Schtick Figures (The Cool, the Comical, the Crazy)
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Transcribed By: Stooge
Date Added: 2002-09-13
SPOOK LOUDER
PROF. DUNKFEATHER....Lew Kelly
REPORTER....Stanley Brown
WOMAN #2....Symona Boniface
BUTLER....Charles Middleton
MR. GRAVES....Ted Lorch
MASTER SPY....Stanley Blystone
Camera fades into to an outside shot of a door, which reads:
J.O. DUNKFEATHER
SPECIAL INVESTIGATOR
Camera cuts over to an interior shot of the office, where we see Professor Dunkfeather sitting at his desk, examining a human skull with a magnifying glass. The door opens and the professor''s secretary and a reporter walk in. They both stare at the professor.
SECRETARY (to the reporter): Prof. Dunkfeather is concentrating.
PROF. DUNKFEATHER (to himself, still examining the skull): Ah! Just as I suspected. She had dandruff! (holds the skull up to his face) Proving absolutely a case of suicide. (looking over at the secretary and the reporter) What is it, Perkins?
SECRETARY: This is Mr. Wallace from "The Times". He''s come to interview you.
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: Excellent! That will be all, Perkins.
The secretary leaves the office.
REPORTER: Prof. Dunkfeather, my paper wants the inside story on the breaking up of the great spy ring.
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: By far, the strangest case in all my experience.
The reporter begins writing down on a pad as the professor begins to tell the story.
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: It began one day when three master salesmen were canvassing from house to house...
We cut to the professor''s flashback, which begins with a close-up of a finger pressing a doorbell to a house. The camera pans back and we see salesmen Moe, Larry, and Curly standing in front of the house.
MOE: If we don''t sell one of these reducing machines today, the landlady said we''ll be sleeping on the sidewalk.
CURLY: Hey! I stopped the landlady this morning!
LARRY: How???
CURLY: I says to her "Do you want us to be patriotic and buy war bonds, or do you want us to be un-patriotic and pay the rent?" Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
LARRY: You had her there!
CURLY: ...That''s what I thought, but if we don''t pay the rent, we still sleep on the sidewalk!
The front door to the house suddenly opens, and a woman the size and width of a beanpole walks out.
WOMAN #1: Yes?
MOE: (looking straight ahead) Good day, madam, we... (looks upwards in shock, noticing the woman is very tall) Ahem, pardon me! We represent the Miracle Reducing Machine Company, Inc. Our machine is guaranteed to take off ten pounds a day.
WOMAN #1: Are you kidding?!?
The Stooges examine the woman''s size.
MOE: (clearing throat) As I said before, this remarkable machine puts on ten pounds an hour...
WOMAN #1: I don''t want any! You peddlers are driving me crazy!
MOE: Precisely why we''re here, madam! We, too, loathe those scour-less door-to-door leeches. My vice president will show you exactly what I mean. (to Curly) Show her, Vice.
Curly holds up a "NO PEDDLERS" sign.
WOMAN #1: Well, I''ll take one of those.
CURLY: Thank you! (bangs the sign onto the front of the lady''s house with his fist) That''ll be fifty cents.
The woman gives Moe the fifty cents.
MOE (to the woman): Thank you! Now about this remarkable machine of ours...
The woman walks back in her house and the Stooges are about to follow.
MOE: You know, we generally get with the...
The woman suddenly slams the door on the Stooges, causing the NO PEDDLERS sign on the side of her house to fall back off.
STOOGES (bumping into each other): OOH!
MOE: What are ya...walkin'' into me for? I almost had her sold!
Camera dissolves over to the next scene with the Stooges trying their luck at selling to another customer outside of her house. Their customer is a much heavier woman than their previous customer.
MOE: The miracle machine of the age! If you increase the voltage, you can knock of twenty pounds.
Camera cuts over to a close-up of a giddy Curly wearing the weight-reducing machine.
WOMAN #2: Really?
MOE: Really! (to Curly) Ready?
CURLY (grabbing on to the handles on the machine): Contact!
LARRY: Contact!
MOE: Contact!
Moe flicks on a switch on the machine, which causes the machine to wildly shake Curly''s body. The woman is pretending to shake along with Curly.
MOE (to the woman): Feel those pounds oozing off?
WOMAN #2 (giggling): Yes!
MOE: Yes! If you get tired of using it as a reducing machine, it makes a remarkable cocktail shaker.
WOMAN #2: I''ll take one!
MOE (to Larry): Take her out a receipt.
Moe reaches over to Curly and flicks back off the switch on the weight-reducing machine. Curly continues to shake wildly nonethesless.
MOE: Hey, it''s off!
CURLY (stops shaking): Oh!
LARRY (whispering to Moe): How do ya spell ''fifty''?
MOE (whispering back): Make it seventy-five!
WOMAN #2: What did you say?
MOE: I say....it''s nice to be alive! Heh, heh! (looking around) Wonderful rain we had last night.
WOMAN #2: Marvelous, it simply drenched the place.
MOE: Practically wet everything.
Curly leans his arm on one of the handles of a nearby table shade, but accidentally knocks the handle over, causing the water on top the shade to splash down all over all of them.
WOMAN #2: AAAAHH!!!!
CURLY (dumbfounded): What happened??!!??
WOMAN #2 (furious): YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, YOU GET OUT OF HERE...!!!!
The woman grabs Moe and Larry and bonks their heads together several times, before they take off along with Curly.
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Woo-WOO-woo!
Flashback ends and the scene cuts back over to Prof. Dunkfeather''s office.
REPORTER: What has that got to do with the spy ring?
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: Nothing! (pauses and looks around the office, then continues) But late that same day, they came to the home of Graves, the great inventor! They had been walking for miles, and miles, and mi...
We go back to the professor''s flashback, and the Stooges are walking up to a door.
MOE: Whew! Boy, what a neighborhood. This is the first house we''ve come to in five miles. (rubs his aching feet)
LARRY: Guy who lives here must be a hermit.
MOE: Yeah!
Moe knocks on the door.
CURLY: If we don''t sell anything here, me and my feet is quittin''!
A slide on the door opens up and we see mysterious eyes peeking out of it.
VOICE BEHIND THE DOOR: What is it?
MOE (to Curly): What''s what?
CURLY: I didn''t say nuttin''!
VOICE BEHIND THE DOOR: No, but I did!
MOE (to Larry): SHADDAP! (slaps Larry)
Larry tries to stand up for himself but gets cut off by the mysterious voice.
VOICE BEHIND THE DOOR: What do you want?
The Stooges pause and then slowly turn their faces towards the eyes peeking through the door slide.
STOOGES (together): NYAAAAH!
MOE (fearfully): We wanna see the owner on important business.
There’s an odd pause after the slide on the door closes.
LARRY: This guy don''t wanna buy nuttin''!
MOE: Yeah, he''s heavy enough!
The boys are about to walk away, but the door then begins to slowly creak open, and the boys turn back.
MOE: (pushing Larry inside the door) Go ahead! (catches Curly trying to sneak away) C''MON! (pulls Curly in the house by the hat)
CURLY: Grrrrr!
Camera cuts to an interior shot of the house as the Stooges walk in. Suddenly, a butler appears from behind the door, carrying a rifle and startles the Stooges.
MOE: We didn’t do nothin’...
CURLY (looking at all the clocks around the place): Say, what’s the idea of all the clocks?
BUTLER: Mr. Graves, the master, wishes to know exactly what time it is in all countries.
CURLY: Well, what time is it???
BUTLER: Shh! (looking at the Russian clock) In two seconds, it will be five o’clock in Russia.
Camera cuts over to a close-up of the Russian clock.
RUSSIAN CLOCK: Yo-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Curly looks at the clock in surprise.
CURLY: Hey, let’s come back at twelve o’clock and hear the whole song!
MOE: Shaddap!
BUTLER: Mr. Graves is in his den. (walking towards the den) Follow me.
MOE (pushing Larry ahead of him): Go ahead!
Moe and Larry follow the butler, but Curly stays to look at all the clocks.
CURLY (looking at one clock): Oh! What country are you from?
Suddenly, a fake bird pops right out of the clock and into Curly’s face.
CURLY: AAAAHHHHHH! (barks at the bird, then runs away in fright)
Camera cuts to the butler and Moe & Larry walking into Mr. Graves’ den. Curly then comes in. Mr. Graves is sitting at his desk, examining a chemical mixture.
LARRY: Hello, doc, what’s cookin’?
MR. GRAVES: (looking up at the Stooges) Ah, the new caretakers! Fine, fine!
The Stooges look at each other, confused.
MR. GRAVES: Now, your wages are $100 a month, room and board.
CURLY: But we’re not... (Moe and Larry angrily stop him)...oh, yes we are! Ha, ha!
MR. GRAVES: I want you to look out for spies. Especially Jap spies. (looking at Curly) You’re not a Jap, are you?
CURLY: (angered) Nyaaaah! ME, a Jap???!! (jumps up and down in a fit) Woo-woo-woo-woo! I’ll tear you...
MOE: Waitaminnit!!! He meant sap, not Jap!
CURLY: (calming down) Ohh! Ha, ha. (Curly politely tips his hat to Mr. Graves)
MR. GRAVES: (picking up a rifle) I want one of you boys to take this gun...(Curly anxiously grabs the rifle)...just in case...
Curly aims the rifle right at Mr. Graves’ face.
MR. GRAVES: (pushing the barrel away from his face) Are you sure you know how to handle that gun???
CURLY: Are you kiddin’? (pointing to the barrel) That’s the front end...(pointing to the handle)...that’s the back end...(pointing to the trigger)...this is the gimmick ya pull!
Curly pulls the trigger and the rifle fires. The bullet ricohets around the room, then shoots off each of the Stooges’ hats.
CURLY: (grabbing his head) NYUUUUH!
The flashback stops and we go back to present time with the reporter and Prof. Dunkfeather.
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: (showing the reporter the rifle) Ha, ha, ha! This was the gun!
REPORTER: Then Graves was the master spy...!
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: I''ll tell the story! (continuing with the story) Mr. Graves was called away on a secret mission. So he had the three salesmen brought to his den where he gave them instructions...
We go back to the flashback and the Stooges are back in Graves’ den, taking orders from him.
MR. GRAVES: Gentlemen, I’ve been called away to Washington to demonstrate my new death ray machine. It will destroy MILLIONS!
LARRY: Yeah, but what’s that got to do with us???
MR. GRAVES: Just this – While I’m gone, I want you men to sleep in the house, so enemy spies won’t break in and steal any of my inventions.
CURLY: If enemy spies get fresh with us, I’ll dash their head against the wall!!! I’ll chop off their arms!!! (getting really worked up) I’ll break their eardrums! I’ll destroy ‘em! I’ll tear ‘em...
Moe taps “Tough Guy Curly†on the shoulder, and Curly then looks at Moe.
CURLY: (frightened) NYAAAAAH!
MR. GRAVES: If an emergency arises...(holds up a bomb)...use this bomb. It will destroy everything and everybody.
CURLY: Aw, we won’t need that...(grabbing the rifle again)...as long as I got my trusty ol’ shootin’ iron! Ha, ha, ha!
MOE: (pushing the rifle barrel away from his face) Go away...Be careful with that thing!
CURLY: You got nothin’ to worry about. I unloaded it, see...
Curly pulls the trigger but to his surprise, the rifle fires and the bullet ricochets, shooting off Moe and Larry’s hats again. Curly ducks before his hat can get shot off.
CURLY: (sticking his tongue out) Ehh...
Curly stands back up but his hat still gets shot off.
MOE: Ya unloaded it, huh??!! I’ll unload your brains if ya got any!!
Moe grabs Curly by the neck and begins to slap his head several times.
CURLY: OWWW!
The scene ends and cuts over to the next scene beginning later that same night, with Mr. Graves and his butler talking to the Stooges outside of the house.
MR. GRAVES: Now remember, boys... You will defend my property until your life’s blood flows down the floor in rivers. Goodbye.
Mr. Graves and his butler leave.
MOE: Okay, boss, you got nothin’ to worry about...
The Stooges do a double take together at the same time.
LARRY: Did he say "blood"???
CURLY: I’m anemic!!!
STOOGES: (running back in the house) NYAAAAAH!
After the Stooges close the door, three spies peer out from behind the bushes in front of the house. The three spies are dressed in scary costumes; the Master Spy is dressed as an undertaker, and the other two spies dressed as a devil and skeleton, respectively.
MASTER SPY: There goes Graves and his bodyguard. This is our chance.
SPY IN DEVIL COSTUME: What about those three guys in the house?
MASTER SPY: We’ll take care of them. What do you suppose I got these outfits for? I’ll signal when I get inside.
The three spies walk separate ways. Camera cuts back inside of the house, where the Stooges are.
MOE: The place is all locked up, and we’re the only ones in here.
Piano music starts playing in the background.
CURLY (recognizing the music): Oh, Rachmaninov''s "Prelude". And believe me, that’s a hard piece. (to Moe) May I have this dance?
Curly and Moe start dancing together, while Larry looks at them in confusion. The piano music starts playing faster.
CURLY: Say, you’re not a bad dancer!
MOE: Yeah, you dance like you got your legs on backwards!
CURLY: Ha, ha! I betcha tell that to all the boys...
LARRY: Wait a minute!! If we’re here alone, who’s playin’ the piano???
The piano music stops playing and Moe and Curly stop dancing.
MOE: What difference does it...
The piano music continues and the Stooges twitch in fright. The boys sneak over inside the room where the piano is, and they see nobody sitting at the piano.
CURLY (whispering): Hey, there’s nobody there.
MOE: (whispering) Let’s sneak up on ‘im. (pushing Larry and Curly ahead of him) Go ahead!
Together, the boys slowly walk over to the piano, and discover that there’s a kitten walking on the piano keys, back and forth.
CURLY (relieved): Oh, look! Kitten on the keys!
MOE: Yeah! See, we got nuttin’ to worry about.
Camera cuts over to the Master Spy quietly peeking over at the Stooges. Suddenly, he hears a whistling sound effect, looks to the side, and gets splattered in the face with a pie.
MYSTERIOUS LAUGH: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
The Master Spy wipes the cream off of his face, then angrily walks away. The flashback stops and we got back to the professor and the reporter.
REPORTER: But, professor, who threw the pie???
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: That was one of the mysteries. You will see as I continue. (continues with the story) The next thing that happened, the salesmen were in a conference...
We go back to the flashback, and the Stooges are grabbing onto each other in fright as they hear this mysterious cackle in the background.
MOE (to Larry and Curly): What was that???
Suddenly, a morse code machine on the side of the piano begins beeping.
MOE: Short wave! (to Curly) Take it down, quick!
Curly whips out a pad and a pen and quickly writes down the morse code message, shaking his head at each beep. The machine stops beeping, and Curly then stops writing.
MOE: What’s it say?
CURLY: (imitating the beep) Eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh...
MOE: (slapping Curly) Ahh, shaddup! (to Larry) What’d that mean?
LARRY (imitating Curly) Eh-eh-eh-eh...
MOE: You, too? (slaps Larry) We can’t cover this place right unless we split up. (to Larry) You go in the den. (to Curly) You go in the basement. (pushing them both away) Go ahead, get started!
CURLY: Hmmmm!
Flashback stops and we once again go back to the professor and reporter.
REPORTER: That’s a strange story, professor, but who was throwing those pies???
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: (slowly leaning over to the reporter) Ah, wouldn’cha like to know...but wait! (continuing the story) Right after that, there was something else happened, that baffled description...
We go back to the flashback, and Moe is in a room all by himself.
MYSTERIOUS LAUGH: Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
MOE: (nervously rubbing his throat) Nothin’ around here to be afraid of...I hope...
The bookshelf behind Moe opens up and a hairy, monstrous hand peers out from it and tries to grab Moe by the neck, but Moe leans forward, causing the hand to miss him. Then Moe leans back and the hand grabs Moe’s hat, taking it off. It hands Moe back the hat.
MOE: (not thinking) Thanks...
Moe does a double take, then the hand covers his mouth and drags him into the hole behind the bookshelf.
MOE: MMMMPH!
Camera cuts to the other side of the room where Larry and Curly are searching for spies.
CURLY: Hey, Moe, there’s nobody here but...
Curly and Larry look around for Moe but they don’t see him.
LARRY: Where’d he go???
CURLY: I dunno. (calling) Hey, Moe!
LARRY: (calling) Moe!
LARRY AND CURLY: (together) Moe??!!
CURLY: Where are you? Hmmm! (looks over at the bookshelf and notices one book) “How to Make Friends and Keep Them: Four Volumes.†(pulls out three of the books) Where’s the other one???
Suddenly, a hand wearing a boxing glove reaches out of a hole behind the three books and punches Curly in the nose, then hides back in the hole.
CURLY: (in pain) OH!!! (puts the 3 books back on the shelf, covering the hole)
LARRY: (running up to Curly) What''s the matter???
CURLY: Didja see what happened?
LARRY: No...
CURLY: No? Ah, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh! (removes the three books from the shelf again) Look in there.
Larry looks inside of the hole, but nothing happens.
LARRY: I don’t see nothin’.
CURLY: (pushing Larry aside) Stand aside! (peeks into the hole and gets punches again) AHHH!! GRRRRRR!!
Curly ducks then slowly creeps back up and the mysterious fist shoot out again, missing Curly. Curly grabs the arm.
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk...
Suddenly, another arm pops out of the hole and decks Curly.
CURLY: OWWW!
Both arms go back in the hole.
CURLY: An octopus! (to Larry) Look out! (Curly slowly creeps back up to the hole again and gets punched)
LARRY: OOF!
Curly creeps back up once again and gets punched again.
CURLY: OHHHH!!!! (turning towards Larry) An octopus!
The side of the bookshelf case starts to slowly creek open like a door.
LARRY AND CURLY (together): NYUUU-UUUH!
Moe then appears coming out of the side of the bookshelf, but Curly and Larry, not knowing whom it is, quickly squeeze Moe’s head in between the bookshelf and the wall.
MOE: (choking) AAAARGHHHH!!!
CURLY: (to Larry) I got ‘im! I got ‘im! I... (notices that “him†is Moe) NYAAAAAA-AAA-AAAAH!
Curly and Larry pull the bookshelf away from Moe’s neck, then Moe angrily walks over to Curly and Larry.
CURLY: Was that you????
MOE: Yeah! (lifts a wooden club) I’ll knock yer head right through yer socks!!! I...
Suddenly, Moe hears a long whistling noise, and then a pie splatters him in the face.
MOE: BLLRGHH!
LARRY AND CURLY: NYAAAA-AAA-AAA-AAAAH!
Larry and Curly both dash out of the room, leaving the pie- faced Moe alone. Camera cuts to a shot of the hallway and we see Curly running into a room and then slamming the door on Larry before he can get in. The crash into the door knocks Larry to the ground. Larry gets up from the floor.
LARRY: (trying to open the locked door) Let me in there!!!
After having no luck getting Curly to open the door, Larry looks back in the room Moe is in, then runs up to the front door. As he opens the door, he sees the spy in the skeleton costume is standing right outside the door. Larry''s eyes widen and the top of his hat shoots up in shock. Then Larry shuts the door on the spy, locks it, and then runs away.
Scene ends and dissolves to the next scene with Moe sitting on a rocking chair, wiping the pie cream off of his face. As he leans forward in the rocking chair, he notices the lamp on a nearby table suddenly turn off.
MOE: (frightened) NYAH!
Moe leans back in his chair and the lamp suddenly turns back on. Moe really gets confused. The camera shows a close-up of the bottom of the rocking chair and shows that there is the lamp plug tied to one of the legs of the chair. Each time Moe leans forward, the plug gets pulled out of the socket, then gets pushed back in as the chair leans back. Meanwhile, the spy in the devil costume is outside of the house and peeks inside of the window right next to Moe. Moe slowly looks over and notices him.
MOE: (with his hair standing on end) AAAHHHHHHHH!
Moe pulls his hair back down and then leaves. Camera cuts over to Curly, in the other room, opening up a trunk. A balloon with a cartoon face sketched on it floats out of the trunk and a paper clip tied to the end of the balloon string latches on to the back of Curly’s suit. Curly then walks forward and the balloon follows him, then hits him on the back of the head. Curly stops walking as he feels something taps his head. He then walks forward again, and the balloon taps him again.
CURLY: NYAAAAH!
Curly turns around to see what him him, but the balloon follows him on back and taps him on back of the head again.
CURLY: NYAAAAH!!
Curly runs out of the room in fright and of course, the balloon follows him. Curly sees Larry in the hallway.
CURLY: Hey, Larry! Is there anybody following me?
LARRY: No, but when I opened the door, there was a Jap spy standing there and... (notices the balloon face creeping up from behind Curly) NYAAAAAH!! (runs away)
CURLY: (confused) NYAAAAAAAH!!!
Curly helplessly runs around in a circle, then stops as he hears the mysterious laugh again, which is followed by a loud groaning sound from another mysterious voice. The balloon behind Curly bumps onto the back of the head again several more times.
CURLY: NYUUUH!
Moe suddenly runs out in the hallway with Curly.
MOE: Hey, I just saw that devil! He stabbed me right in the back with his pitchfork! He had flame coming out of his nose! He had a big, long... (notices the balloon face behind Curly) WHOO-OOOO-OOO-OOOO-AAAAAA!!! (runs away)
CURLY: (confused) I must be haunted! NYAAAAH!
Curly runs into the next room, then stops after a while. The balloon attached to his back floats under in between his legs then rises up to his face.
CURLY: NYAAAAA-AAA-AAAA-AAA-AAAAH!
Curly pushes the balloon away and then runs back in the hallway. He looks in a mirror.
CURLY: (feeling his face) Maybe it’s me! (notices the balloon floating up behind his back) NYAAAA-AAAA-AAA-AAH!
Curly runs back toward the same room he was in a few minutes before, and the spy in the skeleton costume is also in there. The spy hides under a blanket covering a lamp as he hears Curly about to open the door. Curly walks in the room and closes the door. The balloon behind him floats over near a lit candle and explodes on contact with the flame.
CURLY: (scared by the explosion) AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Curly runs up to a mummy case and opens it. A mummy is inside.
CURLY: Nyuuuuh! (barking at the mummy) RUFF!!!
The mummy slightly tilts forward, and Curly slams the case back shut. Curly runs up to the lamp blanket to hide under and notices the spy in the skeleton costume is also hidden under there.
CURLY: (to the spy) SHHHH! (does a double take) NYAAAA- AAAAH!
Curly and the spy wrestle each other under the blankets, and roll around on the ground. Then the spy comes out from under the blankets. Curly is still wrestling under there, thinking the spy is still with him. After realizing he’s alone under there, Curly stands back up and walks toward the door, with the blanket still covering him. Larry is standing in front of the outside of the room, carrying a wooden club. When the door opens, Larry sees Curly covered with the blanket and mistakes him for a real ghost.
LARRY: Gasp!
Larry whacks the “ghost†over the head with a club, then runs toward the front door.
CURLY: (coming out from under the blankets) OOOH! (holds head in pain)
Larry turns back and notices Curly, then runs up to him.
LARRY: Hey, I just saw a ghost!
CURLY: Was he a fat one?
LARRY: Yeah!
CURLY: (angrily) That was me!!
LARRY: Ohhh!
Suddenly, the mysterious laugh is heard again, and Larry and Curly grab each other in fright. Camera cuts to Moe, who’s in another room. He backs into a stuffed bear, then looks behind him.
MOE: NYAAAH!
Moe then realizes the bear is stuffed, then waves his arm at it in relief. He turns his back on the stuffed bear, and Mr. Graves’ pet monkey jumps on top of Moe’s head. Moe thinks it’s the bear that’s touching his head.
MOE: NYAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAHH!
The monkey jumps off of the screaming Moe’s head and Moe dashes out of the room and goes into the hallway where Larry & Curly are.
MOE: (startled at the sight of Larry and Curly first) AAAH! (realizing who they are) Hey, fellahs! The bear was strangling me! He ripped both my arms off! He...
The mysterious laugh is heard again, frightening the Stooges. They run back into the reading den, and then stop in front of a wall. Suddenly, they look across the room and notice the three spies standing there.
STOOGES: (together) NYAAAAAAAAAH!
The master spy holds up his rifle and points it at the Stooges.
MOE: Take it easy, now!
CURLY: Stand back... (looks down and notices the bomb lying on a table) Oh! (picking up the bomb) The bomb! (aiming to throw it towards the spies) Stand back!
The spies back off and look at each other nervously. Curly holds the bomb behind him in front of a lit candle and the flame lights up the bomb. Neither of the Stooges’ notice the bomb is lit yet, but the spies do and back off from the Stooges even further. The boys think it’s their taunting which is scaring the spies off.
CURLY: (continuing to taunt the spies) Stand back, or I’ll mail ya to the undertaker! Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha! (sticks out his tongue) Get back, I mean...I mean it, I mean it! (looking at Larry and Curly) Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MOE: We’ll annihilate ya!
CURLY: (waving his arm at the spies) Ha, ha, ha! (bring the bomb close to his face) Hmm, somebody lit it. Ha, ha...
The Stooges suddenly realize their fate and start frantically tossing the bomb to each other. After a while of this, Curly catches the bomb again and launches it right over to the spies, then it explodes. After the explosion smoke clears, we see a giant hole through the wall, and the spies in the hole lying on the ground, barely able to move and with their clothes severely tattered.
CURLY: I guess we fixed them!
MOE AND LARRY: (together) You said it!
SPIES: (groaning in pain) UHH! AHH!
The Stooges suddenly hear three whistling noises in the distance, look off to the side, and each get splattered with a pie. The mysterious laugh is then heard once again.
CURLY: What happened? Who did that?
MOE: Who threw those pies?!
CURLY: WHO threw those pies???
The flashback ends and we return back to the future with the professor and the reporter.
REPORTER (ruffling his hair in frustration): Professor, I can’t stand it any longer! WHO was throwing those pies???
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: Oh, I threw the pies!
The professor starts laughing maniacally as we hear a whistle sound in the distance. The professor turns his head while still laughing and then suddenly gets a pie right in the face. The professor is now befuddled and wipes the cream off of his face as the scene fades out.
THE END
PROF. DUNKFEATHER....Lew Kelly
REPORTER....Stanley Brown
WOMAN #2....Symona Boniface
BUTLER....Charles Middleton
MR. GRAVES....Ted Lorch
MASTER SPY....Stanley Blystone
Camera fades into to an outside shot of a door, which reads:
J.O. DUNKFEATHER
SPECIAL INVESTIGATOR
Camera cuts over to an interior shot of the office, where we see Professor Dunkfeather sitting at his desk, examining a human skull with a magnifying glass. The door opens and the professor''s secretary and a reporter walk in. They both stare at the professor.
SECRETARY (to the reporter): Prof. Dunkfeather is concentrating.
PROF. DUNKFEATHER (to himself, still examining the skull): Ah! Just as I suspected. She had dandruff! (holds the skull up to his face) Proving absolutely a case of suicide. (looking over at the secretary and the reporter) What is it, Perkins?
SECRETARY: This is Mr. Wallace from "The Times". He''s come to interview you.
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: Excellent! That will be all, Perkins.
The secretary leaves the office.
REPORTER: Prof. Dunkfeather, my paper wants the inside story on the breaking up of the great spy ring.
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: By far, the strangest case in all my experience.
The reporter begins writing down on a pad as the professor begins to tell the story.
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: It began one day when three master salesmen were canvassing from house to house...
We cut to the professor''s flashback, which begins with a close-up of a finger pressing a doorbell to a house. The camera pans back and we see salesmen Moe, Larry, and Curly standing in front of the house.
MOE: If we don''t sell one of these reducing machines today, the landlady said we''ll be sleeping on the sidewalk.
CURLY: Hey! I stopped the landlady this morning!
LARRY: How???
CURLY: I says to her "Do you want us to be patriotic and buy war bonds, or do you want us to be un-patriotic and pay the rent?" Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!
LARRY: You had her there!
CURLY: ...That''s what I thought, but if we don''t pay the rent, we still sleep on the sidewalk!
The front door to the house suddenly opens, and a woman the size and width of a beanpole walks out.
WOMAN #1: Yes?
MOE: (looking straight ahead) Good day, madam, we... (looks upwards in shock, noticing the woman is very tall) Ahem, pardon me! We represent the Miracle Reducing Machine Company, Inc. Our machine is guaranteed to take off ten pounds a day.
WOMAN #1: Are you kidding?!?
The Stooges examine the woman''s size.
MOE: (clearing throat) As I said before, this remarkable machine puts on ten pounds an hour...
WOMAN #1: I don''t want any! You peddlers are driving me crazy!
MOE: Precisely why we''re here, madam! We, too, loathe those scour-less door-to-door leeches. My vice president will show you exactly what I mean. (to Curly) Show her, Vice.
Curly holds up a "NO PEDDLERS" sign.
WOMAN #1: Well, I''ll take one of those.
CURLY: Thank you! (bangs the sign onto the front of the lady''s house with his fist) That''ll be fifty cents.
The woman gives Moe the fifty cents.
MOE (to the woman): Thank you! Now about this remarkable machine of ours...
The woman walks back in her house and the Stooges are about to follow.
MOE: You know, we generally get with the...
The woman suddenly slams the door on the Stooges, causing the NO PEDDLERS sign on the side of her house to fall back off.
STOOGES (bumping into each other): OOH!
MOE: What are ya...walkin'' into me for? I almost had her sold!
Camera dissolves over to the next scene with the Stooges trying their luck at selling to another customer outside of her house. Their customer is a much heavier woman than their previous customer.
MOE: The miracle machine of the age! If you increase the voltage, you can knock of twenty pounds.
Camera cuts over to a close-up of a giddy Curly wearing the weight-reducing machine.
WOMAN #2: Really?
MOE: Really! (to Curly) Ready?
CURLY (grabbing on to the handles on the machine): Contact!
LARRY: Contact!
MOE: Contact!
Moe flicks on a switch on the machine, which causes the machine to wildly shake Curly''s body. The woman is pretending to shake along with Curly.
MOE (to the woman): Feel those pounds oozing off?
WOMAN #2 (giggling): Yes!
MOE: Yes! If you get tired of using it as a reducing machine, it makes a remarkable cocktail shaker.
WOMAN #2: I''ll take one!
MOE (to Larry): Take her out a receipt.
Moe reaches over to Curly and flicks back off the switch on the weight-reducing machine. Curly continues to shake wildly nonethesless.
MOE: Hey, it''s off!
CURLY (stops shaking): Oh!
LARRY (whispering to Moe): How do ya spell ''fifty''?
MOE (whispering back): Make it seventy-five!
WOMAN #2: What did you say?
MOE: I say....it''s nice to be alive! Heh, heh! (looking around) Wonderful rain we had last night.
WOMAN #2: Marvelous, it simply drenched the place.
MOE: Practically wet everything.
Curly leans his arm on one of the handles of a nearby table shade, but accidentally knocks the handle over, causing the water on top the shade to splash down all over all of them.
WOMAN #2: AAAAHH!!!!
CURLY (dumbfounded): What happened??!!??
WOMAN #2 (furious): YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED, YOU GET OUT OF HERE...!!!!
The woman grabs Moe and Larry and bonks their heads together several times, before they take off along with Curly.
CURLY: Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo-woo! Woo-WOO-woo!
Flashback ends and the scene cuts back over to Prof. Dunkfeather''s office.
REPORTER: What has that got to do with the spy ring?
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: Nothing! (pauses and looks around the office, then continues) But late that same day, they came to the home of Graves, the great inventor! They had been walking for miles, and miles, and mi...
We go back to the professor''s flashback, and the Stooges are walking up to a door.
MOE: Whew! Boy, what a neighborhood. This is the first house we''ve come to in five miles. (rubs his aching feet)
LARRY: Guy who lives here must be a hermit.
MOE: Yeah!
Moe knocks on the door.
CURLY: If we don''t sell anything here, me and my feet is quittin''!
A slide on the door opens up and we see mysterious eyes peeking out of it.
VOICE BEHIND THE DOOR: What is it?
MOE (to Curly): What''s what?
CURLY: I didn''t say nuttin''!
VOICE BEHIND THE DOOR: No, but I did!
MOE (to Larry): SHADDAP! (slaps Larry)
Larry tries to stand up for himself but gets cut off by the mysterious voice.
VOICE BEHIND THE DOOR: What do you want?
The Stooges pause and then slowly turn their faces towards the eyes peeking through the door slide.
STOOGES (together): NYAAAAH!
MOE (fearfully): We wanna see the owner on important business.
There’s an odd pause after the slide on the door closes.
LARRY: This guy don''t wanna buy nuttin''!
MOE: Yeah, he''s heavy enough!
The boys are about to walk away, but the door then begins to slowly creak open, and the boys turn back.
MOE: (pushing Larry inside the door) Go ahead! (catches Curly trying to sneak away) C''MON! (pulls Curly in the house by the hat)
CURLY: Grrrrr!
Camera cuts to an interior shot of the house as the Stooges walk in. Suddenly, a butler appears from behind the door, carrying a rifle and startles the Stooges.
MOE: We didn’t do nothin’...
CURLY (looking at all the clocks around the place): Say, what’s the idea of all the clocks?
BUTLER: Mr. Graves, the master, wishes to know exactly what time it is in all countries.
CURLY: Well, what time is it???
BUTLER: Shh! (looking at the Russian clock) In two seconds, it will be five o’clock in Russia.
Camera cuts over to a close-up of the Russian clock.
RUSSIAN CLOCK: Yo-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Curly looks at the clock in surprise.
CURLY: Hey, let’s come back at twelve o’clock and hear the whole song!
MOE: Shaddap!
BUTLER: Mr. Graves is in his den. (walking towards the den) Follow me.
MOE (pushing Larry ahead of him): Go ahead!
Moe and Larry follow the butler, but Curly stays to look at all the clocks.
CURLY (looking at one clock): Oh! What country are you from?
Suddenly, a fake bird pops right out of the clock and into Curly’s face.
CURLY: AAAAHHHHHH! (barks at the bird, then runs away in fright)
Camera cuts to the butler and Moe & Larry walking into Mr. Graves’ den. Curly then comes in. Mr. Graves is sitting at his desk, examining a chemical mixture.
LARRY: Hello, doc, what’s cookin’?
MR. GRAVES: (looking up at the Stooges) Ah, the new caretakers! Fine, fine!
The Stooges look at each other, confused.
MR. GRAVES: Now, your wages are $100 a month, room and board.
CURLY: But we’re not... (Moe and Larry angrily stop him)...oh, yes we are! Ha, ha!
MR. GRAVES: I want you to look out for spies. Especially Jap spies. (looking at Curly) You’re not a Jap, are you?
CURLY: (angered) Nyaaaah! ME, a Jap???!! (jumps up and down in a fit) Woo-woo-woo-woo! I’ll tear you...
MOE: Waitaminnit!!! He meant sap, not Jap!
CURLY: (calming down) Ohh! Ha, ha. (Curly politely tips his hat to Mr. Graves)
MR. GRAVES: (picking up a rifle) I want one of you boys to take this gun...(Curly anxiously grabs the rifle)...just in case...
Curly aims the rifle right at Mr. Graves’ face.
MR. GRAVES: (pushing the barrel away from his face) Are you sure you know how to handle that gun???
CURLY: Are you kiddin’? (pointing to the barrel) That’s the front end...(pointing to the handle)...that’s the back end...(pointing to the trigger)...this is the gimmick ya pull!
Curly pulls the trigger and the rifle fires. The bullet ricohets around the room, then shoots off each of the Stooges’ hats.
CURLY: (grabbing his head) NYUUUUH!
The flashback stops and we go back to present time with the reporter and Prof. Dunkfeather.
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: (showing the reporter the rifle) Ha, ha, ha! This was the gun!
REPORTER: Then Graves was the master spy...!
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: I''ll tell the story! (continuing with the story) Mr. Graves was called away on a secret mission. So he had the three salesmen brought to his den where he gave them instructions...
We go back to the flashback and the Stooges are back in Graves’ den, taking orders from him.
MR. GRAVES: Gentlemen, I’ve been called away to Washington to demonstrate my new death ray machine. It will destroy MILLIONS!
LARRY: Yeah, but what’s that got to do with us???
MR. GRAVES: Just this – While I’m gone, I want you men to sleep in the house, so enemy spies won’t break in and steal any of my inventions.
CURLY: If enemy spies get fresh with us, I’ll dash their head against the wall!!! I’ll chop off their arms!!! (getting really worked up) I’ll break their eardrums! I’ll destroy ‘em! I’ll tear ‘em...
Moe taps “Tough Guy Curly†on the shoulder, and Curly then looks at Moe.
CURLY: (frightened) NYAAAAAH!
MR. GRAVES: If an emergency arises...(holds up a bomb)...use this bomb. It will destroy everything and everybody.
CURLY: Aw, we won’t need that...(grabbing the rifle again)...as long as I got my trusty ol’ shootin’ iron! Ha, ha, ha!
MOE: (pushing the rifle barrel away from his face) Go away...Be careful with that thing!
CURLY: You got nothin’ to worry about. I unloaded it, see...
Curly pulls the trigger but to his surprise, the rifle fires and the bullet ricochets, shooting off Moe and Larry’s hats again. Curly ducks before his hat can get shot off.
CURLY: (sticking his tongue out) Ehh...
Curly stands back up but his hat still gets shot off.
MOE: Ya unloaded it, huh??!! I’ll unload your brains if ya got any!!
Moe grabs Curly by the neck and begins to slap his head several times.
CURLY: OWWW!
The scene ends and cuts over to the next scene beginning later that same night, with Mr. Graves and his butler talking to the Stooges outside of the house.
MR. GRAVES: Now remember, boys... You will defend my property until your life’s blood flows down the floor in rivers. Goodbye.
Mr. Graves and his butler leave.
MOE: Okay, boss, you got nothin’ to worry about...
The Stooges do a double take together at the same time.
LARRY: Did he say "blood"???
CURLY: I’m anemic!!!
STOOGES: (running back in the house) NYAAAAAH!
After the Stooges close the door, three spies peer out from behind the bushes in front of the house. The three spies are dressed in scary costumes; the Master Spy is dressed as an undertaker, and the other two spies dressed as a devil and skeleton, respectively.
MASTER SPY: There goes Graves and his bodyguard. This is our chance.
SPY IN DEVIL COSTUME: What about those three guys in the house?
MASTER SPY: We’ll take care of them. What do you suppose I got these outfits for? I’ll signal when I get inside.
The three spies walk separate ways. Camera cuts back inside of the house, where the Stooges are.
MOE: The place is all locked up, and we’re the only ones in here.
Piano music starts playing in the background.
CURLY (recognizing the music): Oh, Rachmaninov''s "Prelude". And believe me, that’s a hard piece. (to Moe) May I have this dance?
Curly and Moe start dancing together, while Larry looks at them in confusion. The piano music starts playing faster.
CURLY: Say, you’re not a bad dancer!
MOE: Yeah, you dance like you got your legs on backwards!
CURLY: Ha, ha! I betcha tell that to all the boys...
LARRY: Wait a minute!! If we’re here alone, who’s playin’ the piano???
The piano music stops playing and Moe and Curly stop dancing.
MOE: What difference does it...
The piano music continues and the Stooges twitch in fright. The boys sneak over inside the room where the piano is, and they see nobody sitting at the piano.
CURLY (whispering): Hey, there’s nobody there.
MOE: (whispering) Let’s sneak up on ‘im. (pushing Larry and Curly ahead of him) Go ahead!
Together, the boys slowly walk over to the piano, and discover that there’s a kitten walking on the piano keys, back and forth.
CURLY (relieved): Oh, look! Kitten on the keys!
MOE: Yeah! See, we got nuttin’ to worry about.
Camera cuts over to the Master Spy quietly peeking over at the Stooges. Suddenly, he hears a whistling sound effect, looks to the side, and gets splattered in the face with a pie.
MYSTERIOUS LAUGH: Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
The Master Spy wipes the cream off of his face, then angrily walks away. The flashback stops and we got back to the professor and the reporter.
REPORTER: But, professor, who threw the pie???
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: That was one of the mysteries. You will see as I continue. (continues with the story) The next thing that happened, the salesmen were in a conference...
We go back to the flashback, and the Stooges are grabbing onto each other in fright as they hear this mysterious cackle in the background.
MOE (to Larry and Curly): What was that???
Suddenly, a morse code machine on the side of the piano begins beeping.
MOE: Short wave! (to Curly) Take it down, quick!
Curly whips out a pad and a pen and quickly writes down the morse code message, shaking his head at each beep. The machine stops beeping, and Curly then stops writing.
MOE: What’s it say?
CURLY: (imitating the beep) Eh-eh-eh, eh-eh-eh...
MOE: (slapping Curly) Ahh, shaddup! (to Larry) What’d that mean?
LARRY (imitating Curly) Eh-eh-eh-eh...
MOE: You, too? (slaps Larry) We can’t cover this place right unless we split up. (to Larry) You go in the den. (to Curly) You go in the basement. (pushing them both away) Go ahead, get started!
CURLY: Hmmmm!
Flashback stops and we once again go back to the professor and reporter.
REPORTER: That’s a strange story, professor, but who was throwing those pies???
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: (slowly leaning over to the reporter) Ah, wouldn’cha like to know...but wait! (continuing the story) Right after that, there was something else happened, that baffled description...
We go back to the flashback, and Moe is in a room all by himself.
MYSTERIOUS LAUGH: Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!
MOE: (nervously rubbing his throat) Nothin’ around here to be afraid of...I hope...
The bookshelf behind Moe opens up and a hairy, monstrous hand peers out from it and tries to grab Moe by the neck, but Moe leans forward, causing the hand to miss him. Then Moe leans back and the hand grabs Moe’s hat, taking it off. It hands Moe back the hat.
MOE: (not thinking) Thanks...
Moe does a double take, then the hand covers his mouth and drags him into the hole behind the bookshelf.
MOE: MMMMPH!
Camera cuts to the other side of the room where Larry and Curly are searching for spies.
CURLY: Hey, Moe, there’s nobody here but...
Curly and Larry look around for Moe but they don’t see him.
LARRY: Where’d he go???
CURLY: I dunno. (calling) Hey, Moe!
LARRY: (calling) Moe!
LARRY AND CURLY: (together) Moe??!!
CURLY: Where are you? Hmmm! (looks over at the bookshelf and notices one book) “How to Make Friends and Keep Them: Four Volumes.†(pulls out three of the books) Where’s the other one???
Suddenly, a hand wearing a boxing glove reaches out of a hole behind the three books and punches Curly in the nose, then hides back in the hole.
CURLY: (in pain) OH!!! (puts the 3 books back on the shelf, covering the hole)
LARRY: (running up to Curly) What''s the matter???
CURLY: Didja see what happened?
LARRY: No...
CURLY: No? Ah, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh, heh! (removes the three books from the shelf again) Look in there.
Larry looks inside of the hole, but nothing happens.
LARRY: I don’t see nothin’.
CURLY: (pushing Larry aside) Stand aside! (peeks into the hole and gets punches again) AHHH!! GRRRRRR!!
Curly ducks then slowly creeps back up and the mysterious fist shoot out again, missing Curly. Curly grabs the arm.
CURLY: Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk...
Suddenly, another arm pops out of the hole and decks Curly.
CURLY: OWWW!
Both arms go back in the hole.
CURLY: An octopus! (to Larry) Look out! (Curly slowly creeps back up to the hole again and gets punched)
LARRY: OOF!
Curly creeps back up once again and gets punched again.
CURLY: OHHHH!!!! (turning towards Larry) An octopus!
The side of the bookshelf case starts to slowly creek open like a door.
LARRY AND CURLY (together): NYUUU-UUUH!
Moe then appears coming out of the side of the bookshelf, but Curly and Larry, not knowing whom it is, quickly squeeze Moe’s head in between the bookshelf and the wall.
MOE: (choking) AAAARGHHHH!!!
CURLY: (to Larry) I got ‘im! I got ‘im! I... (notices that “him†is Moe) NYAAAAAA-AAA-AAAAH!
Curly and Larry pull the bookshelf away from Moe’s neck, then Moe angrily walks over to Curly and Larry.
CURLY: Was that you????
MOE: Yeah! (lifts a wooden club) I’ll knock yer head right through yer socks!!! I...
Suddenly, Moe hears a long whistling noise, and then a pie splatters him in the face.
MOE: BLLRGHH!
LARRY AND CURLY: NYAAAA-AAA-AAA-AAAAH!
Larry and Curly both dash out of the room, leaving the pie- faced Moe alone. Camera cuts to a shot of the hallway and we see Curly running into a room and then slamming the door on Larry before he can get in. The crash into the door knocks Larry to the ground. Larry gets up from the floor.
LARRY: (trying to open the locked door) Let me in there!!!
After having no luck getting Curly to open the door, Larry looks back in the room Moe is in, then runs up to the front door. As he opens the door, he sees the spy in the skeleton costume is standing right outside the door. Larry''s eyes widen and the top of his hat shoots up in shock. Then Larry shuts the door on the spy, locks it, and then runs away.
Scene ends and dissolves to the next scene with Moe sitting on a rocking chair, wiping the pie cream off of his face. As he leans forward in the rocking chair, he notices the lamp on a nearby table suddenly turn off.
MOE: (frightened) NYAH!
Moe leans back in his chair and the lamp suddenly turns back on. Moe really gets confused. The camera shows a close-up of the bottom of the rocking chair and shows that there is the lamp plug tied to one of the legs of the chair. Each time Moe leans forward, the plug gets pulled out of the socket, then gets pushed back in as the chair leans back. Meanwhile, the spy in the devil costume is outside of the house and peeks inside of the window right next to Moe. Moe slowly looks over and notices him.
MOE: (with his hair standing on end) AAAHHHHHHHH!
Moe pulls his hair back down and then leaves. Camera cuts over to Curly, in the other room, opening up a trunk. A balloon with a cartoon face sketched on it floats out of the trunk and a paper clip tied to the end of the balloon string latches on to the back of Curly’s suit. Curly then walks forward and the balloon follows him, then hits him on the back of the head. Curly stops walking as he feels something taps his head. He then walks forward again, and the balloon taps him again.
CURLY: NYAAAAH!
Curly turns around to see what him him, but the balloon follows him on back and taps him on back of the head again.
CURLY: NYAAAAH!!
Curly runs out of the room in fright and of course, the balloon follows him. Curly sees Larry in the hallway.
CURLY: Hey, Larry! Is there anybody following me?
LARRY: No, but when I opened the door, there was a Jap spy standing there and... (notices the balloon face creeping up from behind Curly) NYAAAAAH!! (runs away)
CURLY: (confused) NYAAAAAAAH!!!
Curly helplessly runs around in a circle, then stops as he hears the mysterious laugh again, which is followed by a loud groaning sound from another mysterious voice. The balloon behind Curly bumps onto the back of the head again several more times.
CURLY: NYUUUH!
Moe suddenly runs out in the hallway with Curly.
MOE: Hey, I just saw that devil! He stabbed me right in the back with his pitchfork! He had flame coming out of his nose! He had a big, long... (notices the balloon face behind Curly) WHOO-OOOO-OOO-OOOO-AAAAAA!!! (runs away)
CURLY: (confused) I must be haunted! NYAAAAH!
Curly runs into the next room, then stops after a while. The balloon attached to his back floats under in between his legs then rises up to his face.
CURLY: NYAAAAA-AAA-AAAA-AAA-AAAAH!
Curly pushes the balloon away and then runs back in the hallway. He looks in a mirror.
CURLY: (feeling his face) Maybe it’s me! (notices the balloon floating up behind his back) NYAAAA-AAAA-AAA-AAH!
Curly runs back toward the same room he was in a few minutes before, and the spy in the skeleton costume is also in there. The spy hides under a blanket covering a lamp as he hears Curly about to open the door. Curly walks in the room and closes the door. The balloon behind him floats over near a lit candle and explodes on contact with the flame.
CURLY: (scared by the explosion) AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!
Curly runs up to a mummy case and opens it. A mummy is inside.
CURLY: Nyuuuuh! (barking at the mummy) RUFF!!!
The mummy slightly tilts forward, and Curly slams the case back shut. Curly runs up to the lamp blanket to hide under and notices the spy in the skeleton costume is also hidden under there.
CURLY: (to the spy) SHHHH! (does a double take) NYAAAA- AAAAH!
Curly and the spy wrestle each other under the blankets, and roll around on the ground. Then the spy comes out from under the blankets. Curly is still wrestling under there, thinking the spy is still with him. After realizing he’s alone under there, Curly stands back up and walks toward the door, with the blanket still covering him. Larry is standing in front of the outside of the room, carrying a wooden club. When the door opens, Larry sees Curly covered with the blanket and mistakes him for a real ghost.
LARRY: Gasp!
Larry whacks the “ghost†over the head with a club, then runs toward the front door.
CURLY: (coming out from under the blankets) OOOH! (holds head in pain)
Larry turns back and notices Curly, then runs up to him.
LARRY: Hey, I just saw a ghost!
CURLY: Was he a fat one?
LARRY: Yeah!
CURLY: (angrily) That was me!!
LARRY: Ohhh!
Suddenly, the mysterious laugh is heard again, and Larry and Curly grab each other in fright. Camera cuts to Moe, who’s in another room. He backs into a stuffed bear, then looks behind him.
MOE: NYAAAH!
Moe then realizes the bear is stuffed, then waves his arm at it in relief. He turns his back on the stuffed bear, and Mr. Graves’ pet monkey jumps on top of Moe’s head. Moe thinks it’s the bear that’s touching his head.
MOE: NYAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAHH!
The monkey jumps off of the screaming Moe’s head and Moe dashes out of the room and goes into the hallway where Larry & Curly are.
MOE: (startled at the sight of Larry and Curly first) AAAH! (realizing who they are) Hey, fellahs! The bear was strangling me! He ripped both my arms off! He...
The mysterious laugh is heard again, frightening the Stooges. They run back into the reading den, and then stop in front of a wall. Suddenly, they look across the room and notice the three spies standing there.
STOOGES: (together) NYAAAAAAAAAH!
The master spy holds up his rifle and points it at the Stooges.
MOE: Take it easy, now!
CURLY: Stand back... (looks down and notices the bomb lying on a table) Oh! (picking up the bomb) The bomb! (aiming to throw it towards the spies) Stand back!
The spies back off and look at each other nervously. Curly holds the bomb behind him in front of a lit candle and the flame lights up the bomb. Neither of the Stooges’ notice the bomb is lit yet, but the spies do and back off from the Stooges even further. The boys think it’s their taunting which is scaring the spies off.
CURLY: (continuing to taunt the spies) Stand back, or I’ll mail ya to the undertaker! Ha-cha-cha-cha-cha-cha! (sticks out his tongue) Get back, I mean...I mean it, I mean it! (looking at Larry and Curly) Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MOE: We’ll annihilate ya!
CURLY: (waving his arm at the spies) Ha, ha, ha! (bring the bomb close to his face) Hmm, somebody lit it. Ha, ha...
The Stooges suddenly realize their fate and start frantically tossing the bomb to each other. After a while of this, Curly catches the bomb again and launches it right over to the spies, then it explodes. After the explosion smoke clears, we see a giant hole through the wall, and the spies in the hole lying on the ground, barely able to move and with their clothes severely tattered.
CURLY: I guess we fixed them!
MOE AND LARRY: (together) You said it!
SPIES: (groaning in pain) UHH! AHH!
The Stooges suddenly hear three whistling noises in the distance, look off to the side, and each get splattered with a pie. The mysterious laugh is then heard once again.
CURLY: What happened? Who did that?
MOE: Who threw those pies?!
CURLY: WHO threw those pies???
The flashback ends and we return back to the future with the professor and the reporter.
REPORTER (ruffling his hair in frustration): Professor, I can’t stand it any longer! WHO was throwing those pies???
PROF. DUNKFEATHER: Oh, I threw the pies!
The professor starts laughing maniacally as we hear a whistle sound in the distance. The professor turns his head while still laughing and then suddenly gets a pie right in the face. The professor is now befuddled and wipes the cream off of his face as the scene fades out.
THE END
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