Great Movie Comedians, The (From Charlie Chaplin to Woody Allen)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-08-31
[The short opens up in Millie’s apartment. Her small dog barks in excitement as she walks in with her bag of golf clubs]
MILLIE: [to the dog] Hi Shorty. Did you miss me? Huh? Go on!
[Millie puts down her golf clubs]
MILLIE: I’m tired and I’m hungry too. [walks up to the table that has a plate full of marshmallow balls] These look so good. [The dog barks] Doggies don’t get cookies either. [Takes a marshmallow ball and eats it] Mmmm!
[Larry sneaks into the apartment through the front door. He has flowers in his hand and is hiding them behind his back. He sees Millie eating marshmallows, so he sneaks up behind her]
LARRY: Surprise!!
MILLIE: [gets startled and sees Larry] You again!
LARRY: In person, Millie my little dilly. And I brought you some flowers. [gives the flowers to Millie]
MILLIE: [in an annoyed manner] Thank you. [takes the flowers]
LARRY: Don’t mind if I do. [takes the plate full of marshmallow balls and eats one]
[Millie looks annoyed. She walks to the other side of the room to put the flowers in the vase]
LARRY: Hey Millie. How ‘bout having dinner with me tonight?
MILLIE: I have a date with Joe. You know we’re engaged.
LARRY: [looks annoyed. He starts to get an idea in his head.] You’re a sucker Millie. You know he’s not true to you. He’s a play boy.
MILLIE: I don’t believe you.
LARRY: Nevertheless, it’s a fact. [Larry tries to grab another marshmallow ball, but instead he grabs a golf ball from the small tray of golf balls] You’re too good for that chiseler. [Larry bites the golf ball thinking it’s a marshmallow] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
[Larry realizes it’s a golf ball so he throws it in anger. It hits the wall and bounces back onto Larry’s head]
MILLIE: Serves you right for lying about my Joe.
LARRY: Yeah, someday you’ll catch that two-timer red-handed and you’ll know I wasn’t lying. Goodbye.
MILLIE: Goodbye!
[Larry walks away, steps on the golf ball and falls. Larry gets up and opens the front door]
LARRY: Goodbye. [bumps into the door] Oh!!
[Larry exits and the scene ends]
[A new scene begins inside Millie’s kitchen. She is mixing cake batter in a bowl. Joe walks in with a rifle and a turkey in his hand.]
MILLIE: Joey darling.
JOE: Sugar plumb! Baking a cake!
MILLIE: It’s for you. Did you bag anything?
JOE: Yes, sir-eee, I sure did. [shows the turkey to Millie. It still has its feathers intact]
MILLIE: A turkey! Did you really kill it?
JOE: Sure did.
MILLIE: Now no fibs Joey. How many shots?
JOE: None.
MILLIE: None?
JOE: Hit it with my car. [The turkey starts flapping its wings and it’s hitting Joe in the face]
MILLIE: Hang on Joe!
[The turkey flies away from Joe and stands by the window]
JOE: Stand back. I’ll get it before it flies away.
[Joe tries to shoot the turkey with his rifle but he misses. The turkey flies out the window]
JOE: The barrel must’ve been bent. It makes me so mad--- [bangs the rifle on the ground in anger, but he accidentally bangs it on his foot] Ow ooh!
MILLIE: Never mind. You can take me out for a turkey dinner.
JOE: Well, uh--- [shows his empty pocket]
MILLIE: Oh I forgot you’re out of a job. We’ll eat here.
JOE: Thanks.
MILLIE: Larry was here today.
JOE: Why that two-timing chiseler!!
MILLIE: That’s funny. You say he’s a chiseler, but he says you’re just a play boy. Are you?
JOE: No!! [bangs on the table] That fuzzy-top porcupine. [bangs on the table again] If I catch him, I’ll--- I’ll brain him--- [bangs on the table, but this time he accidentally hits his hand on the bowl of cake batter] Oh!! [licks the batter from his hand] Hey that’s good!
[The scene ends]
[A new scene begins at Larry’s pet shop. Outside it says “Larry’s Pet Shop- Pet Supplies”]
[Dissolve to Larry’s office. Larry is smoking a big cigar and is reading something. He buzzes in his secretary. His secretary, Miss Lapdale, walks into the office]
LARRY: Good morning Miss Lapdale!
LAPDALE: Good morning Mr. Larry.
LARRY: Uh, take a letter, Miss Lapdale.
LAPDALE: Yes, Mr. Larry.
[Miss Lapdale walks up to Larry, sits on his lap, and gets her pen and pad ready]
LAPDALE: I’m ready.
LARRY: To my Siamese representative. Mr. R. Me. Dear Me. Uh--- I uh--- I--- [looks at Miss Lapdale] Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye [hugs Miss Lapdale]
[Larry and Miss Lapdale giggle as Moe walks in. Moe puts his hat down in the chair. He walks up to Larry. He pulls Miss Lapdale off of him. He grabs Larry by the hair]
LARRY: Hey! Wait a minute!
[Moe slaps Larry in the face and then on the head]
MOE: Trying to steal my wife away from me, eh! [hits Larry in the stomach and then bonks him on the head]
MOE: I’ll tear ya apart, ya philandering porcupine.
[Moe grabs Larry’s nose]
MOE: You keep away from my wife or I’ll tear this cucumber off and shove it down your throat. [with his hand still grabbing Larry’s nose, he hits it with his other hand]
LARRY: Ah!! Wait a minute. I never saw your wife.
MOE: Oh yeah! I found this in my wife’s purse.
[Moe shows a card that has Larry’s picture on it and says: “Merry Xmas- Your Pet Man…Larry”]
LARRY: Oh that! That’s my Christmas ad. I give it to all my customers. [takes a bunch of the exact same cards out of his pocket and shows them to Moe]
LARRY: [secretly shows a sign of relief] I never saw your wife. I’m engaged to three beautiful girls. Ask my secretary.
MOE: Oh well I--- I just----
LARRY: Oh take it easy pal. Here. Sit down and calm yourself. [Larry takes a chair and puts it right beside the desk]
MOE: Thanks very much.
[Thinking the chair is behind him, Moe sits down and falls on the floor]
MOE: Ah!!
LARRY: Oh. I’m sorry. [helps Moe get up] Wait a minute now. Take it easy. How ‘bout a cigar?
MOE: I don’t smoke.
LARRY: Well get something to calm yourself. You want a drink?
MOE: I don’t drink. [grabs the box of birdseeds on Larry’s desk] But I’ll have a little birdseed if you don’t mind. It always clams my nerves. [takes some birdseeds out of the box]
[Larry takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes his head]
[Moe eats some birdseeds and starts chirping like a bird]
[Larry suddenly gets an idea in head, so he approaches Moe]
LARRY: Say. I used to be a private detective and as a favor to you, I’ll try to find this chiseler who’s trying to steal your Belle.
MOE: Belle!!!! [grabs Larry by the neck with both hands] How did you know her name was Belle??
LARRY: [frees himself from Moe] Wait! You know. All women are belles. Like belle of the ball.
MOE: [calms down] Oh I’m sorry pal. I’m too impetuous and jealous, I guess.
[Larry puts his hand on his face and gets a worried look. He gets another idea]
LARRY: That’s alright. I’ll try to find this chiseler. And when I find him, I’ll let you know. And when you get your hands on him, give him this [slaps Moe in the face] and that [slaps Moe in the head] and this [eyepokes Moe] and this [hits Moe in the stomach] and this [bonks Moe in the head] and this [grabs Moe’s nose and hits it]
MOE: [looks happy] Oh thanks. You’re certainly a pal. [shakes hands with Larry]
LARRY: It’s alright. And when you find him, give him this. [kicks Moe]
MOE: Oh oh oh! [runs into the door.]
[Moe hits his head when he runs into the door. We hear a cuckoo sound as Moe looks unconscious. An unconscious Moe still manages to open the door and walk out]
LARRY: [looks relieved] Whew! What a narrow escape. He suspects Belle and I. [sits down at his desk] I gotta find myself a fall guy before he gets wise. [grabs his cigar and smokes it]
[An angry Joe walks in and sees Larry.]
LARRY: [sees Joe and says to himself] My fall guy! [picks up the phone and talks on it] Hello. Yes yes. I appreciate that. Thank you. [hangs up the phone]
[Joe walks up to Larry]
LARRY: Just the guy I’m looking for Joe!
JOE: Just the guy I’m looking for!! [rips part of Larry’s suit jacket]
LARRY: Hey! What’s the idea? [rips part of Joe’s suit jacket] You big hunk of blubber! What do you think you’re doing?
JOE: You told my girl, Millie, that I was a play boy. You’re a fine friend. [rips another part of Larry’s suit jacket]
LARRY: Hey! I just got you a job with Plotnick. Isn’t that being a friend?
JOE: Forgive me Larry. Forgive me for misjudging you. I’m--- I’m an ingrate. I hate myself.
[Joe starts crying. He takes out a very long handkerchief from his jacket pocket and blows his nose on it]
LARRY: [taps Joe] There there. I got you a job selling men’s custom-made underwear and novelties. And Santa Claus suits. I’ll get you the card. [opens his desk drawer]
JOE: Oh boy! A job! Santa Claus suits. Oh boy! I’m gonna be a---
[Larry grabs the card from his drawer and shows it to Joe]
LARRY: Look look! You’re all set. Here’s your first customer. My pal Moe’s wife. There’s the address.
JOE: Gee! Gee Larry. Thanks. I’ll--- I’ll never forget you for this.
LARRY: I’m sure you won’t.
[Joe is just about to leave but Larry stops him and hands him a plate of sandwiches.]
LARRY: Hey wait a minute! Have a sandwich before you go.
JOE: Don’t mind if I do.
[Joe grabs a sandwich from the plate and opens it up. He grabs one half of the sandwich and puts mayonnaise on it. As he puts mayonnaise, a frog hops into his sandwich.]
JOE: Boy I’m starved. I’ll enjoy this.
[After he puts mayonnaise on one half of the sandwich he puts his sandwich back together without realizing the frog is there]
[Joe is just about to take a bite into the sandwich when the frog pops its head out. Joe gets scared]
JOE: Ah!! Ehh!! Ooooh! [throws the sandwich]
[The scene ends. A new scene begins inside Belle’s apartment. Moe is standing on a chair putting bulbs on the Christmas tree lights. Bells is standing next to him handing him the bulbs]
BELLE: [hands Moe a bulb] Here’s that last bulb.
MOE: I’ll get this in and then I’ll be finished.
BELLE: Oh, be careful Moe dear. You might fall. [to herself] I hope.
MOE: Why Belle baby! The only one I’d ever fall for is you. Hahahaha!
[Moe puts in the last bulb and it starts sparking. Moe gets electrocuted]
MOE: Nyahhh Nyahhh Ahhhh Ohhhh Oh!!
[Moe falls down onto the floor and pulls the tree down as he falls. Moe is lying on the floor with the tree on top of him]
BELLE: Clumsy ox!
[Belle takes the tree off of Moe]
MOE: Ah! Ah!
[Moe has a Santa Claus beard on, so he takes it off. Moe has a bunch of Christmas lights stuck in his mouth. He tries to yank them out but can’t]
MOE: [as he tries to yank out the Christmas lights] Ah! Mmm mm mm mm!
[Moe unbuttons his shirt and opens it up. The Christmas lights are glowing through his stomach. Belle turns around and sees the lights]
MOE: Mmmm! Unnngg! Nnn nnn nnn!
BELLE: Oh Moe! What is the matter with you today!
MOE: Nnnn!
[Belle tries to yank the lights out of Moe’s mouth]
MOE: Ungggg!
[Belle slowly pulls the Christmas lights out of Moe’s mouth]
MOE: Ahh! Ahhhhhhh! [Belle finally pulls out all of the lights] Wow!! Oh thanks darling.
BELLE: Oh thanks nothing.
[Moe gets up and looks at his watch]
MOE: Say, you’d better finish the tree. I got an appointment. I’m late.
[Moe takes his jacket and puts it on without realizing that the hanger is still inside of it. The hook from the hanger is sticking out from the top of his jacket]
MOE: Ah! Kiss me goodbye darling.
[As Moe and Belle kiss, the hook on Moe’s jacket hooks onto the Christmas tree.]
MOE: Ah! I’ll see ya later. Oh my hat! [takes a few step and the Christmas tree falls on him] Nyah ah ah ah ah ah!!
BELLE: Oh! Clumsy idiot!!
[Dissolve to a new scene inside Belle’s apartment. The doorbell rings and Belle walks up to the door to answer it. When she opens the door, Joe walks in with a big suitcase in his hand. He removes his hat]
BELLE: Yes!
JOE: Hello madam! Larry Fine sent me regarding undergarments for your husband for Christmas!
BELLE: Oh yes, he phoned me. Won’t you come in?
JOE: Thanks.
[Joe walks up to the chair and puts his suitcase down.]
JOE: Nice place ya have here.
BELLE: Thank you.
[Joe tries to open the suitcase but as he opens it, he hits his chin by accident]
JOE: Silly! [shows the Santa Claus suit in the suitcase] I also sell Santa Claus suits. [takes out a striped shirt from the suitcase] And here’s the latest creation from Paris. A dilly.
BELLE: My!! They’re rather cute! Would you mind modeling them for me?
JOE: I don’t mind if I do.
BELLE: Alright! You may go in there. [points to the room right beside Joe]
[Joe walks into the room and leaves the door open. Belle is still standing there watching Joe. Joe puts the suitcase down in the other room, he removes his suit jacket, and he puts down his suspenders. He’s just about to remove his pants when he sees Belle looking at him. He smiles and closes the door.]
[Cut to Larry talking on the phone in his office]
LARRY: [on the phone] But Millie! It’s true. You go to the address like I told you and you’ll find out what a two-timer Joe really is.
MILLIE: Is he there now?
LARRY: Yeah, get over there.
[Larry hangs up the phone]
LARRY: Now to call Moe. [picks up the phone again]
[Larry dials ten numbers on the phone]
LARRY: [to himself] Whew! What a long prefix! [on the phone] Hello Moe! This is your pal Larry. You get over to your apartment right away and you’ll find the guy that’s been breaking up your home. Yeah! Right now! Go ahead. Ok!! [hangs up the phone]
[Larry smokes the cigar and laughs]
[Cut to Belle’s apartment. Belle is sitting down waiting for Joe to change. Joe walks out of the changing room wearing some very baggy shorts with two tassels attached to each side]
JOE: Any man would like this. You can wear it for a sun suit, underwear, or anywhere.
[Millie rings the doorbell outside of the apartment]
BELLE: Oh, pardon me [gets up and answers the door]
MILLIE: Well where is he? Where is that faithless Joe?
[Joe gets a scared look on his face when he hears Millie]
BELLE: [to Millie] Who?
MILLIE: Don’t act so innocent, you’re not fooling me.
BELLE: Well just a moment.
[Joe sees a long, black fur on the floor. The fur has a fake bear head attached on the end. Joe hides under the fur]
MILLIE: [walks into the apartment] I’m going to look for him myself. No use lying to me. Larry told me he was here with you.
JOE: [peeks from under the fur and says to himself] That double-crossing skunk, Larry
BELLE: [to Millie] Do you know Larry?
MILLIE: Yes, and I suppose I’m gonna have to marry him after all.
BELLE: Over my dead body.
JOE: Mine too. [covers his mouth and covers himself with the fur]
MILLIE: What was that?
BELLE: Well, I---
[Moe walks into the apartment all furious. He has a gun in his hand. He takes off his hat and puts it in the chair]
MOE: I’ll murder him.
BELLE: Moe!
MOE: Where is he? I’ll murder him. I’ll tear him to pieces. That’s what I’ll---
[Moe walks around the apartment and trips over the fake bear head that’s attached to the fur Joe is hiding under. When he trips, he falls on the floor and accidentally shoots his gun in the air. The gun shoots at a pot on top of the shelf. The pot falls and lands on Moe’s head and gets stuck]
MOE: Ohhhh!! Help! Help me out! Help!
[Belle and Millie walk up to Moe and try to get the pot off of Moe]
MOE: Help! Ow! Ow!
BELLE: Moe, shrink your head. Pull in your ears.
[As Millie and Belle continue to help get the pot off of Moe’s head, Joe gets out from under the fur, he grabs his suitcase and goes up the chimney on the fireplace]
MOE: Ow! Help! Help me out! Help! Oh! Oh! Oh! [Belle and Millie finally slip the pot off of Moe’s head] Oh oh oh oh! Oh my nose! He’s in here someplace. [grabs his gun on the floor] I’ll find him. [stands by the fireplace] Where’d ya hide him? Which way did he go? [a hand sticks out of the fireplace and taps Moe. It points to Moe’s left] Thanks buddy!
[Moe is just about to run to his left, but he does a double take. He runs up to the fireplace, sticks his head in, and points his gun up]
MOE: Come down or I’ll shoot! [shoots up the chimney]
JOE: [still inside the chimney] Ohhhh!
MOE: I got him! [a brick falls on Moe’s head] Oh!
[Moe looks unconscious and we hear a cuckoo sound]
[Belle and Millie walk up to Moe]
BELLE AND MILLIE: Moe!
MILLIE: Take is easy Moe! Come on Moe! Moe?
[Joe gets out from under the chimney and comes out of the fireplace. He’s dressed as Santa Claus]
JOE: Merry Christmas everyone! Merry merry merry merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
[Moe gets up and walks up to Joe]
JOE: I hope you all have a Merry merry merry [Moe pulls down Joe’s Santa Claus beard] Me—Me- Me- Me- Me---
MILLIE: Joe!!!
JOE: Oh ya snitch!
[Moe lets go of the Santa Claus beard he pulled on Joe. When he lets go, it hits Joe in the face]
MOE: Oh, you’re the triple crosser that’s trying to ruin my home, huh!! I’ll get you!
[Joe grabs a bellow by the fireplace and pumps a bunch of soot on Moe’s face]
MOE: Ah! Ahh!! Ah!
JOE: Oh!!!
[Joe runs out to the hallway]
JOE: Oh! [Runs into the janitor’s closet]
[Moe wipes his face and runs out to the hallway with the gun in his hand]
MOE: I’ll get you, you home wrecker! Where is he? [stands in the hallway to look for Joe.] Where is he?
[Joe opens the closet door and sees Moe who has his back facing him. He closes the door]
MOE: [hears the door close] That dirty rat! [turns around and runs] I’ll murder him.
[As Moe runs down the hallway, he passes by the janitor’s closet. As Moe passes by the closet, Joe opens the door and it hits Moe.]
MOE: Oh!! [falls on the floor]
[Moe gets up and hears a cuckoo sound]
MOE: Eeeeh! [dances his way out of the hallway]
[The elevator door opens and Larry walks down the hallway. Joe peaks out the janitor’s closet and sees Larry.]
[After Larry passes by the janitor’s closet, Joe opens the door, whistles at Larry and then closes it]
LARRY: Huh? [turns around]
[Joe, still in his Santa Claus outfit, opens the door]
JOE: Psst! [signals to Larry to come over]
[Larry walks up to the janitor’s closet looking confused. As he walks up to it, Joe slams the door on Larry’s face]
LARRY: Ooh!
[Joe comes out with a pail and he hits Larry on the head with it several times]
JOE: I’ll get you! I’ll get you! Get in there! [pushes Larry into the closet]
[Joe and Larry go back inside the closet. Moe walks back down the hallway again. A guy comes out from another room with a tray full of dishes. Moe bumps into him. They both fall on the floor and the dishes go everywhere. Moe gets up and kicks the guy in the rear]
MOE: That’s what you get for tripping me.
[Moe runs back into Belle’s apartment]
BELLE: [talking to Millie] I tell you. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MOE: He must’ve come back in here. I’ll fill him full of holes.
BELLE: [grabs Moe’s gun] Give me that. You’ll shoot somebody.
MOE: [still hangs onto the gun] Turn me loose, I tell ya.
[As Belle and Moe fight for the gun, the gun accidentally fires and shoots Moe in the foot]
MOE: Ow ow ow ow ow ow! Ow ow ow!
[Joe grabs Larry out of the janitor’s closet]
JOE: You double crosser! You chiseler you!
LARRY: Wait a minute Joe!
[Joe drags Larry into Belle’s apartment and pushes him in. Larry and Moe bump heads by accident]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh!
JOE: [removes his Santa Claus beard and says to Moe] Look what Santa Claus brought you! This rat sent me here to sell underwear so you could catch me here.
MILLIE: He also phoned me and said that Joe was here with your wife.
JOE: [to Larry] Why y---
MOE: [to Millie] He phoned me too.
JOE: [to Larry] Why you! [takes a punch at Larry, but he ducks and accidentally hits Moe]
MOE: Oh!! Why you! [takes a punch at Larry but he ducks again and accidentally hits Joe]
JOE: Oooh!
[Moe makes a second attempt to punch Larry, but Millie stops him]
MILLIE: Stop! Don’t hit him
LARRY: Thanks!
MILLIE: Let me do it. [punches Larry in the face]
JOE: Good good! Oh doll face! You doll! [hugs Millie]
MOE: [to Larry] You snake in the grass!! [pulls Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Ow! Ow!
MOE: You skunk! [pulls more of Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Ah!!
MOE: You---
LARRY: Philanderer?
MOE: I can’t say philanderer. You mixed me up. Where was I?
LARRY: Skunk.
MOE: Oh yeah! You dirty baboon! [pulls more of Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Ah!! Oh oh oh!
[Joe and Millie hug and kiss]
JOE: You see I’m no play boy. [Joe and Millie hug again] I think.
[Joe winks at the camera as Millie and him hug. The scene ends]
--THE END--
MILLIE: [to the dog] Hi Shorty. Did you miss me? Huh? Go on!
[Millie puts down her golf clubs]
MILLIE: I’m tired and I’m hungry too. [walks up to the table that has a plate full of marshmallow balls] These look so good. [The dog barks] Doggies don’t get cookies either. [Takes a marshmallow ball and eats it] Mmmm!
[Larry sneaks into the apartment through the front door. He has flowers in his hand and is hiding them behind his back. He sees Millie eating marshmallows, so he sneaks up behind her]
LARRY: Surprise!!
MILLIE: [gets startled and sees Larry] You again!
LARRY: In person, Millie my little dilly. And I brought you some flowers. [gives the flowers to Millie]
MILLIE: [in an annoyed manner] Thank you. [takes the flowers]
LARRY: Don’t mind if I do. [takes the plate full of marshmallow balls and eats one]
[Millie looks annoyed. She walks to the other side of the room to put the flowers in the vase]
LARRY: Hey Millie. How ‘bout having dinner with me tonight?
MILLIE: I have a date with Joe. You know we’re engaged.
LARRY: [looks annoyed. He starts to get an idea in his head.] You’re a sucker Millie. You know he’s not true to you. He’s a play boy.
MILLIE: I don’t believe you.
LARRY: Nevertheless, it’s a fact. [Larry tries to grab another marshmallow ball, but instead he grabs a golf ball from the small tray of golf balls] You’re too good for that chiseler. [Larry bites the golf ball thinking it’s a marshmallow] Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!
[Larry realizes it’s a golf ball so he throws it in anger. It hits the wall and bounces back onto Larry’s head]
MILLIE: Serves you right for lying about my Joe.
LARRY: Yeah, someday you’ll catch that two-timer red-handed and you’ll know I wasn’t lying. Goodbye.
MILLIE: Goodbye!
[Larry walks away, steps on the golf ball and falls. Larry gets up and opens the front door]
LARRY: Goodbye. [bumps into the door] Oh!!
[Larry exits and the scene ends]
[A new scene begins inside Millie’s kitchen. She is mixing cake batter in a bowl. Joe walks in with a rifle and a turkey in his hand.]
MILLIE: Joey darling.
JOE: Sugar plumb! Baking a cake!
MILLIE: It’s for you. Did you bag anything?
JOE: Yes, sir-eee, I sure did. [shows the turkey to Millie. It still has its feathers intact]
MILLIE: A turkey! Did you really kill it?
JOE: Sure did.
MILLIE: Now no fibs Joey. How many shots?
JOE: None.
MILLIE: None?
JOE: Hit it with my car. [The turkey starts flapping its wings and it’s hitting Joe in the face]
MILLIE: Hang on Joe!
[The turkey flies away from Joe and stands by the window]
JOE: Stand back. I’ll get it before it flies away.
[Joe tries to shoot the turkey with his rifle but he misses. The turkey flies out the window]
JOE: The barrel must’ve been bent. It makes me so mad--- [bangs the rifle on the ground in anger, but he accidentally bangs it on his foot] Ow ooh!
MILLIE: Never mind. You can take me out for a turkey dinner.
JOE: Well, uh--- [shows his empty pocket]
MILLIE: Oh I forgot you’re out of a job. We’ll eat here.
JOE: Thanks.
MILLIE: Larry was here today.
JOE: Why that two-timing chiseler!!
MILLIE: That’s funny. You say he’s a chiseler, but he says you’re just a play boy. Are you?
JOE: No!! [bangs on the table] That fuzzy-top porcupine. [bangs on the table again] If I catch him, I’ll--- I’ll brain him--- [bangs on the table, but this time he accidentally hits his hand on the bowl of cake batter] Oh!! [licks the batter from his hand] Hey that’s good!
[The scene ends]
[A new scene begins at Larry’s pet shop. Outside it says “Larry’s Pet Shop- Pet Supplies”]
[Dissolve to Larry’s office. Larry is smoking a big cigar and is reading something. He buzzes in his secretary. His secretary, Miss Lapdale, walks into the office]
LARRY: Good morning Miss Lapdale!
LAPDALE: Good morning Mr. Larry.
LARRY: Uh, take a letter, Miss Lapdale.
LAPDALE: Yes, Mr. Larry.
[Miss Lapdale walks up to Larry, sits on his lap, and gets her pen and pad ready]
LAPDALE: I’m ready.
LARRY: To my Siamese representative. Mr. R. Me. Dear Me. Uh--- I uh--- I--- [looks at Miss Lapdale] Aye-aye-aye-aye-aye [hugs Miss Lapdale]
[Larry and Miss Lapdale giggle as Moe walks in. Moe puts his hat down in the chair. He walks up to Larry. He pulls Miss Lapdale off of him. He grabs Larry by the hair]
LARRY: Hey! Wait a minute!
[Moe slaps Larry in the face and then on the head]
MOE: Trying to steal my wife away from me, eh! [hits Larry in the stomach and then bonks him on the head]
MOE: I’ll tear ya apart, ya philandering porcupine.
[Moe grabs Larry’s nose]
MOE: You keep away from my wife or I’ll tear this cucumber off and shove it down your throat. [with his hand still grabbing Larry’s nose, he hits it with his other hand]
LARRY: Ah!! Wait a minute. I never saw your wife.
MOE: Oh yeah! I found this in my wife’s purse.
[Moe shows a card that has Larry’s picture on it and says: “Merry Xmas- Your Pet Man…Larry”]
LARRY: Oh that! That’s my Christmas ad. I give it to all my customers. [takes a bunch of the exact same cards out of his pocket and shows them to Moe]
LARRY: [secretly shows a sign of relief] I never saw your wife. I’m engaged to three beautiful girls. Ask my secretary.
MOE: Oh well I--- I just----
LARRY: Oh take it easy pal. Here. Sit down and calm yourself. [Larry takes a chair and puts it right beside the desk]
MOE: Thanks very much.
[Thinking the chair is behind him, Moe sits down and falls on the floor]
MOE: Ah!!
LARRY: Oh. I’m sorry. [helps Moe get up] Wait a minute now. Take it easy. How ‘bout a cigar?
MOE: I don’t smoke.
LARRY: Well get something to calm yourself. You want a drink?
MOE: I don’t drink. [grabs the box of birdseeds on Larry’s desk] But I’ll have a little birdseed if you don’t mind. It always clams my nerves. [takes some birdseeds out of the box]
[Larry takes a handkerchief out of his pocket and wipes his head]
[Moe eats some birdseeds and starts chirping like a bird]
[Larry suddenly gets an idea in head, so he approaches Moe]
LARRY: Say. I used to be a private detective and as a favor to you, I’ll try to find this chiseler who’s trying to steal your Belle.
MOE: Belle!!!! [grabs Larry by the neck with both hands] How did you know her name was Belle??
LARRY: [frees himself from Moe] Wait! You know. All women are belles. Like belle of the ball.
MOE: [calms down] Oh I’m sorry pal. I’m too impetuous and jealous, I guess.
[Larry puts his hand on his face and gets a worried look. He gets another idea]
LARRY: That’s alright. I’ll try to find this chiseler. And when I find him, I’ll let you know. And when you get your hands on him, give him this [slaps Moe in the face] and that [slaps Moe in the head] and this [eyepokes Moe] and this [hits Moe in the stomach] and this [bonks Moe in the head] and this [grabs Moe’s nose and hits it]
MOE: [looks happy] Oh thanks. You’re certainly a pal. [shakes hands with Larry]
LARRY: It’s alright. And when you find him, give him this. [kicks Moe]
MOE: Oh oh oh! [runs into the door.]
[Moe hits his head when he runs into the door. We hear a cuckoo sound as Moe looks unconscious. An unconscious Moe still manages to open the door and walk out]
LARRY: [looks relieved] Whew! What a narrow escape. He suspects Belle and I. [sits down at his desk] I gotta find myself a fall guy before he gets wise. [grabs his cigar and smokes it]
[An angry Joe walks in and sees Larry.]
LARRY: [sees Joe and says to himself] My fall guy! [picks up the phone and talks on it] Hello. Yes yes. I appreciate that. Thank you. [hangs up the phone]
[Joe walks up to Larry]
LARRY: Just the guy I’m looking for Joe!
JOE: Just the guy I’m looking for!! [rips part of Larry’s suit jacket]
LARRY: Hey! What’s the idea? [rips part of Joe’s suit jacket] You big hunk of blubber! What do you think you’re doing?
JOE: You told my girl, Millie, that I was a play boy. You’re a fine friend. [rips another part of Larry’s suit jacket]
LARRY: Hey! I just got you a job with Plotnick. Isn’t that being a friend?
JOE: Forgive me Larry. Forgive me for misjudging you. I’m--- I’m an ingrate. I hate myself.
[Joe starts crying. He takes out a very long handkerchief from his jacket pocket and blows his nose on it]
LARRY: [taps Joe] There there. I got you a job selling men’s custom-made underwear and novelties. And Santa Claus suits. I’ll get you the card. [opens his desk drawer]
JOE: Oh boy! A job! Santa Claus suits. Oh boy! I’m gonna be a---
[Larry grabs the card from his drawer and shows it to Joe]
LARRY: Look look! You’re all set. Here’s your first customer. My pal Moe’s wife. There’s the address.
JOE: Gee! Gee Larry. Thanks. I’ll--- I’ll never forget you for this.
LARRY: I’m sure you won’t.
[Joe is just about to leave but Larry stops him and hands him a plate of sandwiches.]
LARRY: Hey wait a minute! Have a sandwich before you go.
JOE: Don’t mind if I do.
[Joe grabs a sandwich from the plate and opens it up. He grabs one half of the sandwich and puts mayonnaise on it. As he puts mayonnaise, a frog hops into his sandwich.]
JOE: Boy I’m starved. I’ll enjoy this.
[After he puts mayonnaise on one half of the sandwich he puts his sandwich back together without realizing the frog is there]
[Joe is just about to take a bite into the sandwich when the frog pops its head out. Joe gets scared]
JOE: Ah!! Ehh!! Ooooh! [throws the sandwich]
[The scene ends. A new scene begins inside Belle’s apartment. Moe is standing on a chair putting bulbs on the Christmas tree lights. Bells is standing next to him handing him the bulbs]
BELLE: [hands Moe a bulb] Here’s that last bulb.
MOE: I’ll get this in and then I’ll be finished.
BELLE: Oh, be careful Moe dear. You might fall. [to herself] I hope.
MOE: Why Belle baby! The only one I’d ever fall for is you. Hahahaha!
[Moe puts in the last bulb and it starts sparking. Moe gets electrocuted]
MOE: Nyahhh Nyahhh Ahhhh Ohhhh Oh!!
[Moe falls down onto the floor and pulls the tree down as he falls. Moe is lying on the floor with the tree on top of him]
BELLE: Clumsy ox!
[Belle takes the tree off of Moe]
MOE: Ah! Ah!
[Moe has a Santa Claus beard on, so he takes it off. Moe has a bunch of Christmas lights stuck in his mouth. He tries to yank them out but can’t]
MOE: [as he tries to yank out the Christmas lights] Ah! Mmm mm mm mm!
[Moe unbuttons his shirt and opens it up. The Christmas lights are glowing through his stomach. Belle turns around and sees the lights]
MOE: Mmmm! Unnngg! Nnn nnn nnn!
BELLE: Oh Moe! What is the matter with you today!
MOE: Nnnn!
[Belle tries to yank the lights out of Moe’s mouth]
MOE: Ungggg!
[Belle slowly pulls the Christmas lights out of Moe’s mouth]
MOE: Ahh! Ahhhhhhh! [Belle finally pulls out all of the lights] Wow!! Oh thanks darling.
BELLE: Oh thanks nothing.
[Moe gets up and looks at his watch]
MOE: Say, you’d better finish the tree. I got an appointment. I’m late.
[Moe takes his jacket and puts it on without realizing that the hanger is still inside of it. The hook from the hanger is sticking out from the top of his jacket]
MOE: Ah! Kiss me goodbye darling.
[As Moe and Belle kiss, the hook on Moe’s jacket hooks onto the Christmas tree.]
MOE: Ah! I’ll see ya later. Oh my hat! [takes a few step and the Christmas tree falls on him] Nyah ah ah ah ah ah!!
BELLE: Oh! Clumsy idiot!!
[Dissolve to a new scene inside Belle’s apartment. The doorbell rings and Belle walks up to the door to answer it. When she opens the door, Joe walks in with a big suitcase in his hand. He removes his hat]
BELLE: Yes!
JOE: Hello madam! Larry Fine sent me regarding undergarments for your husband for Christmas!
BELLE: Oh yes, he phoned me. Won’t you come in?
JOE: Thanks.
[Joe walks up to the chair and puts his suitcase down.]
JOE: Nice place ya have here.
BELLE: Thank you.
[Joe tries to open the suitcase but as he opens it, he hits his chin by accident]
JOE: Silly! [shows the Santa Claus suit in the suitcase] I also sell Santa Claus suits. [takes out a striped shirt from the suitcase] And here’s the latest creation from Paris. A dilly.
BELLE: My!! They’re rather cute! Would you mind modeling them for me?
JOE: I don’t mind if I do.
BELLE: Alright! You may go in there. [points to the room right beside Joe]
[Joe walks into the room and leaves the door open. Belle is still standing there watching Joe. Joe puts the suitcase down in the other room, he removes his suit jacket, and he puts down his suspenders. He’s just about to remove his pants when he sees Belle looking at him. He smiles and closes the door.]
[Cut to Larry talking on the phone in his office]
LARRY: [on the phone] But Millie! It’s true. You go to the address like I told you and you’ll find out what a two-timer Joe really is.
MILLIE: Is he there now?
LARRY: Yeah, get over there.
[Larry hangs up the phone]
LARRY: Now to call Moe. [picks up the phone again]
[Larry dials ten numbers on the phone]
LARRY: [to himself] Whew! What a long prefix! [on the phone] Hello Moe! This is your pal Larry. You get over to your apartment right away and you’ll find the guy that’s been breaking up your home. Yeah! Right now! Go ahead. Ok!! [hangs up the phone]
[Larry smokes the cigar and laughs]
[Cut to Belle’s apartment. Belle is sitting down waiting for Joe to change. Joe walks out of the changing room wearing some very baggy shorts with two tassels attached to each side]
JOE: Any man would like this. You can wear it for a sun suit, underwear, or anywhere.
[Millie rings the doorbell outside of the apartment]
BELLE: Oh, pardon me [gets up and answers the door]
MILLIE: Well where is he? Where is that faithless Joe?
[Joe gets a scared look on his face when he hears Millie]
BELLE: [to Millie] Who?
MILLIE: Don’t act so innocent, you’re not fooling me.
BELLE: Well just a moment.
[Joe sees a long, black fur on the floor. The fur has a fake bear head attached on the end. Joe hides under the fur]
MILLIE: [walks into the apartment] I’m going to look for him myself. No use lying to me. Larry told me he was here with you.
JOE: [peeks from under the fur and says to himself] That double-crossing skunk, Larry
BELLE: [to Millie] Do you know Larry?
MILLIE: Yes, and I suppose I’m gonna have to marry him after all.
BELLE: Over my dead body.
JOE: Mine too. [covers his mouth and covers himself with the fur]
MILLIE: What was that?
BELLE: Well, I---
[Moe walks into the apartment all furious. He has a gun in his hand. He takes off his hat and puts it in the chair]
MOE: I’ll murder him.
BELLE: Moe!
MOE: Where is he? I’ll murder him. I’ll tear him to pieces. That’s what I’ll---
[Moe walks around the apartment and trips over the fake bear head that’s attached to the fur Joe is hiding under. When he trips, he falls on the floor and accidentally shoots his gun in the air. The gun shoots at a pot on top of the shelf. The pot falls and lands on Moe’s head and gets stuck]
MOE: Ohhhh!! Help! Help me out! Help!
[Belle and Millie walk up to Moe and try to get the pot off of Moe]
MOE: Help! Ow! Ow!
BELLE: Moe, shrink your head. Pull in your ears.
[As Millie and Belle continue to help get the pot off of Moe’s head, Joe gets out from under the fur, he grabs his suitcase and goes up the chimney on the fireplace]
MOE: Ow! Help! Help me out! Help! Oh! Oh! Oh! [Belle and Millie finally slip the pot off of Moe’s head] Oh oh oh oh! Oh my nose! He’s in here someplace. [grabs his gun on the floor] I’ll find him. [stands by the fireplace] Where’d ya hide him? Which way did he go? [a hand sticks out of the fireplace and taps Moe. It points to Moe’s left] Thanks buddy!
[Moe is just about to run to his left, but he does a double take. He runs up to the fireplace, sticks his head in, and points his gun up]
MOE: Come down or I’ll shoot! [shoots up the chimney]
JOE: [still inside the chimney] Ohhhh!
MOE: I got him! [a brick falls on Moe’s head] Oh!
[Moe looks unconscious and we hear a cuckoo sound]
[Belle and Millie walk up to Moe]
BELLE AND MILLIE: Moe!
MILLIE: Take is easy Moe! Come on Moe! Moe?
[Joe gets out from under the chimney and comes out of the fireplace. He’s dressed as Santa Claus]
JOE: Merry Christmas everyone! Merry merry merry merry Christmas! Merry Christmas!
[Moe gets up and walks up to Joe]
JOE: I hope you all have a Merry merry merry [Moe pulls down Joe’s Santa Claus beard] Me—Me- Me- Me- Me---
MILLIE: Joe!!!
JOE: Oh ya snitch!
[Moe lets go of the Santa Claus beard he pulled on Joe. When he lets go, it hits Joe in the face]
MOE: Oh, you’re the triple crosser that’s trying to ruin my home, huh!! I’ll get you!
[Joe grabs a bellow by the fireplace and pumps a bunch of soot on Moe’s face]
MOE: Ah! Ahh!! Ah!
JOE: Oh!!!
[Joe runs out to the hallway]
JOE: Oh! [Runs into the janitor’s closet]
[Moe wipes his face and runs out to the hallway with the gun in his hand]
MOE: I’ll get you, you home wrecker! Where is he? [stands in the hallway to look for Joe.] Where is he?
[Joe opens the closet door and sees Moe who has his back facing him. He closes the door]
MOE: [hears the door close] That dirty rat! [turns around and runs] I’ll murder him.
[As Moe runs down the hallway, he passes by the janitor’s closet. As Moe passes by the closet, Joe opens the door and it hits Moe.]
MOE: Oh!! [falls on the floor]
[Moe gets up and hears a cuckoo sound]
MOE: Eeeeh! [dances his way out of the hallway]
[The elevator door opens and Larry walks down the hallway. Joe peaks out the janitor’s closet and sees Larry.]
[After Larry passes by the janitor’s closet, Joe opens the door, whistles at Larry and then closes it]
LARRY: Huh? [turns around]
[Joe, still in his Santa Claus outfit, opens the door]
JOE: Psst! [signals to Larry to come over]
[Larry walks up to the janitor’s closet looking confused. As he walks up to it, Joe slams the door on Larry’s face]
LARRY: Ooh!
[Joe comes out with a pail and he hits Larry on the head with it several times]
JOE: I’ll get you! I’ll get you! Get in there! [pushes Larry into the closet]
[Joe and Larry go back inside the closet. Moe walks back down the hallway again. A guy comes out from another room with a tray full of dishes. Moe bumps into him. They both fall on the floor and the dishes go everywhere. Moe gets up and kicks the guy in the rear]
MOE: That’s what you get for tripping me.
[Moe runs back into Belle’s apartment]
BELLE: [talking to Millie] I tell you. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
MOE: He must’ve come back in here. I’ll fill him full of holes.
BELLE: [grabs Moe’s gun] Give me that. You’ll shoot somebody.
MOE: [still hangs onto the gun] Turn me loose, I tell ya.
[As Belle and Moe fight for the gun, the gun accidentally fires and shoots Moe in the foot]
MOE: Ow ow ow ow ow ow! Ow ow ow!
[Joe grabs Larry out of the janitor’s closet]
JOE: You double crosser! You chiseler you!
LARRY: Wait a minute Joe!
[Joe drags Larry into Belle’s apartment and pushes him in. Larry and Moe bump heads by accident]
MOE AND LARRY: Oh!
JOE: [removes his Santa Claus beard and says to Moe] Look what Santa Claus brought you! This rat sent me here to sell underwear so you could catch me here.
MILLIE: He also phoned me and said that Joe was here with your wife.
JOE: [to Larry] Why y---
MOE: [to Millie] He phoned me too.
JOE: [to Larry] Why you! [takes a punch at Larry, but he ducks and accidentally hits Moe]
MOE: Oh!! Why you! [takes a punch at Larry but he ducks again and accidentally hits Joe]
JOE: Oooh!
[Moe makes a second attempt to punch Larry, but Millie stops him]
MILLIE: Stop! Don’t hit him
LARRY: Thanks!
MILLIE: Let me do it. [punches Larry in the face]
JOE: Good good! Oh doll face! You doll! [hugs Millie]
MOE: [to Larry] You snake in the grass!! [pulls Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Ow! Ow!
MOE: You skunk! [pulls more of Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Ah!!
MOE: You---
LARRY: Philanderer?
MOE: I can’t say philanderer. You mixed me up. Where was I?
LARRY: Skunk.
MOE: Oh yeah! You dirty baboon! [pulls more of Larry’s hair]
LARRY: Ah!! Oh oh oh!
[Joe and Millie hug and kiss]
JOE: You see I’m no play boy. [Joe and Millie hug again] I think.
[Joe winks at the camera as Millie and him hug. The scene ends]
--THE END--
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