorknob at the end of the string ]
CURLY: WOO! Look at that tooth! It’s a whopper! [ looks at the long screw behind the knob ] And look at that root! Say, if I belonged to the Elks, I’d wear this on my watch chain...if I had a watch chain!
MOE: You pumpkin’-head! That’s not your tooth...that’s the doorknob!
CURLY: Oh! No wonder my tooth still hurts me... [ holding the side of his face in pain ] OHH!! OH! My poor little, sweet little, adorable, lovable, sweet little, bushy-wushy tooth!
LARRY: Listen -- we gotta get that tooth out, or we’ll never get to sleep!
MOE: [ snapping his fingers ] I got it!
CURLY: [ wearily ] Again?!
MOE: This idea will revolutionize dentistry!
CURLY: I never knew this would start a revolution!
[ Dissolve to Curly standing on top of a ladder while Moe, on the other side of the ladder, ties the end of Curly’s tooth string to a chandelier; Larry is holding the ladder in place ]
MOE: You got nothin’ to worry about, kid. See? Tie this up here like that. [ finishes tying the string to the chandelier ] Now, when I say “threeâ€, all you gotta do is jump off the ladder -- your tooth comes out -- [ snaps finger ] like that!
CURLY: Somethin’ tells me I shouldn’t do this!
MOE: [ patting Curly on the head ] Aw, don’t be nervous. [ climbs down the ladder ] Okay, watch for my countin’. [ walks over next to Larry ] Ready -- One...two...
LARRY: Two and a half!
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Quiet! [ pause ] Three!
[ Curly jumps down the ladder, but instead of the chandelier pulling his tooth out, he pulls down the chandelier and it falls on his head, knocking him down to the ground, followed by cracked pieces from the ceiling falling down on his face and in his mouth ]
CURLY: OHH! UGH! OHH-HO-HO! [ more ceiling pieces fall on his face ] AAUUUGH!! [ sits up and feels the cracked ceiling pieces in his mouth ] It’s out! [ pulls out a ceiling piece, mistaking it for his bad tooth ] You got it! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... [ pulls out another ceiling piece ] You got another one! Ha, ha, ha, ha... [ spits out the rest of the ceiling pieces in his mouth ] [ angrily ] You got ‘em all! You got me baldheaded in the mouth! [ stands up and walks over to Moe and Larry ] Why, you!
[ Curly throws the chandelier towards Moe and Larry as they run out of the way, but the string still tied to from his tooth to the chandelier causes him to get pulled along with the flying chandelier, and he crashes into the ground ]
CURLY: OOH! Oh, my tooth! [ stands up ]
MOE: What’s the matta?
CURLY: I’m through... [ flips his hand on top of his head, then waves it in Moe’s face ] definitely!
MOE: Alright, then you go to the dentist.
CURLY: Oh, no! Please, no! Not that! Ohh!
LARRY: [ whispering to Moe ] Hey, why don’t we blast?
MOE: [ whispering ] With what?
LARRY: [ whispering ] I still got a giant firecracker from the 4th of July!
MOE: [ whispering ] At last, you got a hunk of brain!
LARRY: [ whispering ] Yeah? Where’d I get it?
MOE: [ whispering ] Never mind! Go on!
[ Larry runs off-camera ]
CURLY: [ to Moe ] What is he gonna do now?
MOE: Take it easy. Relax. It’ll be over in a flash!
[ Larry returns with a firecracker ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Close your eyes and open your mouth.
CURLY: But remember -- this is the last time! [ closes his eyes and opens his mouth ]
MOE: [ taking Larry’s firecracker ] You said it! [ places the firecracker in Curly’s open mouth like a cigar ] Close.
[ Curly closes his mouth ]
[ Larry helps Moe start a lighter, then Moe lights the firecracker in Curly’s mouth with it. Moe and Larry run off-camera. Curly opens his eyes and notices the firecracker in his mouth ]
CURLY: NYAAAH-AAAAH! [ throws the firecracker off-camera ]
[ Cut over to Moe and Larry standing by the door, with their backs turned on Curly and with their fingers plugged in their ears, in anticipation of the firecracker going off. The firecracker stick that Curly just threw lands in the back of Moe’s pajama pants ]
CURLY: Hey, Moe!
MOE: Shaddap!
CURLY: [ looking away and covering his eyes ] AAAH-AAAH!
MOE: Shaddap!
[ As Curly looks back over at Moe, the firecracker explodes, leaving a big hole in the seat of Moe''s pants and a lot of smoke coming out of it ]
MOE: OWWWWWWWWWW!!!! OHH!! OHH-OHH-OHH-OHH!! [ sits down on the floor and drags his behind all over it ] OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!!
[ Fade-out ]
[ Fade-in to a close-up of an office door that reads:
“Y. TUG and A. YANK
DENTISTS
DDS. Ph.D C.O.D
F.O.B. P.D.Q.†]
[ Larry walks up to the door ]
LARRY: [ to Moe and Curly off-camera ] This is it.
[ Larry walks inside the door, followed by Moe and Curly; Moe is behind Curly, holding Curly’s arm behind him and leading him inside the room ]
CURLY: I’m not afraid! I’m not afraid! [ a beat ] What a liar I am!
[ The Stooges walk up to the secretary’s desk, where the secretary is talking on the phone ]
SECRETARY: Hello, Mrs. Smith? Dr. Tug wants to know when your husband is coming in to have those other teeth pulled.
[ Cut over to Curly making a nervous expression ]
SECRETARY: [ off-camera ] Oh, he died after the last extraction.
[ Curly quickly heads towards the door, but Moe walks up to him and pulls him back over]
CURLY: HMMM!
[ Moe forces Curly to sit down in a chair, then he sits down on the chair beside Curly ]
PATIENT: [ off-camera ] OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
CURLY: [ falling out of his chair in fear ] NYAAAH-AAAAH- AAAAH-AAAAH!
[ Moe helps Curly back into his seat as the patient storms out of the dentist’s room while holding the side of his face in pain. The dentist runs out after him ]
DR. TUG: Hey, wait a minute! I’m not through yet!
PATIENT: Oh, yes you are! Say, what did you do before you became a dentist?!
DR. TUG: Why...uh...I-I was a butcher.
CURLY: [ with his hat flying up in shock ] NYAAAH-AAAH- AAAAH!! [ grabs his hat back down ]
PATIENT: [ to Dr. Tug ] As far as I’m concerned, you’re still one! [ angrily leaves ]
[ Dr. Tug turns over to Moe and Curly ]
DR. TUG: Right this way, gentlemen.
[ Curly stands up from his chair, then holds his arm in position behind his back. Moe angrily grabs his arm and forcefully leads him inside the dentist’s room. As they enter the room, Moe and Curly take off their hats, then Curly sits down in patient’s chair ]
MOE: Look, doc, we’re defense workers. If you want to cut down on absenteeism, yank this guy’s tooth [ pointing to Curly ]! He won’t let us sleep; he’s sabotaging the war effort! Whaddaya say?
DR. TUG: Why, it’d be a pleasure!
[ Cut to Larry standing next to the secretary’s desk, trying to flirt with the secretary ]
LARRY: Say, sugar, how’d you like to come over to my house tonight and see my coffee?
SECRETARY: [ angry ] Fresh!
LARRY: Oh, yeah, ground today!
[ Cut back to the dentist room ]
DR. TUG: Just a minute, now. [ grabs a needle and holds it in front of Curly’s face ]
CURLY: WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA...
[ Moe puts his hand over Curly’s mouth to shut him up ]
DR. TUG: I-I just want to test your tooth for sensitivity. Come on, now open your mouth.
[ Curly refuses to open his mouth, but Moe opens Curly’s mouth for him ]
CURLY: YUUH!
DR. TUG: That’s it! [ touching the needle around Curly’s mouth ] Now let’s see...
CURLY: OWWWWWWW!!! [ gets up from the chair ] OHH! [ to Moe ] He cut me with that knife! He’s a butcher, I tell ya; I heard the other fella say so! [ trying to get away, but Moe and Dr. Tug grab him back ] Get out! Get outta my way!
[ Moe and Dr. Tug forcefully get Curly to sit back down ]
CURLY: [ trying to get back up ] Let me get outta here! Let me get outta here!!
DR. TUG: You can’t get outta here!
MOE: [ slaps Curly ] Sit down!
DR. TUG: [ breathlessly ] There! [ to Moe ] You calm him down while I go and consult with my partner, Dr. Yank! [ leaves ]
CURLY: No! No! Oh, me! Oh, my! Oh, woe is me!!
MOE: You’re a coward! You’ve got nothin’ to be afraid of. [ pulls Curly out of the patient’s chair ] Step aside; I’ll show ya. [ sits down in the chair ] Sit in the chair and be calm. Relax.
[ Cut over to Dr. Tug in a room with Dr. Yank ]
DR. TUG: That screwy patient needs his first-right bicuspid extracted.
DR. YANK: So what?
DR. TUG: He got me so worn out from fighting with him, I haven’t got the strength to do it! You take him.
DR. YANK: Alright. I’ll fix it. [ pours ether onto a napkin ]
[ Cut back to Moe and Curly ]
MOE: ...you relax in the chair and close your eyes like this [ closes his eyes ] -- then you won’t see what he’s doin’.
[ Dr. Yank walks in the room and, thinking that Moe is the patient, slowly approaches towards him from behind ]
DR. YANK: [ to Curly ] Shh!
MOE: And before you know it, it’s all over. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...
[ Dr. Yank approaches Moe and holds the napkin with ether over Moe’s mouth ]
MOE: [ jerking his legs around ] MMPH!
CURLY: Hey, doc, there’s somethin’ I oughta tell ya...
DR. YANK: Not now! Now now!
CURLY: But you don’t understand...
DR. YANK: Hand me that towel!
[ Moe gets knocked out and stops jerking his legs ]
CURLY: Doc, listen...
DR. YANK: Quiet! Please do as I say; I’ve got to work fast!
CURLY: [ handing him the towel ] Here.
[ Dr. Yank wraps the towel under Moe’s chin, then enters forceps in Moe’s mouth and begins pulling his tooth out as Curly looks on in horror ]
CURLY: Ohh! [ pours a glass of water in his face, then makes swimming motions with his arms as if he’s underwater ]
[ Dr. Yank pulls out Moe’s tooth successfully ]
CURLY: NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAH!!
DR. YANK: [ looking at the forceps with Moe’s tooth in between it ] Ah! There it is! A perfect extraction! [ handing the forceps to Curly ] Here, hold that for a second.
[ Curly takes the forceps, then looks at Moe’s tooth on it and slaps his face in shock ]
CURLY: NYUH!
DR. YANK: I’ll be right back. [ walks towards the door ]
CURLY: Say, doc, he’s not the patient; I am!
DR. YANK: [ does a double-take ] Ohh! [ quickly leaves ]
[ Moe comes back to and works his tongue around inside his mouth and realizes that he’s missing a tooth. He then looks over at Curly, who’s holding the forceps with his tooth on it, and thinks that it was Curly who pulled his tooth. Curly nervously smiles as Moe looks over at him ]
MOE: Why, you numbskull! [ gets out of the chair and walks over to Curly ]
CURLY: But, Moe...
MOE: You double-crossin’ rat, you! Pullin’ my tooth when my back is turned! [ punches Curly in the stomach, causing his body to bend forward ]
CURLY: OOH!
[ Moe bops Curly on the head, causing his body to stand straight up ]
CURLY: OOH! I get...
[ Moe punches Curly in the face repeatedly. As Curly begins swinging his arms around trying to defend himself, the dream sequence ends, and we see a sleepwalking Curly standing on his bed and swinging his arms around. He then drops down into the bed and crashes down through all three bunk beds, pinning Moe on the bottom and Larry in the middle. ]
CURLY: [ waking up ] Where am I???
[ Moe and Larry poke their heads out from the “bunk-beds sandwich" ]
CURLY: What are you doin’ down there? What happened???
MOE: Nothin’, yet... [ punches Curly in the jaw ]
CURLY: OOH! OOH! OHH... [ spits out his bad tooth and holds it in his hand ] Look! You knocked my tooth out!
MOE: Good! Now maybe we can get some sleep.
CURLY: Good night!
MOE AND LARRY: [ angrily ] Good night!
[ The Stooges lay down on their mattresses and fall asleep. They begin snoring in random order, then snore like the sound of a train ]
[ THE END ]
[ The short opens inside of a dark room. A door opens and we see a hand holding a flashlight. The rest of the body walks in the room and we see that it’s Moe, with Larry and Curly behind him. Moe focuses the flashlight in Larry’s face ]
MOE: [ whispering ] Pull down all the shades. See that the coast is clear.
[ Larry walks off-camera over to the shades as Moe focuses the flashlight on the floor, then over to a safe. ]
MOE: [ whispering to Curly ] C’mon.
[ Moe and Curly walk over to the safe ]
MOE: [ whispering ] Hold the light.
[ Curly takes the flashlight, as Moe tries to open the safe ]
CURLY: Hey!
MOE: [ whispering ] Quiet! Sandpaper.
[ Curly takes off his hat. Moe scratches the top of Curly’s head, followed by Curly panting heavily on Moe’s hand. Moe then uses the hand to try to open the safe lock. After hearing a few tumbler clicks, Moe successfully opens the safe ]
MOE: [ looking in the safe ] A bonanza!
CURLY: Oh, I just loves “bonanzas†and cream!
[ Suddenly the light in the room turns on, followed by Larry walking over to Moe and Curly at the safe ]
LARRY: Oh, boy! Look!
[ Cut to a close-up of the safe, which is revealed to be a refrigerator with food inside ]
CURLY: Hurry! I can hardly wait!
MOE: Okay. [ reaches in the safe and hands a plate with a ham and an egg to Larry ] Ham and egg.
LARRY: [ walking off-camera ] Ham and egg!
MOE: [ taking out a plate of butter ] Butter!
[ Dissolve to the Stooges standing in front of a table with the food on it ]
MOE: The neighbors can’t see in; the shades are down! Ha, ha, ha!
[ The Stooges take off their jackets, then rub the NEEDLOCK APPLIANCE CORP. buttons on their shirts; Moe’s button has the number “13â€, Larry’s button has “6 7/8†and Curly’s button says “H2O†]
MOE: Oh, boy! If those Japs ever knew how many planes we turned out today, their yellow jaundice would turn green!
CURLY: Well, hurry, hurry! I can hardly wait!
LARRY: Yeah, quit stallin’! I’m so hungry, I can eat a horse.
MOE: Heh! What do you guys think you been eatin’ for the last month?
CURLY: Oh, no wonder every time I sneeze, I neigh like a horse! Ha, ha... [ suddenly sneezes, then neighs like a horse ] Nyuk, nyuk! [ waves at Moe ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] You make the coffee, porcupine. [ to Curly ] You slice some bread, empty skull. I’ll do the ham and eggs.
CURLY: Cabbage-head! And don’t forget -- divide everything up equally. [ waves his hand at Moe’s face, then snaps his fingers ]
MOE: Don’t worry; you’ll get what’s comin’ to ya.
CURLY: Well, hurry, hurry! I can hardly wait!
MOE: [ hitting Curly in the chest ] Relax! Rest a bit. You’re tired. [ fixes Curly in the knee-elbow-chin position ] Here. [ kicks Curly’s knee up, causing him to punch himself in the chin ]
CURLY: OHH HO HO! [ walks off-camera ]
LARRY: Hey, quit stallin’. I’m really hungry!
MOE: Oh, would you like to have a little bite? [ holds up a ham in front of Larry’s face ]
LARRY: Oh, yeah!
MOE: Close your eyes and open your mouth.
[ Larry follows Moe’s orders ]
MOE: [ slapping Larry ] Get out! [ puts the ham back on the plate ] C’mon, get busy!
[ Cut to Curly taking out a loaf of bread and beginning to slice it ]
[ Cut to Moe cooking the ham on a stove. He flips the ham in the pan three times, but during the third time, the ham flies backwards and off-camera. Moe looks around for the ham, then walks up to Larry, who’s opening a coffee pot ]
LARRY: Hot java! Ha!
MOE: Where’d ya hide that ham?
LARRY: What ham?!
MOE: Quit stallin’! C’mon! [ looks through Larry’s hair, then in the coffee pot ]
[ Cut back over to Curly, who unknowingly has the ham on top of his head. He picks the ham off of his head and smiles in delight when he sees it. He looks behind him to make sure that Moe and Larry aren’t looking, then cuts the bread in half and puts the ham in between. He puts the sandwich on a plate ]
CURLY: Oh, mustard!
[ Moe quietly sneaks over to Curly, who takes out a jar of mustard. Moe opens the ham sandwich, removes the top bread slice and ham, then lays his left hand on the bottom bread slice. Curly uses a knife and spreads mustard on Moe’s hand, mistaking it for ham. Moe grimaces in shock as Curly continues spreading mustard on his hand and arm, but still keeps quiet ]
CURLY: What a slice of ham! [ looks over and notices Moe’s face ] NYUH! [ putting the knife and mustard jar down ] I thought you was a ham! I never saw a slice of ham with fingers!
MOE: That’s alright, kid. [ scooping up the mustard off his left arm with his right hand ] Anybody can make a mistake.
CURLY: Oh, so you understand?
MOE: Oh, why certainly.
CURLY: Oh, thank you very much! Ha, ha, ha...
[ Moe slaps the mustard on his right hand onto Curly’s head ]
CURLY: OHHHH! HMMMM! RUFF!
MOE: [ holding the ham ] Clean this ham!
CURLY: I’ll clean it when I’m ready!!
MOE: Are ya ready?
CURLY: [ meekly ] Yeah, I’m ready!
[ Moe angrily walks off-camera as Curly walks over to the sink and begins washing the mustard off of his head ]
[ Cut over to Larry opening a boiling pot of water and taking a sniff. ]
LARRY: [ looking up in the air ] Ah! [ holds his head down close to the pot to take another sniff ]
[ Moe walks up to Larry and shoves his head in the boiling water ]
LARRY: OOH! [ crying and holding his nose in pain ] You burnt my little bugle!
MOE; I’ll break your bugle for ya!
[ Cut back to Curly, who has just finished washing the mustard off of his head. He takes the ham and washes it with soap, scrubs it against a washboard, dunks it into water, squeezes the water out of it, then lays it down on the counter and uses an iron to flatten it out. When he’s done, he holds the ham in his hands ]
CURLY: [ to Moe ] One slice of dry-cleaned ham, comin’ up!
[ Curly tosses the ham over to Moe, who catches it in the pan and starts cooking it. Curly then takes out a big loaf of bread and begins cutting around the loaf of bread in a spiral motion ]
CURLY: [ singing ] She was bred in old Kentucky
But she’s only a crumb up here
She’s knock-kneed and double-jointed
With a cauliflower ear
Someday we shall be married
And if vegetable get too dear
I’ll cut myself a nice big slice
Of her cauliflower ear
Cause that ain’t rationed...
[ Dissolve to Larry and Curly sitting at the dinner table and Moe laying down each of the Stooges’ plates of food ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] There we here... [ to himself ] There we are... [ to Curly ] And there we are. [ sits down ]
[ Cut to a close-up of Curly’s dinner plate, which has nothing but two eggshells and a bone ]
CURLY: [ off-camera ] HMM!
[ Cut back to the Stooges ]
CURLY: [ to Moe ] Wait a minute! Wait a minute! You said you were gonna divide everything equal!
MOE: Oh, ungrateful, eh?
CURLY: Yeah!
MOE: [ pointing to his and Larry’s plates ] We get a half a slice of ham and a half an egg apiece. [ pointing to Curly’s plate ] You get a whole bone and a whole eggshell, and you’re squawkin’!
CURLY: I’m sorry, Moe. Gee, you fellas are swell to me.
MOE: That’s more like it!
[ Curly picks up an eggshell and puts salt on it, then puts half of it in his mouth and begins reluctantly chewing it. After seeing that he likes the taste, he puts the other half of it in his mouth and continues chewing. ]
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk! [ looks over at Larry and waves ]
[ Curly tries swallowing the eggshells, but it gets stuck in his throat. After slapping himself on the head doesn’t help, he bangs his chest, and the eggshells finally go down his throat successfully and make a “plonk†sound. ]
[ Moe holds up a loaf of bread, but it’s all cut up in a spiral design thanks to Curly ]
CURLY: Oh! [ taking the loaf from Moe ] If I had my music, I could play it. [ pretends to play it like an accordion ]
[ Larry walks over to Curly and begins yodeling as Curly continues to play the loaf like an accordion ]
LARRY: [ singing ] Oh lee low oh lay hee
Oh lee low oh lay hee
Oh low hoo hoo oh low
Oh low...
[ After angrily staring at Curly and Larry for a while, Moe finally double-slaps them ]
CURLY AND LARRY: OHH!!
MOE: [ grabbing back the loaf of bread ] Gimme that!
CURLY: [ sticking out his tongue at Moe ] Mmm!
[ Moe reaches over and pours salt on Curly’s tongue ]
CURLY: AAH-AAH! [ looks down at his plate and picks up the bone ] Oh, a “boneyâ€! [ pours salt on the bone, then takes a bite out of it, causing a tooth to crack ] OWW! OOH! Oh, my tooth! [ stands up and holds his mouth in pain ] I broke a tooth! It’s killin’ me! Oh, my poor little, cute little, sweet little tooth! It’s killin’ me!
MOE: [ stands up ] Shaddap! Go to bed; in the morning, the pain will be gone! [ sits back down ]
CURLY: Hmm! [ picks up a bone ] This is your fault, you bonehead! RUFF! RUFF! [ throws the bone off-camera ]
MOE: [ off-camera ] OOH!
CURLY: [ looking at Moe ] NYAAAH-AAAH-AAAAH!
[ Cut to a close-up of Moe with the bone stuck over his right eye, making it look like he’s wearing a monocle ]
CURLY: [ holding the side of his face in pain and walks away from the table ] OOH! Oh, my tooth! It’s killin’ me! Ooh!
[ Moe and Larry get up from the table and follow Curly ]
MOE: I told ya to go to sleep, didn’t I?
CURLY: I can’t sleep when my tooth hurts!
MOE: I’ll fix that right now! [ stomps on Curly’s foot ]
CURLY: [ holding his foot in pain ] OOH! My foot! Ohh!
MOE: There, you see? Your toothache’s gone.
CURLY: [ holding the side of his face in pain again ] Oh, no, my tooth! [ holding his foot in pain ] Oh, my foot!
[ Larry kicks Curly in the behind ]
CURLY: Oh, my... [ holding the side of his face ] tooth!
MOE: Go on upstairs to bed! [ pushes Curly ]
CURLY: [ bumping into the door ] OOH! [ walks through the door ]
MOE: [ grabbing Larry by the hair ] You, too! [ pushing him to the door ] C’mon!
[ Dissolve to inside the Stooges’ bedroom. We see a triple bunk beds set; Moe is laying in the bottom bunk, Larry is in the middle bunk, and Curly is walking around in circles on the top bunk, with a towel wrapped around his head ]
CURLY: Ohh, my poor tooth! OHH! OHH!
LARRY: BE QUIET AND GO TO SLEEP!!
CURLY: How can I go to sleep with this tooth killin’ me?!
MOE: [ wearily ] Alright, come on down and we’ll fix it.
[ Curly begins climbing down the bunk beds. As he gets down to Larry’s bunk, he accidentally steps on Larry’s face ]
LARRY: OHHHHHHHH!!!
MOE: [ to himself ] I oughta bat...
[ Curly steps on Moe’s face as well while climbing down his bunk ]
MOE: OHHH! OH-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA!! OHH!
[ Moe and Larry angrily gets out of their bunks ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] You chuckle-head! Why don’t you look where you’re walkin’?!
CURLY: What do you expect me do have, eyes on my feet?!
[ Moe punches Curly in the stomach ]
CURLY: OHH! [ stepping up to Moe ] Listen, you!
MOE: [ angrily ] What?!
CURLY: [ painfully ] It’s my tooth that’s killin’ me!
MOE: [ looking in Curly’s mouth ] Lemme see... [ touches one of Curly’s teeth ] Is it there?
CURLY: [ with the knot on the top of the towel wrapped around his head twirling in pain ] NYAAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH- AAAAAH-AAAAAH! [ holding the side of his face in pain ] Ow- ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!
MOE: Alright, alright, alright! [ to Larry ] Get the hot water bottle, porcupine.
[ Larry walks off-camera ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] You get in my bed! [ takes the towel off of Curly’s head ]
[ Curly gets in the lower bunk and lays down ]
MOE: Get around here. [ giving Curly the blanket ] Cover up and stay over close to the wall. Here. [ pushing Curly closer to the wall ] Over close! [ lifts his head and accidentally hits it on the bunk bed above him ] OOH! Ooh! Ooh!
[ Larry returns, with a hot water bottle and a cork ]
LARRY: I got the bottle, but I couldn’t find the stopper. Here’s a cork that’ll fit. [ hands the bottle and cork to Moe ]
MOE: Okay, we’ll try it. [ stuff the cork in the water bottle opening ]
[ Larry tries to climb back up into the middle bunk, but he falls back and bumps into Moe ]
MOE: What’s the matter with you?!
LARRY: You’d better help me up.
MOE: [ putting the hot water bottle down ] A general nuisance here...
[ Moe holds open his hands and Larry puts a foot on it ]
MOE: Hike!
[ Moe lifts Larry up to the middle bunk and Larry hits his head on the top bunk ]
LARRY: OOH!!! [ crawls into the middle bunk ]
MOE: Get in here! [ grabbing back the hot water bottle ] Go to sleep!
LARRY: [ throwing something at Moe ] Ahh!
[ Moe crawls into the bottom bunk, where Curly is ]
CURLY: My poor tooth...
MOE: Aw, shaddap! [ laying the hot water bottle down next to Curly’s face ] Here, put your head on that hot water bottle.
CURLY: Sorta cheek-to-cheek?
MOE: [ closing his eyes and trying to sleep ] Yeah, cheek- to-cheek... Cheek-to-cheek...
CURLY: Ohh, my tooth, my tooth... [ puts his head on top of the hot water bottle, causing the cork to squeeze out and water to spray right in Moe’s face ]
MOE: BWAAAUUUUGH!!!!! [ pause ] GET OUTTA THIS BED!! GET OUTTA THIS BED!!
CURLY: [ crawling out of the bunk ] But my... [ falling out of the bunk ] Look out!
MOE: Get up in your own bed! Get up! [ whacks Curly on the head with the water bottle two times ]
CURLY: OHH! OHH!
[ Moe lays back down as Curly begins climbing up to the top bunk. Curly accidentally steps on Moe’s face again ]
MOE: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!! [ bites Curly’s foot ]
CURLY: [ screaming in Larry’s face ] YAAAAH-HOWW-HOWWW- HOWWW-HOWWWW-AAAH!
LARRY: SHUTUP!!!
CURLY: Help me up!
LARRY: Ah, it’s a pleasure to get rid of ya!
[ As Larry tries to help Curly up, Curly steps on Larry’s face again ]
LARRY: OWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!
[ Curly climbs up to the top bunk ]
CURLY: [ resting his head on the pillow ] Ohh...ohhh...my tooth...
[ Curly falls asleep and goes into a dream sequence. As his dream begins, he rises from his bed holding the side of his face in pain ]
CURLY: Oh, my tooth! Oh, my tooth! Feels like gremlins are “gremling†in it!
MOE: [ kindly ] Come on down and we’ll fix that tooth for ya right now.
[ Curly begins climbing down the bunk bed set. As he does, Larry peeks his head out from his bunk bed and gets it caught in between Curly’s legs, causing Curly to pull him down and crash into Moe, knocking them all down to the floor ]
ALL STOOGES: UHHHH!!!
[ The Stooges get up from the floor ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Numbskull, I’ll murder you!
CURLY: Oh, my poor tooth! Fix it!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Go get my fishing line!
[ Larry runs off-camera ]
CURLY: Is this gonna hurt?
MOE: Of course not; I won’t even feel it!
CURLY: Oh, thanks!
MOE: Open your mouth.
[ Dissolve to Moe tying the line to a fishing pole inside of Curly’s mouth, as Larry watches from behind Moe ]
MOE: There we are! Hold what you got now, kid. Everything will be alright in a second.
[ Moe takes the fishing pole and backs away a few feet, then tugs the line ]
CURLY: OHH!! [ running around the room in pain ] HMM!
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Shorten up on your line!
[ Moe pulls the fishing pole too far back, causing it to hit his head ]
MOE: OHH!
[ Larry walks over to Moe ]
LARRY: How is he; pretty heavy?
MOE: Yeah... [ slaps Larry ]
[ Moe continues yanking the fishing pole as Curly continues running around the room in pain, then drops on the floor and spins around like a top ]
[ Moe tugs the fishing pole too far back again, causing the line to break and the pole to fly back and hit Larry’s head ]
LARRY: [ holding his head in pain ] Ohhhh!! Hold my head up!
MOE: [ looking at the fishing line ] Broke! How do ya like that?! The biggest one I ever had, and he got away!
LARRY: This is not gonna work!
[ Moe looks down at the ground, then gets an idea ]
MOE: I’ve got a better idea! I got it!
CURLY: Every time you “got itâ€, I "get itâ€!
MOE: [ grabbing Larry by the hair ] C’mere, “Mastermindâ€! You go out of that door and when I say “Goâ€, open it. That’s all!
LARRY: [ walking off-camera ] Okay.
MOE: Have no fear. [ tugs the wire tied to Curly’s tooth ]
CURLY: OW-OWW! OOH!!
MOE: Alright, come over here, “Man-o-warâ€. [ pulls Curly by the string tied to his tooth while walking to the door ]
CURLY: [ following Moe ] AAH-AAH-AAH-AAH!!
[ As Moe and Curly arrive at the door, Moe ties the end of the string to the doorknob ]
MOE: This is the way we do things right! [ to Curly ] Alright? [ to Larry, who’s behind the closed door ] Go!
[ Larry pushes open the door opens and it hits Curly in the head ]
CURLY: OOH! OH! OHH! OHH!! [ to Moe ] You almost broke my skull; you’re supposed to pull my tooth!
MOE: Take it easy kid, I’m sorry. Just back up. [ places Curly in front of the door ] Alright?
CURLY: Right!
[ Moe pushes the door closed, but instead of the string pulling out Curly’s tooth, the doorknob gets pulled out of the door instead. Curly opens his eyes and looks down at the swinging doorknob at the end of the string ]
CURLY: WOO! Look at that tooth! It’s a whopper! [ looks at the long screw behind the knob ] And look at that root! Say, if I belonged to the Elks, I’d wear this on my watch chain...if I had a watch chain!
MOE: You pumpkin’-head! That’s not your tooth...that’s the doorknob!
CURLY: Oh! No wonder my tooth still hurts me... [ holding the side of his face in pain ] OHH!! OH! My poor little, sweet little, adorable, lovable, sweet little, bushy-wushy tooth!
LARRY: Listen -- we gotta get that tooth out, or we’ll never get to sleep!
MOE: [ snapping his fingers ] I got it!
CURLY: [ wearily ] Again?!
MOE: This idea will revolutionize dentistry!
CURLY: I never knew this would start a revolution!
[ Dissolve to Curly standing on top of a ladder while Moe, on the other side of the ladder, ties the end of Curly’s tooth string to a chandelier; Larry is holding the ladder in place ]
MOE: You got nothin’ to worry about, kid. See? Tie this up here like that. [ finishes tying the string to the chandelier ] Now, when I say “threeâ€, all you gotta do is jump off the ladder -- your tooth comes out -- [ snaps finger ] like that!
CURLY: Somethin’ tells me I shouldn’t do this!
MOE: [ patting Curly on the head ] Aw, don’t be nervous. [ climbs down the ladder ] Okay, watch for my countin’. [ walks over next to Larry ] Ready -- One...two...
LARRY: Two and a half!
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Quiet! [ pause ] Three!
[ Curly jumps down the ladder, but instead of the chandelier pulling his tooth out, he pulls down the chandelier and it falls on his head, knocking him down to the ground, followed by cracked pieces from the ceiling falling down on his face and in his mouth ]
CURLY: OHH! UGH! OHH-HO-HO! [ more ceiling pieces fall on his face ] AAUUUGH!! [ sits up and feels the cracked ceiling pieces in his mouth ] It’s out! [ pulls out a ceiling piece, mistaking it for his bad tooth ] You got it! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha... [ pulls out another ceiling piece ] You got another one! Ha, ha, ha, ha... [ spits out the rest of the ceiling pieces in his mouth ] [ angrily ] You got ‘em all! You got me baldheaded in the mouth! [ stands up and walks over to Moe and Larry ] Why, you!
[ Curly throws the chandelier towards Moe and Larry as they run out of the way, but the string still tied to from his tooth to the chandelier causes him to get pulled along with the flying chandelier, and he crashes into the ground ]
CURLY: OOH! Oh, my tooth! [ stands up ]
MOE: What’s the matta?
CURLY: I’m through... [ flips his hand on top of his head, then waves it in Moe’s face ] definitely!
MOE: Alright, then you go to the dentist.
CURLY: Oh, no! Please, no! Not that! Ohh!
LARRY: [ whispering to Moe ] Hey, why don’t we blast?
MOE: [ whispering ] With what?
LARRY: [ whispering ] I still got a giant firecracker from the 4th of July!
MOE: [ whispering ] At last, you got a hunk of brain!
LARRY: [ whispering ] Yeah? Where’d I get it?
MOE: [ whispering ] Never mind! Go on!
[ Larry runs off-camera ]
CURLY: [ to Moe ] What is he gonna do now?
MOE: Take it easy. Relax. It’ll be over in a flash!
[ Larry returns with a firecracker ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Close your eyes and open your mouth.
CURLY: But remember -- this is the last time! [ closes his eyes and opens his mouth ]
MOE: [ taking Larry’s firecracker ] You said it! [ places the firecracker in Curly’s open mouth like a cigar ] Close.
[ Curly closes his mouth ]
[ Larry helps Moe start a lighter, then Moe lights the firecracker in Curly’s mouth with it. Moe and Larry run off-camera. Curly opens his eyes and notices the firecracker in his mouth ]
CURLY: NYAAAH-AAAAH! [ throws the firecracker off-camera ]
[ Cut over to Moe and Larry standing by the door, with their backs turned on Curly and with their fingers plugged in their ears, in anticipation of the firecracker going off. The firecracker stick that Curly just threw lands in the back of Moe’s pajama pants ]
CURLY: Hey, Moe!
MOE: Shaddap!
CURLY: [ looking away and covering his eyes ] AAAH-AAAH!
MOE: Shaddap!
[ As Curly looks back over at Moe, the firecracker explodes, leaving a big hole in the seat of Moe''s pants and a lot of smoke coming out of it ]
MOE: OWWWWWWWWWW!!!! OHH!! OHH-OHH-OHH-OHH!! [ sits down on the floor and drags his behind all over it ] OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW-OW!!
[ Fade-out ]
[ Fade-in to a close-up of an office door that reads:
“Y. TUG and A. YANK
DENTISTS
DDS. Ph.D C.O.D
F.O.B. P.D.Q.†]
[ Larry walks up to the door ]
LARRY: [ to Moe and Curly off-camera ] This is it.
[ Larry walks inside the door, followed by Moe and Curly; Moe is behind Curly, holding Curly’s arm behind him and leading him inside the room ]
CURLY: I’m not afraid! I’m not afraid! [ a beat ] What a liar I am!
[ The Stooges walk up to the secretary’s desk, where the secretary is talking on the phone ]
SECRETARY: Hello, Mrs. Smith? Dr. Tug wants to know when your husband is coming in to have those other teeth pulled.
[ Cut over to Curly making a nervous expression ]
SECRETARY: [ off-camera ] Oh, he died after the last extraction.
[ Curly quickly heads towards the door, but Moe walks up to him and pulls him back over]
CURLY: HMMM!
[ Moe forces Curly to sit down in a chair, then he sits down on the chair beside Curly ]
PATIENT: [ off-camera ] OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
CURLY: [ falling out of his chair in fear ] NYAAAH-AAAAH- AAAAH-AAAAH!
[ Moe helps Curly back into his seat as the patient storms out of the dentist’s room while holding the side of his face in pain. The dentist runs out after him ]
DR. TUG: Hey, wait a minute! I’m not through yet!
PATIENT: Oh, yes you are! Say, what did you do before you became a dentist?!
DR. TUG: Why...uh...I-I was a butcher.
CURLY: [ with his hat flying up in shock ] NYAAAH-AAAH- AAAAH!! [ grabs his hat back down ]
PATIENT: [ to Dr. Tug ] As far as I’m concerned, you’re still one! [ angrily leaves ]
[ Dr. Tug turns over to Moe and Curly ]
DR. TUG: Right this way, gentlemen.
[ Curly stands up from his chair, then holds his arm in position behind his back. Moe angrily grabs his arm and forcefully leads him inside the dentist’s room. As they enter the room, Moe and Curly take off their hats, then Curly sits down in patient’s chair ]
MOE: Look, doc, we’re defense workers. If you want to cut down on absenteeism, yank this guy’s tooth [ pointing to Curly ]! He won’t let us sleep; he’s sabotaging the war effort! Whaddaya say?
DR. TUG: Why, it’d be a pleasure!
[ Cut to Larry standing next to the secretary’s desk, trying to flirt with the secretary ]
LARRY: Say, sugar, how’d you like to come over to my house tonight and see my coffee?
SECRETARY: [ angry ] Fresh!
LARRY: Oh, yeah, ground today!
[ Cut back to the dentist room ]
DR. TUG: Just a minute, now. [ grabs a needle and holds it in front of Curly’s face ]
CURLY: WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA-WA...
[ Moe puts his hand over Curly’s mouth to shut him up ]
DR. TUG: I-I just want to test your tooth for sensitivity. Come on, now open your mouth.
[ Curly refuses to open his mouth, but Moe opens Curly’s mouth for him ]
CURLY: YUUH!
DR. TUG: That’s it! [ touching the needle around Curly’s mouth ] Now let’s see...
CURLY: OWWWWWWW!!! [ gets up from the chair ] OHH! [ to Moe ] He cut me with that knife! He’s a butcher, I tell ya; I heard the other fella say so! [ trying to get away, but Moe and Dr. Tug grab him back ] Get out! Get outta my way!
[ Moe and Dr. Tug forcefully get Curly to sit back down ]
CURLY: [ trying to get back up ] Let me get outta here! Let me get outta here!!
DR. TUG: You can’t get outta here!
MOE: [ slaps Curly ] Sit down!
DR. TUG: [ breathlessly ] There! [ to Moe ] You calm him down while I go and consult with my partner, Dr. Yank! [ leaves ]
CURLY: No! No! Oh, me! Oh, my! Oh, woe is me!!
MOE: You’re a coward! You’ve got nothin’ to be afraid of. [ pulls Curly out of the patient’s chair ] Step aside; I’ll show ya. [ sits down in the chair ] Sit in the chair and be calm. Relax.
[ Cut over to Dr. Tug in a room with Dr. Yank ]
DR. TUG: That screwy patient needs his first-right bicuspid extracted.
DR. YANK: So what?
DR. TUG: He got me so worn out from fighting with him, I haven’t got the strength to do it! You take him.
DR. YANK: Alright. I’ll fix it. [ pours ether onto a napkin ]
[ Cut back to Moe and Curly ]
MOE: ...you relax in the chair and close your eyes like this [ closes his eyes ] -- then you won’t see what he’s doin’.
[ Dr. Yank walks in the room and, thinking that Moe is the patient, slowly approaches towards him from behind ]
DR. YANK: [ to Curly ] Shh!
MOE: And before you know it, it’s all over. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha...
[ Dr. Yank approaches Moe and holds the napkin with ether over Moe’s mouth ]
MOE: [ jerking his legs around ] MMPH!
CURLY: Hey, doc, there’s somethin’ I oughta tell ya...
DR. YANK: Not now! Now now!
CURLY: But you don’t understand...
DR. YANK: Hand me that towel!
[ Moe gets knocked out and stops jerking his legs ]
CURLY: Doc, listen...
DR. YANK: Quiet! Please do as I say; I’ve got to work fast!
CURLY: [ handing him the towel ] Here.
[ Dr. Yank wraps the towel under Moe’s chin, then enters forceps in Moe’s mouth and begins pulling his tooth out as Curly looks on in horror ]
CURLY: Ohh! [ pours a glass of water in his face, then makes swimming motions with his arms as if he’s underwater ]
[ Dr. Yank pulls out Moe’s tooth successfully ]
CURLY: NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAH!!
DR. YANK: [ looking at the forceps with Moe’s tooth in between it ] Ah! There it is! A perfect extraction! [ handing the forceps to Curly ] Here, hold that for a second.
[ Curly takes the forceps, then looks at Moe’s tooth on it and slaps his face in shock ]
CURLY: NYUH!
DR. YANK: I’ll be right back. [ walks towards the door ]
CURLY: Say, doc, he’s not the patient; I am!
DR. YANK: [ does a double-take ] Ohh! [ quickly leaves ]
[ Moe comes back to and works his tongue around inside his mouth and realizes that he’s missing a tooth. He then looks over at Curly, who’s holding the forceps with his tooth on it, and thinks that it was Curly who pulled his tooth. Curly nervously smiles as Moe looks over at him ]
MOE: Why, you numbskull! [ gets out of the chair and walks over to Curly ]
CURLY: But, Moe...
MOE: You double-crossin’ rat, you! Pullin’ my tooth when my back is turned! [ punches Curly in the stomach, causing his body to bend forward ]
CURLY: OOH!
[ Moe bops Curly on the head, causing his body to stand straight up ]
CURLY: OOH! I get...
[ Moe punches Curly in the face repeatedly. As Curly begins swinging his arms around trying to defend himself, the dream sequence ends, and we see a sleepwalking Curly standing on his bed and swinging his arms around. He then drops down into the bed and crashes down through all three bunk beds, pinning Moe on the bottom and Larry in the middle. ]
CURLY: [ waking up ] Where am I???
[ Moe and Larry poke their heads out from the “bunk-beds sandwich" ]
CURLY: What are you doin’ down there? What happened???
MOE: Nothin’, yet... [ punches Curly in the jaw ]
CURLY: OOH! OOH! OHH... [ spits out his bad tooth and holds it in his hand ] Look! You knocked my tooth out!
MOE: Good! Now maybe we can get some sleep.
CURLY: Good night!
MOE AND LARRY: [ angrily ] Good night!
[ The Stooges lay down on their mattresses and fall asleep. They begin snoring in random order, then snore like the sound of a train ]
[ THE END ]
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