Great Movie Comedians, The (From Charlie Chaplin to Woody Allen)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-06-21
GENTS IN A JAM
[ The short opens up inside of an apartment that looks as if it’s being repainted. Shemp and Larry are sitting on the floor in front of a couch, sleeping and snoring very loudly. They each have their hand on a paintbrush that’s laying in a bucket of paint in front of them. ]
LARRY: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
SHEMP: Nee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee!
LARRY: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
SHEMP: Nee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee!
LARRY: ZZZZZZZ
SHEMP: Nee-bee-bee-bee!
[ Moe enters the scene and notices Shemp and Larry sleeping when they both are supposed to be painting ]
MOE: Oh, a couple of sleepin’ beauties, eh? Come on, wake up!
[ Shemp and Larry are still asleep. Moe crouches down closer to their faces. ]
MOE: Come on, you slugs!! Get up!!
[ Shemp and Larry are still asleep. Moe looks off-camera at nothing and lets out a loud wolf-whistle. Shemp and Larry immediately wake up and stand to their feet. ]
LARRY AND SHEMP: [ both looking around ] Where’s the girl??? Where’d she go??? Where--
MOE: Now look, you termites! I was lucky to get this decoratin’ job from the landlady. She’d have tossed us out on the scones if I hadn’t talked her into letting us pay our rent this way. [ yelling ] Come on, get busy!!
SHEMP: Alright!
[ Shemp and Larry pick up their paint buckets as the landlady, Mrs. McGruder enters the apartment. Moe walks over to her. ]
MOE: Oh, we’ll have your apartment fixed up in a jiffy, Mrs. McGruder.
MRS. MCGRUDER: I hope so. These furnishings cost a pretty penny, you know. I wouldn’t want anything to happen to them.
MOE: No, we’ll--
[ Moe looks behind him and notices Shemp stirring a paint bucket around with a paintbrush. Paint ends up spilling out from the bucket and all over the carpet around it. Moe gets angry, then rushes Mrs. McGruder out of the apartment before she notices. ]
MOE: [ clears his throat ] Now, don’t worry, Mrs. McGruder. Just relax and it’s all done - will you be surprised!
MRS. MCGRUDER: [ shouting back at him down the hallway ] Well, I hope so!
[ Moe closes the door, then walks over to Shemp. Shemp is pouring turpentine into the already-filled bucket of paint, causing the bucket to overflow even more and spill more paint onto the carpet. ]
MOE: Look at that rug! Why doncha watch what you’re doin’?! [ slaps Shemp with his paintbrush ] CLEAN IT UP!!
SHEMP: Alright, alright!
[ Moe walks away as Shemp cleans the spilled paint with a rag ]
SHEMP: [ mumbling to himself ] Always dumpin’ somebody! “Clean it up! Clean it up!”
[ Moe walks over to a side of a wall and begins painting from the top. Larry comes from the other side of the same wall, painting from the bottom. He unknowingly paints over Moe’s shoe. Moe stops painting and makes an angry expression. Larry paints up the wall quickly, and raises his brush too high and slaps Moe right in the face. ]
LARRY: I’m sorry, Moe! I didn’t mean it! It was an accident!
[ Moe slaps Larry across the face with his paintbrush, getting paint all over Larry’s face. ]
MOE: Aw, shaddup!! [ slaps more paint on Larry’s nose ] What’s the matter with you?!?
[ Larry spits some paint out from his mouth, and begins cleaning his face off with a rag. ]
MOE: Take your tonsils out one of these days!
[ Moe takes a rag and begins cleaning his own face, before he looks over at Shemp and stops. Shemp is painting the wall area around a radio that’s placed in front of the wall. Shemp carefully tries to make sure not to get paint on the radio. ]
MOE: Hey, imbecile!
[ Shemp stops painting, and looks over at Moe ]
MOE: Move da radio!!
SHEMP: Ohhh, move it!
LARRY: [ to Moe ] Stupid, ain’t he? Ha, ha, ha!
MOE: Look who’s talkin’! [ slaps paint across Larry’s face with the brush again ] Get outta here!!
[ Shemp picks up the radio and starts to walk away with it, but struggles because a wire on the radio is attached to an antenna outside of the building on the roof. The more Shemp struggles and struggles to pull the wire, the more the antenna bends. Shemp manages to get the radio over to the table, but as soon as he let’s go of the radio, the wire pulls it backwards and sends it crashing out a closed window. ]
[ Moe and Larry stop painting when they hear the noise. As all the Stooges rush over to the broken window, they can hear the radio playing music very loudly. ]
MOE: [ pushing Shemp away ] Outta my way!
[ Moe reaches outside the broken window and pulls the radio back in. It’s broken apart and many pieces of it are hanging loose, yet the music still plays very loudly. Moe touches one part of the radio and gets an electric buzz. ]
MOE: AAAAAAAHHHH!!!! Hmmm!!
[ Moe places the radio on the floor and puts a blanket over it, then stomps on top of it several times. The music, however, still plays. ]
MOE: Nyuuuhhhhh!
[ Moe picks back up the radio ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] Get a bucket of water - we’ll drown it!
[ Shemp is too busy listening and moving his finger to the loud music to understand what Moe said ]
SHEMP: [ to Larry ] What’d he say???
MOE: [ yelling in Larry’s ear ] GET A BUCKET OF WATER - WE’LL DROWN IT!!!
LARRY: [ yelling in Shemp’s ear ] GET A BUCKET OF WATER - WE’LL DROWN IT!!!
SHEMP: [ rubbing his ear in pain ] Alright! [ exits ]
[ Moe is holding the radio, trying to find another way to turn it off ]
LARRY: Wait a minute! [ touching some buttons on the radio ] See if I can get the 8th Race!
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Get away from here!!! “8th Race”!
LARRY: I had a sure winner!
MOE: Yeah, 50 cent parlay player. [ kicks Larry ] Get away from here!
[ Shemp walks in the kitchen and picks up a bucket. He puts the bucket under the right faucet in the sink and turns the faucet on. Loud rumbling noises from inside the sink are heard and no water comes out. Shemp moves the bucket over to under the left faucet and turns it on, but the same thing happens - a loud rumbling sound and no water. ]
[ Disappointed, Shemp takes the bucket out of the sink. As he turns his back to walk away, both faucets suddenly stop rumbling and spray out water. Shemp turns around and notices this, then walks back up to the sink. As soon as he puts the bucket under the right faucet again, the water suddenly stops and the loud rumbling resumes. The same thing happens again when he shifts the bucket over to under the left faucet, then under the right faucet again.]
SHEMP: What’s goin’ on here?!?
[ Shemp angrily takes the bucket out of the sink and begins to walk away again. When he turns his back, the left faucet stops rumbling and sprays water. Shemp quickly rushes over to the sink and puts the bucket under the left faucet, but the water stops once again. ]
SHEMP: Oh, yeah?!! [ smashes a dish on the faucet ] A wiseguy, huh?! That’ll fix you! That’ll kill ya for a while!
[ Shemp grabs his bucket and begins to leave, but keeps turning back to see when the water will turn on again. Finally, the right faucet sprays water. ]
SHEMP: Oh, no! You ain’t gonna get me this time!
[ Shemp ducks down on the floor and crawls over below the sink, then sneaks up on it. As soon as he puts his bucket under the right faucet, the water stops once again. ]
SHEMP: Ohh!! [ whacks the faucet twice with a mallet ] A wiseguy!!
[ Shemp accidentally whacks the faucet upside-down, causing water to spray right into his face. Shemp grabs the faucet, and then holds his bucket upside down over the faucet as if the bucket and hold water that way. Then he struggles with the faucet for a few seconds and turns it back down the right way. Unfortunately, the water has also stopped spraying from it. ]
SHEMP: How do ya like that?!! Oh, yeah?!
[ Shemp back up a few feet from the sink, then angrily throws his bucket above at the cabinets. The bucket bounces off of the cabinets and flies across the room, hitting Moe right on the head as he enters the kitchen with the radio. Moe pauses for a while, then walks right over to Shemp and the sink. ]
SHEMP: Moe, please forgive me! It was purely accidental, I assure you!
MOE: Mmm-hmm.
[ Moe gently knocks on the right faucet a few times with his hand, and the water suddenly comes out of it like normal. ]
SHEMP: What do you know? It works! Ha, ha!
[ Moe grabs a dish and washes it under the faucet ]
MOE: Yeah, it works!! [ smashes the dish on Shemp’s head ]
SHEMP: OOH! OHH! OHH! OHHHH!!!
[ Moe dumps the radio into the water in the sink, and the radio suddenly begins making strange sounds. ]
RADIO: [ bubbling under the water ] HELLLLLP!!! HELLLLLLP!!! You got me! Ohhhh!
[ Moe and Shemp look at each other with frightened expressions ]
[ The scene ends, and the next scene begins with the Stooges packing up a big suitcase trunk ]
SHEMP: Well… here we go again. [ puts a toothbrush inside the trunk ]
LARRY: Yeah… I wish that old battle-ax would’ve thrown us out before we did all that work.
MOE: Shut up and finish packing!
LARRY: How come you give all the orders around here?!
MOE: Because I got all the brains around here! Any objections?
LARRY: Yea--
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Objections overruled!
[ Shemp walks up with a yo-yo and roller skate in his hands ]
MOE: You finished packin’?
SHEMP: Just these few things right here. [ puts the yo-yo and skate in the trunk ]
MOE: [ sarcastically ] We need those in there! [ yelling ] Lock ‘er up!!
SHEMP: Alright!
[ Shemp and Larry try to close the trunk shut, but it’s too full ]
MOE: Wait a minute, you’re gettin’ no place. Let a guy do it that knows how - spread out!!
[ Moe stands a few feet in front of the trunk, while Larry and Shemp look at each other and point to their own heads ]
MOE: Now, when I bounce it shut, you guys snap the lock.
SHEMP AND LARRY: Right!!
[ Moe runs a few feet backwards, then jumps on top of the suitcase trunk and sits on it. Shemp and Larry quickly snap the trunk lock shot, but it shuts on Moe’s behind. ]
MOE: OHHHHHHOOO!!! OHHHHHHHHOOHOOHOOHHHHH!! UNLOCK IT!! UNLOCK IT!!!
LARRY: What’s the matter, Moe?!?
MOE: Don’t ask any foolish questions!! Get the key!!
LARRY: The key! Get the--
[ Larry and Shemp both run forward and bump right into each other ]
SHEMP: Look out there, will ya?!?
MOE: Come on, will ya?!! Where’s the key?!!
SHEMP: In the trunk!
MOE: [ slaps Shemp ] Come onnnnn!! Hurry up!!
SHEMP: [ holding his head ] Wait a minute, somebody threw a brick here!
[ Larry grabs a knife ]
LARRY: I got it! I got it, Moe!
[ Larry reaches over and is almost about to start cutting Moe out from the trunk with the knife ]
MOE: Okay… [ a beat ] WAIT A MINUTE!!!! It’s got me, too!! OHHHH!!!
SHEMP: [ to Larry ] Grab him!
LARRY: I’ll get it there!
[ Shemp and Larry pull Moe by the arms, and then lift their foot to push the trunk backwards ]
SHEMP: Go ahead! Go ahead! Go ahead, a little harder!!
[ The back of Moe’s pants rips loose from the trunk and Shemp and Larry let go of Moe, sending Moe running off-screen ]
MOE: WHOAAAAAAA!!!!
[ A loud crashing noise is heard off-screen and Shemp and Larry jump. They run over to Moe, who is piled under a table, lamp, and chair. ]
MOE: Ohhhhhhh-ohhh-ohhh!! Get it off!!
[ Shemp and Larry remove all the furniture off of Moe, then help him up. ]
SHEMP: I gotcha, right there.
[ They all discover a telegram man laying unconscious in the doorway right where Moe crashed. He holds a telegram in his hand. ]
SHEMP: Ohh, telegram! [ takes the telegram from the man ] Thank you! [ to Larry ] Larry - the dime!
[ Larry grumbles angrily to himself, then pulls out a dime from his pocket and hands it to the unconscious telegram man as Moe is helping the man up. Larry gives Moe a hand with him. ]
MOE: Here you are, boy.
LARRY: Now, get up there.
[ They stand the telegram man up and sent him out the door ]
LARRY: [ pointing down the hallway ] Telegraph office is four blocks that way.
MOE: Next time, ring the doorbell. [ closes the door ]
[ Larry and Moe walk over to Shemp, who’s reading the telegram ]
SHEMP: It’s from my Uncle Phineas - he’s comin’ to visit me. He says he can stay two weeks.
MOE: Oh, he can?!? [ angrily ] Two whole weeks!
LARRY: But we’re so broke, we can’t even feed ourselves!
MOE: Let ‘im go sponge on somebody else!
SHEMP: Sure, let him stay at a hotel - he can afford it. He’s got 6 million bucks.
MOE: Sure, why should we--
[ Moe and Larry do a double-take ]
MOE: 6 million bucks?!??
LARRY: And he’s your uncle?!?
SHEMP: Yes.
MOE: We can’t let our Uncle Phineas stay at a hotel!
LARRY: Soitenly not!
SHEMP: But you said--
MOE: Never mind what I said! Our Uncle Phineas stays right here!
SHEMP: But, Moe--
MOE: Haven’t you got any family loyalty? Why shouldn’t he stay here?
SHEMP: Well… we were thrown out to the landlady, weren’t we? Remember?
LARRY: Oh, yeah.
MOE: That’s right.
LARRY: I wonder if Uncle Phineas would like to sleep on a park bench.
MOE: Wait a minute! Mrs. McGruder can’t evict us at a time like this! We’ll talk to the old battle-ax! We’ll explain the situation to her!
[ Shemp and Larry nod in agreement and smile ]
MOE: [ pulls Shemp by the sleeve ] Go on!
SHEMP: Oh, no! [ stands closer to Larry ] We’re scared of her!
[ Mrs. McGruder enters the apartment and looks down in surprise at the furniture scattered all over the floor. She overhears Moe speaking to Shemp and Larry. ]
MOE: Scared?!? Of a woman?!? I’ll tell that bitty a thing or two or three! Now, where does she come off to with that frog-face?!? I’ll tell her! Women!
[ Mrs. McGruder gets shocked, then she angrily folds her arms across her chest and continues listening to Moe ]
MOE: I tame ‘em like Frank Buck tames tigers! [ pinches Larry on the cheek ] Sometimes I’m kind to ‘em… sometimes I [ slaps Larry on the forehead ] CRACK! the whip and make ‘em jump!!
[ Shemp and Larry both look over and notice Mrs. McGruder standing in the doorway behind Moe ]
MOE: Listen - when I give her that sweet-talking stuff, she’ll probably wind up giving me the apartment rent-free!
LARRY: But, Moe--
MOE: [ slaps Larry and Shemp ] Aw… QUIET!! Charm - that’s the ticket! Women swoon when I turn on the old personality!
[ Shemp and Larry wave to Mrs. McGruder ]
MOE: [ slaps Larry’s hand down ] Stop wavin’!!
[ Mrs. McGruder walks closer behind Moe ]
MOE: [ points to his chest ] Women are romantic way down in here. Take Mrs. McGruder--
LARRY: You take her!
SHEMP: You got her!
[ Mrs. McGruder yanks the back of Moe’s hair ]
MRS. MCGRUDER: You worm!! You miserable creature!!
MOE: Now, wait a minute, Mrs. McGruder! Look! [ grabs Shemp’s telegram ] Shemp’s uncle’s comin’ here. Worth 6 million bucks!
MRS. MCGRUDER: [ grabs the telegram ] Huh! A likely story! [ looks at the telegram ] Phineas Bowman…
MOE: Mrs. McGruder, you want your back rent, don’t ya?
LARRY: Yeah, and if Uncle Phineas stays with Shemp, he’ll probably make him his sole heir!
MRS. MCGRUDER: [ wondering aloud to herself ] Phineas Bowman…
LARRY: [ trying to get Mrs. McGruder’s attention ] His sole heir - Shemp!
MRS. MCGRUDER: Alright, you can stay. But if you give me one more bit of trouble, out you go!!
LARRY: Oh, no, Mrs. Battle-Ax!
MRS. MCGRUDER: What?!?
LARRY: I mean--
SHEMP: No, no, Mrs. Bitty!
MOE: They mean Mrs. Dragon!
MRS. MCGRUDER: WHAT?!?
LARRY: Ohh… McGruder! Yeah--
[ Mrs. McGruder triple-slaps the Stooges, then exits the apartment ]
MOE: That is a battle-ax!
LARRY: Yeah, I was right!
MOE: [ grabs Larry by the hair ] What’d ya start it for?!?
SHEMP: [ to Moe ] You said deep down! Deep down!
MOE: [ slaps Shemp ] Come on, already!
[ The scene ends, and the next scene begins inside the kitchen. Shemp is pouring flour into a big bowl. Moe walks over to Larry. ]
MOE: You go in and clean up the bedroom. We want everything spic-and-span when Uncle Phineas gets here.
LARRY: [ whining ] Aww, why do I always have to clean up the bed--
[ Moe grabs a rolling pin from the counter and holds it up in front of Larry ]
MOE: You were about to say???
LARRY: [ gulps ] We want everything spic-and-span when Uncle Phineas gets here!
MOE: Right. Then get with it!
[ Larry walks behind Moe, then sticks out his tongue behind Moe’s head. Without looking, Moe swings the rolling pin backwards and whacks Larry on the head. ]
LARRY: Ooomph!! [ exits the kitchen ]
[ Moe piles several dishes from the counter on top of each other. Meanwhile, Shemp picks up to eggs and holds them over the big bowl, then crunches the eggs together in his hands, letting the yolk fall into the bowl. He then drops the cracked eggshells into the bowl as well. Then he picks up the flour mixer and adds some flour in the bowl. ]
SHEMP: [ looking at the cooking book ] Let’s see now… [ reading ] “A teaspoon full of vanilla”. [ looks around for the vanilla bottle, then sees it in front of him ] Oh. [ looks at the bottle label ] “Vanilla”.
[ Shemp tries to open the bottle top, but he can’t. So he holds the bottle top on the side of the table and slams the table hard to get the bottle top off. In doing so, he accidentally sends the other end of the table flying upwards, launching the big mixing bowl in the air. The bowl lands right on top of Moe’s head, getting dough all in his hair. ]
MOE: OHHHHHHHH!!!!
[ Moe throws the bowl off his head and on to the floor. Then he walks over to Shemp, who has a fearful expression on his face. ]
MOE: [ grabs the vanilla bottle from Shemp ] You imbecile! Don’t you know how to open a bottle?!! [ slaps Shemp ]
SHEMP: OOOWWWWWW!!!
[ As Shemp yells with his mouth open, Moe places the bottle on Shemp’s bottom lip, then violently slaps the bottle down, yanking the bottle top off. Shemp holds his bottom lip in pain, then Moe sprays some vanilla into Shemp’s face. ]
MOE: Now you go on - mix another cake while I get cleaned up! [ exits the kitchen ]
SHEMP: [ holding his bottom lip ] Ohhhhhhh!! Ohhh!! Lucky for him that I was in the midst of makin’ a cake! I’d fix him!
[ Shemp grabs another bowl and then looks at the cooking book ]
SHEMP: [ reading ] “Upside-down cake”. [ begins to hold the bowl upside-down ] Ups--
[ A knock is heard on the apartment door outside the kitchen. Shemp takes off his apron. ]
SHEMP: Oh! Uncle Phineas!
[ Shemp walks out of the kitchen and cleans off his face as he goes up to the front door. He opens the door and looks out the hallway. ]
SHEMP: Uncle Phineas! Come right in!
[ Shemp pulls a woman in from the hallway. ]
SHEMP: I was just wait-- [ does a double-take ] Wait a minute! You’re not Uncle Phineas!
MRS. DUGGAN: No, I’m not. I’m your new neighbor, Mrs. Duggan. I-I just moved in down the hall.
SHEMP: [ coyly ] Oh. Hello!
MRS. DUGGAN: I was wondering if I could borrow a cup of sugar. Well, you know how it is when you move - you always forget something.
SHEMP: Oh, soitenly! Soitenly! [ walks towards the kitchen ] Follow me! Just follow me, come on! Right in here!
[ Mrs. Duggan follows Shemp into the kitchen, and Shemp begins pouring sugar into a cup for Mrs. Duggan ]
SHEMP: Duggan… Duggan… [ shakes head ] I know that name from somewhere.
MRS. DUGGAN: Well, you must’ve heard of my husband - Rocky Duggan?
SHEMP: The big guy? That goes around tearin’ telephone books in half???
MRS. DUGGAN: That’s right! He’s the strongest man in the world!
SHEMP: Oh, you think that’s somethin’? [ flexes his left arm ] Feel this!
[ Mrs. Duggan touches Shemp’s arm muscle ]
SHEMP: [ jokingly ] Ohh, ohh! Not so hard! [ smiles ]
[ Mrs. Duggan laughs and takes the cup of sugar from Shemp ]
MRS. DUGGAN: Thank you.
SHEMP: You’re welcome.
[ As Mrs. Duggan turns to leave the kitchen, she steps on a mixing bowl with dough on the floor from earlier in the short and slips down on the floor ]
MRS. DUGGAN: AAHH!
[ Shemp reaches over to help Mrs. Duggan ]
SHEMP: Oh! Upsa-daisy! Upsa-daisy!
[ As Shemp lifts Mrs. Duggan up, he unknowingly steps on her skirt, causing it to rip off as she stands up ]
MRS. DUGGAN: AAAHH!! Now look what you’ve done!!
SHEMP: I’m sorry, lady! I’m sorry!
[ Shemp picks up the skirt and tries to put it back around Mrs. Duggan’s waist. Mrs. Duggan stops him by slapping him on the face. ]
SHEMP: OOH!
[ Larry enters the kitchen ]
LARRY: Hey!! What’s goin’ on here???
SHEMP: Oh, it was an accident, Larry! I’ll pay for the dress!
MRS. DUGGAN: Look, if my husband sees me like this, all you’ll pay for is hospital bills!
SHEMP: Oh, that’s all right - I got insurance! [ does a double-take ]
[ Moe enters the kitchen ]
SHEMP: Oh, Moe! Her husband tears telephone books in half!
MRS. DUGGAN: And people, too!
LARRY: We’d better get her outta here!
MOE: Fine goes on… [ to Larry ] Larry, get a robe!
[ Larry exits the kitchen, followed by Moe and Shemp exiting the kitchen with Mrs. Duggan ]
SHEMP: [ to Mrs. Duggan ] If you-- Anytime you wanna come in--
MOE: I’ll see if the coast is clear!
[ Moe opens the front door a little bit and peeks out of it. He sees a tall, strong, bearded man wandering down the hallway. Moe closes the door shut, and turns back to Mrs. Duggan while Larry puts a robe over her. ]
MOE: [ raises his hand high up in the air ] Is he so high?
MRS. DUGGAN: Yes!
MOE: [ holding his hands far apart ] And so wide?
MRS. DUGGAN: Yes!
MOE: [ holds hand under his chin ] And has he got whiskers?
MRS. DUGGAN: Yes!
[ A knock on the door is heard ]
MOE: That’s him!
[ Shemp and Larry hide Mrs. Duggan behind a chair next to the door. Moe opens the door, and the strong, bearded man from the hallway enters. ]
ROCKY: Hi, neighbors - I’m Rocky Duggan.
[ Rocky shakes hands with Moe and crunches Moe’s hand ]
MOE: Nyaaaahhh!!
[ Rocky holds his hand out to Shemp and Larry, but they both hide their hands from him ]
LARRY: Hi!
ROCKY: I come down here lookin’ for my missus.
MOE: Yes, I know… [ does a double-take ] I mean… I know all about you. You’re the strongest man in the world!
ROCKY: That’s right. Want me to tear a telephone book for ya?
MOE: No, thanks.
SHEMP: Never can tell when we need it.
LARRY: To call a doctor or somethin’.
[ Shemp and Moe look at Larry angrily ]
ROCKY: Yeah. My missus said she was comin’ down here to borrow a cup of sugar. I guess maybe she changed her mind.
LARRY: Yeah, yeah! She changed her mind!
ROCKY: Well… uh… I’ll be seein’ you boys. [ pats Shemp hard on the back, almost knocking him over ] Be seein’ ya. [ exits the apartment ]
[ Mrs. Duggan walks out from behind the chair ]
MRS. DUGGAN: If my husband found me in here like this, there’s no telling what he’d do!
[ Out in the hallway, Shemp’s Uncle Phineas walks up to Rocky ]
UNCLE PHINEAS: I beg your pardon - where’s
ROCKY: Oh, 304. [ points down the hallway ] R-- uh… Right this way, sir. I-I just came from there.
UNCLE PHINEAS: Oh.
[ As they walk down the hallway, Phineas looks up and down at Rocky really fast in astonishment at his height. They stop walking in front of the Stooges’ apartment. ]
ROCKY: There you are, sir - right there.
UNCLE PHINEAS: Thank you.
[ Rocky continues looking around the hallway for his wife. Uncle Phineas knocks on the Stooges’ door. Inside the apartment, Mrs. Duggan gasps and quickly hides behind the chair again. ]
MOE: [ to the door ] Who’s there?
UNCLE PHINEAS: Phineas Bowman!
SHEMP: Uncle Phineas!!
[ Moe opens the door and Shemp immediately greets Phineas as he walks in ]
UNCLE PHINEAS: I’m so happy to see you!
[ Moe takes off Phineas’ hat behind him ]
UNCLE PHINEAS: [ looking around for his hat ] I-- Will ya-- uh… [ notices Moe has his hat ] Oh!
[ Larry helps Mrs. Duggan from behind the chair and she runs out of the apartment. As soon she steps out the hallway, she notices the back of her husband, Rocky, searching down the other end of the hall. She quickly turns back to return to the Stooges apartment, and Rocky looks back and does a double-take when he notices her. ]
[ Mrs. Duggan goes back inside the Stooges apartment and shuts the door while Rocky is storming after her. Then she turns the lock on the door and returns to hiding behind the chair. Meanwhile, Uncle Phineas is being introduced to Moe and Larry. ]
UNCLE PHINEAS: [ to Moe ] How do you do?
MOE: [ pointing at Larry ] Meet chrome-dome.
UNCLE PHINEAS: Well, how do you do, Mr. Chrome-Dome?
[ Rocky angrily knocks on the Stooges’ door repeatedly ]
UNCLE PHINEAS: Oh, th-that-that’s the luggage man! I’ll get it.
[ Uncle Phineas tries to open the door, but realizes the lock is on ]
UNCLE PHINEAS: Oh!
[ Phineas turns the lock down. As soon as he turns the doorknob and opens it, Rocky bursts inside and knocks Phineas backwards on the floor. ]
ROCKY: [ to the Stooges ] You homewreckers!! I’m gonna tear you limb-from-limb!
SHEMP: [ running away ] AAAHHH!!
[ Rocky looks towards Moe and Larry ]
MOE AND LARRY: Wait, take it easy! Take it easy!
[ Rocky lunges forwards at Moe and Larry, but they duck and run inside the kitchen with Shemp. Uncle Phineas gets up from the floor. ]
UNCLE PHINEAS: What is the meaning of--
[ Rocky runs right into Phineas and knocks him down again while chasing after the Stooges. The Stooges are inside the kitchen struggling with all their might to push their side of the kitchen door towards Rocky while he’s trying to get in it at the same time. He reaches his hand inside the kitchen and grabs Moe’s nose, crunching it. ]
MOE: Nyaaaaaahh!!
[ Moe grabs Rocky’s hand and bites it hard ]
ROCKY: AAAAAAAAAAGGH!!!
[ Rocks pulls his hand away and looks at it in pain. Then he backs a few feet away from the door to prepare to run through it. ]
MOE: [ to the other Stooges ] Hey!
[ The Stooges quickly let go of the kitchen door and run to the corner of the kitchen. Rocky suddenly comes bursting through the kitchen door and crashes right into a cabinet. As he falls backwards, the cabinet opens up and drops several dishes and cups on top of him. ]
MOE: NYAAAAAAH!!
[ The Stooges run out of the kitchen. Moe and Larry jump over Uncle Phineas, who’s still laying on the floor, and run towards the front door, but Shemp runs in the opposite direction. ]
SHEMP: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa!!
[ Moe whistles for Shemp, and Shemp turns around and runs out the door with Moe and Larry. Moe and Larry run down one end of the hallway, while Shemp runs down the other one. ]
SHEMP: WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA!!!!
[ Back in the Stooges’ apartment, Uncle Phineas gets up from the ground and stands up in front of the kitchen door ]
UNCLE PHINEAS: Nephew--
[ Suddenly, the kitchen door behind Phineas swings open and knocks him flat on the ground. Rocky runs out of the kitchen and charges down the hallway after Shemp. ]
[ Inside the Stooges’ apartment, Phineas stands back up again, then he slowly and fearfully opens the front door. He peeks down both sides of the hallway to make sure nobody’s around. When he sees the coast is clear, he happily begins walking down the hallway, but his right leg suddenly cracks loudly. Out of nowhere, Shemp runs back down the hallway towards Phineas. ]
SHEMP: WHOA-WHOA-WHOA-WHOA!! WHOA!!!
[ Phineas quickly jumps out the way and slams into a wall. Shemp runs back inside the Stooges apartment. ]
UNCLE PHINEAS: Nephew! Why--
[ Rocky runs up behind Phineas and Phineas once again jumps out the way and slams into the opposite wall. After Rocky runs out of the scene, Phineas hesitatingly starts walking back down the hallway, then suddenly jumps out the way even though nobody is behind him. He continues simultaneously walking down the hall and turning to check behind him, then he enters the Stooges’ apartment. ]
[ Standing on a chair right next to the inside of the apartment door is Shemp, holding a vase in his hand. As soon as Uncle Phineas walks by him, Shemp thinks he’s Rocky and he smashes the vase right over Phineas’ head. Phineas passes out on the ground. Shemp gets off of the chair. ]
SHEMP: The bigger they are, the harder they fall!
[ Rocky walks right into the apartment, not catching Shemp’s attention yet ]
SHEMP: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha--
[ Shemp looks down at Rocky’s feet, then looks up at his face and realizes who it is. ]
SHEMP: OHH!!
[ Rocky lifts Shemp up by the head and drags him out into the hallway ]
SHEMP: OHHH OHH OH-OH!!!! OH OH OH OH OH OH OH!!!!
[ Rocky holds Shemp over his leg and trips Shemp on the floor, then picks him up and flips him back over on the floor again. ]
SHEMP: OHHH OHH OH-OH!!!! OH OH OH OH OH OH OH!!!!
[ Rocky picks up Shemp and holds him in a hug position, then proceeds to crunch Shemp’s back with his arms ]
SHEMP: OOOOOHHHH!!! OHHHHHH!!! AAAAUUUUGHHH!!!!
[ Rocky lifts Shemp over his shoulders and spins him around and around several times ]
SHEMP: Ahhhhh be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be-be!! WAUGH!!
[ Rocky lifts Shemp over his knee and starts cracking Shemp’s back with his knee ]
SHEMP: OHHHHHHH!!!! OH-OH-OH-OH-OHHH!
[ Rocky stands Shemp up, then gets him in a headlock and crunches his neck ]
SHEMP: OWW!! OWW!!
[ Mrs. McGruder quickly runs into the scene ]
MRS. MCGRUDER: Leave him alone!!
ROCKY: Who said so?!
MRS. MCGRUDER: I do!
ROCKY: Beat it, lady! No dame’s gonna tell me what to do!!
[ Rocky grabs Shemp by the hair and gets ready to punch him, but Mrs. McGruder suddenly reaches over and punches Rocky hard right in the jaw. Rocky slams back into a wall and crouches down to the floor, holding his jaw in pain. ]
[ Moe, Larry, and Mrs. Duggan run back into the scene. Moe and Larry go over to Shemp to help him, while Mrs. Duggan goes over to Rocky. ]
MRS. DUGGAN: Oh, Rocky, you dope! This whole thing was a silly mistake!
ROCKY: [ mumbling ] Mistake?!? [ spits out several teeth ] Look at the choppers! Look at my choppers!! [ spits out more teeth ]
MRS. MCGRUDER: [ to Shemp ] Where’s your uncle?
SHEMP: [ points at the Stooges’ apartment ] In there.
[ Mrs. McGruder goes inside the Stooges’ apartment. Mrs. Duggan helps Rocky up to his feet, and he staggers over to the Stooges. ]
ROCKY: [ pointing to his teeth, mumbling ] Look at this! Look at this!!! My act is ruined! How am I gonna pull that loaded freight car with my teeth when my teeth are gone?!
SHEMP: I’ll pay for some new ones, honest!
ROCKY: With what???
LARRY: Shemp’s gonna be rich!
MOE: Yeah, his uncle’s in there and he’s got 6 million bucks!
LARRY: And Shemp is his sole heir!
[ Uncle Phineas and Mrs. McGruder walk out of the apartment, arm-in-arm ]
UNCLE PHINEAS: Nephew, this is wonderful! Wonderful!! I want you to meet the future Mrs. Bowman!
[ The Stooges jump in shock ]
MRS. MCGRUDER: We were childhood sweethearts!
UNCLE PHINEAS: She’s the only woman I ever cared for!
MRS. MCGRUDER: Oh, Phineas! [ giggles ]
[ They walk away down the hallway and Phineas does a giddy little walk ]
MOE: There goes our 6 million bucks.
LARRY: There goes our share.
SHEMP: There goes our oil well.
ROCKY: There goes my… TEETH!!!
[ The Stooges run away and Rocky chases after them ]
ALL STOOGES: NYAAAAAAH!!
MRS. DUGGAN: [ running after Rocky ] Rocky, stop!! Don’t do it!!
[ As Uncle Phineas and Mrs. McGruder are happily walking down the hallway, the Stooges suddenly run up behind them, shouting. Mrs. McGruder jumps to the side to get out of the way, but Phineas gets bumped around as the Stooges and Rocky dash past him, knocking him down to the floor. As Phineas leans up, Mrs. Duggan runs past him and whacks him in the chin with her leg, slamming his head backwards into the ground. ]
MRS. MCGRUDER: Ohhh, Phineas!! [ crouches down next to him and lifts his head up ]
UNCLE PHINEAS: [ dazedly ] All I wanted was a nice, quiet visit!
[ Mrs. McGruder hugs Phineas as he sighs ]
THE END
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