Schtick Figures (The Cool, the Comical, the Crazy)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2008-08-20
A MISSED FORTUNE
[ The short opens with Moe and Larry sitting at the kitchen table eating pancakes, while Shemp is behind them cooking at the stove ]
MOE: [ rubbing his hands together ] Oh, boy! Good ol’ hotcakes! Love ‘em!
[ Shemp sets his own plate of pancakes down on the table, then throws off his chef hat and sits down. He begins writing down on a piece of paper. ]
MOE: Hey. Why don’cha eat your hotcakes before they get cold?
SHEMP: I gotta work on my radio slogan contest. If I win, I get $10,000 bucks.
MOE: You’ve been workin’ on that thing for weeks. You’ll never win!
SHEMP: [ stops writing ] I got it!
[ Moe and Larry look over at Shemp ]
SHEMP: How’s this for a slogan? [ reading ] Burpo Pudding, what a treat
even good for tired feet
[ Moe and Larry look at each other and grimace ]
LARRY: [ to Shemp ] Beautiful!
[ Shemp smiles, then picks up a paintbrush. Without looking, he reaches for a can of Stix Fast Glue, but takes the can of Maple Syrup next to it instead. ]
SHEMP: [ mumbling to himself ] Burpo Pudding, what a treat
even good for tired feet
[ Shemp dips his paintbrush in the can of syrup and spreads it on a piece of paper ]
[ Larry is fixing his plate of pancakes. He takes a bottle of ketchup and pours it all over the pancakes. ]
LARRY: I just love ketchup on my hotcakes!
MOE: Oh, that’s delicious. But for me, I like the good old-fashioned syrup. It’s a little bit sweeter. Ha ha ha haaaa!
[ Without looking, Moe picks up the can of Stix Fast Glue and pours it all over his pancakes ]
MOE: Ahh!
[ Moe picks up a pancake with his fork and puts it in his mouth. He tries chewing it, but notices he’s having trouble moving his mouth. After a few seconds, he realizes he can’t move his mouth at all and the pancake is stuck. He begins bonking his head and chin a few times, then tries prying open his mouth with his hands. ]
MOE: Mmph mmph mmph! [ to Larry ] Hmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm!!
LARRY: What’d you say?
MOE: Hmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm mmm!!!
LARRY: [ standing up ] That’s what I thought you said! [ holds Moe’s face ] Wait, I’ll--
[ Shemp walks over closer ]
SHEMP: What’s the matter with him?
LARRY: His jaws are stuck!
MOE: HMM!!
LARRY: Heave up!
[ Larry grabs a hold of Moe’s chin, while Shemp grabs a hold of Moe’s hair. They both pull on Moe at the same time repeatedly. ]
MOE: Hmmmmnnnn! HmmmmnNNNN!! HMMMMMNNNN!!!!
LARRY: Wait a minute! Wait a minute!
[ Larry grabs the pancake sticking out of Moe’s mouth and pulls on it, but it snaps back into Moe’s face ]
MOE: [ stomping his foot ] Mmm mmm mmm!!
SHEMP: Hold it! Maybe it’s somethin’ he ate.
LARRY: Yeah! It’s those… hotcakes of yours!
SHEMP: My hotcakes?! You’re crazy!
[ Shemp picks up Moe’s plate and eats a small bite of a pancake ]
SHEMP: Well, I admit the hotcakes ain’t so good… but the syrup’s delicious!
[ Shemp scoops up the syrup with his fork and eats it ]
[ Larry looks at the can of Stix Fast Glue in front of Moe and picks it up ]
LARRY: [ to Shemp ] You idiot! That’s not syrup, that’s glue!
MOE: HMM!
SHEMP: Mmm???
[ Shemp tries to pry his mouth open, but realizes he can’t because of the glue. He tries to pull the fork out of his mouth, but the fork bends instead. He runs over to the teapot kettle on the stove and puts his mouth over the steam coming out from the kettle. ]
[ Larry walks back to Moe with a hammer and chisel in his hand ]
LARRY: I got it. This will open it right up. [ holds the chisel over Moe’s mouth ] There! Now watch it!
[ Larry is about to bang the hammer into the chisel over Moe’s mouth, but Moe stops him ]
MOE: MMMMPH! [ grabs the hammer ] Hmmm? [ bangs the hammer on Larry’s head ]
LARRY: OOH!
[ Larry holds his head in pain and staggers over to Shemp by the teapot kettle. He looks at Shemp and notices Shemp can now open his mouth due to the steam from the kettle. Larry gets an idea, and takes the teapot kettle off the stove, and returns to Moe. ]
LARRY: I got it! Hot water always melts glue!
MOE: HMMM!! MMM!!
LARRY: [ holds Moe’s head back ] Wait a minute! I know what I’m doin’!
[ Larry pours hot water from the kettle on Moe’s mouth ]
MOE: MMMMMM!!
LARRY: There!
MOE: MMMM! AHH! AHHHH! [ opens his mouth ]
LARRY: See, it worked!
MOE: [ stands up ] What are you tryin’ to do, boil me? You think I’m a lobster?! [ eyepokes Larry ]
LARRY: OOH! Wait a minute!
MOE: I’ll gauge your eyes--
[ Moe tries to eyepoke Larry again, but Larry blocks Moe’s poke with his hand this time]
LARRY: Ha ha ha! I fooled him! [ turns away from Moe ]
MOE: Well, you certainly did. [ taps Larry’s shoulder ] Pardon me?
LARRY: Yes?
MOE: [ eyepokes Larry ] Go away from here!!
[ Larry falls backwards and crashes loudly off-camera ]
MOE: [ gagging ] Blah! [ to Shemp ] Hey, Shemp! Bring me somethin’ to clean my mouth!
[ Shemp looks over and notices a bottle of gasoline in front of him ]
SHEMP: Oh, this’ll clean anything.
[ Shemp opens the bottle, then pours some gasoline all over a napkin. He walks over to Moe with the napkin. ]
SHEMP: Open your mouth. This will fix it.
[ Moe opens his mouth and Shemp puts the gasoline-soaked napkin inside ]
MOE: MMMMPH!
SHEMP: I gotta write… finish this here thing here…
[ Shemp sits down and continues writing for the contest ]
[ Moe takes the napkin out of his mouth ]
MOE: [ gagging ] HBBBLLGH! Guhhhh! [ to Shemp ] Shempie!
SHEMP: Whatie?
MOE: Like to play games?
SHEMP: [ standing up ] Oh, I love to play games!
MOE: Close your eyes and open your mouth!
[ Shemp follows Moe’s orders. Moe stuffs the gasoline-soaked napkin into Shemp’s mouth. ]
SHEMP: MMM! OHHMMM!!!
[ Moe takes a hammer and whacks the napkin further into Shemp’s mouth ]
MOE: There!
[ The phone rings in the background ]
MOE: Answer the phone!
SHEMP: HMMMNNNGNGH!!
[ Shemp pulls the napkin out of his mouth in a long, long string ]
SHEMP: HHHHHHHHMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!
[ After Shemp finally pulls the whole thing out, he slaps the string of napkin into Moe’s face, then answers the phone ]
SHEMP: Hello?
RADIO HOST: Hello. May I speak to Mr. Shemp Howard please?
SHEMP: My name is Shemp Howard!
RADIO HOST: Mr. Howard, this is the Mystery Motor Jackpot Program. If you can guess the name of our mystery auto from the sound of its motor, you will win the $50,000 jackpot! Listen now to the mystery motor!
[ The host holds the phone receiver over the hood of the mystery car as Shemp listens closely ]
MOE: [ rubbing his mouth ] Ohh, that cheap gasoline! [ stomps on Shemp’s foot ]
SHEMP: OOOOHH!! [ jumping up and down ] My bunion aches!! Bunion ache! Bunion ache!
RADIO HOST: Bunion 8!! That is absolutely correct, Mr. Howard! You have just won the $50,000 jackpot!
SHEMP: $50,000?!!! I’ll be right over! [ hangs up the phone ] Eeb-eeb-eeb-eeb!
[ Moe and Larry run over to Shemp ]
SHEMP: Hey, fellas! I just won the $50,000 jackpot! Oh, boy! I won a contest at last
which makes up for all of the past
LARRY: Hot dog! Now we can live like gentlemen!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with an exterior shot of HOTEL COSTA PLENTE ]
[ Inside the hotel, the hotel manager opens the door to the Stooges’ hotel room ]
HOTEL MANAGER: Gentlemen?
[ The Stooges enter their hotel room. They are each dressed in a tuxedo and top hat and smoking a big cigar. ]
LARRY: Boy, what a swell dump!
MOE: You know, this reminds me of that penthouse we were thrown out of once.
SHEMP: Look at this room
fancy and clean
I feel like a king
if I just had a queen
Ha ha ha--
[ Without looking, Moe bops Shemp on the head behind him ]
SHEMP: OH!
MOE: Quiet!
[ Larry pulls the big cigar out of his mouth, revealing a smaller cigarette under it in his mouth. He puts out the cigarette, then picks up a phone in the room. ]
LARRY: Hello? Send up a dozen bottles of champagne. [ pause ] A dozen. [ pause ] Dozen! [ pause ] “Spell it”? Make it twelve instead! [ hangs up ]
HOTEL MANAGER: Gentlemen, the furnishings in this room are of great value. Now for instance, this genuine ming vase-- [ holds up a vase ] --is valued at $5000.
[ The Stooges have surprised expressions on their faces and politely tip their top hats ]
SHEMP: Ming? Ohh, no wonder it costs so much for a ming coat!
HOTEL MANAGER: [ chuckles ] Over here, please.
[ The hotel manager and Stooges walk over to the bed in the room ]
HOTEL MANAGER: Now this beautiful bed goes back to Henry the VIII.
SHEMP: That’s nothin’. We had a bed that went back to Sears Roebuck the XII! [ looks at Moe ] Ha ha ha ha ha--
MOE: [ slaps Shemp ] Always kiddin’!
SHEMP: Ahhh…
HOTEL MANAGER: Gentlemen… if I could be of further service, please call me personally. [ bows down ]
ALL STOOGES: Thank you…
LARRY: …Mr. Personally!
[ The Stooges bow down forward and accidentally bump their heads together ]
ALL STOOGES: OOH!!
[ The hotel manager leaves ]
MOE: [ to Shemp ] You cement-head!
SHEMP: Why, that’s an insult to me! In my country, that’s an insult!
[ Shemp takes out a glove from his tux pocket and slaps Moe with it ]
MOE: En garde!
SHEMP: [ holding up his cigar ] I got it!
[ Moe holds up his cigar and he and Shemp clang their cigars together repeatedly as if they’re in a swordfight. Moe takes his cane and pulls Shemp’s head closer to him. ]
SHEMP: OOH…
[ Moe eyepokes Shemp with his cigar ]
SHEMP: OOOHH!! Ohh… Ooh…
[ Shemp accidentally backs into the closed bathroom door ]
SHEMP: Oh!
[ Shemp opens the bathroom door, and sees a bathtub inside ]
SHEMP: Look! A rowboat!
LARRY: A rowboat? You’re crazy, that’s a horse trough!
MOE: Horse trough? Rowboat? In a hotel??? You imbeciles, that’s a bathtub! [ to Larry ] Go on, take a bath!
LARRY: Wait a minute! It ain’t spring yet!
MOE: Oh, yes it is! [ pointing in the bathroom ] See the grass?
LARRY: Where? [ looking at the floor ] You’re crazy, that’s a bathmat!
[ Moe kicks Larry in the behind ]
LARRY: Ohh…
[ Larry falls forward and crashes head-first into the wall, causing his top hat to get lodged down over his face ]
LARRY: OHH! Help! Turn on the lights! I can’t see anything! It’s dark in here! Fellas, help me!! I’ll go blind!!
SHEMP: I’ll help ya!
[ Shemp forcefully pulls the top hat off of Larry’s head ]
LARRY: I can’t see! I can’t see!!
MOE AND SHEMP: What’s the matter?
LARRY: [ opens his eyes ] I had my eyes closed!
MOE: [ eyepokes Larry ] Go onnnn! Take a bath!
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with Shemp and Moe looking over their bed ]
MOE: Boy, what a beautiful bed! And just what we need, a triple-decker!
SHEMP: I want the upper berth - you get less air up there! Uh… how can I get up there? [ looks around ] Where’s the ladder? I--
[ Shemp notices Moe bending forward while patting the bed. Shemp backs up in the room a little bit, then runs forward and jumps on top of Moe’s back, then leaps into the top of the bed and sits from it. ]
MOE: [ holding his back ] OOH!
[ Moe looks behind him to see what just happened, then looks upwards and is shocked to see Shemp’s feet dangling from the top of the bed ]
SHEMP: How I love this pretty bed
now I’ll rest my weary head
Good night!
[ Shemp lays down backwards but there's no mattress on the top, causing the entire bed to crash apart instantly. Shemp falls through and Moe falls under the broken bed. Moe’s head is stuck in between two bed posts. ]
MOE: OWWWWWWW!!!
SHEMP: Wha’ happ--
MOE: Get this Henry the VIII off my neck!!
[ Shemp gets up and walks towards Moe ]
MOE: When I get outta here, I’ll murder you for this!
[ Moe crawls out from underneath the bed, then loudly cracks his neck twice ]
MOE: [ slaps Shemp’s shoulder ] What are you tryin’ to do, break my neck?!
SHEMP: Your neck? Look at my hat - it is broke! [ holds up his broken top hat ]
MOE: So it is! [ takes the top hat ] Oh, I can fix that!
[ Moe punches his fist through the top hat, punching Shemp in the head ]
SHEMP: OH!!
[ Shemp looks at his top hat with Moe’s fist sticking through, then takes the hat off of Moe’s fist and looks through the hole ]
SHEMP: My hat! Why you--
[ Moe rapidly flaps his hand open and closed in front of Shemp’s face through the hole in the hat for a few seconds, then eyepokes him suddenly ]
SHEMP: OOH!!
[ Shemp raises his hand over Moe’s face higher and higher as Moe follows it, then Shemp suddenly lowers his hand down quickly and slaps Moe on the face ]
SHEMP: Pay for it, that’s what I’ll do with you! [ turns around ]
MOE: [ grabs Shemp back ] C’mere!
SHEMP: Ohh!
[ Moe nosehonks Shemp ]
SHEMP: OH!
[ Moe punches Shemp in the stomach, then bops him on the head ]
SHEMP: OH! OH!
[ Moe eyepokes Shemp ]
SHEMP: OH!
[ Moe gives Shemp a double-handed slap twice, then points to his own teeth ]
MOE: Look.
[ Shemp looks closely at Moe’s teeth, then Moe suddenly bites forward hard on Shemp’s nose ]
SHEMP: OOWWWWW!! AAAAAAHHHH!! OOWWWW!! AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!
MOE: [ stops biting ] See that?!
SHEMP: [ gasps ] Ohh! Ohh!!
[ In the bathroom, Larry is taking a bath. He’s in a striped bathing suit and is reading a newspaper while smoking a cigar. There are several balloons all around the tub with him. ]
LARRY: [ to the door ] Quiet, you guy!
SHEMP: [ off-camera ] Ooh!
[ Larry resumes reading his newspaper, then when he turns his head to the right slightly, the cigar in his mouth pops a balloon next to him. Larry gets startled and falls deep under the bath water, then raises his head out of the water and angrily spits out water from his mouth. ]
[ Back out in the hotel room, a bellhop enters with a tray of champagne bottles ]
SHEMP: Oh, boy! Cham-pay-ngee!
MOE: [ signing a paper ] Ha ha! [ to Shemp ] Give the man a tip.
SHEMP: Certainly!
[ Shemp raises his pant leg, revealing stacks of money barrels around his ankle. He takes a coin out from one of the barrels and flips it in the air to Moe. Moe catches it, then gives it to the bellhop. ]
MOE: There you are, my man!
[ Inside the next hotel room are two women sitting down next to a monkey. The monkey is chattering loudly. ]
GOLDDIGGER #1: Yes,
[ Another woman enters the hotel room ]
GOLDDIGGER #2: [ with French accent ] Girls, girls! I just found out that the… three bachelors that won the $50,000 jackpot contest… are right next door to us!
GOLDDIGGER #1: $50,000? Baby, how we could use some of that!
GOLDDIGGER #2: And we will get it, too. [ to the monkey ]
[ The monkey claps several times ]
GOLDDIGGER #1: Go on,
[ The monkey exits the hotel room through the window ]
[ Back inside the Stooges’ hotel room, Shemp and Moe are each guzzling down a bottle of champagne. When Shemp is finished, his stomach rumbles loudly. ]
SHEMP: This bottle is flat!
MOE: So’s your head!
SHEMP: [ waving at Moe ] Awww… [ picks up another bottle ] I’ll sharpen this one up! Believe me, I’ll sharpen it up!
[ Shemp shakes the bottle up and down a few times, then begins to open the bottle ]
SHEMP: I’ll get this one to start off in a minute.
[ Shemp pops the bottle open and champagne immediately sprays forth from it. Shemp quickly puts the bottle in his mouth, followed by the champagne spraying out of his ears. ]
[ Moe looks over at Shemp and gets startled at the sight of champagne spraying from his ears ]
MOE: Guhh!
SHEMP: I guess I sharpened this one a little too much!
MOE: You’ve had enough! Gimme that bottle! [ tries to grab the bottle ]
SHEMP: [ holding on to the bottle ] Let go!
MOE: Gimme that!
SHEMP: Let go!!
[ The bottle slips out of Shemp’s hand, causing Moe to pull the bottle backwards into his own jaw ]
MOE: OOH!
[ Shemp pops open another bottle of champagne and drinks from it ]
[ The monkey enters the Stooges’ hotel room through the window ]
SHEMP: [ hiccupping ] Oh… Eeb! Boy, oh, boy!
[ Shemp looks over and notices the monkey ]
SHEMP: [ gasps ] I got ‘em! I got ‘em!! I’m seein’ things!! Moe, Moe!
[ The monkey crawls into a pair of pants on a chair ]
SHEMP: Moe, I got ‘em! I got ‘em! I’m seein’ gorillas!
MOE: Well, don’t look at me when you say that! [ flicks Shemp’s nose ]
SHEMP: OHH!
MOE: You know, one of these days, I’m--
[ Moe and Shemp look over and see the pair of pants on the chair moving around ]
MOE: Hey, look! Those pants are movin’! The joint’s haunted!
SHEMP: Maybe it’s ants!
[ Larry comes out of the bathroom in a robe ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas, what’s goin’ on?
SHEMP: Your pants are walkin’ and you ain’t in ‘em!
LARRY: You’ve been drinkin’ again, eh? That’s impossible! Who ever heard of pants walking when nobody’s in ‘em! [ picks up the pants ] I’ll show--
[ The monkey inside the pants bites Larry’s finger ]
LARRY: YOOWWWWW!!! [ drops the pants ] My pants bit me!
SHEMP: Whoa!
[ The Stooges back away from the “moving pants” on the floor, then Shemp picks up the ming vase ]
SHEMP: We better kill that!
MOE: Wait a minute!! That’s that $5000 gadget!
SHEMP: [ gasps ] Whew!
[ Shemp kisses the vase, then places it back down ]
MOE: Oh, I oughta annihilate you, y--
[ Larry shows up with a wooden board ]
LARRY: Here, I’ll get it!
MOE: Wait a minute! [ grabs the board ] Let a guy that knows how to do it kill that thing!
[ Moe swings the board backwards, accidentally smashing the ming vase to pieces ]
ALL STOOGES: NYAAAH-AAAAH-AAAAAH!
MOE: [ to Larry ] Why didn’t ya give me a softer board? [ bops Larry with the board ]
LARRY: Ooh! [ walks off-camera ]
MOE: Get outta here! [ to Shemp ] And you… why didn’t ya move that vase over further?
SHEMP: Well, I’ll tell ya about that--
MOE: [ holding the board up ] Ahh…
[ Shemp pushes the board forward into Moe’s forehead ]
MOE: OHHH!! Now, listen you--
[ Larry returns on-camera ]
LARRY: Hey, fellas! You were right! There was a big animal, all covered with fur--
MOE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know - that bath went to your head!
LARRY: [ mumbling ] Alright… [ puts on his pants ]
MOE: Come on, get your pan--
[ A knock is heard on the Stooges’ door ]
SHEMP: [ singing ] Come innnnnnn
MOE: [ singing ] Come innnnnnn
LARRY: [ singing ] Come innnnnnn
[ The hotel manager enters with an envelope ]
HOTEL MANAGER: Gentlemen, this registered letter just arrived and I thought it might be important.
SHEMP: [ takes the letter ] Thank you. [ a beat ] Oh, it must be our prize money!
[ The hotel manager looks down at the broken bed ]
HOTEL MANAGER: Yeh-- [ does a double-take ] My bed!
[ The hotel manager looks over and sees the broken ming vase ]
HOTEL MANAGER: Oh! My vase! My beautiful vase! Ohhhh! You ruined my room!!
SHEMP: Quiet, I can’t hear myself read! [ holds the letter close to his face ] Excuse me, I’m wearing my short eyeballs!
[ Shemp reads the letter from Mystery Motor Jackpot manager A. Gyper, which states that after tax deductions, the Stooges are left with $4.85 for their prize money ]
SHEMP: EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB!! OHH!!
[ Shemp hands the letter to Larry, then faints backwards on the floor. Larry reads the letter quickly. ]
LARRY: NYAAH, they’ll put us in jail!!
[ Larry hands the letter to Moe, then faints backwards on the floor ]
MOE: Ahem…
[ Moe reads the letter quickly ]
MOE: NYAAAAAAH!!
HOTEL MANAGER: What’s the matter? Something wrong?
MOE: These figures stagger me!
HOTEL MANAGER: So will my bill!! [ leaves ]
MOE: [ to Shemp and Larry ] Hey, fellas! Come along here! Hey, fellas! Get up! Hey, fellas!
[ Moe pulls Shemp and Larry up from the floor by their hair ]
SHEMP: OHH! OOH-OOH-OOH!!
MOE: Get up!
[ Shemp and Larry stand up ]
MOE: Somethin’ tells me we better beat it. [ to Larry ] Go on, get dressed. [ to Shemp ] Come on, you!
[ Shemp and Moe walk over to their hotel door and press their ears against it to listen to what the hotel manager is saying to a detective in the hallway. ]
HOTEL MANAGER: There’s something peculiar about those men in there. Don’t let them get out! I’m going down and make up a bill they’ll never forget!! [ leaves ]
DETECTIVE: Alright, boss.
MOE: [ whispers ] Hey, we gotta get outta here! They’ll throw us in jail if they find out we’re broke!
[ The detective peeks through the keyhole of the Stooges’ hotel door. On the other side of the door, Shemp is peeking back out. He pulls out an ink pen from his pocket and holds it up to the keyhole, then squirts ink out from it into the detective’s eye. ]
SHEMP: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!
MOE: What did you do?!
SHEMP: I just dotted his “eye”!
MOE: What do you mean, you dotted his “eye”?
SHEMP: Well, like this!
[ Shemp squirts ink from the pen into Moe’s eye ]
MOE: AAAUUGH!!
[ The detective knocks angrily on the Stooges door ]
DETECTIVE: We’ll see about this! [ leaves ]
[ The three golddiggers exit their hotel room and walk up to the outside of the Stooges’ door ]
GOLDDIGGER #2: And remember, girls, we must have them propose to us right away.
GOLDDIGGER #1: Okay, now look pretty.
[ The golddiggers stand with their hands on their hips, then Golddigger #2 knocks on the Stooges’ door ]
LARRY: That’s that darn detective! He won’t go away!
MOE: He won’t, eh? Well, we’ll fix him. Man the champagne buckets!
[ Shemp and Larry each pick up a bucket with melted ice water inside ]
MOE: [ opens the door ] Give!
[ Shemp and Larry throw the water from their buckets all over the three golddiggers ]
ALL GOLDDIGGERS: AAAH!!
ALL STOOGES: NYAAH!
[ The Stooges walk out in the hallway up to the three golddiggers, who are soaking wet ]
MOE: NYAAH!
SHEMP: We’re terribly sorry! We thought it was somebody else.
GOLDDIGGER #1: Oh… that’s alright.
MOE: How about coming in and having some champagne, girls?
GOLDDIGGER #2: Thank you. Uh… we will come back as soon as we put on some dry clothes.
[ The golddiggers walk back to their hotel room ]
ALL STOOGES: WOO-WOO!
MOE: Yahoo!! Whoo-hoo!! Yahoo!! Lee-hee! Yahoo!
[ Moe jumps up and clicks his feet together ]
MOE: Yahoo!
[ Moe jumps up and tries to click his feet together again, but he falls over onto the floor ]
MOE: OHHH!!
[ Shemp and Larry help Moe up ]
LARRY: What’s the matter?
SHEMP: You alright?
LARRY: What’s happened?
MOE: [ bending forward ] OHH!! OH OH OH! Oh, my back! Straighten me up!
SHEMP: Alright…
[ Shemp leans his knee on Moe’s back and he and Larry help pull Moe’s upper body upwards so he stands straight. As they do this, Moe’s back makes a loud, painful cracking sound. ]
MOE: OWWW!! OOOH! [ to Shemp ] What are ya tryin’ to do, break my back?! [ slaps Shemp ]
SHEMP: OOH!
LARRY: [ holding his fist up ] Why, you ungrateful--
[ Moe slaps Larry’s fist down, causing it to swing around and bop Larry himself on the head ]
LARRY: OOH!
MOE: Come on outta the way!
[ Moe pushes Shemp and Larry back into the hotel room ]
[ The scene ends ]
[ The next scene begins with the hotel manager and detective walking back up to the outside of the Stooges’ door. ]
HOTEL MANAGER: [ knocking ] Open up! It’s the manager!
LARRY: Oh, no!
[ The hotel manager continues knocking. Moe silently signals Shemp and Larry to pick up the champagne buckets again. ]
HOTEL MANAGER: Come on, let’s get the police!
[ The hotel manager and detective leave ]
[ The three golddiggers exit their hotel room wearing new, dry clothes and walk up to the outside of the Stooges’ door. Golddigger #1 knocks on it. ]
MOE: [ whispers ] This time, we’ll get that manager for sure. [ opens the door ] Heave!
[ Shemp and Larry throw the water from their buckets all over the three golddiggers once again ]
ALL GOLDDIGGERS: OHHH!!
LARRY: NYAAAH!
[ The golddiggers angrily walk inside the Stooges' hotel room ]
GOLDDIGGER #1: You fools! You stupid idiots!
GOLDDIGGER #3: You dumbbells!
[ The Stooges get down on their knees ]
LARRY: Please, wait a minute! It was all a mistake!
SHEMP: Forgive us!
MOE: Yeah, let’s kiss and make up!
[ Shemp and Larry pat Moe on the back ]
[ The golddiggers look at each other and Golddigger #1 silently points to the champagne bottles behind them ]
GOLDDIGGER #1: [ to the Stooges ] Why, certainly. Close your eyes!
[ The Stooges close their eyes ]
GOLDDIGGER #2: Pucker your lips!
[ The Stooges pucker their lips, as the golddiggers each pick up a champagne bottle ]
GOLDDIGGER #2: Ready?
SHEMP: We’re waitin’!
[ The golddiggers smash the bottles over the Stooges’ heads, then storm out of the room ]
[ The Stooges sit there on the floor, dazedly shaking their heads ]
MOE: Boy, are we in trouble!
SHEMP: I’ll get you out of this trouble - I’ll win another contest.
[ Moe and Larry each pick up a champagne bottle ]
SHEMP: Roses are red
violets are blue…
MOE: [ to Larry ] You crush his skull
I’ll break ‘im in two
[ Moe and Larry each swing their bottle toward Shemp’s head, but he ducks backwards out of the way, causing Moe and Larry to smash each other on the head. They bonk their heads against each other, then continue to lean on each other in that way as we hear cuckoo birds chirping in the background. Shemp sits back up and puts his head in between Moe and Larry. ]
SHEMP: EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB-EEB!
THE END
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