Schtick Figures (The Cool, the Comical, the Crazy)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-07-14
IN THE SWEET PIE AND PIE
[ The short opens inside a mansion. Two sisters named Taska and Baska enter a room while carrying tennis rackets. They rush over to their sister, Tiska, who’s standing with their lawyer Diggins. Tiska is holding a letter. ]
BASKA: What’s up?
TASKA: Yeah, what’s happened, Tiska?
TISKA: Listen to this -- [ reading from the letter ] “Tiska, Taska, and Baska Jones - our triple wedding must be postponed indefinitely. Not returning to port today. Have been ordered to
TASKA: If we’re not married by midnight tonight, we can kiss the ten million dollar legacy goodbye!
BASKA: We’re sunk.
DIGGINS: Oh, no you’re not. A smart lawyer’s never sunk. I read about the fleet going to
TISKA: Well, let’s have it!
DIGGINS: Simple. Today, you marry three convicts… tomorrow, they hang. You get your ten million - minus my fee, of course - and you’re free to marry your boyfriends. Nice, huh?
TISKA: But what about the convicts?
TASKA: Yeah, how about that?
DIGGINS: [ holds up a newspaper ] There they are.
[ The girls look at the newspaper, which has a picture of convicts Moe, Larry, and Curly, in their cell wearing license plates on their prison uniforms. Above their photo has the headline “TO DIE ON GALLOWS TOMORROW” and below their photo is the caption “MUSHROOM MURDER GANG”. ]
TISKA, TASKA, AND BASKA: [ groaning ] Ohhhh! Oooh!
[ The camera zooms in closer to the newspaper photo of the convicted Stooges, then the scene dissolves over to the Stooges in present time inside their cell, in the exact same uniforms and poses as in their newspaper photo ]
LARRY: They can’t hang us! We’re innocent! We’re innocent, I tell you!
CURLY: You’re tellin’ me!
MOE: Well, they’re gonna hang us.
CURLY: [ holding his neck ] Oh, no! No!!
[ Curly leans against a wall next to a mirror ]
CURLY: I’m too young to die! I’m too young and too handsome!
[ Curly looks at his face in the mirror ]
CURLY: Nyaaah!! [ pauses ] Well, I’m too young!
[ Moe looks at Curly with an angry smirk ]
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
[ Moe takes off Curly’s hat and hands it to him ]
MOE: Hold that.
CURLY: Oh, thank you. I get the--
[ Moe bonks Curly on the head ]
CURLY: NNNGGHH!!
MOE: Listen, you - we got 24 hours to live. Think! Think! Think!!
[ Curly begins panting heavily and clicking his teeth together. Moe looks at Larry with a big smile. Curly then slams his head against the wall several times. ]
MOE: Thataboy! Think it up!
[ Curly stops briefly, then suddenly continues banging his head against the wall ]
MOE: Thataboy! Think it up! Think it up, kid!
[ Curly stops again ]
CURLY: I got it!
MOE: What?
CURLY: [ holding his forehead ] A terrific headache!
[ Curly turns his back on Moe and Larry, revealing a license plate and a stop light hanging over his behind. Moe is about to kick Curly’s behind, but stops himself when he notices the stop light. ]
LARRY: Ah ha ha ha ha ha! He stopped--
MOE: [ slaps Larry ] Come onnnnn! [ to Curly ] Listen - we gotta get outta here! [ puts his hand on his chin ] If we only had a saw!
CURLY: Hey, what about these?
[ Curly lifts up his shirt and reveals three saws hidden inside of his pants. Moe and Larry take out two of the saws. ]
MOE: Swell!
LARRY: Where’d ya get these?!
CURLY: I save bottle tops! Ha ha!
MOE: [ bending the saw ] Is this a musical saw?
CURLY: Soitenly. It plays “I Hear a Rip-sody”!
[ Moe releases one half of the bent saw, causing it to swing into Curly’s face ]
CURLY: Ohh!! Ooh!!
MOE: That was a “rhapsody” in the kisser! Come on, get on those bars - quick!
[ Moe and Larry go over to the barred window in their jail cell, as Curly swings his saw around like a sword. Then he walks over to Moe and Larry, who are sawing through the window bars. Their elbows repeatedly back into Curly’s chin. ]
CURLY: Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! WAIT A MINUTE!! WAIT A MINUTE!!
[ Moe and Larry stop sawing ]
CURLY: Let a guy that can saw, see… saw? Ha ha ha!
[ Curly breathes heavily on his saw several times, then saws the bars on the window ]
CURLY: [ singing ] Oh, give me a home
where the buffalo roam
and the deer and the antelope are plaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyiii--
[ Moe slaps Curly’s hat off ]
CURLY: Hey! [ slaps Moe ] On your guard!
[ Moe and Curly raises their saws in the air like swords, then clank their saws together several times as if they’re in a swordfight. As Curly bends forward, Moe scrapes the saw on the top of Curly’s head. ]
CURLY: YAAAAAAH-AAAAAH-AAAAAH-OWWWW!!! Ohh… ohh… [ looks at the saw ] Oh, look!
[ Moe looks at the saw, which is now broken thanks to Curly’s hard head ]
MOE: You’ve ruined the saw! [ grabs Curly’s saw ] Gimme that!
[ The prison guard opens the Stooges' jail cell. Tiska, Taska, Baska, Diggins, and a justice of peace enter. The Stooges see the ladies and quickly fix their hair and prison uniforms. Curly also breathes heavily on his license plate several times. Then the Stooges walk over to the ladies. ]
DIGGINS: Gentlemen, my name is Diggins. I’m a lawyer. [ pointing to the girls ] This is Tiska, Taska, and Baska Jones.
ALL STOOGES: [ taking off their hats ] How do you do?
[ The Stooges bow forward and bonk their heads together ]
ALL STOOGES: OH!!
[ The ladies walk over closer to the Stooges ]
TISKA, TASKA, AND BASKA: Will you marry us?
MOE: Will we?!
LARRY: Oh, boy!
CURLY: [ to the justice ] Start the ceremony! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges and the ladies holding hands while the justice of peace stands in front of them ]
JUSTICE OF PEACE: I now pronounce you man and wife.
MOE: Oh, boy!
LARRY: We’re married!
[ While the Stooges are congratulating each other, Diggins rushes the ladies out of the cell ]
CURLY: Brother-in-laws!
MOE:
[ The guard closes the cell and the Stooges look back and notice everybody gone ]
LARRY: Hey, wait!
MOE: Wait a minute!!
LARRY: It’s a bamboozle!
MOE: How do ya like that? [ throws down his hat ] No wedding kiss!
[ Moe and Curly look over at each other, then shrug their shoulders and kiss each other briefly while Larry grimaces ]
DIGGINS: Happy honeymoon, gentlemen!
CURLY: Well, I’ll be hanged!
DIGGINS: You will!
CURLY: Nyaaah-aaaah-aaaah-aaaaah!
MOE: [ to Curly ] You hadda bring that up! [ strangles Curly ]
CURLY: Stop it!!
[ Curly pulls Moe’s hands off his neck, then Curly waves his hand around Moe’s face, and flaps his hand on top of his own head several times. As he turns his back on Moe, Moe bonks him on the head and bonks Larry behind him. ]
CURLY AND LARRY: Ooh!
[ Curly turns back towards Moe and stomach-butts him, bumping him backwards into Larry ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with an announcer talking into a radio microphone with many prisoners seated behind him ]
BILL STEIN: Howdy, folks, howdy. This is your old friend, Bill Stein, bringing you… a jerk-by-jerk description of the triple hanging of the Mushroom Murder Mob. This broadcast is coming to you from Hangemall Prison. We’re at the gallows sight, and it’s a beautiful day for a hanging.
[ A vendor walks by the seated prisoners while carrying a basket with pamphlets and food ]
VENDOR: Peanuts, popcorn, sody pop, chewing gum, candy! Get your programs, gents! All the names and numbers! Ya can’t tell the victims apart without a program! [ to a prisoner ] Program?
[ The Stooges walk up on the center stage, with the warden assisting them. There are three nooses hanging down on the stage. The prison audience applauds wildly. ]
[ Curly begins violently coughing for a few seconds ]
MOE: Hey, hey, hey! You’d better watch that cough. First thing you know, you’ll wind up with pneumonia.
LARRY: [ to the warden ] They say strawberries are good for a cold.
WARDEN: Strawberries won’t be in season for six months!
ALL STOOGES: We’ll wait!!
[ The Stooges begin walking off the stage, but the warden stops them ]
WARDEN: Just a minute! Line up there, boys.
[ The Stooges line up in front of the nooses ]
BILL STEIN: This broadcast comes to you through the courtesy of Heedam Neckties, with stores in three convenient locations:
[ The camera returns to the Stooges, who are each tied to a noose ]
WARDEN: Are you ready?!!
ALL STOOGES: Ready!
WARDEN: One… two…
[ The camera shows the prison audience laughing hysterically as we hear loud crashing and groaning noises off-camera ]
BILL STEIN: Oh, the ropes have broken!! They’re down! They’re all down on the floors!
[ The camera shows the Stooges and the warden getting up from the floor, all tangled in ropes ]
MOE: What kind of a hanging is this?!
CURLY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
LARRY: That’s my head there!
BILL STEIN: Stay tuned and I’ll bring you a word from the contestants!
[ Bill Stein gets up and walks over to the Stooges with his microphone. At the same, the warden receives a letter and reads it. ]
WARDEN: [ to the Stooges ] You’re free! The governor’s pardoned you! [ reading ] “Mickey Finn and his gang have been captured and they’ve confessed to the mushroom murder.” You’re free, boys!
ALL STOOGES: We’re free, we’re free!!
[ The prison audience boos and jeers in the background ]
[ Bill Stein holds the microphone up to the Stooges ]
BILL STEIN: Here, boys - say a few words, will ya?
MOE: [ ghoulishly ] Heeheehoohoowoooohahaa!! I am the shadow!
LARRY: [ into Moe’s face ] BOO!
[ Moe gets startled and starts crying like a baby ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins inside Tiska, Taska, and Baska’s mansion. They are holding up three glasses of wine. ]
TASKA: Here’s to us - three new widows!
[ The girls clink their glasses together ]
[ A knock is heard from the outside of the front door to the tune of “Shave and a Haircut, Two Bits”. The butler, Williams, walks over to the door. As soon as he’s about to open it, the door swings opens from the outside and knocks Williams on the floor. ]
WILLIAMS: OOH! UHH!!
[ The Stooges burst inside the mansion and see the three ladies ]
CURLY: Tiska!
MOE: Taska!
LARRY: Baska!
[ Tiska, Taska, and Baska spit their drinks out in shock over seeing the Stooges. The Stooges run towards the ladies with their arms open. ]
ALL STOOGES: Nyuuuh-uuuh-uuuuh!!
[ The ladies jump out of the way, and the Stooges end up crashing right into the chimney ]
ALL STOOGES: OHH!
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo!
[ The Stooges hold their heads in pain as they walk over to the ladies ]
TISKA: How did you zombies get out of jail?!
LARRY: We were innocent! The real murderers confessed!
MOE: The governor pardoned us!
CURLY: So here we are. And until death do us part. Nyuk, nyuk!
TISKA: Until death do us part, eh?
CURLY: Soitenly!
MOE: [ looking around ] Oh, boy, what a joint!
[ Tiska, Taska, and Baska whisper in each other’s ears, then look at the Stooges ]
TASKA: Okay, then. Give us a kiss.
CURLY: Ohh!
MOE: Honey!
[ The Stooges walk in front of the ladies ]
BASKA: Close your eyes!
[ The Stooges close their eyes. The ladies punch them in the face, knocking them backwards on the floor. ]
ALL STOOGES: OHH!! OH!!
TISKA: That’s just to let you know who’s going to be boss around here!
[ The Stooges get up from the floor ]
MOE: Oh, well, if that’s how it is… why, that’s how it is!
[ The Stooges extend their hand to the ladies ]
MOE: Shake!
[ As the ladies go in for a handshake, the Stooges grab the ladies’ hands and flip them over their shoulders, slamming them on the ground ]
TISKA, TASKA, AND BASKA: AAAAAHHOOWWWW!!
MOE: That’s just to let you know who’s gonna be boss around here!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Tiska, Taska, and Baska in their bedroom ]
BASKA: We’ve got to get rid of them. We’ve got to get rid of them!
TISKA: We’ll get rid of them! All we do is insist they become society gentlemen. We’ll make them take dancing lessons, fencing, baths…
[ The scene goes over to the Stooges in their bedroom. Moe is rubbing cream on his face, Larry is curling his hair, and Curly is spraying perfume on his head. ]
MOE: Boy, this oughta take off the pimples and blemishes!
LARRY: Yeah, maybe the skin, too.
MOE: Who cares? I’ll be a skinless frankfurter!
LARRY: Oh, I see.
[ Curly sprays perfume around his face while humming to himself, then notices another bottle of perfume ]
CURLY: Ooh!
[ Curly picks up the bottle and looks at the label, which says “FLEUR DE STINKUM”. He begins spraying around his face. ]
CURLY: [ clearing his throat ] Ahem… hem…
[ Curly opens his mouth and sprays the perfume inside of it. Then he picks a bottle of cologne and rubs some of it on his head. He holds the bottle closer and smells it. ]
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly drinks down some of the cologne, then pants heavily ]
CURLY: Smell good on the inside, too! Ha ha! Ain’t you the one?
[ Curly picks up some cream and slaps it all over his face, then cleans it off with a towel ]
MOE: Hey, listen!
[ Curly walks over to Moe and Larry ]
MOE: Now we’re in society, we gotta act like society.
CURLY: I refuse to act that dopey!
LARRY: Say, what do we know about society?
MOE: Well, startin’ tomorrow, we’re gonna learn! We gotta act like gentlemen so these dames we married won’t have any excuse for throwin’ us out.
CURLY: You mean to say I can’t go to sleep with my shoes on?
MOE: That’s exactly what I mean!
[ Curly makes a disappointed expression ]
MOE: Now get to bed… like a gentleman!
[ The Stooges march to their beds in a straight line with their hand on each other’s shoulder ]
MOE: Ding-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling-a-ling! [ clears throat ]
[ The Stooges quickly lay down in each of their beds. After a few seconds, they toss and turn and groan. ]
LARRY: Nahh! It’s no use, I can’t sleep in this bed!
CURLY: Me either - it’s too comfortable!
MOE: For once, I agree with you guys! We gotta fix these beds so we can feel at home.
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with a tight camera shot on the wooden bedroom floor with several wooden pieces ripped out from it. The camera pulls back and shows the Stooges finishing up with hammering together a triple bunk beds set made with the three beds and the wooden pieces from the floor. ]
CURLY: Oh, boy! Just like jail!
MOE: Yes, sir, all the comforts of home. Grab a bunk, boy!
[ Moe gets into the bottom bunk and Larry crawls into the middle bunk. Curly struggles to climb up to the top bunk. ]
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly steps on the side of the bottom bunk and lifts his leg, but bangs it on one of the wooden bars on the bed ]
CURLY: Hey! How do ya expect me to get up there?!
MOE: Figure that out for yourself!
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly looks over and notices a chair next to a table with a lamp on top of it ]
CURLY: Oh!
[ Curly picks up the chair and begins carrying it over to across the bedroom. He steps over the big hole in the wooden floor and almost falls. ]
CURLY: Mmm! That’s dangerous!
[ Curly puts the chair down, picks up a rug and covers the hole in the wooden floor with it. Then he picks up a stool and places it next to the bunk beds set. He takes the lamp off the table and moves the table on top of the stool, and piles the chair on top of the table and stool. Moe watches all of this in confusion. Curly grabs another chair and piles it on top of the first chair. Then he shakes the bottom of the furniture pile around a little to make sure it’s stable. ]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
[ Curly slowly climbs up the tall and shaky pile of furniture, as Moe and Larry watch. As he gets to the top, he leans his arms over towards the top bunk. ]
CURLY: I’m alright now! Nighty-night!!
MOE AND LARRY: [ grumpily ] Good night!
[ Curly leaps from the furniture pile onto the top bunk bed, and as soon as his body lands on the mattress, the mattress breaks though, causing Curly to crash down through Larry and Moe’s beds and pin Moe down all the way on the bottom. ]
CURLY: WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO-WOO!!
MOE: OHHHH!!
CURLY: Hmm! [ looking upwards ] Nyaah! [ to Moe and Larry ] I faw down!
LARRY: Oh, you did, eh?! [ begins slapping Curly repeatedly ]
CURLY: OW!!
LARRY: You faw down?!
CURLY: Shut up!!
MOE: [ trying to hit Curly ] Can I reach him?!
LARRY: Give it to him! That’s it!
CURLY: That’s what you get for puttin’ me on top!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges asleep, snoring loudly. They have the three mattresses laid out over the floor, but they’re all sleeping in the middle mattress together. They all turn over in their sleep at the same time every few seconds while mumbling. ]
[ The phone next to Moe rings. Moe wakes up and picks up the alarm clock next to him instead. ]
MOE: Quiet! Quiet!!
[ Moe throws the clock at the wall. The clock bounces off the wall and hits Moe right on the back of the head. ]
MOE: OH!! I’ve been sabotaged! I’ll get--
[ The phone rings again and Moe looks behind him and sees the phone, then picks it up ]
MOE: Hello?! [ pause ] W-- [ pause ] Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure! We’ll be right down. Okay!
[ Moe hangs up the phone, then wakes up Curly and Larry ]
MOE: Hey, fellas! Hey! Hey!! Hey!!
CURLY: [ sleepily ] I didn’t do it, warden. Honestly, I didn’t--
MOE: Never mind! Listen - our dancing teacher’s waiting.
LARRY: Dancing? Oh, boy!
CURLY: I gotta have my breakfast first!
MOE: We don’t eat till after we’ve taken our dancing lessons!
CURLY: I quit! [ lays back down ]
LARRY: You can’t quit - that’s what they want us to do!
MOE: [ pulling Curly by the nose ] Get up!
CURLY: OHH!! Ohhoho! Ohhhhh! Ohhh!
MOE: Get up!
[ As Moe lifts Curly up from the mattress, the camera reveals several hot water bags that Curly was laying over ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges at their dancing class ]
DANCING TEACHER: Now in order to become good dancers, you must follow me closely and do exactly as I do. Do you understand?
MOE: Okay.
DANCING TEACHER: Here’s a dance that’s most popular in society. You’ll never go amiss doing this.
[ A fly from a flower in the room buzzes over towards the dancing teacher ]
DANCING TEACHER: Now follow me closely and do exactly what I do. Ready?
[ The fly goes down the back of the teacher’s dress, causing her to move her arms and back around wildly ]
DANCING TEACHER: OHHHHH!!!! OOOOOHH!!
MOE: [ to Curly ] Well, get started! [ bonks Curly ]
CURLY: Oh! [ running in place ] Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!
[ Moe looks over at Larry and slaps him ]
[ All the Stooges begin jumping up and down and moving their arms each in their own crazy way while imitating the teacher who’s trying to get the fly out of her dress ]
DANCING TEACHER: WHOOOOOOAAAAA!! OOHHHHH!!!!
ALL STOOGES: OHH!! WHOAAAA!
DANCING TEACHER: WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
ALL STOOGES: OHHHH!! WOO-WOO-WOO!!
[ The teacher begins doing flips on the floor, and the Stooges do the same ]
DANCING TEACHER: OHHHHHH!!!
[ The teacher runs towards the window, followed by the Stooges. They all jump through the window. ]
ALL STOOGES: AAAAAHHHHHH!!
[ They fall out the window and land in a water fountain below. They all get up and Moe spits water from his mouth. Then he eyepokes Curly, who responds by spitting water in Moe’s face. Moe slaps Curly one more time. ]
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo!!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Diggins walking over to Tiska, Taska, and Baska inside their mansion ]
TISKA: Oh, there you are.
DIGGINS: Well, I came as fast as I could. What seems to be the trouble?
TISKA: Listen - you got us to marry those Frankensteins, now get us a divorce.
DIGGINS: Well, you have to have grounds for a divorce.
TISKA: Well, we made them take dancing lessons, and wear fancy clothes, even take baths ten times a day… but still they don’t complain!
DIGGINS: I’ve got it! You’ve got to give a big party. They’re bound to humiliate you. And all your society friends can testify for you. Divorce would be a cinch!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with a big party inside the mansion, held by Tiska, Taska, and Baska ]
[ Inside the Stooges’ bedroom, they’re dressed in tuxedoes and looking at themselves in the mirror ]
CURLY: I haven’t looked this pretty since I was a baby! Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
MOE: Come on, let’s check in. They’re waiting!
[ The Stooges pop their folded top hats open and put them on ]
MOE: Alright, watch your p’s and q’s. Come on.
CURLY: Don’t worry.
[ As the Stooges head towards the main dining room, the camera pulls back and reveal that they have no pants on and are in their underwear. They enter the dining room where the party is taking place. ]
MOE: Well, here we are! The life of the party, folks!
[ The guests look over at the Stooges and notice they’re missing their pants ]
ALL GUESTS: AAAAAHHH!!
ALL STOOGES: [ looking down ] WHOOAAAA!!
CURLY: Nyaaah-aaah-aaaaah!
[ The Stooges turn around and run back to their bedroom. Tiska walks with Diggins away from the guests. ]
DIGGINS: Well, my scheme is working!
TISKA: Mmm-hmm.
DIGGINS: [ to the butler ] Oh, Williams?
WILLIAMS: Yes, sir?
DIGGINS: Williams, when you bring that big cake in, I want you to--
[ Diggins whispers the rest of his sentence in Williams’ ear. Williams gasps in shock, then Diggins hands him a wad of cash. ]
WILLIAMS: [ smiling ] Yes, sir!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the Stooges at the food table setting their plates. Larry puts an entire chicken on his plate. ]
MOE: Hey! You gonna eat that chicken alone?
LARRY: No - maybe if I wait, I’ll get some potatoes!
MOE: What kind?
LARRY: Mashed!
MOE: You got ‘em! [ slaps Larry ]
[ Moe looks over at Curly, who’s stacking several pieces of meat on top of each other on his plate ]
MOE: Hey, whaddaya think you’re doin’, playin’ poker? Quit stackin’ the deck! [ hits Curly with celery ]
CURLY: Ohh! Hmm!
MOE: Quiet!
[ Tiska walks over to the food table ]
TISKA: Hello, boys. Wouldn’t you like some punch?
CURLY: Soitenly! And see what the boys in the back room will have! Nyuk nyuk nyuk! [ reaching his right arm ] Pass me the--
[ The fake cuff on Curly’s right arm falls off and lands in the punch bowl ]
CURLY: Ooh, I’m sorry. [ puts back on his cuff ] Nyuk nyuk!
WOMAN #1: I heard you’ve traveled a lot. Are you familiar with the Great Wall of
CURLY: No, but I know a big fence in
[ Moe pokes Curly in the eyes ]
CURLY: AAAUGH!!
[ Curly grabs his plate and acts like he’s going to hit Moe back ]
TISKA: [ pointing at another area ] Oh, wouldn’t you boys like to sit over there? It’s much more comfortable.
LARRY: Ain’t she hospital?
MOE: That’s where I’ll put you if you don’t be quiet! Go on!
[ The Stooges begin walking away ]
MOE: [ to Curly ] I say, Jasper, how’s your tapeworm?
CURLY: Oh, fine. They took the blue ribbon at
MOE: Fancy that!
CURLY: You fancy that!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Williams entering the room with a big cake. He looks over at Moe, who’s sitting and chatting with Tiska and Woman #1. ]
MOE: In former years, we traveled incognito. Then by freight. Ha ha! Now we just thumb it.
[ Williams gets a mischievous smirk on his face, then walks towards Moe while holding the cake high up in the air ]
MOE: But of all the rides I’ve taken, I liked best--
[ Suddenly, Williams pretends to trip on the floor and he dumps the cake right into Moe’s face. Tiska and Woman #1 get up from their chairs, gasping in shock. Moe slowly and angrily gets up from his chair. ]
TISKA: [ to Moe ] You clumsy oaf! You tripped him!
WOMAN #1: He certainly did not! The butler did it deliberately!
WILLIAMS: [ to Moe ] I did not, sir!
[ Moe swipes some cake from his face and throws it towards Williams, but Williams ducks and it hits Woman #1 instead. Woman #1 wipes the cake off her, then walks over to the food table and picks up a pie. ]
WILLIAMS: [ pointing at Moe ] He did it!
WOMAN #1: Thank you.
[ The woman looks at Moe, then suddenly hits Williams in the face with the pie instead ]
WOMAN #1: But you started it!
[ The woman swipes some more cake off of her and flicks it on Williams. She and Williams both walk back over to the food table. ]
[ In another part of the room, a senator is talking to Baska ]
SENATOR: As a rule, parties bore me, but I know I’m gonna get a big bang out of this one…
[ Suddenly, a pie flies across the room and hits the senator in the face ]
BASKA: Ohh! Senator, I’m so sorry!
[ The senator picks some pie off of his face and throws it at Baska’s face ]
BASKA: AAAAHHH!!!
WOMAN #1: [ laughing, to Williams ] You missed me!
WILLIAMS: Oh, yeah?!
[ Williams hits the woman with a pie. After a few seconds of silence, the woman and Williams both laugh hysterically and playfully run back over to the food table. ]
TISKA: Wait, wait, wait!!
[ The senator rushes over ]
SENATOR: Who did that?! Who threw that?!
WOMAN #1: [ laughing, pointing at Williams ] He did!
SENATOR: Oh, you did, huh?! [ picks up a pie ]
BASKA: Stop it! Do you hear me?
[ Suddenly, a pie hits Baska in the face ]
BASKA: Stop it!!
[ Meanwhile, Curly is in the middle of a conversation with a female guest ]
CURLY: …and there we were, in mud up to here…
[ As Curly bends down to point to his knee, a pie flies across from the room and hits the female guest in the face ]
WOMAN #2: OHH!
CURLY: Hmm!
[ A pie hits Curly in the face ]
CURLY: Ohh! [ angrily ] Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
WOWAN #2: Ohh, who did this???
CURLY: I’ll find out!
[ Curly walks over to the food table ]
CURLY: What’s the idea?! Who interfered with my romance?! [ picks up a pie ] Why you--!!
TISKA: Gentlemen, gentlemen! Please! Please!
[ The senator splatters a pie right into Tiska’s face ]
TISKA: Auuugh!
SENATOR: We strive to please!!
[ Moe re-enters the scene ]
MOE: Stop, stop! This has gone far enough! Love thy neighbor!
[ Curly, Williams, Woman #1, and the Senator dump pies all over Moe ]
WOMAN #1: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!
MOE: [ to Curly ] Why you-- [ picks up a pie ]
CURLY: Woo!
[ Meanwhile, a lion hunter is telling Taska and Woman #3 a story ]
LION HUNTER: …when I raised my rifle and fired! [ points his arms ]
[ The lion hunter gets hit with a pie from across the room ]
LION HUNTER: Naturally, the, uh… the lions halted. [ turns around ] So I turned to my right… and there coming towards me was a-- [ gets hit with another pie ] …another lion!
[ Taska gets hit with a pie, then walks away ]
LION HUNTER: But did it scare me? Not a bit. Oh, no soldier like I am! [ turns around ] Well, I turned to come face-to-face with-- [ gets hit with another pie ] …another lion! Just at that moment, that very moment, I heard a roar to my left! The lion that I thought that I killed… was only wounded! Ha ha ha! Wounded!
[ Woman #3 gets hit with a pie ]
WOMAN #3: Ohh!! [ walks away ]
LION HUNTER: But you understand exactly what I’m talking about! Well, at that time, well there I was… [ points ] One lion here, one lion there… nothing but my trusty knife and my bare fist, but there I was about-- [ gets hit with another pie ] Ohh, me! Never have I been through such a lion fight!
[ Taska rushes over to the food table ]
TASKA: Somebody give me a pie!!
[ Moe and Curly splatter pies in Taska’s face ]
TASKA: AAAHH!!
[ Across the room, Larry is inside a suit of armor and watching the pie fight ]
LARRY: Ahh ha ha--
[ Larry gets hit with a pie, then the opening of the armor helmet he’s wearing clanks shut on his face ]
[ Moe has a pie in his hand and is about to throw it at Curly ]
MOE: You--
[ Woman #3 walks over and Moe looks at her pie-covered face ]
MOE: Ha ha ha ha!
WOMAN #3: Funny, isn’t it?
MOE: Yeah!
[ Woman #3 pushes Moe’s hand toward his face, causing Moe to splatter the pie in his hand into his own face ]
WOMAN #1: [ to Woman #3 ] You’re that cutie pie!! I’ll--! [ throws a pie at her ]
[ Curly picks up a pie and ducks away from the scene ]
CURLY: Nyaaah!
MOE: Why--! [ looking for Curly ] Where is he?!
CURLY: [ holding up his pie ] Nyuk nyuk nyuk!
[ Before Curly can throw the pie, he gets hit with another pie from across the room ]
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly tries to throw his pie, but gets hit yet again with another pie ]
CURLY: Hmm!
[ Curly sees another pie headed at him ]
CURLY: Nyaaah-aaaah-aaaah!
[ Curly quickly splatters his pie into his own face before the next pie can hit him ]
CURLY: Nyuk nyuk nyuk! [ sticks out his tongue ] Mmm!
[ Curly gets hit with the next pie ]
CURLY: Hmmm-mmm-mmm!! Hmmm!!
[ Curly and Larry walk over to the food table ]
LARRY: Y-- Who threw that pie?!
MOE: Shaddup you, or I’ll--
[ Moe hits Larry and Curly with another pie off-camera as Diggins enters and watches in shock ]
LARRY AND CURLY: OHH!
MOE: Why you!
[ Diggins quickly storms over to the Stooges ]
DIGGINS: Why you dirty tramps!! You’ve disgraced your wives and their guests, now GET OUT!!! [ triple-slaps the Stooges ]
ALL STOOGES: OHH!
[ Tiska, Taska, and Baska sneak up behind Diggins with pies hidden behind their backs ]
DIGGINS: [ to the Stooges ] I’ll have your marriage annulled at once!!
BASKA: Oh, yeah?!
[ Diggins turns over to the ladies ]
TISKA: Your little scheme--
TASKA: It worked beautifully!
[ The ladies throw their pies into Diggins’ face, followed by the Stooges dumping pies all over Diggins’ head ]
THE END
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