Schtick Figures (The Cool, the Comical, the Crazy)
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[ <- Transcripts List ] [ HOT ICE (1955) ]
Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-08-11
[The short begins at “Scotland Yard.” The camera dissolves into McCormick’s desk. On his desk, it says, “Inspector McCormick.” Dawson walks in.]
DAWSON: Pardon Inspector. There are three chaps outside insisting upon an interview
McCORMICK: Very well, Dawson. Show them in.
DAWSON: Yes sir!
[The stooges enter. They all walk in talking and wearing beards to disguise themselves.]
MOE: Ah well.
McCORMICK: Good morning.
STOOGES: Good morning.
McCORMICK: And what can I do for you gentlemen.
MOE: Oh, before we answer that, I wanna prove we’re not gentlemen.
[The stooges remove their beards. Moe rips off Larry’s beard.]
LARRY: Ow!
[Moe rips off Shemp’s moustache]
SHEMP: Oh! Gimme my lip, will ya.
[Moe rips off Shemp’s sideburns]
SHEMP: Ah!
MOE: [to McCormick] Fooled you, didn’t we?
McCORMICK: Now, if you don’t mind explaining.
SHEMP: We’re first class detectives, inspector.
LARRY: We came to answer your ad.
McCORMICK: Ad?
MOE: Yes, here it is. [shows newspaper] “Wanted experienced yardmen. Apply Inspector McCormick, Scotland Yard.” That’s you, isn’t it.
McCORMICK: Yes, but I’m afraid you don’t understand.
[Larry and Shemp start talking at the same time]
MOE: Recede!
[The stooges show their badges]
MOE: A-1 Correspondent School of Detectives
McCORMICK: Oh yes, mail order detectives! I’ll give you your chance.
STOOGES: Oh boy!
McCORMICK: Your assignment is to locate some missing papers.
STOOGES: Missing papers!
MOE: We must locate the missing papers
[The camera dissolves to the yard outside where we see the stooges clean up all the papers on the floor].
SHEMP: Locate missing papers!!
LARRY: Fine detectives we turned out to be. This is humiliatin’.
[Moe takes his broom stick and he hits Shemp and Larry in the face with it]
LARRY: Oh!
SHEMP: Oh
MOE: Quit squawking, you guys. Don’t you know if we do a good job, they’ll promote us to be detectives. Now carry on. Get busy!!
[Shemp is using a sharp pointed tool to pick up the papers. He bends down and accidentally sticks the pointed tool through the bushes and pokes Moe in the rear.]
MOE: Oh!
[Cut to Inspector McCormick’s office. Dawson is on the phone]
DAWSON: [on the phone] I’ll see that Inspector McCormick gets the message. Thank you! [hangs up phone]
[Dawson writes the message on a piece of paper and leaves it on McCormick’s desk]
[Cut to the yard]
MOE: [to Larry] Hey you nitwit. We’re in a hurry. Use the big clippers.
[Larry clips the bushes with the big clippers. As he is cutting, he accidentally cuts the garbage bag full of papers that’s sitting next to the bushes]
[Cut to McCormick’s desk. The wind blows the papers from the desk. One of the papers is the message Dawson wrote. It gets blown outside.]
SHEMP: If there’s anymore paper in this yard, I’ll eat it.
[The message gets blown by Shemp]
MOE: Here comes your lunch.
[Shemp picks up the paper and hands it to Moe]
MOE: Hey Shemp! Hey Larry! Come here!
[Shemp and Larry walk up to Moe]
MOE: Look at this. [reads the paper] “To Inspector McCormick: Headquarters advises that an American named Dapper may have connection with the theft of the Punjab Diamond. He hangs around McGuffy’s hotel and café on Bleak’s Street. Signed Dawson.” What a break! Just what we need.
LARRY: I don’t get it. What do we got to do with the Punjab Diamond?
MOE: Didn’t you read in the newspapers that it was stolen from the museum yesterday?
SHEMP: Sure and if we get it back, we’re in.
LARRY: Great! Let’s play this Dapper guy a visit.
MOE: We’ll clean up this case like the way we cleaned up this yard. Clean as a whistle. Come on, let’s blow! Haha. Not bad.
LARRY: Not good.
MOE: Get the bag. [slaps Larry]
LARRY: Get the bag. [slaps Shemp]
SHEMP: Get the--- [tries to slap a person next to him, but nobody is there]
[Shemp picks up the bag and he tries to catch up to Moe and Larry. As he is carrying the bag, all the papers fall out because Larry clipped a hole in it. Shemp keeps on walking and doesn’t realize that the papers are falling out.]
SHEMP: Hey fellas, wait for me. Wait for me.
[The scene ends and a new scene begins inside Bee’s room. We see Dapper holding the Punjab diamond. Dapper and Bee are admiring it. Muscles is in the room sitting in a chair. The crook that gave Dapper the diamond is standing there]
DAPPER: The Punjab diamond, kiddies. Fourth largest diamond in the world. And it’s all ours.
BEE: What a hunk of ice!
DAPPER: Yeah, hot ice baby. Hotter than a lid of a pot belly stove. And now, we’ll collect the ransom money from the circus for the gorilla we kidnapped from them. Then we’ll have passage money to take us and this hot ice to America. Now you all know what to do. So, let’s get going. [gives the diamond to Bee] Take care of this, baby. [to the others] Let’s go. [leaves]
[Cut to Hawkins walking into a room with a tray full of sandwiches. Inside the room is a big cage that is covered with a blanket. Hawkins removes the blanket and we see a big gorilla.]
HAWKINS: [to the gorilla] Ah, here you are Harold Ol’ Boy! Supper! [gives the gorilla the sandwiches]
[The gorilla slams on the tray and it breaks causing the sandwiches to fall everywhere on the floor]
[The camera cuts to the café again where we see the stooges enter]
MOE: Boy! What a dive!
LARRY: I wonder which one of these guys is Dapper.
SHEMP: Nobody looks Dapper in here.
MOE: We’ll snoop around the joint ‘till we fine him. Anybody wants to turn back, now’s the time.
[Larry and Shemp turn back and try to leave, but Moe grabs them by the coat and pulls them]
MOE: Oh! Deserters, eh! Come on, boys! Put on the bold front! [bends his hat, flips a coin and walks off-camera.]
[Shemp searches in his pocket for a coin, but can’t find any. He then bends his straw hat and it breaks.]
[The stooges search around the café looking for Dapper. On one of the tables is a lady eating by herself.]
LARRY: Hey fellas. Come here. That dame looks suspicious to me.
MOE: Let’s investigate.
[The stooges approach the lady]
LARRY: [picks up the glass of liquor from the table] It’s liquor.
MOE: She’s getting shikker.
SHEMP: I’ll do it quicker.
[Shemp drinks the liquor. Moe hits Shemp in the stomach and he spits out the liquor on Moe’s face]
MOE: Watch your p’s and q’s!
[Dapper walks into the café]
LADY: What goes on here?
MOE: Sorry ma’am, we’re detectives looking for a guy called Dapper, ma’am.
LADY: Ain’t never erd of ‘im.
MOE: Oh yeah?
[The stooges step aside and huddle.]
MOE: Hey! She might be Dapper’s girlfriend.
LARRY: Yeah, she’ll have the diamond hidden in that purse.
MOE: Let’s look.
[The stooges walk up to the table and search the lady’s purse]
LADY: Ear! Ear!
MOE: Sorry ma’am. We gotta get the facts, ma’am.
[Moe searches the purse. Inside the small purse are several weird objects such as a bottle, dynamite, and an ax.]
MOE: Whew!
[Moe pulls out a crowbar from the bag. After that, the bag is empty]
LARRY: No diamond.
MOE: Nope, she’s as clean as a hound’s tooth.
SHEMP: Sorry lady.
LADY: That’s ok fellas! [bonks the stooges’ heads together]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh!
LARRY: Oh! Oh! Hey come on. We still gotta find Dapper.
MOE: Yeah, we’re--- [looks off-camera] Hey! How ’bout those blokes over there?
[The stooges approach two guys sitting in a table]
MOE: [to one of the guys] Hey! Are you Dapper?
[The guy doesn’t answer. He just slams his food down and opens his beer bottle with his teeth to show Moe how tough he is]
MOE: [to the other guy] Are you?
[One of the guys drops a coin and Shemp goes under the table to pick it up, but Moe steps on Shemp’s hand as he tries to pick it up]
SHEMP: Ow!! [stands up while under the table and the drinks spill all over the guys]
[One of the guys attempts to beat up Shemp, but Shemp quickly takes two shot glasses and puts them over his eyes]
SHEMP: Uh oh! Glasses!
MOE: Yeah, you can’t hit a man with glasses. Come on.
SHEMP: [bumps into the guy] Oh. Here! [gives back the shot glasses]
[The stooges walk into the back room. Muscle approaches Dapper]
MUSCLES: Boss! The cops are heading for the back room.
DAPPER: [to Muscles] Don’t lose your head.
[Cut to the stooges walking into one of the hotel rooms]
MOE: Examine this room carefully. We got to get to the heart of this case.
LARRY: Right doctor! [takes out a stethoscope and listens to one of the drawers]
MOE: What do ya hear?
LARRY: Termites!
MOE: Good. Establish the time! What does your watch say?
LARRY: [puts his watch near his ear] Tick tick tick tick tick tick tick. [Moe grabs Larry’s stethoscope and pulls it.] No no no Moe. [Moe lets go and the end of the stethoscope hit Larry in the face] Oh!
MOE: Step aside. I’ll find a clue. I hope.
[Moe opens the top drawer and looks inside]
MOE: Hmm. [closes the top drawer and looks at the bottom drawer.]
[As Moe is looking through the bottom drawer, Larry open the top drawer, looks inside and leaves it open]
LARRY: Mmm. [looks at Shemp]
[Moe closes the bottom drawer, stands up and breaks his head through the top drawer]
LARRY: Wait a minute Moe!
MOE: [to Shemp] Why didn’t you tell me I left it open?
SHEMP: Sorry Moe! You left the drawer open.
MOE: Oh! Very observant. Thank you! [bows]
SHEMP: You’re welcome. [bows]
[Moe bonks Shemp’s head.]
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: Get out. Get outta here! [eyepokes Shemp]
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: Hey, come on.
[The stooges search through the beds in the room]
MOE: Search it.
[The stooges remove the covers from the first bed]
MOE: Nobody there.
[The stooges remove the covers from the second bed]
MOE: Nobody there.
[The stooges remove the covers from the third bed and a guy is under there.]
MOE: Nobody there. [sees the guy] Nyahhh!!
SHEMP: Oh! Oh!
[The stooges run out of the room]
[The camera cuts to the hallway. The stooges are walking through it. Moe and Larry knock on one door while Shemp knocks on Bee’s door. Bee hears Shemp knocking, so she quickly grabs the diamond on the desk and buries it underneath the mints in the tray. As the stooges knock, they all don’t get any answer.]
MOE: Nobody home here!
SHEMP: Nobody home here either.
[Bee opens the door, but Shemp doesn’t see her, so he knocks on Bee by accident. He suddenly sees Bee]
SHEMP: Boy! Was I mistaken.
[The stooges push their way in]
BEE: Just a minute! How dare you!
MOE: Take it easy sister. We’re looking for a guy named Dapper.
BEE: Dapper! I never heard of him. I’m all alone.
MOE: Good. I mean, we’ll check on that. Look everywhere men.
[Shemp is there admiring Bee because of how beautiful she is. Moe slaps Shemp]
MOE: [to Shemp] Keep your mind on your business. [to Larry] You too! Use a fine toothcomb.
LARRY: I haven’t got a comb. Will a wire brush do? [hands Moe a wire brush]
MOE: Why fine!
[Moe takes the brush and hits Larry in the stomach]
LARRY: Oh! [Moe knocks off Larry’s hat] Oh! [Moe starts brush Larry’s hair] Yahhh!
[Shemp finds a cigarette case on the table]
SHEMP: Hey fellas! Hey fellas look!
LARRY: ‘D’ that stands for Dapper.
BEE: That’s my cigarette case.
[Bee tries to grab the cigarette case, but Moe quickly takes it]
MOE: Just a minute. [looks inside the case] Oh yeah?
LARRY: Oh boy! Evidence. Let’s weigh it.
SHEMP: Let’s smoke. [extends his hand]
[Moe slaps Shemp’s hand]
MOE: [to Shemp] Quiet. [to Bee] Sister, you ain’t foolin’ nobody. We’re campin’ right here ‘til Dapper shows up.
[Moe and Larry sit down at the other end of the room. Shemp sits next to Bee.]
BEE: [grabs a tissue and starts crying.] He thinks I’m lying.
[Moe and Larry are eating mints. They’re throwing them up in the air and catching it in their mouths.]
BEE: Oh I feel so awful. I’ve never been in trouble before.
[Shemp sees Moe and Larry, so he imitates them. He takes a mint from the tray Bee buried the diamond under. He takes a mint, tosses it up in the air and catches it with his mouth]
SHEMP: With oranges, it’s much harder.
[Shemp reaches over to the tray to grab another mint, but he grabs the diamond instead without realizing it. He tosses the diamond up in the air, catches it with his mouth and he has a hard time swallowing it]
[Bee sees Shemp and faints]
BEE: Ahhh!
SHEMP: She’s fainted. Fellas, help. Do something!
MOE: Look out! [to Larry] Get some water quick!
SHEMP: What happened kid?
MOE: She musta got a good look at you.
LARRY: Here’s the water!
SHEMP: Oh thanks! [grabs the water and drinks it. Moe pulls Shemp by the hair and the water slashes all over his face]
MOE: How do you like that? [Bee starts to wake up] You alright kid?
BEE: Oh yes, it’s just that you policemen frightened me so.
SHEMP: But we ain’t real policemen lady. We only graduated from detective school.
[Muscles and Dapper walk in]
LARRY: And if we catch the crook who stole the Punjab diamond, we’re sittin’ pretty.
MOE: Right! And this is our first assignment.
BEE: And your last!! [triple slaps the stooges]
BEE: [yells] Muscles! Dapper!!
[Muscles and Dapper walk up to the stooges and point their guns at them]
DAPPER: Detective school, huh!
BEE: Yeah and this nitwit swallowed the diamond. [taps on Shemp]
SHEMP: Me?
BEE: That last mint was it!
DAPPER: [grabs Shemp] Ok stupid, I’ll give you three minutes to get that diamond back or we’ll cut it outta ya.
SHEMP: No no. No no
LARRY: Give it to him, you fool.
MOE: Yeah, you want him to slice you open like a dead fish.
SHEMP: No no. I’ll try to get it back. Hope I didn’t digest it.
[Shemp coughs a few times, taps his stomach, does his “eep eep” and slaps the back of his head. Nothing comes out. Moe and Larry grab Shemp, turn him upside down and bang his head on the floor]
MOE: Come on!
SHEMP: [As Moe and Larry bang his head on the floor] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
LARRY: Wait a minute! We ain’t gettin’ no place.
MOE: He’s just being stubborn. I got a better idea.
[Larry helps Shemp turn back right side up]
SHEMP: Oh!
[Moe grabs a tong from the table and shows it to Dapper]
DAPPER: Now, you’re getting smart.
[Moe shows Shemp the tong, but he gets scared]
MOE: Open you’re mouth.
[Larry grabs Shemp’s mouth open and Moe sticks his finger in, but Shemp bites on Moe’s fingers]
MOE: Ohh ohh oh! Why you
[Moe hits Shemp in the head and stomach with the tong]
SHEMP: Ohh! [opens mouth]
[Moe sticks the tong all the way into Shemp’s mouth]
SHEMP: [As Moe sticks the tong in his mouth] Oh oh oh oh! Ah ah! Oh oh oh! Oh!
MOE: Must be caught on something.
LARRY: Maybe, it’s his appendix.
MOE: We’ll soon find out. [to Dapper] You got a longer one of these things?
SHEMP: Ohhhhhhh!
DAPPER: Come on, come on!
MOE: Wait a minute.
[Moe pounds on the tong several times]
SHEMP: [As Moe is pounding on the tong] Oh oh! Ohh! Ohh!
[Moe pulls the tong out of Shemp’s mouth and nothing was caught]
MOE: Not even a tonsil.
DAPPER: And now I’ll try. Gentlemen! I uh! I think this calls for an operation.
SHEMP: No no! Not that!
DAPPER: [grabs Moe and Larry] Sorry boys! This way. Right in…there!
[Dapper locks Moe and Larry in the closet]
DAPPER: [to Bee] Thanks darling. You better wait outside. This is no place for a weak stomach.
[Cut to Moe and Larry in the closet]
MOE: Hey! They’re killing him. We gotta get outta here.
[Cut to Bee’s room]
SHEMP: No no! No no please! Cut it out.
DAPPER: Cut it out, that’s just what we’re doing.
[Dapper shoves Shemp on the desk and covers his mouth]
SHEMP: Ahhh!
[Cut to Moe and Larry in the closet]
[Moe and Larry bang on the walls]
LARRY: We’re trapped like rats.
MOE: Speak for yourself. [slaps Larry]
[Moe and Larry continue banging on the walls. A bag of tools falls on Larry’s head]
LARRY: Oh! Oh!
MOE: Oh boy! We’re d’ya get the tools?
LARRY: On the head!
MOE: Good, I---. [grabs a saw] A saw!
LARRY: [grabs a hand drill] A turnarounder.
MOE: We’ll go out that way and call the cops. Get busy.
LARRY: Right!
[Larry is drilling a hole in the wall]
MOE: Ok, out of the way. [starts sawing the wall but he hits Larry in the face with his elbow.]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Pardon me. Get outta my way, will you!
[Moe saws through the wall. The camera cuts to the other side of the wall where we see the gorilla in the cage. Moe ends up poking the gorilla in the rear with the saw]
[Moe finishes cutting]
MOE: You go ahead. I’ll take a weapon.
LARRY: Right. [Larry goes through the wall and sees the gorilla] Nyaaaaahh! Oh!
[The gorilla throws Larry back into the closet. He slams into Moe]
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: Moe, there’s a--- [Moe bangs on Larry’s head with the hammer]
MOE: Quiet.
LARRY: There’s a big thing.
MOE: Listen. Listen you!
LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: You’re afraid to go by yourself?
LARRY: Yeah.
MOE: Alright, then I’ll I take you by the hand. That a boy!
[Moe grabs Larry by the hand and he drags Larry through the hole]
MOE: Come on.
LARRY: But Moe. You gotta listen to me
MOE: Come on. [turns to the gorilla] How do you like this guy? Too scared--- [realizes it’s the gorilla] Ehhhhh!
[The gorilla bangs on Moe and Larry’s head. They fall on the floor]
LARRY: Oh!
[The gorilla walks through the hole and into the closet]
[Cut to Bee’s room. Muscles bangs on Shemp’s stomach with a hammer and we hear a “cling”]
MUSCLES: There it is.
DAPPER: Good! [gets ready to operate]
MUSCLES: Hey! Aren’t you even gonna put him to sleep?
DAPPER: Oh you’re gonna get technical eh? In the closet.
[Muscles opens the closet, the gorilla comes out and knocks out Muscles]
[Dapper hammers on Shemp’s stomach and we hear a “cling”]
DAPPER: Yup, that’s it.
[The gorilla is behind Dapper, but Dapper can’t see him so he assumes it’s Muscles]
[Dapper cuts off the buttons on Shemp’s jacket in one quick, easy motion.]
DAPPER: Ah! Well, ok.
[Dapper opens Shemp’s coat]
DAPPER: Anesthetic. Come on. Come on. Give it to me.
[The gorilla hammers on Dapper’s head]
DAPPER: Hey! What--- [turns around and sees the gorilla] ahhhh!
[Dapper gets scared. The knife on his hand goes flying and lands right next to Shemp’s face]
[The gorilla pushes Dapper on the couch and he lays there unconscious]
[The gorilla approaches Shemp who is still tied up. He snorts on Shemp twice. The gorilla takes the knife and cuts off more buttons on Shemp’s jacket. The gorilla then cuts the gag off of Shemp’s mouth]
SHEMP: Hey dock! How’s about talkin’ this over?
[The gorilla goes up to Shemp’s face and growls]
SHEMP: Moe! Larry!
[Cut to Moe and Larry in the gorilla’s cage. Moe is trying to saw the lock off]
MOE: Hit the lock! Hit the lock! Hit the lock.
LARRY: Alright.
[Larry tries to hit the lock with the hammer, but he accidentally hammers on Moe’s hand]
MOE: Oh!
LARRY: Oh. I’m sorry.
MOE: Do I look like a lock?
LARRY: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
[Moe takes the saw and hits Larry in the face with it]
LARRY: Oh!
[Cut to Bee’s room. The gorilla continues growling at Shemp. Then the gorilla bangs on Shemp’s stomach, the diamond pops out of his mouth and the gorilla catches it. Shemp takes the diamond from the gorilla]
[Dapper and Muscles wake up]
DAPPER: Look out.
[Dapper and Muscles try to fight the gorilla, but the gorilla throws the both of them around. They yell as they’re being thrown around. As they are being thrown around, Shemp climbs out from under the ropes he’s tied up in. He crawls his way out of the room.]
[Cut to Moe and Larry in the gorilla’s cage]
MOE: There we are! [opens the cage]
[As Moe exits the cage, he slams the door on Larry’s face]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Come on! Come on! [pulls Larry’s hair]
[Cut to another hotel room. Shemp enters and looks under the bed. Moe and Larry enter the room but they have their backs turned to Shemp, so they don’t see him yet. The stooges turn around, they see each and get startled.]
MOE: Nyah!!
LARRY: Ahh!
SHEMP: [shows Moe and Larry the diamond] Oh! Look fellas! Look! I got the Punjab diamond.
LARRY: Boy! That’s great!
MOE: Yeah, but tell me. How did you happen to swallow that thing in the first place?
SHEMP: Ohh! Like this!
[Shemp throws the diamond up in the air, catches it with his mouth and accidentally swallows it again.]
LARRY: Moe!
SHEMP: Oh! Oh!
LARRY: Wait a minute! Shemp, hold it. I’ll get it out. [pulls Shemp’s mouth open.] There! [looks inside Shemp’s mouth.] Boy it’s dark in there. Stand still, will you! Come on! [Shemp bites Larry’s nose] Ah! Ah ah ah ah ah!
SHEMP: Oh!
MOE: Larry! Here, I’m gonna operate. [hands Larry a satchel of tools]
LARRY: Oh, operate!
[Moe has a hand drill in his hand]
SHEMP: No, you’re not gonna operate on me.
MOE: Anesthetic.
[Larry takes out a hammer and hits Shemp on the head with it.
SHEMP: Now, I tell you right now, you ain’t--- [suddenly feels unconscious]
[Shemp becomes unconscious, he falls and Larry catches him. Larry lies Shemp down on the floor]
LARRY: Ah!
MOE: Ok, let him down easy!
LARRY: Ok, boy!
MOE: There we are!
[Moe starts hand drilling Shemp’s stomach. Larry starts sawing Shemp’s neck. Larry then puts the saw away, grabs a plunger and plunges Shemp’s mouth. The scene ends]
--THE END--
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