Schtick Figures (The Cool, the Comical, the Crazy)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-07-06
HALF SHOT SHOOTERS
[ The short opens with an on-screen graphic that displays the year 1918, while a war is going on in a battlefield. Bombs are being set off, rifles being fired, and soldiers running around all over the place. ]
[ In one part of a battlefield behind a hedge, the Stooges are sleeping on the ground during all the chaos. Curly smacks the side of his face twice while sleeping, then both him and Moe wake up. ]
MOE: What are you wakin’ me up for?!
CURLY: Somethin’ hit me on the head! Is there a bullet hole there?
MOE: No bullet’s goin’ through that skull!
[ Moe begins to lay back down, but Curly smacks the side of his own face again ]
MOE: Hey, what’s eatin’ ya?
CURLY: Mosquiter! I can’t sleep!
MOE: Well, lay down or I’ll put ya to sleep! [ bonks Curly on the head ]
CURLY: Ohh!
[ Moe and Curly both lay back down. Curly notices the mosquito flying near Moe and landing on Moe’s face. Curly grabs a pot and swings it at the mosquito, whacking Moe’s face. ]
MOE: AAHHHH! [ sits up ] What’s the matter, ya nuts?! [ bonks Curly on the head ]
CURLY: I saw it again!
MOE: I’ll murder ya, I’ll tell ya! [ pokes Curly in the eyes ] I’ll murder ya!
CURLY: WOO!!
[ Curly lays back down as Moe looks at him. At the same time, Larry opens his eyes. ]
LARRY: Pipe down, you guys - you’re spoilin’ the whole war for me!
MOE: What of it?!
LARRY: Nothin’. I was just sayin’.
MOE: Then go back to sleep and keep quiet! [ slaps Larry ]
[ All the Stooges go back to sleep ]
[ On another part of the battlefield, a soldier is speaking on a phone. To his right is another soldier looking into the distance with a pair of binoculars, and to his left is Sgt. MacGillicuddy. ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Oh, boy! Hooray!!
[ MacGillicuddy begins running to tell other soldiers the great news, but he trips over the sleeping Stooges’ feet. He looks down at them in surprise. ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Well, I’ll be--!
[ MacGillicuddy kicks Curly in the behind several times. Curly wakes up immediately, raising his arms in the air as he stands up. ]
CURLY: Comrade! Comrade! Comrade! [ sees MacGillicuddy ] Ohh, it’s only you, sargie!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: So… you’re still yellow!
CURLY: Not me! I’m in the pink!
[ MacGillicuddy punches Curly in his right eye ]
CURLY: [ holding his eye ] Ohh!
[ Curly releases his hand, revealing a fresh black eye ]
CURLY: Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa! Ohh!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Now you’re in the black!
[ Curly snaps his fingers and waves his hand in front of MacGillicuddy’s face. MacGillicuddy pushes Curly away and walks up to a sleeping Moe and Larry, then presses his foot against their chests, waking them up. ]
LARRY: Ohh!
MOE: AHHH!! What happened???
[ Moe and Larry both raise from the ground and pick up their rifles, then aim them right at Curly and Sgt. MacGillicuddy. Curly and MacGillicuddy both duck out of the way right before Moe and Larry’s rifles fire. MacGillicuddy walks up behind Moe and Larry and bonks their heads together. ]
MOE AND LARRY: OHHH!!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Plant those guns, ya bloomin’ idiots!!
CURLY: [ walks up to MacGillicuddy ] We can enjoy this war if it wasn’t for you! [ fearfully backs away ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Yeah, well it’s too late now! The war is over - they called it off!
MOE: [ saluting ] Viva la
CURLY: Bonsower, monsewer!
LARRY: Bonsewer, monsower!
MOE: Mazel tov!
CURLY: L’chaim!
MOE AND LARRY: Mazel tov!
[ Moe and Larry kiss each other on the cheek. Curly walks up to MacGillicuddy intending to do the same, but MacGillcuddy scares him off by threateningly raising his elbow in front of Curly’s face. Larry grabs MacGillicuddy’s face from the other side and kisses him on the cheek. MacGillicuddy grabs Larry by the collar and punches him in the left eye. ]
LARRY: Ooh!
[ Larry lays back in a corner and holds his left eye in pain ]
CURLY: [ pinching Moe’s cheeks ] Woo-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la!
MOE: [ slaps Curly ] Get outta here! [ raises his rifle ] I’ll give you a whack in the head! I’ll knock your brains--
[ Moe swings his rifle forward and accidentally hits MacGillicuddy on the back of the head with it. MacGillicuddy pushes Moe’s rifle away from his face, causing it to swing around and hit Curly on the face. ]
CURLY: OY!!
[ MacGillicuddy grabs Moe’s left arm and begins forcefully squeezing it ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: DROP THAT GUN!!
MOE: Ohh, my arm!!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: DROP IT!!
MOE: Alright, alright!
[ MacGillicuddy releases Moe’s arm, then walks away ]
MOE: Ya mug!
[ Larry releases his hand from over his left eye, revealing a black eye ]
CURLY: Never mind him! We’re goin’ home!
MOE: Home!
[ Moe and Curly hold their rifles ]
MOE: WHOOPIE! HOORAY! HOME!
[ Moe and Curly throw their rifles in the air above them ]
MOE AND CURLY: YAHOOOOOOO!!
CURLY:
MOE: Ah--
[ Moe and Curly’s rifles come back down from the air and bonk them both on the head, knocking them out. They lean on each other’s backs and faint on the ground. The scene ends. ]
[ The next scene begins with various soldiers walking in and out of a building called “A.E.F. HEADQUARTERS DIV. 12”. Sgt. MacGillicuddy walks up to the outside of the building right as the Stooges walk out, and both sides see each other. Moe has his left arm in a cast. ]
MOE: Hiya, sarge!
CURLY: Thanks, pal!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: For what???
MOE: For this. [ points to his broken left arm ]
CURLY: And this. [ points to his black right eye ]
LARRY: And this. [ points to his black left eye ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: [ chuckling ] Ha! Thankin’ me for beatin’ ya up???
MOE: Sure! They decorated us! [ shows a medal on his uniform ]
CURLY: They thought we were wounded in action!
LARRY: Look! [ shows a medal on his uniform ]
[ MacGillicuddy puts his hands on his hips and looks to the side with an angry expression. Larry walks up closer to him, holding a discharge paper in his hand. ]
LARRY: Say, this discharge means we’re through, don’t it?
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Yeah?
MOE: And we don’t have to take any more orders from you???
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: That’s right. So what?!
MOE: That’s all we wanted to know! No hard feelings, is there, sarge?
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: [ smiling ] No!
[ MacGillicuddy puts out his hand for a handshake. Moe pretends to politely go in for a handshake, then suddenly pokes MacGillicuddy in the eyes instead. ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: OHHHH!!
[ Moe begins ripping the back of MacGilicuddy’s shirt upwards and Curly kicks MacGillicuddy in the knee ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: OHH!!
MOE: Get it up, boys! Get it up!
[ Larry helps Moe lift MacGillicuddy’s shirt over his head ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: HEY!
[ Curly runs up to a box and begins pulling out a board from it ]
[ Moe and Larry have tied MacGillicuddy’s shirt in a knot over his head ]
MOE: I’ll let you out in a minute!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: I’ll have you court-martialed for this!
MOE: Ah, sargie - break arms, eh?! [ punches MacGillicuddy in the stomach ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: OOOHH!!
LARRY: Peelin’ potatoes, eh?! [ yanks out an armpit hair from MacGillicuddy ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: OOOHHH!!
MOE: [ pushes Larry away ] Step aside! [ to MacGillicuddy ] Washin’ the floors, eh?! [ kicks MacGillicuddy in the stomach ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: OHHHH!!
LARRY: Blacken people’s eyes, eh?! [ yanks out an armpit hair from MacGillicuddy ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: OOOOH!!
MOE: Oh, tough guy, huh?! [ punches MacGillicuddy in the stomach ]
[ Curly has ripped out the board from the box. The board has several sharp nails sticking out from it. ]
CURLY: Ah! [ looking at MacGillicuddy ] Hmmm!!
[ Curly runs up to behind MacGillicuddy and whacks him in the behind with the sharp side of the board ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: [ turns around ] OOOWWWW!!
MOE AND LARRY: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
[ Curly runs up to behind MacGillicuddy and whacks him in the behind with the board again twice this time ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: OHHHHHHHHH!!! OHHH!!
[ Moe walks next to a donkey, then whispers in its ear ]
MOE: [ speaks in French ] Give!
[ The donkey kicks its legs back, hitting MacGillicuddy in the behind and flipping him forward on the ground ]
MOE: So long, sarge!
CURLY: Toodle-oo!
LARRY: Au reservoir!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: I’LL GET EVEN WITH YOU FOR THIS!!
MOE: [ to Larry and Curly ] Attention!
[ Curly and Larry stand straight up ]
MOE: About face!
[ Curly and Larry turn around at a 360 degree angle ]
MOE: Time… marches on!
[ Curly pretends to beat a drum. Larry plays an invisible flute and Moe waves around his arm cast in the air like a flag, as the Stooges walk away. The scene ends. ]
[ The next scene begins with an on-screen graphic that displays the year 1935. We see a tight camera shot on three pairs of feet walking on a sidewalk in worn-out, old-looking shoes. They stop walking, and one of the three pulls up his bottomless shoe and scratches his bare foot. The camera pans up and reveals that the three men are the Stooges. ]
[ Curly looks over and notices a man in a nearby restaurant sitting by the window with a plate of food, including a chicken ]
CURLY: Look!
[ The Stooges walk up to the restaurant window and a dog follows them. The Stooges stare at the man with the plate of food. ]
CURLY: Oh, boy! Look at this. Look at this!
LARRY: Some people have all the luck.
MOE: Boy, could I tear that chicken to smithereenies!
[ The man in the restaurant looks out the window and notices the Stooges. He motions them with his arm to get lost, but the Stooges point to their stomachs and mouths, begging for food. The man tries to ignore them and eat his meal. Curly bends down to the dog and whispers something in his ear. Then the dog runs inside the restaurant. ]
[ Inside the restaurant, the dog goes up to the man’s table and grabs away the man’s chicken with his mouth ]
MAN IN RESTAURANT: Yeh--
[ As the dog takes off, the man tries to grab his chicken back with a fork, but he ends up jabbing his own hand by accident ]
MAN IN RESTAURANT: OUCH!!
[ The Stooges run away from the window as the man is kissing his hand to ease the pain ]
[ Outside the restaurant, the dog has the chicken on the ground. The Stooges try slowly sneaking up to him to grab the chicken, but right before they can reach it, the dog grabs the chicken with his mouth and takes off, leaving the Stooges to fall flat on the ground. ]
MOE: Ahh, how do you like that?!
[ The man from the restaurant is standing outside the restaurant entrance, pointing his arm toward the Stooges ]
MAN IN RESTAURANT: HEY!! HEY!!! [ begins running over to the Stooges ]
ALL STOOGES: HEEEYYYYYY!!!
[ The Stooges run away as the man chases them ]
MAN IN RESTAURANT: Hey, you guys!!
[ The Stooges stop running in front of a building named “
MAN IN CROWD: Hey, I got a good notion to bust you right in the nose! [ walks away ]
[ The man from the restaurant grabs Moe ]
MOE: What’s the matter, fella?
MAN IN RESTAURANT: Oh, you thought you’d get away, huh?! [ slaps Moe ]
MOE: Ohh, a face-slapper, eh?!
MAN IN RESTAURANT: I oughta have you all arrested!
[ The man raises his hand with his thumb sticking out and accidentally thumbs Curly in the eye ]
CURLY: OOH-OOHH!! Hmm! For two cents, I’ll punch you right in the face!
MAN IN RESTAURANT: [ pulls out two pennies from his pocket ] Well, here’s the two cents!
CURLY: Well… I raise my price!
LARRY: Oh, listen, mister, we don’t mean any harm - we’re hungry! Do you know where we can get a job?
MAN IN RESTAURANT: [ fuming ] Why you’ve got your ner--!!
[ In mid-sentence, the man notices a billboard across from the
MAN IN RESTAURANT: I’m sorry I lost my temper. Go in the building, boys, up to Room 310 and ask for Burke. They’re looking for men. Just say you wanna “sign up”.
MOE: Aw, you’re a regular fella after all!
MAN IN RESTAURANT: Yeah.
MOE: And if you wanna, you can smack me again!
MAN IN RESTAURANT: Yeh-- [ slaps Moe ]
MOE: OHHH!! [ to the other Stooges ] By golly, he did it!
[ The Stooges fearfully walk away from the man and enter the
MAN IN RESTAURANT: Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
[ The man leaves and the camera pans over to a close-up of the billboard, which says “VACANCIES EXIST! ENLIST NOW - U S ARMY - APPLY - CAPT. BURKE ROOM 310 - RECRUITING OFFICE” ]
[ Inside Room 310, a man is saying goodbye to Capt. Burke ]
CIVILIAN: See ya tomorrow, cap’n. So long.
CAPT. BURKE: So long.
[ The Stooges peek their heads in the room ]
CURLY: Is this Room 310?
CAPT. BURKE: Sure, come right in.
[ The Stooges walk up to Capt. Burke’s desk ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Ignoramus, take off your hat!
[ Moe slaps Curly’s hat onto the desk, then Moe puts his own hat back on ]
MOE: [ to Capt. Burke ] A man downstairs said you can use some men.
CAPT. BURKE: You wanna sign up?
CURLY: Soitenly! What do you think we’re here for???
CAPT. BURKE: [ hands the Stooges a paper ] Sign right here!
MOE: It’s a pleasure! [ begins signing ]
LARRY: Oh, a job at last!
MOE: Whaddaya gonna do with all the money?
[ As Curly puts back on his hat, he looks to his side and notices a poster which says “U.S. ARMY - JOIN NOW”, then he slaps his own face in confusion ]
CURLY: Hey, I think there’s somethin’ screwy goin’ on around here!
MOE: Every time you think, ya weaken the nation! [ hands Curly the paper and pencil ] Sign!
CURLY: But--
MOE: “But but but but but--” Go on - sign or I’ll crack your head open! Go on, go on! [ slaps Curly’s hat off ]
CURLY: Ohh!
[ Curly signs his name on the paper, then Moe hands the paper back to Capt. Burke. Burke holds up three cards for the Stooges. ]
CAPT. BURKE: Take these over to Fort Singer.
MOE: You mean those papers we signed were to join the army?!!
CAPT. BURKE: Of course! You’re in the army now!
MOE: Oh, no! We quit!
CAPT. BURKE: [ getting up from his chair ] WHY--!!
[ The Stooges run away towards the door ]
CURLY: WOO!!
[ The Stooges stop running when they notice Sgt. MacGillcuddy right at the entrance of the room. They all stare at MacGillicuddy in shock for a few seconds, then suddenly turn around and rush back at Capt. Burke’s desk. ]
ALL STOOGES: WHOOOOAAAAAAAA!!!
CURLY: WOO-WOO-WOO!!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: As I live… I’m seein’ things -- three of them!
MOE: Boys… you remember Sgt. MacGillicuddy?
CURLY: Yeah, his mother and my mother are both mothers!
LARRY: No, he helped us win the war!
CAPT. BURKE: Sergeant - take these men over to Fort Singer! They’re in your charge!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: [ salutes ] With pleasure!
MOE: [ to Larry ] You wanted a job, huh?
LARRY: Yeah--
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] What’s the matter witcha?! [ to Curly ] You - boxcars wasn’t good enough for you, was it?
CURLY: I don’t know, I’m a stowaway!
MOE: Well, stow this away! [ slaps Curly ]
LARRY: Leave ‘im alone, will ya?
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] I’ll leave ‘im alone! I’ll give ya-- [ punches Larry and Curly in the stomachs, then bops them on the heads ]
LARRY AND CURLY: OHH! OHH!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: BREAK IT UP!! BREAK IT UP!!
[ The Stooges stop fighting ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Come on, boys!
MOE: I kinda forgot myself for a minute--
[ The Stooges nervously run out the door as MacGillicuddy follows them ]
CURLY: WOO!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Sgt. MacGillicuddy sitting in an office while looking at a door from across him marked “EXAMINATION ROOM”. The door opens and a doctor walks up to MacGillicuddy with the Stooges. MacGillicuddy stands up. ]
DOCTOR: Medical exam okay.
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Tiger, sir!
[ The doctor exits ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Here we are - bosom friends again! HA HA HA HA HA HA!
[ The Stooges nervously begin laughing with him ]
MOE: Gee, sarge, you’re a pal!
[ MacGillicuddy’s laugh slowly fades into an angry expression ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: SIT DOWN!!
[ The Stooges sit on the bench behind them and it breaks in half, causing the Stooges to fall ]
LARRY: Ooh!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: HA HA HA HA HA HA!!
[ The Stooges get up, as MacGillicuddy pulls a gun out from a drawer and hides it behind his back ]
MOE: Aw, now listen, sarge! You’re gonna let bygones be bygones, ain’t ya?
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Sure, sure! [ pointing to a horse troff ] Get over at that troff!
[ The Stooges hesitatingly walk over to the troff ]
MOE: Whaddaya gonna do?
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Gonna give you a detonation test!
CURLY: Detonation? If I got it, can I get cured???
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Yeah! It’s a test to see if your eardrums will stand the shooting of the big guns.
MOE: That’s a new one on me!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Yeah, I just thought of it!
[ The Stooges do a double-take and look at MacGillicuddy in shock ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Now when I say “Go”, duck your heads under that water and hold it.
LARRY: For how long???
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: I’ll tell ya when to come up!
[ The Stooges do a double-take and look at MacGillicuddy in anger ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Get ready…
[ MacGillicuddy walks over to the troff and as he turns his back, the Stooges notice the gun he’s holding behind him. They all get worried expressions. ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Ready? GO!!
[ The Stooges stick their heads in the water. MacGillicuddy pulls out the gun and sticks the barrel under one part of the water away from the Stooges, then fires it loudly. The Stooges quickly pull their heads out of the water, screaming and holding their ears. ]
ALL STOOGES: OHHHH!! AAHH AHH AHHH! MY EARS!!!
LARRY: I CAN’T HEAR!!
MOE: OH, MY EARS!
LARRY: WHAT?!
MOE: WHAT?! WHAT?!
CURLY: Mines are buzzin’ like a bee!
[ MacGillicuddy hands the Stooges towels ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Come on, let’s go, boys.
LARRY: HUH?! HUH?! WHAT?!
MOE: I CAN’T HEAR YA!
LARRY: My ears!
[ The Stooges and MacGillicuddy exit the room and the scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with MacGillicuddy and the Stooges entering an office with the label “MAJOR SMITH” on the door. Major Smith is sitting at his desk. The Stooges are still holding their ears in pain. ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Here are those recruits, sir.
MOE: Can’t hear a thing!
[ The Stooges walk up to Major Smith’s desk ]
MAJOR SMITH: Attention!!
[ Moe salutes with his right hand and raises his elbow, smacking Larry in the face ]
LARRY: Ooh!
[ Larry salutes with his right hand and raises his elbow, smacking Curly in the face ]
CURLY: Ooh!! HMM!!
[ Curly angrily salutes with his right hand and tries to elbow the person to the right of him, before he realizes that there’s nobody standing there ]
MAJOR SMITH: Where were you born?
MOE: What???
MAJOR SMITH: Where were you born?
LARRY: I don’t know what he’s sayin’!
MAJOR SMITH: [ angrily ] Where were you born?!!
CURLY: [ to Moe ] He said your pants are torn!
MOE: I ain’t got any horn!
LARRY: No, not worn - Corn!
CURLY: What???
LARRY: Corn!!
CURLY: Oh, corns! [ raises his foot ] I got two on both dogs! [ to Major Smith ] Can ya tell me where I can get a cold plaster, shorty?
[ Major Smith glares angrily at Curly ]
CURLY: I-I-- [ backs away fearfully ] Woo-wooo!
MAJOR SMITH: Now… where were you born?!
CURLY: Oh, born! Upstairs in the front room!
MAJOR SMITH: Fine soldiers for the coast artillery! Wouldn’t know a shell from a boat!
LARRY: What?!?
MOE: He said “Ya smell like a goat”!
LARRY: Oh, yeah?! [ angrily to Major Smith ] Thanks! The same to you!
MAJOR SMITH: [ stands up ] Remember your place!
MOE: [ bonks Larry on the head ] Get out!
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
MAJOR SMITH: What is wrong with you men?!
CURLY: We’re hungry! We ain’t eaten in a week!
MAJOR SMITH: So… that’s it! [ to MacGillicuddy ] Sergeant, get these men some food.
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: [ saluting ] Yes, sir. [ exits ]
MAJOR SMITH: Now to continue… Were you born in this country?
LARRY: What???
MAJOR SMITH: [ angrily ] Were you born in this country?!
LARRY: No -
MAJOR SMITH: Would you fight for this great republic and--
MOE: Republican?! No, I’m a democrat!
CURLY: Not me! I’m a pedestrian!
MAJOR SMITH: [ waving his arms in despair ] Ohhh!!
[ As Major Smith stands up from his desk, MacGillicuddy returns with a small box of tomatoes ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: This is all I could find, sir.
MAJOR SMITH: See what you could do with these men. I give up! [ exits ]
[ The Stooges lunge for the box of tomatoes and each grab several tomatoes, then begin piggishly eating them ]
[ Outside of the office window, a general is meeting with two officers ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: [ to the Stooges ] THROW AWAY THOSE TOMATOES!! THROW ‘EM AWAY, I SAY!!
[ The Stooges ignore MacGillicuddy and continue eating the tomatoes ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: [ picks up a tomato ] Why, y--
[ MacGillicuddy throws the tomato towards the Stooges, but they duck and the tomato goes out the window and hits the general right in the face ]
GENERAL: Wha-- Why-- Bu-- THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with MacGillicuddy in a room, angrily cleaning two whole piles of loving cups placed seperately on two different tables. The Stooges walk in, carrying several loving cups. ]
MOE: Hiya, general!
LARRY: Here you are!
[ The Stooges place the loving cups on one of the tables with the rest of the pile, to MacGillicuddy's dismay ]
CURLY: If ya clean enough of those loving cups, you can expectorate in the army!
[ MacGillicuddy threateningly raises his elbow towards Curly’s face as if he’s going to hit him. Moe turns to Curly and pokes him in the eyes. ]
CURLY: OOOH!!
[ Curly falls over backwards, knocking down MacGillcuddy as well as both piles of loving cups and they all crash on the floor. After a few seconds, Moe, Curly, and MacGillicuddy get up from the floor. Moe and Curly fearfully salute their hands repetitively as MacGillicuddy pulls up his arm sleeves and slowly walks towards them. ]
MOE: Wait a minute - where’s Larry?!
[ Larry slowly rises from under the pile of scattered loving cups on the floor ]
LARRY: [ dazedly ] Here I am…
[ Larry raises his right hand and realizes that it’s stuck inside a loving cup. Then he tries to use his left hand to get the cup off, but that hand is also stuck inside a loving cup. He struggles trying to get both cups off his hands. The scene ends. ]
[ The next scene begins with many soldiers, including the Stooges, standing in front of a cannon, with MacGillicuddy next to them. The Stooges are leaning against each other, sleeping. ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Attention!!
[ The Stooges wake up and all the soldiers stand in a straight line. Larry salutes his right hand and elbows Moe in the chin. ]
MOE: OHHH!!
[ Moe salutes his right hand and elbows Curly in the chin ]
CURLY: OHHH!!
[ Curly angrily salutes his right hand and tries to elbow the short soldier to his right, but the soldier is standing out of Curly's reach ]
CURLY: Hmmm!!
[ Curly pulls the short soldier closer to him, then salutes once again and elbows the soldier in the chin ]
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
SHORT SOLDIER: OH!
[ Moe punches Curly in the stomach ]
CURLY: OHH!!
[ The general and an officer walk up to MacGillicuddy and they all salute each other. The general takes out a paper and begins reading from it. ]
GENERAL: “Order No. 41G Heavy Ordinance Gunnery Practice. Gun crew 6, 7, and 8 in ordered name will fire on obsolete radio-controlled cruiser, which will pass port at 5,000 yards.”
[ The camera pans over to the Stooges, who have fallen asleep while still standing up ]
GENERAL: [ still reading ] “Crew making best record of hits will receive citation and two weeks leave of absence!”
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: [ to soldiers ] TAKE YOUR POSTS!!
[ The Stooges wake up suddenly and bump into each other in confusion ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Go to the powder tunnel and bring shells and powder as fast as you can, and no slip-ups!
[ The Stooges slowly begin walking away ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: HURRY UP!!!
[ The Stooges quickly run away ]
[ MacGillicuddy walks up to a soldier, who’s speaking into a phone ]
SOLDIER: Yes, sir. Yes, sir. I understand. [ to MacGillicuddy ] Target practice postponed until arrival of Admiral Hawkins’ flagship on inspection cruise. Dismiss the crew.
[ MacGillicuddy walks away with a disappointed look on his face, then blows a whistle at the remaining soldiers except for the Stooges ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Fall in!
[ The soldiers stand in a straight line in front of MacGillicuddy ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Target practice postponed. Right face, forward march!
[ The soldiers and MacGillicuddy march away ]
[ The general and officer walk up to another officer ]
OFFICER #2: Admiral Hawkins’ flagship is steaming up the bay for maneuvers, sir.
[ The camera shows a quick shot of the flagship at sea ]
[ The Stooges re-enter the scene, with Moe and Larry sitting on a cart with shells and bags of gun powder on it as Curly pushes the cart. ]
ALL STOOGES: [ singing ] You’ll never know
just what tears are
till you cry
like you’ve made me cry--
MOE: Here we are, boys! Here we are!
[ Curly stops pushing the cart and Moe puts a cigarette in his mouth. He flicks his match one of the gun powder bags, then lights his cigarette with the match. He and Larry get off the cart. ]
MOE: [ looking around ] Where’s the sergeant and the gun crew???
LARRY: Maybe he’s between halves!
[ Moe looks over at Larry with a sarcastic smirk, then hands him his cigarette ]
MOE: Hold that.
LARRY: Oh, thanks.
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Come on! Get outta here! [ to Curly ] Come on, get busy!
[ Moe grabs one of the heavy shells from the cart ]
MOE: Ready… WHOOIIIIA!! HUP-HUP-HUP!! [ hands Curly the heavy shell ]
CURLY: WHOOIIIA!! OOH! [ hands Larry the shell ]
LARRY: Whooiia! Whoiia!
[ Moe grabs a bag of gun powder ]
MOE: Ready… HUP!
[ Moe throws the bag of gun powder in the air expecting Curly to catch it, but he and Larry are too busy getting the shell in the cannon. Moe quickly catches the gun powder bag himself before it hits the ground. He gets up and walks behind Curly. ]
MOE: [ slaps Curly ] Get outta the way! You’re in the way!
[ Moe and Larry get the gun powder bag inside the cannon, then Larry closes the cannon door and accidentally squeezes his finger in between the door ]
LARRY: AAHH!! My finger!!
CURLY: [ singing ] Oh, the first shell went in there
then it goes around and around
WHOOOOAAA-OOOAAAAA OHHH
and it goes out there
[ Curly looks in the distance and gets a surprised expression ]
CURLY: Hey, fellas - look!!
[ Moe and Larry look off in the distance with Curly and they notice the flagship at sea ]
LARRY: That’s the boat we’re supposed to use for a target! What’ll we do?!
CURLY: Target??? I don’t see no bulls-eye on it!
MOE: We’ll take the bull by the horns and fire it ourself! Come on, I know how to cock a cannon!
CURLY: Right!
MOE: Right!
CURLY AND LARRY: Right!
MOE: Right!
CURLY: Right!
MOE: [ grabs Curly ] Wait a minute…! Everything alright?
CURLY: Right!
MOE: [ slaps Curly ] Come on!
CURLY: Ooh! Right!
[ The Stooges run up on the cannon and are revolving it around to face the flagship ]
MOE: 40x50 range, got that?
CURLY: Yes, sir!
MOE: Easy now!
[ The Stooges stop spinning the cannon around ]
MOE: Gun range okay!
LARRY: Gun range okay!
ALL STOOGES: [ singing ] Gun range okaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy!!
[ Curly notices a lever on the cannon ]
CURLY: Hey, I wonder what this is!
MOE: I don’t know. Pull it and find out.
CURLY: Okay!
[ Curly pulls the lever and the cannon fires suddenly, causing the Stooges to fall backwards flat on the ground. The cannon ends up shooting down a tower in the distance. ]
[ The general and the two officers watch in horror as the tower collapses ]
GENERAL: Who fired that gun?!
OFFICER #2: I don’t know, sir.
GENERAL: COME ON, HURRY!!!
[ All three of them run off-camera ]
[ The Stooges get up from the floor ]
CURLY: It went off!!
MOE: Yeah, but you missed the boat! Reload!
[ The Stooges put another shell inside the cannon ]
MOE: Man the guns!
[ The Stooges run up on the cannon ]
MOE: Longitude by five! Latitude right!
[ Larry begins revolving the cannon around to the Stooges’ left ]
MOE: [ bonking Larry on the head ] You’re goin’ the wrong way! Right!!
LARRY: What do I do?!
[ The cannon continues revolving to the left ]
MOE: Left!
LARRY: Left!
MOE: Take it right!
LARRY: Left!
MOE: You’re wrong!
LARRY: Right!
MOE: Latitude right!
LARRY: Left!
MOE: You’re goin’ the wrong way!!
LARRY: Right!
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Turn it around!
LARRY: Left!
MOE: Latitude right!
LARRY: Right… Left!!
[ The cannon stops revolving ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] Ready? Fire!
[ Curly pulls the lever and the cannon fires, sending the Stooges falling backwards on the floor. The cannon blows up an entire house. ]
MOE: I don’t know where that one landed, but I hope it didn’t hit the pool room!
[ Curly and Larry begin revolving the cannon around ]
MOE: Okay! On the liable!
LARRY: Right!
MOE: On the bias!
LARRY: Right!
MOE: Lateral 65!
[ Sgt. MacGillicuddy sees the Stooges in the distance at the cannon and gets a panicked expression on his face, then quickly begins running over to them ]
[ The Stooges get into a huddle position next to the cannon ]
MOE: Hike!
LARRY: Hike!
[ The Stooges break from their huddle and get into hike positions ]
MOE: 61, 75, 65, 3, 81, 21, 5, hike!!
LARRY: Hike, hike!
[ The Stooges jump up to the cannon and Curly pulls the lever. The cannon fires and the Stooges fall backwards on the ground. The cannon shoot down parts of a bridge over the sea. ]
[ The general and the two officers are still running over towards the Stooges ]
[ Moe puts another shell in the cannon and closes the cannon door ]
MOE: Ready, men?
LARRY: Right.
MOE: 50!
LARRY: 60!
CURLY: 70!
MOE: I got 70! Who’ll make it 80?! 70, I got once, twice, three times--
CURLY: Sold to the man with the curly locks! [ rubs his scalp ]
[ Curly pulls the lever on the cannon, and the cannon fires. The Stooges fall backwards on the floor. ]
LARRY: OOF!
[ The cannon blows up the flagship at sea ]
MOE: WHOOPIE! A BULLS-EYE!!
[ Sgt. MacGillicuddy, the general, and the two officers continue running over to the Stooges ]
CURLY: With that kind of shooting, you oughta get six months with pay!
[ Moe begins putting another shell in the cannon right before Sgt. MacGillicuddy, the general, and the two officers finally arrive ]
GENERAL: HEY!! HEY!!
[ The Stooges stand in a straight line ]
GENERAL: ATTENTION!!
[ The Stooges salute their hands and back their arms into each other’s faces ]
MOE: Oh!
GENERAL: Who fired those shots?!
ALL STOOGES: I did!
[ Moe bonks Curly and Larry on the heads ]
MOE: Let’s get this straight - I did, and boy was that a shot, or was a shot?!
GENERAL: Well... you hit the admiral’s flagship!!
[ The Stooges react in surprise ]
MOE: [ to Larry ] Why did you hit the admiral’s flagship?!
[ Moe slaps Larry, then turns to Curly ]
MOE: Why’d you hit the admiral’s flagship?! [ slaps Curly ]
CURLY: I seen my duty and I did it!
MOE: Well, I see my duty and I’ll do it! [ holds out his fist ] See that?
[ Curly slaps Moe’s fist down, causing Moe’s arm to swing around and bonk Curly on the head ]
CURLY: WHOA!
[ Moe and Larry begin kicking Curly repeatedly in the behind ]
LARRY: Hit the admiral’s flagship, eh?! Hit the admiral’s flagship, eh?! You seen your duty--
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: [ grabbing Moe and Larry ] Hey, hey!!
CURLY: STOP IT!!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: [ pointing at Curly ] Well, he seen his duty and he done it!
CURLY: You’re a swell guy, sargie!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Oh, sure! Now line up there nicely.
[ The Stooges stand in a straight line ]
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Yeah, right in a straight line. Now hold it, and look pleasant! I’ll be right back! [ walks away ]
LARRY: Hey, what’s he gonna give us???
MOE: I don’t know.
CURLY: Maybe he’s gonna take our picture!
MOE: Maybe he is at that! He wo--
[ MacGillicuddy revolves the cannon around a bit and stops it right in front of the Stooges ]
ALL STOOGES: AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!
SGT. MACGILLICUDDY: Now hold it!
[ MacGillicuddy pulls the lever on the cannon and the cannon fires. The camera slowly pans over to where the Stooges were, and all that remains of them are their shoes with smoke rising out of them. ]
THE END
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