Schtick Figures (The Cool, the Comical, the Crazy)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-08-07
[The short opens up inside Bee’s room and we see Dapper holding the panjab diamond. Dapper and Bee are admiring it. Muscles is in the room sitting in a chair. The crook that gave Dapper the diamond is standing there]
DAPPER: The Punjab diamond, kiddies. Fourth largest diamond in the world. And it’s all ours.
BEE: What a hunk of ice!
DAPPER: Yeah, hot ice baby. Hotter than a lid of a pot belly stove.
CROOK: Hey Dapper! When do I get the---
DAPPER: I said the rock was hot, didn’t I? We’re not peddling this ‘till things cool off a little.
CROOK: Oh no, you don’t. You said I’d get my dough tonight. [tries to grab the diamond away from Dapper but he quickly moves his hand back]
DAPPER: Hey! Why--- [slaps the crook and falls on the floor]
CROOK: Smack me, will ya! Double cross me, will ya! You ain’t heard the end of this, big shot. I’ll get mine and believe me, you’ll get yours. [leaves the room]
[Dapper signals to Muscles. Muscles leaves and follows the crook]
[The scene ends and a new scene begins in Cameron’s office. The camera shows the sign on the Cameron’s door that says, “J.L. Cameron- Managing Editor. Private.” The camera now cuts to the inside of the office where we see Cameron give the stooges instructions]
CAMERON: Well men, this’ll be a tough assignment. Do you think you can cover it?
[Cameron shows the stooges a beat up cushion for his chair]
MOE: Yes sir! And how! Beat up pretty bad, Mr. Cameron, but we’ll cover it.
SHEMP: When we put it back in your chair, you’ll think you got a new seat.
CAMERON: Good and make it snappy will you. Oh, I’ll be back in half an hour. This story is liable to break wide open any minute.
[Cameron shows the stooges a newspaper with the headlines that read, “Punjab Diamond Stolen.”]
MOE: [reading the newspaper] Punjab Diamond stolen
LARRY: [reading the newspaper] Daring bandits raid muzeem daylights.
CAMERON: Museum!!
LARRY: Museum.
SHEMP: Ain’t that something.
MOE: Inside job?
CAMERON: It could be. Anyway, I’m putting every available man on the job.
MOE: Oh boss! How ‘bout trying us out as reporters?
SHEMP: Yeah, news hawks, that’s our dish. Tear out the front page! Stand by for a scoop. Stop the presses. Copy boy! Copy boy! Stop the presses. [Moe takes two bookends and crushes Shemp’s face with them] Oh oh oh Moe! Moe! Stop the presses!
[Moe puts the bookends back on Cameron’s desk]
MOE: [to Shemp] Now behave! [to Cameron] What do ya say boss, will you give us a break?
CAMERON: Well uh, you boys see me after a while, will ya. I’m going out and grab a bite of supper. [leaves]
MOE: Ok. [to Larry and Shemp] Get busy! Go ahead! Go ahead!
[The stooges clean Cameron’s office. The floor is full of paper that needs to be cleaned up]
MOE: Clean this mess up!
[Shemp takes some paper and throws it on Moe without realizing it]
MOE: Oh!
[Larry sweeps the paper with a broom and accidentally hits Moe with it. Shemp throws another paper on Moe.]
MOE: What’s going on here?
[Larry hits Moe with the broom again as he’s sweeping]
MOE: Oh!
[Shemp finds a glass container on the floor, he shakes it and throws it on Moe’s head breaking it]
MOE: Oh! Ow!
SHEMP: Oh Moe! I’m sorry!
[Moe takes a trash can and dumps it on Shemp’s head]
MOE: Now, I’m sorrier. How do you feel? You look like a bird in a gilded cage.
[The phone rings and Moe walks up to the desk to answer it]
MOE: [answers phone] Yeah. [No answer, so he hangs up that phone and picks up the second one on the desk] Hello. Yes, this is The Gazette. Huh?
CROOK: [talking to Moe on a public phone] If you want some dope on the Punjab diamond. Go to Squid McGuffy’s Café. There’s a guy named Dapper. [a shot gets fired from off-camera and it kills the crook]
MOE: [on the phone] Hello. Hello. Hello. [hangs up phone]
SHEMP: Hello! [extends hand]
MOE: [slaps Shemp’s hand] You know what that was? A hot tip on the Punjab diamond. Boy, will Cameron be tickled to get this. [writes on the pad on the desk]
SHEMP: [reads what Moe wrote] Go to Squid McGuffy’s café. Ask for Dapper.
LARRY: Hey that’s a scoop, fellas. Now’s our big chance.
MOE: [pinches Larry’s face] You know, Porcupine, for a guy without brains, you’re a genius. We get the story, the boss has gotta give us a break.
SHEMP: [puts on a hat and loosens his tie] Oh boy! I’m a reporter. Tear out the front page! Stand by for a scoop! [Moe and Larry grab bookends and get ready to smash Shemp’s face but Shemp stops them] Stop the presses! Stop the presses.
[Moe and Larry put the bookends down]
MOE: Ok kid. Ok, you’re a reporter. But remember, I’m the boss. [sits down on Cameron’s desk]
SHEMP: In the movies, a reporter always talks back to the boss. Now listen you glass eyed baboon. I’m the best reporter you got and you know it. [pushes Moe] You’ve been shoving me around long enough doing dirty work for this paper. But I ain’t gonna take it anymore. I quit. [slaps Moe] See! I quit. And what are ya gonna do about it?
MOE: [takes the phone and hits Shemp in the face with it] Get out of here!
[Moe approaches Larry]
MOE: Say! You didn’t, by any chance, see that picture too.
LARRY: No chief! I’ll take orders chief!
MOE: Ok. [slaps Larry] That’s for absolutely nothing. [looks at the desk] Hey! Press badges! That makes it official. Now, we’re real reporters.
[Moe and Larry each take a Press badge]
LARRY: Ok, let’s get on the job, chief.
MOE: [to Shemp] Say, you got your press badge?
[Shemp opens his coat and reveals a small press clip on his shirt pocket]
MOE: Ok, on the scoop.
LARRY AND SHEMP: Scoop.
MOE: To the scoop!
LARRY: Scoop!
MOE: Right.
[The phone rings. Shemp runs and answers it]
SHEMP: [on the phone] Hello. Yes! Yes! Yes! No! No! [hangs up phone]
MOE: What was it?
SHEMP: Wrong number.
MOE: [slaps Shemp] Get out of here! Go on.
[The scene ends and a new scene begins. The camera is showing a sign that says “Squid McGuffey’s Café.” The camera now dissolves inside the café. Squid is standing by the bar smoking a cigar. A drunk guy walks in and he can’t balance himself. He falls on Squid and Squid pushes him off-camera and we hear a crash.]
SQUID: [to the bartender] I ought to slap on a ten cent cover charge to keep out the riff raff.
[Hawkins walks into the café, takes out a tray and steals the sandwiches that are laid out on the table. The bartender sees him and he taps Squid to let him know. Hawkins leaves with all the sandwiches on his tray]
SQUID: What goes on? [follows Hawkins]
[Hawkins walks into a room with the sandwiches. Inside the room is a big cage that is covered with a blanket. Hawkins removes the blanket and we see a big gorilla.]
HAWKINS: [to the gorilla] Ah, here you are Harold Ol’ Boy! Supper! [gives the gorilla the sandwiches]
[The gorilla slams on the tray and it breaks causing the sandwiches to fall everywhere on the floor]
HAWKINS: [to the gorilla] Mind you manners there, Harold. You’re not in the jungles now, you know.
[Squid walks in. He hears the gorilla growl]
SQUID: Hawkins! What’s that monkey doing in here?
HAWKINS: I brung him from Africa, Mr. Squid. A circus would pay a pretty penny for the likes of him, they would.
SQUID: Well, you better close your deal tonight. That killer ain’t staying in my place.
HAWKINS: He ain’t no killer. He’s just as gentle as a little kitten.
SQUID: Ahhh! [The gorilla bangs on Squids head knocking him out.]
[The camera cuts to the café again where we see the stooges enter]
MOE: Boy! What a dive!
LARRY: I wonder which one of these guys is Dapper.
SHEMP: Nobody looks Dapper in here.
MOE: We’ll snoop around the joint ‘till we fine him. Anybody wants to turn back, now’s the time.
[Larry and Shemp turn back and try to leave, but Moe grabs them by the coat and pulls them]
MOE: Oh! Deserters, eh! Come on, boys! Put on the bold front! [bends his hat, flips a coin and walks off-camera.]
LARRY: [to Shemp] Act tough. [He also bends his hat, flips a coin and walks off-camera.]
[Shemp searches in his pocket for a coin, but can’t find any. He then bends his straw hat and it breaks.]
[The camera cuts to the stooges who approach two guys sitting in a table]
MOE: [to one of the guys] Hey! Are you Dapper?
[The guy doesn’t answer. He just slams his food down and opens his beer bottle with his teeth to show Moe how tough he is]
MOE: [to the other guy] Are you?
[One of the guys drops a coin and Shemp goes under the table to pick it up, but Moe steps on Shemp’s hand as he tries to pick it up]
SHEMP: Ow!! [stands up while under the table and the drinks spill all over the guys]
[One of the guys attempts to beat up Shemp, but Shemp quickly takes two shot glasses and puts them over his eyes]
SHEMP: Uh oh! Glasses!
MOE: Yeah, you can’t hit a man with glasses. Come on.
SHEMP: [bumps into the guy] Oh. Here! [gives back the shot glasses]
[The stooges approach Squid. Dapper is right next to him.]
MOE: Pardon me, mister. We’re looking for a guy called Dapper.
SQUID: Never heard of him. Who are you?
[Moe quickly shows his press badge, but it was too quick for Squid and Dapper to see it. So, they assume they’re detectives]
MOE: Well, he’s in here somewhere. Do you mind if we look around?
SQUID: No, help yourself.
SHEMP: Thanks.
[The stooges walk into the back room. Muscle approaches Dapper]
MUSCLES: Boss! The cops are heading for the back room.
DAPPER: [to Muscles] Don’t lose your head. [to Squid] Give Bee the high sign.
[The camera cuts to Bee’s room. We hear a buzz. Bee hears it, so she quickly grabs the diamond on the desk and buries it underneath the mints in the tray]
[The camera cuts to the hallway. The stooges are walking through it. Moe and Larry knock on one door while Shemp knocks on Bee’s door. They both don’t get any answer.]
MOE: Nobody home here!
SHEMP: Nobody home here either.
[Bee opens the door, but Shemp doesn’t see her, so he knocks on Bee by accident. He suddenly sees Bee]
SHEMP: Boy! Was I mistaken.
[The stooges push their way in]
BEE: Just a minute! How dare you!
MOE: Take it easy sister. We’re looking for a guy named Dapper.
BEE: Dapper! I never heard of him. I’m all alone.
MOE: Good. I mean, we’ll check on that. Look everywhere men.
[Shemp is there admiring Bee because of how beautiful she is. Moe slaps Shemp]
MOE: [to Shemp] Keep your mind on your business. [to Larry] You too! Use a fine toothcomb.
LARRY: I haven’t got a comb. Will a wire brush do? [hands Moe a wire brush]
MOE: Why fine!
[Moe takes the brush and hits Larry in the stomach]
LARRY: Oh! [Moe knocks off Larry’s hat] Oh! [Moe starts brush Larry’s hair] Yahhh!
[Shemp finds a cigarette case on the table]
SHEMP: Hey fellas! Hey fellas look!
LARRY: ‘D’ that stands for Dapper.
BEE: That’s my cigarette case.
[Bee tries to grab the cigarette case, but Moe quickly takes it]
MOE: Just a minute. [looks inside the case] Oh yeah?
LARRY: Oh boy! Evidence. Let’s weigh it.
SHEMP: Let’s smoke. [extends his hand]
[Moe slaps Shemp’s hand]
MOE: [to Shemp] Quiet. [to Bee] Sister, you ain’t foolin’ nobody. We’re campin’ right here ‘til Dapper shows up.
[Moe and Larry sit down at the other end of the room. Shemp sits next to Bee.]
BEE: [grabs a tissue and starts crying.] He thinks I’m lying. Any half-wit can see I’m telling the truth.
SHEMP: Yeah, I can see you’re telling the truth.
[Moe and Larry are eating mints. They’re throwing them up in the air and catching it in their mouths.]
BEE: Oh I feel so awful. I’ve never been in trouble before.
[Shemp sees Moe and Larry, so he imitates them. He takes a mint from the tray Bee buried the diamond under. He takes a mint, tosses it up in the air and catches it with his mouth]
BEE: But why should you expect me of harboring a common criminal?
[Shemp takes another mint, tosses it up in the air and catches it with his mouth]
SHEMP: With oranges, it’s much harder.
[Shemp reaches over to the tray to grab another mint, but he grabs the diamond instead without realizing it. He tosses the diamond up in the air, catches it with his mouth and he has a hard time swallowing it]
[Bee sees Shemp and faints]
BEE: Ahhh!
SHEMP: She’s fainted. Fellas, help. Do something!
MOE: Look out! [to Larry] Get some water quick!
SHEMP: What happened kid?
MOE: She musta got a good look at you.
LARRY: Here’s the water!
SHEMP: Oh thanks! [grabs the water and drinks it. Moe pulls Shemp by the hair and the water slashes all over his face]
MOE: How do you like that? [Bee starts to wake up] You alright kid?
BEE: Oh yes, it’s just that you policemen frightened me so.
LARRY: Policemen?
SHEMP: But we ain’t cops, lady. We’re reporters.
BEE: Reporters?!
MOE: Yeah, this is our first assignment.
BEE: And your last!! [triple slaps the stooges]
BEE: [yells] Muscles! Dapper!!
[Muscles and Dapper walk into the room. They each have a gun in their hand]
DAPPER: Well, what gives?
BEE: Boys, meet the press. These guys ain’t detectives, they’re reporters.
DAPPER: Reporters! How fascinating!
BEE: Yeah and this nitwit swallowed the diamond. [taps on Shemp]
SHEMP: Me?
BEE: That last mint was it!
DAPPER: [grabs Shemp] Well scoop. Well, you’re gonna give it back or we’ll get it the hard way.
MUSCLES: Oh boss, let me finish him. I love to rub out reporters.
SHEMP: Give me room, will ya. Give me room. I’ll give it to ya.
[Shemp coughs a few times and slaps the back of his head. Nothing comes out. Moe looks at Bee and flinches. Muscles grabs Shemp]
MUSCLES: Holding out on us, huh! [bangs on Shemp’s back] Cough it up! Cough it up!
DAPPER: Hold it. Hold it! Maybe you boys have some influence from your friend. I’ll give you five minutes to get that rock. Five minutes or we’ll cut it out of ya!
[Moe and Larry quickly approach Dapper]
MOE: Wait a minute! We’ll handle this. [Dapper and Muscles walk to the side]
LARRY: [to Shemp] Give it to him, you fool.
SHEMP: I will if I could. But I can’t.
MOE: You want him to slice ya up like a watermelon.
SHEMP: Let me try again will ya.
MOE: Go ahead!
[Shemp coughs a few times, taps his stomach, does his “eep eep” and slaps the back of his head. Nothing comes out. Moe and Larry grab Shemp, turn him upside down and bang his head on the floor]
MOE: Come on!
SHEMP: [As Moe and Larry bang his head on the floor] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
LARRY: Wait a minute! We ain’t gettin’ no place.
MOE: He’s just being stubborn. I got a better idea.
[Larry helps Shemp turn back right side up]
SHEMP: Oh!
[Moe grabs a tong from the table and shows it to Dapper]
DAPPER: Now, you’re getting smart.
[Moe shows Shemp the tong, but he gets scared]
MOE: Open you’re mouth.
[Larry grabs Shemp’s mouth open and Moe sticks his finger in, but Shemp bites on Moe’s fingers]
MOE: Ohh ohh oh! Why you
[Moe hits Shemp in the head and stomach with the tong]
SHEMP: Ohh! [opens mouth]
[Moe sticks the tong all the way into Shemp’s mouth]
SHEMP: [As Moe sticks the tong in his mouth] Oh oh oh oh! Ah ah ah ah! Oh oh oh! Oh oh oh!
MOE: Must be caught on something.
LARRY: Maybe, it’s his appendix.
MOE: We’ll soon find out. [to Dapper] You got a longer one of these things?
SHEMP: Ohhhhhhh!
[Moe twists the tong while it’s stuck in Shemp’s mouth]
SHEMP: Ah! Oh!
MOE: Wait a minute.
[Moe pounds on the tong several times]
SHEMP: [As Moe is pounding on the tong] Oh oh! Ohh! Ohh!
[Moe pulls the tong out of Shemp’s mouth and nothing was caught]
MOE: Not even a tonsil.
DAPPER: And now I’ll try. Gentlemen! I uh! I think this calls for an operation.
SHEMP: No no! Not that!
DAPPER: [grabs Moe and Larry] Sorry boys! This way. Right in…there!
[Dapper locks Moe and Larry in the closet]
DAPPER: [to Bee] Thanks darling. You better wait outside. This is no place for a weak stomach.
SHEMP: I got a weak stomach.
DAPPER: [grabs Shemp] Alright Muscles. Let’s get to work! The desk.
SHEMP: No no! No no please! Cut it out.
DAPPER: Cut it out, that’s just what we’re doing.
[Dapper shoves Shemp on the desk and covers his mouth]
SHEMP: Oh! Ah! Ahhh!
[Cut to Moe and Larry in the closet]
MOE: Hey! They’re killing him. We gotta get outta here.
[Moe and Larry bang on the walls]
LARRY: We’re trapped like rats.
MOE: Speak for yourself. [slaps Larry]
[Moe and Larry continue banging on the walls. A bag of tools falls on Larry’s head]
LARRY: Oh! Oh!
MOE: Oh boy! We’re d’ya get the tools?
LARRY: On the head!
MOE: Good, I---. [grabs a saw] A saw!
LARRY: [grabs a hand drill] A turnarounder.
MOE: We’ll go out that way and call the cops. Get busy.
LARRY: Right!
[Cut to Bee’s room]
DAPPER: [to Shemp] Now now. Just relax, sonny boy. It’ll all be over in a minute. [pushes Shemp’s head on the table and bangs it]
[Cut to Moe and Larry in the closet. Larry is drilling a hole in the wall]
MOE: Ok, out of the way. [starts sawing the wall but he hits Larry in the face with his elbow.]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Pardon me. Get outta my way, will you!
[Moe saws through the wall. The camera cuts to the other side of the wall where we see the gorilla in the cage. Moe ends up poking the gorilla in the rear with the saw]
[Cut to Moe and Larry in the closet]
MOE: We’ll be safe in a minute.
[The camera cuts to the gorilla in the cage. The gorilla is looking at the saw as it’s cutting through the wall. The gorilla tries to touch the sword but its hand gets poked]
[Cut to Moe and Larry in the closet]
MOE: Struck a snag
[Cut to Bee’s room. Dapper feels the sharpness of the knife he’s going to use. Shemp starts moving trying to break free, so Dapper slams Shemp’s head against the table]
[Cut to Moe and Larry in the closet. Moe is still sawing his way through the wall]
LARRY: Hey Moe! Moe! How is it? Pretty tough!
MOE: Yeah! [slaps Larry]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Take over!
[Larry starts sawing]
MOE: Come on kid!
LARRY: I think we can make it. [He finishes cutting]
MOE: You go ahead. I’ll take a weapon.
LARRY: Right. [Larry goes through the wall and sees the gorilla] Nyaaaaahh! Oh!
[The gorilla throws Larry back into the closet. He slams into Moe]
MOE: Oh! [Moe takes a hammer and hits Larry on the head] You dummy you!
LARRY: I know---
MOE: Go on! Do as you’re told. [pushes Larry back through the hole]
LARRY: [bumps into the gorilla] Moe! Nyeehh! Nyehh! Oh!
[The gorilla throws Larry back into the closet. He slams into Moe again]
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: Moe, there’s a--- [Moe bangs on Larry’s head with the hammer again]
MOE: Quiet.
LARRY: There’s a big thing.
MOE: Listen you!
LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: You’re afraid to go by yourself?
LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: Alright, then I’ll I take you by the hand. That a boy!
[Moe grabs Larry by the hand and he drags Larry through the hole]
MOE: Come on.
LARRY: But Moe. You gotta listen to me
MOE: Come on. [turns to the gorilla] How do you like this guy? Too scared--- [realizes it’s the gorilla] Ehhhhh!
[The gorilla bangs on Moe and Larry’s head. They fall on the floor]
LARRY: Oh!
[The gorilla walks through the hole and into the closet]
[Cut to Bee’s room. Muscles is hammering on Shemp’s stomach]
MUSCLES: Rock should be around here someplace.
DAPPER: It better be.
[Muscles bangs on Shemp’s stomach with the hammer again, but still nothing. He hammers a third time and we hear a “cling”]
MUSCLES: There it is.
DAPPER: Good! [gets ready to operate]
MUSCLES: Hey! Aren’t you even gonna put him to sleep?
DAPPER: Oh you’re gonna get technical eh? In the closet.
[Muscles opens the closet, the gorilla comes out and knocks out Muscles]
[Dapper hammers on Shemp’s stomach and we hear a “cling”]
DAPPER: Yup, that’s it.
[The gorilla is behind Dapper, but Dapper can’t see him so he assumes it’s Muscles]
DAPPER: Give me the whetstone.
[The gorilla gives Dapper the whetstone. He sharpens the knife]
DAPPER: [to Shemp] Now now relax this isn’t going to hurt you at all.
[Dapper cuts off the buttons on Shemp’s jacket in one quick, easy motion.]
DAPPER: Ah! Well, ok.
[Dapper opens Shemp’s coat]
DAPPER: Anesthetic. Come on. Come on. Give it to me.
[The gorilla hammers on Dapper’s head]
DAPPER: Hey! What--- [turns around and sees the gorilla] ahhhh!
[Dapper gets scared. The knife on his hand goes flying and lands right next to Shemp’s face]
DAPPER: [as he’s running away from the gorilla] Oh! Muscles! Muscles! Get away from me! I’ll…I’ll let you have it. [hammers on the gorilla but it doesn’t do anything] Hey Muscles. Get this beast off of me. Hey!
[The gorilla pushes Dapper on the couch and he lays there unconscious]
[The gorilla approaches Shemp who is still tied up. He snorts on Shemp three times. The gorilla takes the knife and cuts off more buttons on Shemp’s jacket. The gorilla then cuts the gag off of Shemp’s mouth]
SHEMP: Hey dock! How’s about talkin’ this over?
[The gorilla goes up to Shemp’s face and growls]
SHEMP: Moe! Larry! Oh oh Moe! Moe!
[Cut to Moe and Larry in the gorilla’s cage. Moe is trying to saw the lock off]
MOE: Hit the lock! Hit the lock! Hit the lock.
LARRY: Alright.
[Larry tries to hit the lock with the hammer, but he accidentally hammers on Moe’s hand]
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: Oh. I’m sorry.
MOE: Do I look like a lock?
LARRY: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
[Moe takes the saw and hits Larry in the face with it]
LARRY: Oh!
[Cut to Bee’s room. The gorilla continues growling at Shemp. Then the gorilla bangs on Shemp’s stomach, the diamond pops out of his mouth and the gorilla catches it]
[Dapper and Muscles wake up]
DAPPER: Look out.
[Dapper and Muscles try to fight the gorilla, but the gorilla throws the both of them around. They yell as they’re being thrown around.]
[Cut to Moe and Larry in the gorilla’s cage]
MOE: There we are! [opens the cage]
[As Moe exits the cage, he slams the door on Larry’s face]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Come on! Come on! [pulls Larry’s hair]
[Cut to the hallway. Moe and Larry enter. Cameron and three cops approach the stooges]
CAMERON: I got your message, boys.
MOE: Come on! They’re in there! [points to Bee’s room]
LARRY: And they’re murdering our pal!
CAMERON: What?
MOE: Come on.
[The cops push open the door. Inside the room, we see Shemp sitting there looking at the diamond. On the floor is Dapper and Muscles completely knocked out]
CAMERON: [looks on the floor] Dapper Malone!
SHEMP: [looking at the diamond] Fifty carats! What an ice cube! [tosses the diamond to Cameron]
CAMERON: The Punjab Diamond! Great work!! Did you knock these crooks out all by yourself?
SHEMP: That I did boss! That I did!
[The gorilla pops up from behind Shemp and talks]
GORILLA: I helped!
SHEMP: My buddy!
[The gorilla hugs Shemp and the scene ends]
---THE END---
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