Great Movie Comedians, The (From Charlie Chaplin to Woody Allen)
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Transcribed By: Giff me dat fill-em!
Date Added: 2002-07-15
PLAYERS
WALTERS: Vernon Dent
LYMAN: John Tyrell
WILLIAMS: Ned Glass
NURSE: Evelyn Young
BUTCH: Cy Schindell
CASSIDY: Bert Young
SCENE 1 (Ye Colonial Inn)
(restaurant sign reads: Ye Colonial Inn presents those Hilarious Hash Slingers, America''s Gift to Indigestion. Waitress leads two gentlemen to a table, then blows a bugle. The Stooges march out from the kitchen wearing colonial costumes and playing drums with wooden spoons)
STOOGES: (signing)
Our Yankee Noodle soup is good
You''ll find it is no phony
If you don''t have the noodle soup
We''ll serve you macaroni
Hah-h-ha-hah-ha-ha-ha
Hah-h-hah-hah-ha-hah (Curly begins giggling, Moe bonks him)
MOE: Come on! Hiya doctor.
WALTERS: What have you today, boys?
MOE: (to Curly) Tell ''em what we have.
CURLY: Well, doc, I got a terrific pain right here. (points to his throat) Every time I squeeze my Adams apple, I can taste cider. (Moe nose-flicks Curly) Ooh!
WALTERS: We''ll have the Merchant''s Lunch.
MOE: Okay, Merchant''s Lunch on two! (Curly and Larry open their drums and begin serving the men)
LARRY: (pulls filled glasses from his pockets) Ice water, comin'' up!
CURLY: (to Lyman) This soup is a marvelous accomplishment. It''s a prodigious achievement. You''ll love it, it''s putrid! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.
WALTERS: Say, Dr. Lyman, if we can get these silly fellows to call on little Betty, their antics might snap her out of her lethargy.
LYMAN: That might be worth a try.
WALTERS: Oh boys, I''m going to ask you to do something that may save the life of a little girl. Will you do it?
CURLY: Certainly, what is it?
WALTERS: Well, this is the situation. This little girl''s father is a bank cashier who disappeared with 300,000 dollars worth of bonds.
CURLY: Hhhm, nice work, if you can get it.
WALTERS: The police figure that he was kidnapped while delivering these bonds. But his little girl __
SCENE 2 (Hospital Room)
BETTY: Someone please bring back my daddy.
NURSE: Yes darling, but look what the doctor''s brought you.
(Moe, Larry and Curly appear dressed as little girls. Moe is carrying three lollipops and offers them to Betty)
MOE: Hello.
LARRY: Hello.
CURLY: Hello.
LARRY: Ooh, lollipops! I want a lollipop! (Moe retreats, shaking his head)
CURLY: Give me a lollipop!
LARRY: Aw, give us a pop!
MOE: Oh, you want a pop!
CURLY: Yeah!
MOE: Oh __ (Moe double-slaps Larry and Curly)
CURLY: (steals two pops from Moe and hands one to Larry. They both happily begin licking. Curly sticks out his tongue at Moe. Moe grabs his pop and smashes it on Curly''s forehead) Ooh! You broke my lollipop! My lollipop! (Moe hits Curly in the stomach and the forehead) Oh! - Oh! - Oh! - Oh! - Oh!
ALL THREE:
Oooooh __ The lollipop, the lollipop
The la-la-la-lollipop!
CURLY: Woo-woo!!
LARRY: A train going to Kansas City, a hundred and twenty miles an hour, what''s the engineer''s name?
MOE: I don''t know, what''s the engineer''s name?
LARRY: Pat McCartney!
MOE: How do you know?
LARRY: I asked him!! (Curly makes train whistle noises __ the doctors laugh heartily)
CURLY: Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, and one measly pephtunia!
MOE: A what?
CURLY: Pephtunia!! Pephtunia!!
MOE: Don''t you mean chrisanthinthinamumum?
CURLY: I mean Pephtunia!!
MOE: I heard you the first time! (slap!)
CURLY: Oh! Oooh! Woah!
NURSE: Ha-ha-ha � (to Betty) wasn''t that funny, darling?
BETTY: I want my daddy. (the Stooges and the doctors exit the room in failed sadness)
LYMAN: Its no use, unless we find the girl''s father, she''ll never get well.
MOE: Then, we''ll find him!
WALTERS: But how, gentlemen?
CURLY: You said the little girl and her father always yodeled to each other like this, Yodel-adee-adee-oh-da- laydee-ooo!
LYMAN: That''s what the little girl said.
LARRY: Well, that''s all we want to know!
MOE: If he''ll answer that yodel, we''ll find him!
WALTERS: Remember, gentlemen, he''s 40 years old, has a bald spot on his head, and an anchor tattooed on his shoulder.
LYMAN: __ and he''s five-foot-ten in his stocking feet.
CURLY: In his STOCKING feet � Oooohh! (grabs a nearby stick)
LARRY: __ his stocking feet!
MOE: (to Curly) What''s that for?
CURLY: To measure him!
LYMAN: Good luck, gentlemen! (offers his hand)
ALL: Goodbye __ goodbye doctor __ goodbye __ goodbye
MOE: Spread out!
CURLY: GOOD-BYE!
MOE: Where are you going?
CURLY: To find the little girl''s father.
MOE: Goodbye, doc.
SCENE 3 (Street)
(Larry hops up on Moe''s back and snatches the hat off a passing pedestrian)
LARRY: No bald spot.
CURLY: (using measuring stick) Too short.
(they approach another pedestrian, Larry jerks off his hat)
LARRY: No bald spot.
MOE: (ripping off the pedestrian''s shirt sleeve) No tattoo.
CURLY: No nuthin''!!
MOE: (seeing an approaching pedestrian) Heads up __
LARRY: Is that the sun up there?
CURLY: I don''t know, I''m a stranger in town.
(all three stare into the sky, causing the pedestrian to also look up. Moe and Larry light a match under his shoes)
LARRY: Don''t forget, five-foot-ten in his stocking feet.
MOE: Okay.
PEDESTRIAN: Oh! Ow! Ooooh! (pulls off shoes revealing his bare feet, then runs off)
MOE: That can''t be him.
LARRY: Why not?
MOE: He ain''t got no stockings on.
CURLY: He''s got his legs on backwards!
MOE: Aw, get going.
(they approach a worker painting on his hands and knees, Curly tries to measure him)
CURLY: Hhmm, two-foot-nine!
LARRY: Its a midget!
(they approach a horse and buggy, Curly begins to measure the horse)
MOE: Hey, what are you trying to do?
CURLY: Don''t you believe in reincarnation?
MOE: __ reincarnation! (slap!)
CURLY: Rrruff!!
MOE: Don''t you bark at me!
LARRY: Get outa there! (Moe and Larry push Curly into yet another pedestrian)
CURLY: Oh, bumping into people, eh? How tall are you?
LARRY: Have you got a bald spot?
MOE: Can you yodel?
BUTCH: Crazy people!! (runs off)
MOE: See how suspicious he acted?
LARRY: That must be him!
CURLY: Lets get him!!
MOE: Come on!! (they chase after Butch, accidentally crashing into a man carrying pails of beer)
CURLY: I''m sorry, mister.
MOE: Yeah, come on kid, we''ll go in and buy you some more beer.
MAN: Oh, my beer!
MOE: Come on, we''ll buy you some more. (they go into tavern)
(Butch runs passed a detective on a street phone, then skulks away)
CASSIDY: Hello, hello __ this is Sergeant Cassidy. Any more news on that missing bank cashier? Huh? Yeah, I''ll take care of it, alright. (hangs up phone)
(the man with full pails and the Stooges exit the tavern)
MAN: Thank you, fellas __ you''re sure swell guys.
MOE: That''s alright, I hope your friends enjoy the beer. (Moe spots the detective and mistakes him for Butch) Look!! __ come on!!
(they run after the suspect knocking over the man with the beer pails again)
CURLY: We asked you a question!!
CASSIDY: You did?
MOE: Yeah, can you yodel?
CASSIDY: Can I yodel?
LARRY: Have you got an anchor tattooed on your shoulder?
CASSIDY: What''s it to you, anyway?
CURLY: Oh, a wise guy! (Curly knocks him down and they drag him into the corner)
CASSIDY: Ooooohhh!!!
MOE: Come on, boys __ get him. Lay him up in the corner and undress him. (they begin stripping the detective)
LARRY: See if you can find any identification!
CURLY: See if he''s got any marks!
MOE: Wait, take it easy, now!
LARRY: Look for the tattoo mark!
MOE: Look out for the shoe.
LARRY: I got it.
(they each rip off an article of clothing and begin searching)
MOE: No bonds.
LARRY: No identification.
CURLY: Oh, yes there is! (shows the others a badge) He''s a boy scout!
MOE: He''s a detective!! (they run off)
CURLY: Nyah-nyah-nyah! __ Woob-woob-woob-woob!
CASSIDY: I''ll get you!
(the boys knock over the same man exiting the tavern with yet another full load of beer. The man, totally frustrated, begins crushing the pails with his feet. The detective approaches, and wanting to vent his own frustration, grabs the man)
CASSIDY: Oh, drunk again, huh? Come on, I''ve had enough of this, now!! Come on, come on!
MOE: Boy, that was a narrow escape.
LARRY: Yeah, I''m disgusted. I''m gonna quit!
MOE: Wait a minute! There''s no quitting until we find the little girl''s father, remember that! (slap!) (to Curly) Start yodeling!
CURLY: Hold this. (hands measuring stick to Moe) Yodel-adee- adee-oh-da-laydee-ooo! (a pail of water is dumped on Curly) Hhhmmm! (trades places with Moe)
MOE: Who are you pushing around?
CURLY: Yodel-adee-adee-oh-da-laydee-ooo! (Curly again is dumped with water) Hhhmmm!! (trades places with Larry) Yodel-adee-adee-oh-da-laydee-ooo! (Curly ducks, but nothing happens) Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!! (Curly is hit with a flower vase) Hhhmm! Woooo __
MOE: Whats a matter with you!
CURLY: What''s the idea? (Moe slaps Curly)
LARRY: No one slinks around like that, eh?
SCENE 4 (Apartment Hideout)
BUTCH: (Spike has Williams handcuffed to a bed) Hey Spike, open up, its Butch.
SPIKE: (lets Butch in) It''s about time you showed up. How much longer are we gonna stall around like this?
BUTCH: Quit your squawking, as soon as the heat cools off, the boss says we take him bye-bye. Then we scram to South America with the 300 grand.
SPIKE: Well, I''m not waiting, I''m gonna see the boss. (leaves the apartment)
BUTCH: Okay by me. (to Williams) Hiya, babe. (Butch settles down in a chair and turns on the radio)
RADIO:
I''m a cowboy from the western plains
I hate city streets and I hate city trains
Odee-laydee-adee-ooh-delayoh-tee __
SCENE 5 (Street)
(the boys hear the radio from the street)
CURLY: It''s him!! __ It''s him!! __ It''s him!!
MOE: Come on!!
CURLY: Yodel-adee-adee-oh-da-laydee-ooo! (Curly is hit with a chair) Oh! Oh! Hhmm!!
RADIO: Odee-laydee-adee-ooh-delayoh-tee __
MOE: It''s him! Quick, answer him!
CURLY: Not me!! There may be a loose piano up there!
MOE: Why you __
RADIO: Odee-laydee-adee-ooh-delayoh-tee __
MOE: Hey, it''s over in that house over there. Come on! (Curly backs up, then starts to charge) Hey, what are you doing?
CURLY: I''m winding up for a flying start.
MOE: Oh, hold that. (hands Curly the measuring stick)
CURLY: Oh, certainly.
MOE: FLY!! (kicks Curly __ they run to the door of the apartment)
LARRY: It''s locked.
CURLY: Come on! (they back up and get ready to crash the door) One __ two __ two-and-a-half __ (Moe and Larry rush forward) Wait a minute! __ THREE!! (they crash the door)
SCENE 6 (Apartment Building)
RADIO: Odee-laydee-adee-ooh-delayoh-tee __
MOE: Answer that, Swiss Cheese.
CURLY: Yodel-adee-adee-oh-da-laydee-ooo!
SCENE 7 (Apartment Hideout)
RADIO: __ cavorting, prancing, son-of-a-gun __ (Butch turns off radio, then draws pistol and approaches the door)
BUTCH: Who''s there?
CURLY: Termites!
BUTCH: Oh __ a wise guy, eh? (Butch enters the hallway) Scram, wise guy! (Curly and Larry bite the back of Butch''s legs) Aaaahh!! (Butch''s pistol flies up, then comes down on his head, knocking him out. The boys drag him into the apartment)
MOE: (to Williams) Are you Betty William''s father? (Williams nods. Curly removes the gag)
WILLIAMS: I don''t know who you fellas are, but I can never repay you for this!
CURLY: Tut, tut and tish, tish. Look! He''s handcuffed!
WILLIAMS: Yeah, it''s tied to the bed.
MOE: Get up, I got an idea. (Williams gets up) Heave-ho! (they throw off the mattress and springs) We''ll have to take this bed frame apart and slide it through the handcuffs. Alright, get busy __ put some beef on it, now. (Butch comes to and sneaks up behind Moe) Come on, a little more __ Alley Oop! (they pull up the bed rail and it socks Butch in the jaw) Alright, slide it! (the rail pokes Butch in the midsection causing him to hit the floor)
CURLY: (gets hit in the face with the handcuffs) Ooh! Hhhmm! What''s the idea, always hitting people �
LARRY: Stop arguing, it''s off, ain''t it? (tosses away bed rail)
MOE: (looking at the handcuffs on William''s wrist) This one''s locked too, what''ll we do now?
CURLY: Well, you break the arm off about there, then you __ you don''t like that? Well, then we can blast. (punch!) Oh!!
MOE: Get outa here! (to Larry) You go get __
(They notice Butch, whose got the bed rail bent over his head)
CURLY: Oh, look! Bent to fit the head! (Curly picks up the rail) Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk __
MOE: We gotta get going, drop that! We __ (Curly drops the rail on Moe''s foot) Ow!
(Moe begins hopping with pain, Curly and Larry begin dancing)
CURLY/LARRY: Hoonta-hah! Hotta-hotta-hoonta-hah! (they bump each other) Oh!!
MOE: Come on, we gotta get outa here! Come on __
WILLIAMS: Wait, my bonds! (pulls bonds from behind a picture on the wall)
CURLY: (to unconscious Butch) See, thought you''d get ''em, eh? Rruff!
MOE: Come on __ (grabs Curly by the ear)
CURLY: Grrr, one minute! Woob-woob-woob! (they all race from the room)
WILLIAMS: Get back! Shhh! Get back! (pushes the boys back into the room) Here comes the mob!
MOE: Quick, barricade the door!
(Curly starts piling books in front of the door while the others pick up the mattress)
CURLY: You know, I got the whole thing __ (they push Curly between the mattress and the door)
MOE: Hey, somebody''s in the mattress __ quick, kill ''em!!
LARRY: (grabs a chair and whacks the mattress) I got him.
CURLY: (pulls down mattress) No ya didn''t! (Moe pulls Curly over with his nose) Oooh!
SPIKE: (knocking on door) Hey Butch, let us in.
LARRY: We''re trapped like rats!
MOE: Speak for yourself, rodent! (bonk!)
SPIKE: Open up __ open up, I said! (begins pushing on the door)
WILLIAMS: (pointing) __ the dumbwaiter!
CURLY: Hey, I resent that!
MOE: Not you, the other dumbwaiter! (to Williams) You go down first and send it right back up __ hurry! (Williams jumps in the dumbwaiter and disappears __ Moe forces Curly to block the door) You, take care of this!
CURLY: Oohh!!
(Williams trips the latch and sends the dumbwaiter back up)
SPIKE: (punching a hole in the door and poking his head through) Open this door! Hey! Let go of my head! (Moe and Curly wedge a chair on Spike''s head, trapping him in the door) Hey! Cut it out! Hey, you''re choking me! Cut it out!
MOE: (to Curly) Get outa here! Get down and send it right back up! (Curly runs for the dumbwaiter)
SPIKE: You''ll pay for this __ (Moe eyepokes Spike) Aaahh!! Aaahh!! Cut it out, I tell ya! (Moe plucks mustache hair from Spike and puts it on Larry''s head)
(Curly tries to send up the dumbwaiter but doesn''t notice the latch, ultimately ripping the floor off the dumbwaiter. Curly sends it up anyway)
WILLIAMS: Here, I found a file, get me out of these, will ya? They''re killing me! (Curly begins filing away at the cuffs)
MOE: (seeing the dumbwaiter is back up) Come on, let''s go! (Moe and Larry run for the dumbwaiter)
SPIKE: Let me out of here, hey!! Let me out of here, hey!!
MOE/LARRY: So long! __ Aaaaaaaaahhhh!! (they fall down to the basement landing on top of Curly and Williams)
SCENE 8 (Apartment Basement)
CURLY: Oh, oh __ what happened? What happened?
MOE: (seeing detached flooring) What happened?! __ (picks up a board) I''ll murder you!
CURLY: Look out! Look out, Moe __ look out! (Moe swings board at Curly, but hits the light instead, sending them into pitch darkness __ in the blackness, we hear Curly fall into water) Moe, Larry! Moe, Larry! I''m drowning! Get me out! Woob-woob-woob-woob! Help me, I''m drowning!
MOE: What''s the matter?
LARRY: Wait a minute, I''ll strike this! (strikes a match, revealing Curly standing in a pail of water)
CURLY: Moe, Larry! Woob-woob-woob-woob __
MOE: Hey, Porpoise!
CURLY: Oh, help me, I''m drowning! Ooohh __ I thought I was drowning.
MOE: Come on out of there __ (honks Curly''s nose)
LARRY: (match burns to his finger) Ouch!! (the light goes black again)
CURLY: (finding a light bulb) Oh! A light! __ I''m not gonna walk around in the dark any longer, I''m gonna take this with me! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk __ (unscrews light bulb, and begins carrying it around, STILL lit)
MOE: He''s haunted!
CURLY: (realizing his dilemma) Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!! (drops bulb, once again sending them into pitch darkness)
MOE: Idiot!
CURLY: I get tired of following you, I''ll lead the way!
MOE: Don''t get started __
CURLY: Okay, � Hey, fellas, I found the steps!! (Curly lights a match, revealing him on the top rung of a step- ladder) You see, I told you, all you gotta do is follow me and I''ll __ Uah-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!! (Curly topples on the top of the step-ladder just as his match goes out, putting them once again into pitch darkness __ Curly is heard crashing to the floor) Help, help! Fellas, I''m stabbed!! Moe, Larry!
MOE: Get the lights!! Hurry up __ hurry!
LARRY: (lighting a match) Here it is! (reveals Curly being run-through with a spear)
CURLY: I''m stabbed! Oh __ oh __ I''m stabbed! I''m dead! I''m murdered! I''m killed! I''m annihilated! What''ll the World do without me? (Moe notices that Curly''s "spearing" is a theatrical prop, and he isn''t "speared" at all) What''ll I do without myself!? I''m slaughtered! I''m annihilated! I''m destroyed! I''m barbequed! I''m done for! __ (to Moe) Can you think of anything else?
MOE: (showing the prop to Curly) No, you''ve covered it all.
CURLY: I''m not even wounded?
MOE: That''s what YOU think! (pokes Curly in the gut with the spear)
CURLY: Ohh!! Ooohh!!
(Butch and the Mob appear in the basement)
BUTCH: There they are!
SPIKE: Get ''em!! (they rush into the basement) Get ''em, boys!
(they begin fighting and the lights go out again __ after a moment, the room becomes quiet)
CURLY: Hey Moe __ Hey Larry! I think I got them! (Curly strikes a match � the bad guys are knocked out in a heap on the floor) Aah, I took care of you guys, eh? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk- nyuk-nyuk. Hey Moe, Hey Larry! I took care of them! (Moe and Larry are also knocked out) I __ Nyah!! I took care of you, too! Oh, a candle! Where have you been hiding all night? (lights the candle __ dips a pail of water and tosses it at Moe and Larry, but the water misses and splashes the bad guys instead) Nyah-ah-ah!! Woob-woob-woob-woob! (Curly runs over and conks each bad guy as the stand up with the pail, they fall knocked out again) Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk! (Moe awakens and taps Curly on the shoulder, he turns around and conks Moe with the pail)
MOE: Oooh!!
CURLY: I''m sorry, I didn''t mean it, Moe! What happened, what happened?
Moe: Give me that! (snatches pail from Curly and conks him)
CURLY: Ooh-oh-oh!!
MOE: (to Larry, still passed out) Wake up, you __ we gotta get outa here! (conks Larry on the head with the pail)
LARRY: Where are we?
MOE: Never mind where you are __ come on.
CURLY: Listen __
LARRY: Call the police __
SCENE 9 (Ye Colonial Inn)
ALL THREE: (dressed as cowboys, singing)
Home, home on the range (on the range)
Where the roast and the pies lead to play
(Williams and Betty are reunited, she''s cured of her lethargy)
Our apple pie''s fine __
CURLY: I''ll take custard for mine __
MOE AND LARRY: Oh, custard __
CURLY: Soitenly! (Moe and Larry splat Curly with pies)
ALL THREE: And now everything is okay
Oh, its okay!
THE END
WALTERS: Vernon Dent
LYMAN: John Tyrell
WILLIAMS: Ned Glass
NURSE: Evelyn Young
BUTCH: Cy Schindell
CASSIDY: Bert Young
SCENE 1 (Ye Colonial Inn)
(restaurant sign reads: Ye Colonial Inn presents those Hilarious Hash Slingers, America''s Gift to Indigestion. Waitress leads two gentlemen to a table, then blows a bugle. The Stooges march out from the kitchen wearing colonial costumes and playing drums with wooden spoons)
STOOGES: (signing)
Our Yankee Noodle soup is good
You''ll find it is no phony
If you don''t have the noodle soup
We''ll serve you macaroni
Hah-h-ha-hah-ha-ha-ha
Hah-h-hah-hah-ha-hah (Curly begins giggling, Moe bonks him)
MOE: Come on! Hiya doctor.
WALTERS: What have you today, boys?
MOE: (to Curly) Tell ''em what we have.
CURLY: Well, doc, I got a terrific pain right here. (points to his throat) Every time I squeeze my Adams apple, I can taste cider. (Moe nose-flicks Curly) Ooh!
WALTERS: We''ll have the Merchant''s Lunch.
MOE: Okay, Merchant''s Lunch on two! (Curly and Larry open their drums and begin serving the men)
LARRY: (pulls filled glasses from his pockets) Ice water, comin'' up!
CURLY: (to Lyman) This soup is a marvelous accomplishment. It''s a prodigious achievement. You''ll love it, it''s putrid! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk.
WALTERS: Say, Dr. Lyman, if we can get these silly fellows to call on little Betty, their antics might snap her out of her lethargy.
LYMAN: That might be worth a try.
WALTERS: Oh boys, I''m going to ask you to do something that may save the life of a little girl. Will you do it?
CURLY: Certainly, what is it?
WALTERS: Well, this is the situation. This little girl''s father is a bank cashier who disappeared with 300,000 dollars worth of bonds.
CURLY: Hhhm, nice work, if you can get it.
WALTERS: The police figure that he was kidnapped while delivering these bonds. But his little girl __
SCENE 2 (Hospital Room)
BETTY: Someone please bring back my daddy.
NURSE: Yes darling, but look what the doctor''s brought you.
(Moe, Larry and Curly appear dressed as little girls. Moe is carrying three lollipops and offers them to Betty)
MOE: Hello.
LARRY: Hello.
CURLY: Hello.
LARRY: Ooh, lollipops! I want a lollipop! (Moe retreats, shaking his head)
CURLY: Give me a lollipop!
LARRY: Aw, give us a pop!
MOE: Oh, you want a pop!
CURLY: Yeah!
MOE: Oh __ (Moe double-slaps Larry and Curly)
CURLY: (steals two pops from Moe and hands one to Larry. They both happily begin licking. Curly sticks out his tongue at Moe. Moe grabs his pop and smashes it on Curly''s forehead) Ooh! You broke my lollipop! My lollipop! (Moe hits Curly in the stomach and the forehead) Oh! - Oh! - Oh! - Oh! - Oh!
ALL THREE:
Oooooh __ The lollipop, the lollipop
The la-la-la-lollipop!
CURLY: Woo-woo!!
LARRY: A train going to Kansas City, a hundred and twenty miles an hour, what''s the engineer''s name?
MOE: I don''t know, what''s the engineer''s name?
LARRY: Pat McCartney!
MOE: How do you know?
LARRY: I asked him!! (Curly makes train whistle noises __ the doctors laugh heartily)
CURLY: Mary, Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, and one measly pephtunia!
MOE: A what?
CURLY: Pephtunia!! Pephtunia!!
MOE: Don''t you mean chrisanthinthinamumum?
CURLY: I mean Pephtunia!!
MOE: I heard you the first time! (slap!)
CURLY: Oh! Oooh! Woah!
NURSE: Ha-ha-ha � (to Betty) wasn''t that funny, darling?
BETTY: I want my daddy. (the Stooges and the doctors exit the room in failed sadness)
LYMAN: Its no use, unless we find the girl''s father, she''ll never get well.
MOE: Then, we''ll find him!
WALTERS: But how, gentlemen?
CURLY: You said the little girl and her father always yodeled to each other like this, Yodel-adee-adee-oh-da- laydee-ooo!
LYMAN: That''s what the little girl said.
LARRY: Well, that''s all we want to know!
MOE: If he''ll answer that yodel, we''ll find him!
WALTERS: Remember, gentlemen, he''s 40 years old, has a bald spot on his head, and an anchor tattooed on his shoulder.
LYMAN: __ and he''s five-foot-ten in his stocking feet.
CURLY: In his STOCKING feet � Oooohh! (grabs a nearby stick)
LARRY: __ his stocking feet!
MOE: (to Curly) What''s that for?
CURLY: To measure him!
LYMAN: Good luck, gentlemen! (offers his hand)
ALL: Goodbye __ goodbye doctor __ goodbye __ goodbye
MOE: Spread out!
CURLY: GOOD-BYE!
MOE: Where are you going?
CURLY: To find the little girl''s father.
MOE: Goodbye, doc.
SCENE 3 (Street)
(Larry hops up on Moe''s back and snatches the hat off a passing pedestrian)
LARRY: No bald spot.
CURLY: (using measuring stick) Too short.
(they approach another pedestrian, Larry jerks off his hat)
LARRY: No bald spot.
MOE: (ripping off the pedestrian''s shirt sleeve) No tattoo.
CURLY: No nuthin''!!
MOE: (seeing an approaching pedestrian) Heads up __
LARRY: Is that the sun up there?
CURLY: I don''t know, I''m a stranger in town.
(all three stare into the sky, causing the pedestrian to also look up. Moe and Larry light a match under his shoes)
LARRY: Don''t forget, five-foot-ten in his stocking feet.
MOE: Okay.
PEDESTRIAN: Oh! Ow! Ooooh! (pulls off shoes revealing his bare feet, then runs off)
MOE: That can''t be him.
LARRY: Why not?
MOE: He ain''t got no stockings on.
CURLY: He''s got his legs on backwards!
MOE: Aw, get going.
(they approach a worker painting on his hands and knees, Curly tries to measure him)
CURLY: Hhmm, two-foot-nine!
LARRY: Its a midget!
(they approach a horse and buggy, Curly begins to measure the horse)
MOE: Hey, what are you trying to do?
CURLY: Don''t you believe in reincarnation?
MOE: __ reincarnation! (slap!)
CURLY: Rrruff!!
MOE: Don''t you bark at me!
LARRY: Get outa there! (Moe and Larry push Curly into yet another pedestrian)
CURLY: Oh, bumping into people, eh? How tall are you?
LARRY: Have you got a bald spot?
MOE: Can you yodel?
BUTCH: Crazy people!! (runs off)
MOE: See how suspicious he acted?
LARRY: That must be him!
CURLY: Lets get him!!
MOE: Come on!! (they chase after Butch, accidentally crashing into a man carrying pails of beer)
CURLY: I''m sorry, mister.
MOE: Yeah, come on kid, we''ll go in and buy you some more beer.
MAN: Oh, my beer!
MOE: Come on, we''ll buy you some more. (they go into tavern)
(Butch runs passed a detective on a street phone, then skulks away)
CASSIDY: Hello, hello __ this is Sergeant Cassidy. Any more news on that missing bank cashier? Huh? Yeah, I''ll take care of it, alright. (hangs up phone)
(the man with full pails and the Stooges exit the tavern)
MAN: Thank you, fellas __ you''re sure swell guys.
MOE: That''s alright, I hope your friends enjoy the beer. (Moe spots the detective and mistakes him for Butch) Look!! __ come on!!
(they run after the suspect knocking over the man with the beer pails again)
CURLY: We asked you a question!!
CASSIDY: You did?
MOE: Yeah, can you yodel?
CASSIDY: Can I yodel?
LARRY: Have you got an anchor tattooed on your shoulder?
CASSIDY: What''s it to you, anyway?
CURLY: Oh, a wise guy! (Curly knocks him down and they drag him into the corner)
CASSIDY: Ooooohhh!!!
MOE: Come on, boys __ get him. Lay him up in the corner and undress him. (they begin stripping the detective)
LARRY: See if you can find any identification!
CURLY: See if he''s got any marks!
MOE: Wait, take it easy, now!
LARRY: Look for the tattoo mark!
MOE: Look out for the shoe.
LARRY: I got it.
(they each rip off an article of clothing and begin searching)
MOE: No bonds.
LARRY: No identification.
CURLY: Oh, yes there is! (shows the others a badge) He''s a boy scout!
MOE: He''s a detective!! (they run off)
CURLY: Nyah-nyah-nyah! __ Woob-woob-woob-woob!
CASSIDY: I''ll get you!
(the boys knock over the same man exiting the tavern with yet another full load of beer. The man, totally frustrated, begins crushing the pails with his feet. The detective approaches, and wanting to vent his own frustration, grabs the man)
CASSIDY: Oh, drunk again, huh? Come on, I''ve had enough of this, now!! Come on, come on!
MOE: Boy, that was a narrow escape.
LARRY: Yeah, I''m disgusted. I''m gonna quit!
MOE: Wait a minute! There''s no quitting until we find the little girl''s father, remember that! (slap!) (to Curly) Start yodeling!
CURLY: Hold this. (hands measuring stick to Moe) Yodel-adee- adee-oh-da-laydee-ooo! (a pail of water is dumped on Curly) Hhhmmm! (trades places with Moe)
MOE: Who are you pushing around?
CURLY: Yodel-adee-adee-oh-da-laydee-ooo! (Curly again is dumped with water) Hhhmmm!! (trades places with Larry) Yodel-adee-adee-oh-da-laydee-ooo! (Curly ducks, but nothing happens) Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk!! (Curly is hit with a flower vase) Hhhmm! Woooo __
MOE: Whats a matter with you!
CURLY: What''s the idea? (Moe slaps Curly)
LARRY: No one slinks around like that, eh?
SCENE 4 (Apartment Hideout)
BUTCH: (Spike has Williams handcuffed to a bed) Hey Spike, open up, its Butch.
SPIKE: (lets Butch in) It''s about time you showed up. How much longer are we gonna stall around like this?
BUTCH: Quit your squawking, as soon as the heat cools off, the boss says we take him bye-bye. Then we scram to South America with the 300 grand.
SPIKE: Well, I''m not waiting, I''m gonna see the boss. (leaves the apartment)
BUTCH: Okay by me. (to Williams) Hiya, babe. (Butch settles down in a chair and turns on the radio)
RADIO:
I''m a cowboy from the western plains
I hate city streets and I hate city trains
Odee-laydee-adee-ooh-delayoh-tee __
SCENE 5 (Street)
(the boys hear the radio from the street)
CURLY: It''s him!! __ It''s him!! __ It''s him!!
MOE: Come on!!
CURLY: Yodel-adee-adee-oh-da-laydee-ooo! (Curly is hit with a chair) Oh! Oh! Hhmm!!
RADIO: Odee-laydee-adee-ooh-delayoh-tee __
MOE: It''s him! Quick, answer him!
CURLY: Not me!! There may be a loose piano up there!
MOE: Why you __
RADIO: Odee-laydee-adee-ooh-delayoh-tee __
MOE: Hey, it''s over in that house over there. Come on! (Curly backs up, then starts to charge) Hey, what are you doing?
CURLY: I''m winding up for a flying start.
MOE: Oh, hold that. (hands Curly the measuring stick)
CURLY: Oh, certainly.
MOE: FLY!! (kicks Curly __ they run to the door of the apartment)
LARRY: It''s locked.
CURLY: Come on! (they back up and get ready to crash the door) One __ two __ two-and-a-half __ (Moe and Larry rush forward) Wait a minute! __ THREE!! (they crash the door)
SCENE 6 (Apartment Building)
RADIO: Odee-laydee-adee-ooh-delayoh-tee __
MOE: Answer that, Swiss Cheese.
CURLY: Yodel-adee-adee-oh-da-laydee-ooo!
SCENE 7 (Apartment Hideout)
RADIO: __ cavorting, prancing, son-of-a-gun __ (Butch turns off radio, then draws pistol and approaches the door)
BUTCH: Who''s there?
CURLY: Termites!
BUTCH: Oh __ a wise guy, eh? (Butch enters the hallway) Scram, wise guy! (Curly and Larry bite the back of Butch''s legs) Aaaahh!! (Butch''s pistol flies up, then comes down on his head, knocking him out. The boys drag him into the apartment)
MOE: (to Williams) Are you Betty William''s father? (Williams nods. Curly removes the gag)
WILLIAMS: I don''t know who you fellas are, but I can never repay you for this!
CURLY: Tut, tut and tish, tish. Look! He''s handcuffed!
WILLIAMS: Yeah, it''s tied to the bed.
MOE: Get up, I got an idea. (Williams gets up) Heave-ho! (they throw off the mattress and springs) We''ll have to take this bed frame apart and slide it through the handcuffs. Alright, get busy __ put some beef on it, now. (Butch comes to and sneaks up behind Moe) Come on, a little more __ Alley Oop! (they pull up the bed rail and it socks Butch in the jaw) Alright, slide it! (the rail pokes Butch in the midsection causing him to hit the floor)
CURLY: (gets hit in the face with the handcuffs) Ooh! Hhhmm! What''s the idea, always hitting people �
LARRY: Stop arguing, it''s off, ain''t it? (tosses away bed rail)
MOE: (looking at the handcuffs on William''s wrist) This one''s locked too, what''ll we do now?
CURLY: Well, you break the arm off about there, then you __ you don''t like that? Well, then we can blast. (punch!) Oh!!
MOE: Get outa here! (to Larry) You go get __
(They notice Butch, whose got the bed rail bent over his head)
CURLY: Oh, look! Bent to fit the head! (Curly picks up the rail) Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk __
MOE: We gotta get going, drop that! We __ (Curly drops the rail on Moe''s foot) Ow!
(Moe begins hopping with pain, Curly and Larry begin dancing)
CURLY/LARRY: Hoonta-hah! Hotta-hotta-hoonta-hah! (they bump each other) Oh!!
MOE: Come on, we gotta get outa here! Come on __
WILLIAMS: Wait, my bonds! (pulls bonds from behind a picture on the wall)
CURLY: (to unconscious Butch) See, thought you''d get ''em, eh? Rruff!
MOE: Come on __ (grabs Curly by the ear)
CURLY: Grrr, one minute! Woob-woob-woob! (they all race from the room)
WILLIAMS: Get back! Shhh! Get back! (pushes the boys back into the room) Here comes the mob!
MOE: Quick, barricade the door!
(Curly starts piling books in front of the door while the others pick up the mattress)
CURLY: You know, I got the whole thing __ (they push Curly between the mattress and the door)
MOE: Hey, somebody''s in the mattress __ quick, kill ''em!!
LARRY: (grabs a chair and whacks the mattress) I got him.
CURLY: (pulls down mattress) No ya didn''t! (Moe pulls Curly over with his nose) Oooh!
SPIKE: (knocking on door) Hey Butch, let us in.
LARRY: We''re trapped like rats!
MOE: Speak for yourself, rodent! (bonk!)
SPIKE: Open up __ open up, I said! (begins pushing on the door)
WILLIAMS: (pointing) __ the dumbwaiter!
CURLY: Hey, I resent that!
MOE: Not you, the other dumbwaiter! (to Williams) You go down first and send it right back up __ hurry! (Williams jumps in the dumbwaiter and disappears __ Moe forces Curly to block the door) You, take care of this!
CURLY: Oohh!!
(Williams trips the latch and sends the dumbwaiter back up)
SPIKE: (punching a hole in the door and poking his head through) Open this door! Hey! Let go of my head! (Moe and Curly wedge a chair on Spike''s head, trapping him in the door) Hey! Cut it out! Hey, you''re choking me! Cut it out!
MOE: (to Curly) Get outa here! Get down and send it right back up! (Curly runs for the dumbwaiter)
SPIKE: You''ll pay for this __ (Moe eyepokes Spike) Aaahh!! Aaahh!! Cut it out, I tell ya! (Moe plucks mustache hair from Spike and puts it on Larry''s head)
(Curly tries to send up the dumbwaiter but doesn''t notice the latch, ultimately ripping the floor off the dumbwaiter. Curly sends it up anyway)
WILLIAMS: Here, I found a file, get me out of these, will ya? They''re killing me! (Curly begins filing away at the cuffs)
MOE: (seeing the dumbwaiter is back up) Come on, let''s go! (Moe and Larry run for the dumbwaiter)
SPIKE: Let me out of here, hey!! Let me out of here, hey!!
MOE/LARRY: So long! __ Aaaaaaaaahhhh!! (they fall down to the basement landing on top of Curly and Williams)
SCENE 8 (Apartment Basement)
CURLY: Oh, oh __ what happened? What happened?
MOE: (seeing detached flooring) What happened?! __ (picks up a board) I''ll murder you!
CURLY: Look out! Look out, Moe __ look out! (Moe swings board at Curly, but hits the light instead, sending them into pitch darkness __ in the blackness, we hear Curly fall into water) Moe, Larry! Moe, Larry! I''m drowning! Get me out! Woob-woob-woob-woob! Help me, I''m drowning!
MOE: What''s the matter?
LARRY: Wait a minute, I''ll strike this! (strikes a match, revealing Curly standing in a pail of water)
CURLY: Moe, Larry! Woob-woob-woob-woob __
MOE: Hey, Porpoise!
CURLY: Oh, help me, I''m drowning! Ooohh __ I thought I was drowning.
MOE: Come on out of there __ (honks Curly''s nose)
LARRY: (match burns to his finger) Ouch!! (the light goes black again)
CURLY: (finding a light bulb) Oh! A light! __ I''m not gonna walk around in the dark any longer, I''m gonna take this with me! Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk __ (unscrews light bulb, and begins carrying it around, STILL lit)
MOE: He''s haunted!
CURLY: (realizing his dilemma) Nyah-nyah-nyah-nyah!! (drops bulb, once again sending them into pitch darkness)
MOE: Idiot!
CURLY: I get tired of following you, I''ll lead the way!
MOE: Don''t get started __
CURLY: Okay, � Hey, fellas, I found the steps!! (Curly lights a match, revealing him on the top rung of a step- ladder) You see, I told you, all you gotta do is follow me and I''ll __ Uah-ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!! (Curly topples on the top of the step-ladder just as his match goes out, putting them once again into pitch darkness __ Curly is heard crashing to the floor) Help, help! Fellas, I''m stabbed!! Moe, Larry!
MOE: Get the lights!! Hurry up __ hurry!
LARRY: (lighting a match) Here it is! (reveals Curly being run-through with a spear)
CURLY: I''m stabbed! Oh __ oh __ I''m stabbed! I''m dead! I''m murdered! I''m killed! I''m annihilated! What''ll the World do without me? (Moe notices that Curly''s "spearing" is a theatrical prop, and he isn''t "speared" at all) What''ll I do without myself!? I''m slaughtered! I''m annihilated! I''m destroyed! I''m barbequed! I''m done for! __ (to Moe) Can you think of anything else?
MOE: (showing the prop to Curly) No, you''ve covered it all.
CURLY: I''m not even wounded?
MOE: That''s what YOU think! (pokes Curly in the gut with the spear)
CURLY: Ohh!! Ooohh!!
(Butch and the Mob appear in the basement)
BUTCH: There they are!
SPIKE: Get ''em!! (they rush into the basement) Get ''em, boys!
(they begin fighting and the lights go out again __ after a moment, the room becomes quiet)
CURLY: Hey Moe __ Hey Larry! I think I got them! (Curly strikes a match � the bad guys are knocked out in a heap on the floor) Aah, I took care of you guys, eh? Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk- nyuk-nyuk. Hey Moe, Hey Larry! I took care of them! (Moe and Larry are also knocked out) I __ Nyah!! I took care of you, too! Oh, a candle! Where have you been hiding all night? (lights the candle __ dips a pail of water and tosses it at Moe and Larry, but the water misses and splashes the bad guys instead) Nyah-ah-ah!! Woob-woob-woob-woob! (Curly runs over and conks each bad guy as the stand up with the pail, they fall knocked out again) Nyuk-nyuk-nyuk-nyuk! (Moe awakens and taps Curly on the shoulder, he turns around and conks Moe with the pail)
MOE: Oooh!!
CURLY: I''m sorry, I didn''t mean it, Moe! What happened, what happened?
Moe: Give me that! (snatches pail from Curly and conks him)
CURLY: Ooh-oh-oh!!
MOE: (to Larry, still passed out) Wake up, you __ we gotta get outa here! (conks Larry on the head with the pail)
LARRY: Where are we?
MOE: Never mind where you are __ come on.
CURLY: Listen __
LARRY: Call the police __
SCENE 9 (Ye Colonial Inn)
ALL THREE: (dressed as cowboys, singing)
Home, home on the range (on the range)
Where the roast and the pies lead to play
(Williams and Betty are reunited, she''s cured of her lethargy)
Our apple pie''s fine __
CURLY: I''ll take custard for mine __
MOE AND LARRY: Oh, custard __
CURLY: Soitenly! (Moe and Larry splat Curly with pies)
ALL THREE: And now everything is okay
Oh, its okay!
THE END
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