Great Movie Comedians, The (From Charlie Chaplin to Woody Allen)
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Transcribed By: xraffle
Date Added: 2008-09-02
[The short opens up on a sign that says “Woman Haters Club 87”]
[Dissolve to the inside of the building. Shemp is sitting down on the table pouring himself bottle of liquor. He then sprays some seltzer in his glass]
SHEMP: No ice I’ll get it myself. [picks up his glass and stands up] That’s all---
[Larry walks by and bumps into Shemp. Shemp splashes the glass of liquor all over himself]
LARRY: Oh I beg your pardon sir. I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry--- [Larry and Shemp recognize each other]
SHEMP: Larry! Of all people, I haven’t seen you in years. [shakes hands with Larry]
LARRY: Shemp! You’re a sight for sore eyes.
SHEMP: Sit down and we’ll have a drink.
LARRY: I don’t mind if I do.
SHEMP: Hahaha!
[Shemp and Larry sit down on the table]
LARRY: What kind of stuff is this? [looks at the bottle of liquor]
[The camera shows us a close-up of the label on the bottle of liquor. It reads: “Old Panther- Distilled Yesterday”]
LARRY: Hmm. Nice and fresh!
[Larry pours the liquor on two glasses, one for him and one for Shemp]
SHEMP: When did you join the Woman Haters Club?
LARRY: Oh it’s a long story. I’ll have to tell you a little later.
SHEMP: Alright
LARRY: Right now, we’re busy with this. You see. Oh brother!
SHEMP: Hahaha!
[Larry finishes pouring the liquor in the glasses. He sprays some seltzer on one glass and gives it to Shemp]
LARRY: There you are!
[Larry then sprays some seltzer on his own glass. Shemp and Larry raise their glasses.]
LARRY: Here’s how!
SHEMP: I know how.
[Shemp drinks his glass. Shemp reacts to the drink and we hear train sounds]
SHEMP: Too much seltzer.
[Larry drinks his glass. He also reacts to it. His hair blows and we hears a whistle sound. Larry grabs his hair]
LARRY: You’re right! They do make that seltzer strong. Well, you asked me a question. It’s a long story, but you asked for it. I was sitting at home reading a newspaper when I happen to glance at the personal column. There was an ad that caught my eye.
[Dissolve to Larry sitting in a chair in his apartment reading a newspaper. His hair is in curlers and he is sitting under a dryer. He sees an attractive ad in the newspaper]
LARRY: [reading the newspaper to himself] “Tired of being beautiful and alone. Will like to meet clean, well dressed handsome man about 35. Object matrimony. Address box 41144 Daily Journal.” [turns off dryer] What an opportunity! Beautiful and alone. But a handsome man, that might be a problem. What time is it?
[Larry walks up to the pendulum clock to see what time it is. As soon as he looks at the clock, the pendulum stops swinging.]
LARRY: Everything I look at the seven day clock, it stops. I can’t be that ugly. Or can I?
[Larry walks up to the mirror]
LARRY: Mirror mirror on the wall. Who’s the fairest of them all?
[The mirror suddenly breaks on its own]
LARRY: I break more mirrors that way. Ehhh!!
[Dissolve back to Larry and Shemp sitting on the table at the Woman Hater’s Club]
LARRY: Well, believe it or not, she thought I was handsome. Hahaha. And I fell for her like a ton of bricks. Well a few nights later, I went to visit her at her apartment as usual and uh--- [takes the bubble gum from his mouth and stretches it]
[Dissolve to Jane’s apartment. Larry grabs Jane’s hand and kisses it]
LARRY: Close your eyes. I have a surprise for you.
[Larry takes out a ring and puts it on Jane’s finger]
JANE: Oh darling, it’s beautiful!!
JANE: Oh! [grabs Larry and kisses him four times on the face]
[Larry’s face is full of lipstick marks]
LARRY: Oh [speaks indistinctly] Oh I’m gonna relax and smoke a bit. Ahaha! [grabs the cigarette case] You wanna smoke?
JANE: Thank you!
[Jane grabs a cigar. She bites the end of the cigar and spits it out. Larry takes a cigarette for himself. Larry takes a lighter and lights Jane’s cigar and then he lights his own cigarette]
[As Jane and Larry smoke, the doorbell rings]
JANE: Oh excuse me!
LARRY: I’ll get it! I’ll get it.
[Larry walks up to the front door and opens it. Moe walks in and sees the lipstick marks on Larry’s face]
LARRY: What can I do for you?
MOE: This! [punches Larry in the left eye]
LARRY: Oh!! Didn’t you make a mistake?
MOE: Yeah, I hit the wrong eye. [hits Larry in the right eye]
LARRY: Ohh!!
[Jane sees Moe approach her, so she puts her cigar away and places it on the ash tray. Moe walks up to Jane.]
MOE: Ah! My beautiful Jane! While it’s in my brain, may I daned again to ask you not refrain the chance to make us twain. Ah ah ah ah! [takes Jane’s hand] Hmm! [removes the ring Larry put on Jane’s finger] Yeh! [Moe takes his ring and puts it on Jane’s finger]
JANE: Oh darling, it’s beautiful. Oh!! [Jane takes Larry’s ring from Moe and puts in her bosom] You may kiss me.
MOE: Indeed!! [Moe kisses Jane]
[Larry walks up to Moe]
LARRY: Hey! What the hey!!
MOE: [to Jane] Who is this spotted raccoon?
JANE: Oh, he tried to get engaged to me with that miserable little two karat ring.
LARRY: Just a minute, that was two and a half karats you gold digger!
MOE: Why don’t you watch your manners? How dare you call my tomato a gold digger! [eyepokes Larry]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Get away from here!
[Larry sticks his hand in front of Moe. He moves his hand up and then moves it down. Moe follow Larry’s hand. When Larry moves his hand down, Moe follows it and bends down. Then Larry hits Moe in the head]
MOE: Oh!
[Larry then hits Moe in the stomach]
MOE: Oh!
[Moe bends down in pain and Larry hits Moe on top of head and he falls]
MOE: Ow!
LARRY: I guess I told him a two or thing. I took care of that guy I tell ya.
[Moe, who is still down on the floor, lifts Larry’s right trouser and bites his leg]
LARRY: Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh oh oh oh oh oh!
[Moe stands up and hits Larry in back of head. Larry gets pushed and he hits his head on the wall at the end of the room]
MOE: That caterpillar thinks he’s smart, but he’s not smart enough for me. I’ll---
[Larry grabs vase and throws it at Moe]
MOE: Ah ah! Look out!
[Moe ducks and the vase hits Jane in the head]
JANE: Ah ah!
MOE: Oh baby!
JANE: Ah!
MOE: Speak to me!
[Larry walks up to Moe and taps him from behind]
MOE: Yes! [turns to Larry]
LARRY: This. [eyepokes Moe]
MOE: Oh! Oh oh oh oh!
[Larry grabs Moe’s suit jacket and rips it. He then ties Moe with it.]
MOE: Hey hey! I’ll murder you! Take it easy now. Turn me loose. I’ll get you. I’ll tear ya tonsils out.
MOE: I can’t move here! Get me out of this. I’ll---
[Larry bends down and kicks Moe with both legs. When Moe gets kicked, he bumps into Jane and she falls on the couch]
JANE: Ah!
LARRY: I’m through with women forever! Give me back my ring. [takes the ring off of Jane’s finger]
JANE: That’s the wrong ring.
LARRY: So sue me! [walks away]
[Moe frees himself]
MOE: I’ll catch up to you one of these days wise guy and when I do, pow!! [Moe bonks himself in the head by accident]
[Dissolve back to Larry and Shemp sitting on the table at the Woman Hater’s Club]
SHEMP: Women have always made trouble. They’re all alike. Now my trouble started in the subway. It was crowded and I was hanging onto a strap. And all of a sudden, a beautiful girl get up and give me a seat. Well to make a long friendship short, here I was at her home---
[Dissolve to Jane’s kitchen. Jane is putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Shemp is hand drying a pitcher with a small towel]
SHEMP: That meal was wonderful.
JANE: Oh thank you!
SHEMP: Beautiful and can cook too.
JANE: Hahaha. Thank you! [turns on the dishwasher] There now. Will you excuse me while I powder my nose?
SHEMP: Sure! Where does this pitcher belong?
JANE: Up there in the cabinet.
[Shemp walks up to the cabinet. He opens the right door and puts the pitcher in. After he puts the pitcher in, he closes the door and the left door opens and hits him in the face.]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh oh oh!
[Shemp moves backwards and sees a dirty bowl by the sink]
SHEMP: Oh, she forgot to put the dirty dishes in the washer. I’ll do it
[Shemp opens the dishwasher and water gushes all over him]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh oh!!! Oh!
[Jane runs into the kitchen and sees Shemp being splashed with the water]
JANE: Ohhh!!!
[Jane runs up to the dishwasher and closes it]
JANE: Oh I’m so sorry! The automatic shut-off is out of order. Oh you’re soaking wet!
SHEMP: [sneezes] Achoooo!!
JANE: You better get those wet clothes off before you catch cold. Come on, I’ll give you something to wear.
SHEMP: In a minute, in a minute. [wrings his wet clothes and water splashes on face]
JANE: Oh! Ah! Come on!
SHEMP: Alright!
JANE: Oh!
[Jane and Shemp walk out of the kitchen]
[Dissolve to Jane’s bedroom]
JANE: Oh, they’re soaked. Now you hurry up and get out of those wet clothes and I’ll send them out to be cleaned and pressed. Meanwhile, make yourself at home.
[Jane walks behind the room divider]
SHEMP: Thanks a lot! [takes off his shirt and pants]
[While Jane is behind the divider, she hangs up her undergarments. Shemp gets shocked thinking she’s changing.]
[The divider gets knocked over and Jane is standing there fully clothed.]
JANE: Oh! Oh I’m sorry!
[Shemps picks the divider up]
JANE: Here you are! [gives Shemp some pajamas]
SHEMP: Where’d you get the men’s pajamas?
JANE: Oh they’re my husband’s but we’re separated.
SHEMP: Oh. [puts the pajamas on]
[Jane goes to the closet and gives Shemp a woman’s robe to put on]
JANE: Here put this on. It’ll help keep you warm, I think.
SHEMP: Oh thank you. Thank you. [puts on the robe]
[Jane looks at Shemp wearing the robe and she laughs]
[Dissolve back to Shemp and Larry sitting at the table at the Woman Hater’s Club]
SHEMP: Boy oh boy oh boy, what a night that was.
LARRY: Go on.
SHEMP: Let’s wet our whistles first. Here’s lookin’ at ya!
[Shemp lifts his mug filled with beer. He blows the foam and it flies across and hits Larry in the face. Larry wipes his face with a handkerchief. Larry then takes his mug of beer and blows the foam. It flies across and hits Shemp in the face. Shemp spreads the foam on his face. He takes out a straight razor and sharpens it with his tongue. He then begins shaving.]
LARRY: Sorry pal. Go on with your story.
SHEMP: [resumes his story as he shaves his face] Well, there we were in the living room waitin’ for my suit to come back from the cleaners. She was fond of music and I was playing the piano and singing. Haha. I was trying to impersonate that guy with the candelabra. Hahaha.
[Dissolve to Jane’s living room. Shemps is playing the grand piano and singing]
SHEMP: [singing] Home! Home on the farm! In Georgia, our farm had such charm. And mama’s so sweet, cooks good things to eat. In Georgia, down on the farm.
[Shemp finishes playing the piano. He gets up and approaches Jane]
SHEMP: How was that?
JANE: Oh that’s wonderful. You’re quite a musician.
SHEMP: Just fair. I play that in four sharps. I used to play in five flats but I got kicked out of the last one. Ahahahahaha!
JANE: [looks at the ring on Shemp’s finger] Oh, what a lovely ring! May I see it?
SHEMP: Certainly.
[Jane takes off the ring on Shemp’s finger]
JANE: Oh!
[Jane grabs a monocular and looks at the ring with it]
JANE: Oh!
JANE: Thank you very much! Oh no! No no no!
SHEMP: Now wait a minute. Oh no! Now wait! Now give me that!
[Jane and Shemp say this simultaneously as they fight for the ring]
[As Jane and Shemp fight for the ring, it accidentally drops inside the grand piano.]
JANE: Oooh!
SHEMP: Oh, it went down that hole.
[The phone rings]
JANE: Excuse me. I’m expecting an important phone call.
[Jane walks off-camera to answer the phone while Shemp struggles to get the rings from inside the grand piano]
SHEMP: I can’t get my hands under. [yanks some strings from the piano]
[Shemp yanks some more strings from the piano]
SHEMP: Gosh it went down further!
[Shemp climbs into the grand piano to try and get the ring back]
SHEMP: Ah! I’ll get it.
[As Shemp tries to get the ring, the grand piano closes on him]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh oh! Oh you cock-eyed thing.
[Shemp gets angry and pushes the cover away from him. The cover ends up slamming on Shemp and he gets pushed through the piano and lands on the floor covered in strings and pieces of wood.]
SHEMP: Ohhhh! What happened? I feel like a pretzel.
[Shemp tries to get up, but he hits his head. He gets up again.]
SHEMP: Ohhh!
[Shemp gets all of the strings and pieces of wood off of him.]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh if she sees this mess, she’ll kill me. I better get rid of it. Ah! In here! Never saw a piano with so much junk in it.
[Shemp opens up the cover of the grand piano and he places the strings and pieces of wood inside. Since he broke the piano, all the wood pieces and strings fall through the piano and onto the floor]
[Jane hangs up phone and sees Shemp. She gets angry]
JANE: Ooooh!! [walks up behind Shemp]
[Shemp dumps the rest of the wood pieces and strings into the piano. They all land on the floor. Shemp then decides to push everything under the piano with his foot.]
SHEMP: She’ll kill me if she sees this. Oh!
[Shemp takes the room divider and covers the piano with it]
SHEMP: She’ll never know the difference. [turns to Jane] Hello! [does a double take]
JANE: You wrecker!! [sees Shemp’s ring on the floor] Oh! You’re ring! [picks up the ring] That will pay for the damage to my piano.
[Jane places the ring in her bosom]
SHEMP: [says to himself] There must be a way to get that ring without getting into trouble with the censor.
[The doorbell rings. Jane immediately gets a worried look on her face]
JANE: [to Shemp] Shhh!!
MOE: [yelling from outside] Sweetheart! Open the door. I forgot me key.
JANE: [to Shemp] Oh, it’s my husband.
SHEMP: But I thought you were separated.
JANE: We were. He was on a trip. That’s separated, isn’t it?
SHEMP: Yeah--- [does a double take]
JANE: Oh he’s terribly jealous. If he finds you here, he’ll kill you.
SHEMP: If you think I’m afraid, you’re right. Where will I hide?
JANE: Upstairs. In the bedroom.
[Shemp goes up the stairs and into the bedroom. Jane opens the door and Moe comes out with a big suitcase.]
LARRY: Ah darling!
[Moe takes off his hat and places his suitcase by the wall]
MOE: I’m sorry honey. I must’ve forgot my key. Boy! [lifts up Jane] Are you a sight for sore eyes.
JANE: Oh well! Uh, you-- you got home early, didn’t you?
MOE: Yes, I flew. And are my arms tired. [flaps his arms] Hahaha!
[The doorbell rings]
MOE: I’m expecting a wire. [Moe walks up to the door to answer it]
[Cut to Shemp who is hiding in a trunk in the bedroom. He opens up the trunk and takes a look around. As he looks around, a cat walks up and licks his face]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! Oh! [sees the cat] A tiger!! [hides back inside the trunk]
[Cut to Moe who has just finished answering the door. He is holding a suit in his hand. He approaches Jane]
MOE: A boy said you told him to clean and press this suit. Whose is it?
JANE: Um.
MOE: Who are you hiding?
JANE: Well--- [stutters]
MOE: Never mind, I’ll find him myself. [throws the suits away]
JANE: Oh! Oh! Now now now honey!
MOE: I’ll murder him.
[Moe runs up the stairs while Jane follows him]
JANE: Please, now listen.
[Cut to the bedroom. Shemp opens the door, but he hears Moe and Jane coming. He quickly runs behind the room divider]
JANE: Moe listen. Believe me!
MOE: Well I don’t believe you.
[Moe walks into the bedroom while Jane follows him. Moe opens the drawer and takes out a gun]
JANE: Moe! Put down that gun.
MOE: I will if I don’t find that rat!
JANE: Oh!
[Moe looks around the bedroom]
MOE: Ah ha!! The bed!
[Moe looks under the bed but no one is there]
JANE: Moe, there’s nobody here. Why are you looking under the bed?
MOE: Because that’s where I hide when I--- What am I saying?
JANE: What?
MOE: Never mind, I’ll find him. Oh the closet! I’ll get that home wrecker!
[Moe walks up to the closet and looks through it]
JANE: Oh please! Listen to me. Please please!
MOE: I’ll find him.
[While Moe is searching the closet, Shemp gets out from behind the divider and quickly goes under the bed]
MOE: He must be amongst these clothes.
JANE: Moe I told you there is nobody here.
SHEMP: [says to himself while hiding under the bed] Liar.
MOE: Well that’s not my suit. And I’m gonna find the guy that it fits.
JANE: Oh Moe! Moe please listen to me!
MOE: I ain’t listening to nobody.
JANE: Oh!
[Moe walks up to the bed and looks under the bed sheets]
MOE: Shut up! How tall was he?
JANE: Oh, he was about five— Moe, I tell ya there’s nobody here. Now relax and sit down.
[Jane pushes Moe onto the bed. One of the springs that sticking out from under the bed ends up poking Shemp in the rear]
SHEMP: Oh!! [covers his mouth]
MOE: Now listen.
JANE: [sweet talks Moe] Oh now Moe baby. Lie down and relax. You’re getting all upset for nothing.
[Jane helps Moe lie down on the bed]
MOE: Well maybe you’re right.
JANE: Why certainly. You’re being silly. You know I wouldn’t have another man in this apartment.
[A mouse runs by the cat and the cat chases after it. The mouse runs into Shemp’s trousers and the cat follows it. The cat runs into Shemp’s trousers as well.]
SHEMP: Ohhhhhhhh!!
[Shemp gets up and the bed turns over. Moe falls over]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh oh!
[Moe stands up and gets ready to shoot Shemp]
MOE: I’ll get you, you rat!
[Shemp runs away]
JANE: Oh!
[Jane grabs Moe’s hand to prevent him from shooting Shemp. As Moe and Jane fight for the gun, it accidentally fires into the air, it shoots the chandelier on the ceiling, and it falls on Moe’s head]
JANE: Oh! [grabs Moe who is about to fall down due to unconsciousness]
[Dissolve back to Larry and Shemp sitting on the table at the Woman Hater’s Club]
SHEMP: I ran sixteen blocks. Got pinched for masquerading as a woman. And I had to pay fifty dollars fine. How do ya like that? Ohhh! I hate women.
LARRY: I don’t blame ya Shemp. Fifty dollars fine!
[At the other end of the room, Charlie is talking to another person. Larry turns his head and sees him]
LARRY: Hey! There’s Charlie!
SHEMP: Let’s say hello.
[Larry and Shemp get up from the table]
CHARLIE: [talking to Moe] All the dame wants is diamonds. Two karats, four karats—
[Larry and Shemp walk up to Charlie. Moe has his back turned to Larry and Shemp, so they haven’t seen each other yet.]
LARRY: Hi ya Charlie!
SHEMP: Hi Charles!
CHARLIE: Oh hi fellas. Say, I want you to meet a new member. This is, uh---
[Moe turns around and sees Larry and Shemp]
MOE: Why you rat!
[Moe takes a punch at Larry, but Larry ducks and he hits Charlie in the face by accident]
CHARLIE: Oh!
LARRY: Oh yeah. [grabs Moe] Who you call a rat, eh!
[Larry takes a punch at Moe, but Moe ducks and he hits Charlie in the face by accident]
LARRY: Oh! I’m sorry. Charlie boy!
MOE: Oh a wise guy.
[Shemp take a punch at Moe, but Moe ducks again and he hits Charlie in the face]
LARRY: Oh! You wanna fight eh!
[Moe turns to Larry. Moe hits Shemp in the head from behind]
SHEMP: Oh!
[Moe hits Larry in the head]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Get outta here!
[Shemps gets pushed backwards from the impact of the hit. He bumps into the drawer. He sees a phone on top of the drawer, so he grabs it.]
SHEMP: I’ll brain ya.
[Shemp throws the phone at Moe, but the cord isn’t long enough. The phone gets pulled back and hits Shemp in the face]
[Moe slaps Larry in the face several times with both hands. He them bites on Larry’s nose]
LARRY: Ah ah! Ah ah ah! Ah!
[Larry grabs a liquor bottle that’s on the table next to him. He tries to hit Moe with it without realizing that Charlie’s right behinds him.]
CHARLIE: You fellas---
[Larry accidentally hits Charlie with the bottle when he brings it back to hit Moe]
[Larry then hits Moe with the bottle. Moe get pushed back all the way to the wall. When he bumps into the wall, he falls down and accidentally knocks the fish bowl that’s beside him. The fish bowl falls on top of Moe’s head and gets stuck.]
MOE: [while his head is stuck in the fish bowl] Help! Hellppp!
[Charlie runs up to Moe]
CHARLIE: Oh Moe! Moe! Wait, I’ll get you out of it.
[Charlie grabs a cane]
CHARLIE: Hold still.
[Charlie brakes off the bowl with the cane]
CHARLIE: [slaps Moe to revive him] Moe! Moe! Can I do something? Can I get you a glass of water?
[Cut to Larry and Shemp. Shemp is still a bit unconscious from being hit by the phone. Larry tries to revive him]
SHEMP: A truck hit me.
LARRY: Come on! Let’s get out of here!
[Larry and Shemp run away.]
[Cut to outside. Jane is walking down the sidewalk with a bag full of groceries. She is also holding a box of flour and a bottle of milk. Larry and Shemp run out of the building and bump into Jane.]
JANE: Oh! Oh! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?
[Shemp and Larry both talk at the same time. Finally, Shemp and Larry see Jane and they recognize each other]
JANE: Well, what a pleasant surprise!!
SHEMP: Jane!
LARRY: The diamond kid!
SHEMP: Yes.
[Shemp and Larry signal to each other]
JANE: [turns to Larry] Oh this is wonderful. Long time no see.
[While Jane talks to Larry, Shemp grabs a dozen of eggs from the grocery bag Jane is holding.]
LARRY: Where’ve you been? Well I’ve been around.
[Shemp dumps a couple of eggs on Jane’s head]
JANE: Oh! What are you doing?
[Larry grabs the box of flour that Jane is holding in her hand]
JANE: What are you doing?
[Shemp dumps more eggs on Jane’s head]
JANE: What?! Oh!
[Larry opens the box of flour and pours it on Jane’s head]
JANE: Oh!! Please! Oh no!
[Shemp dumps more eggs on Jane’s head. Larry grabs the bottle of milk Jane is holding and opens it.]
JANE: Now cut that---
[Shemp dumps more eggs on Jane’s head and Larry pours all the milk on Jane’s head. They continue to do this. The scene ends]
--THE END--
[Dissolve to the inside of the building. Shemp is sitting down on the table pouring himself bottle of liquor. He then sprays some seltzer in his glass]
SHEMP: No ice I’ll get it myself. [picks up his glass and stands up] That’s all---
[Larry walks by and bumps into Shemp. Shemp splashes the glass of liquor all over himself]
LARRY: Oh I beg your pardon sir. I didn’t mean that. I’m sorry--- [Larry and Shemp recognize each other]
SHEMP: Larry! Of all people, I haven’t seen you in years. [shakes hands with Larry]
LARRY: Shemp! You’re a sight for sore eyes.
SHEMP: Sit down and we’ll have a drink.
LARRY: I don’t mind if I do.
SHEMP: Hahaha!
[Shemp and Larry sit down on the table]
LARRY: What kind of stuff is this? [looks at the bottle of liquor]
[The camera shows us a close-up of the label on the bottle of liquor. It reads: “Old Panther- Distilled Yesterday”]
LARRY: Hmm. Nice and fresh!
[Larry pours the liquor on two glasses, one for him and one for Shemp]
SHEMP: When did you join the Woman Haters Club?
LARRY: Oh it’s a long story. I’ll have to tell you a little later.
SHEMP: Alright
LARRY: Right now, we’re busy with this. You see. Oh brother!
SHEMP: Hahaha!
[Larry finishes pouring the liquor in the glasses. He sprays some seltzer on one glass and gives it to Shemp]
LARRY: There you are!
[Larry then sprays some seltzer on his own glass. Shemp and Larry raise their glasses.]
LARRY: Here’s how!
SHEMP: I know how.
[Shemp drinks his glass. Shemp reacts to the drink and we hear train sounds]
SHEMP: Too much seltzer.
[Larry drinks his glass. He also reacts to it. His hair blows and we hears a whistle sound. Larry grabs his hair]
LARRY: You’re right! They do make that seltzer strong. Well, you asked me a question. It’s a long story, but you asked for it. I was sitting at home reading a newspaper when I happen to glance at the personal column. There was an ad that caught my eye.
[Dissolve to Larry sitting in a chair in his apartment reading a newspaper. His hair is in curlers and he is sitting under a dryer. He sees an attractive ad in the newspaper]
LARRY: [reading the newspaper to himself] “Tired of being beautiful and alone. Will like to meet clean, well dressed handsome man about 35. Object matrimony. Address box 41144 Daily Journal.” [turns off dryer] What an opportunity! Beautiful and alone. But a handsome man, that might be a problem. What time is it?
[Larry walks up to the pendulum clock to see what time it is. As soon as he looks at the clock, the pendulum stops swinging.]
LARRY: Everything I look at the seven day clock, it stops. I can’t be that ugly. Or can I?
[Larry walks up to the mirror]
LARRY: Mirror mirror on the wall. Who’s the fairest of them all?
[The mirror suddenly breaks on its own]
LARRY: I break more mirrors that way. Ehhh!!
[Dissolve back to Larry and Shemp sitting on the table at the Woman Hater’s Club]
LARRY: Well, believe it or not, she thought I was handsome. Hahaha. And I fell for her like a ton of bricks. Well a few nights later, I went to visit her at her apartment as usual and uh--- [takes the bubble gum from his mouth and stretches it]
[Dissolve to Jane’s apartment. Larry grabs Jane’s hand and kisses it]
LARRY: Close your eyes. I have a surprise for you.
[Larry takes out a ring and puts it on Jane’s finger]
JANE: Oh darling, it’s beautiful!!
JANE: Oh! [grabs Larry and kisses him four times on the face]
[Larry’s face is full of lipstick marks]
LARRY: Oh [speaks indistinctly] Oh I’m gonna relax and smoke a bit. Ahaha! [grabs the cigarette case] You wanna smoke?
JANE: Thank you!
[Jane grabs a cigar. She bites the end of the cigar and spits it out. Larry takes a cigarette for himself. Larry takes a lighter and lights Jane’s cigar and then he lights his own cigarette]
[As Jane and Larry smoke, the doorbell rings]
JANE: Oh excuse me!
LARRY: I’ll get it! I’ll get it.
[Larry walks up to the front door and opens it. Moe walks in and sees the lipstick marks on Larry’s face]
LARRY: What can I do for you?
MOE: This! [punches Larry in the left eye]
LARRY: Oh!! Didn’t you make a mistake?
MOE: Yeah, I hit the wrong eye. [hits Larry in the right eye]
LARRY: Ohh!!
[Jane sees Moe approach her, so she puts her cigar away and places it on the ash tray. Moe walks up to Jane.]
MOE: Ah! My beautiful Jane! While it’s in my brain, may I daned again to ask you not refrain the chance to make us twain. Ah ah ah ah! [takes Jane’s hand] Hmm! [removes the ring Larry put on Jane’s finger] Yeh! [Moe takes his ring and puts it on Jane’s finger]
JANE: Oh darling, it’s beautiful. Oh!! [Jane takes Larry’s ring from Moe and puts in her bosom] You may kiss me.
MOE: Indeed!! [Moe kisses Jane]
[Larry walks up to Moe]
LARRY: Hey! What the hey!!
MOE: [to Jane] Who is this spotted raccoon?
JANE: Oh, he tried to get engaged to me with that miserable little two karat ring.
LARRY: Just a minute, that was two and a half karats you gold digger!
MOE: Why don’t you watch your manners? How dare you call my tomato a gold digger! [eyepokes Larry]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Get away from here!
[Larry sticks his hand in front of Moe. He moves his hand up and then moves it down. Moe follow Larry’s hand. When Larry moves his hand down, Moe follows it and bends down. Then Larry hits Moe in the head]
MOE: Oh!
[Larry then hits Moe in the stomach]
MOE: Oh!
[Moe bends down in pain and Larry hits Moe on top of head and he falls]
MOE: Ow!
LARRY: I guess I told him a two or thing. I took care of that guy I tell ya.
[Moe, who is still down on the floor, lifts Larry’s right trouser and bites his leg]
LARRY: Ow! Ow! Ow! Oh oh oh oh oh oh!
[Moe stands up and hits Larry in back of head. Larry gets pushed and he hits his head on the wall at the end of the room]
MOE: That caterpillar thinks he’s smart, but he’s not smart enough for me. I’ll---
[Larry grabs vase and throws it at Moe]
MOE: Ah ah! Look out!
[Moe ducks and the vase hits Jane in the head]
JANE: Ah ah!
MOE: Oh baby!
JANE: Ah!
MOE: Speak to me!
[Larry walks up to Moe and taps him from behind]
MOE: Yes! [turns to Larry]
LARRY: This. [eyepokes Moe]
MOE: Oh! Oh oh oh oh!
[Larry grabs Moe’s suit jacket and rips it. He then ties Moe with it.]
MOE: Hey hey! I’ll murder you! Take it easy now. Turn me loose. I’ll get you. I’ll tear ya tonsils out.
MOE: I can’t move here! Get me out of this. I’ll---
[Larry bends down and kicks Moe with both legs. When Moe gets kicked, he bumps into Jane and she falls on the couch]
JANE: Ah!
LARRY: I’m through with women forever! Give me back my ring. [takes the ring off of Jane’s finger]
JANE: That’s the wrong ring.
LARRY: So sue me! [walks away]
[Moe frees himself]
MOE: I’ll catch up to you one of these days wise guy and when I do, pow!! [Moe bonks himself in the head by accident]
[Dissolve back to Larry and Shemp sitting on the table at the Woman Hater’s Club]
SHEMP: Women have always made trouble. They’re all alike. Now my trouble started in the subway. It was crowded and I was hanging onto a strap. And all of a sudden, a beautiful girl get up and give me a seat. Well to make a long friendship short, here I was at her home---
[Dissolve to Jane’s kitchen. Jane is putting the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. Shemp is hand drying a pitcher with a small towel]
SHEMP: That meal was wonderful.
JANE: Oh thank you!
SHEMP: Beautiful and can cook too.
JANE: Hahaha. Thank you! [turns on the dishwasher] There now. Will you excuse me while I powder my nose?
SHEMP: Sure! Where does this pitcher belong?
JANE: Up there in the cabinet.
[Shemp walks up to the cabinet. He opens the right door and puts the pitcher in. After he puts the pitcher in, he closes the door and the left door opens and hits him in the face.]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh oh oh!
[Shemp moves backwards and sees a dirty bowl by the sink]
SHEMP: Oh, she forgot to put the dirty dishes in the washer. I’ll do it
[Shemp opens the dishwasher and water gushes all over him]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh oh!!! Oh!
[Jane runs into the kitchen and sees Shemp being splashed with the water]
JANE: Ohhh!!!
[Jane runs up to the dishwasher and closes it]
JANE: Oh I’m so sorry! The automatic shut-off is out of order. Oh you’re soaking wet!
SHEMP: [sneezes] Achoooo!!
JANE: You better get those wet clothes off before you catch cold. Come on, I’ll give you something to wear.
SHEMP: In a minute, in a minute. [wrings his wet clothes and water splashes on face]
JANE: Oh! Ah! Come on!
SHEMP: Alright!
JANE: Oh!
[Jane and Shemp walk out of the kitchen]
[Dissolve to Jane’s bedroom]
JANE: Oh, they’re soaked. Now you hurry up and get out of those wet clothes and I’ll send them out to be cleaned and pressed. Meanwhile, make yourself at home.
[Jane walks behind the room divider]
SHEMP: Thanks a lot! [takes off his shirt and pants]
[While Jane is behind the divider, she hangs up her undergarments. Shemp gets shocked thinking she’s changing.]
[The divider gets knocked over and Jane is standing there fully clothed.]
JANE: Oh! Oh I’m sorry!
[Shemps picks the divider up]
JANE: Here you are! [gives Shemp some pajamas]
SHEMP: Where’d you get the men’s pajamas?
JANE: Oh they’re my husband’s but we’re separated.
SHEMP: Oh. [puts the pajamas on]
[Jane goes to the closet and gives Shemp a woman’s robe to put on]
JANE: Here put this on. It’ll help keep you warm, I think.
SHEMP: Oh thank you. Thank you. [puts on the robe]
[Jane looks at Shemp wearing the robe and she laughs]
[Dissolve back to Shemp and Larry sitting at the table at the Woman Hater’s Club]
SHEMP: Boy oh boy oh boy, what a night that was.
LARRY: Go on.
SHEMP: Let’s wet our whistles first. Here’s lookin’ at ya!
[Shemp lifts his mug filled with beer. He blows the foam and it flies across and hits Larry in the face. Larry wipes his face with a handkerchief. Larry then takes his mug of beer and blows the foam. It flies across and hits Shemp in the face. Shemp spreads the foam on his face. He takes out a straight razor and sharpens it with his tongue. He then begins shaving.]
LARRY: Sorry pal. Go on with your story.
SHEMP: [resumes his story as he shaves his face] Well, there we were in the living room waitin’ for my suit to come back from the cleaners. She was fond of music and I was playing the piano and singing. Haha. I was trying to impersonate that guy with the candelabra. Hahaha.
[Dissolve to Jane’s living room. Shemps is playing the grand piano and singing]
SHEMP: [singing] Home! Home on the farm! In Georgia, our farm had such charm. And mama’s so sweet, cooks good things to eat. In Georgia, down on the farm.
[Shemp finishes playing the piano. He gets up and approaches Jane]
SHEMP: How was that?
JANE: Oh that’s wonderful. You’re quite a musician.
SHEMP: Just fair. I play that in four sharps. I used to play in five flats but I got kicked out of the last one. Ahahahahaha!
JANE: [looks at the ring on Shemp’s finger] Oh, what a lovely ring! May I see it?
SHEMP: Certainly.
[Jane takes off the ring on Shemp’s finger]
JANE: Oh!
[Jane grabs a monocular and looks at the ring with it]
JANE: Oh!
JANE: Thank you very much! Oh no! No no no!
SHEMP: Now wait a minute. Oh no! Now wait! Now give me that!
[Jane and Shemp say this simultaneously as they fight for the ring]
[As Jane and Shemp fight for the ring, it accidentally drops inside the grand piano.]
JANE: Oooh!
SHEMP: Oh, it went down that hole.
[The phone rings]
JANE: Excuse me. I’m expecting an important phone call.
[Jane walks off-camera to answer the phone while Shemp struggles to get the rings from inside the grand piano]
SHEMP: I can’t get my hands under. [yanks some strings from the piano]
[Shemp yanks some more strings from the piano]
SHEMP: Gosh it went down further!
[Shemp climbs into the grand piano to try and get the ring back]
SHEMP: Ah! I’ll get it.
[As Shemp tries to get the ring, the grand piano closes on him]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh oh! Oh you cock-eyed thing.
[Shemp gets angry and pushes the cover away from him. The cover ends up slamming on Shemp and he gets pushed through the piano and lands on the floor covered in strings and pieces of wood.]
SHEMP: Ohhhh! What happened? I feel like a pretzel.
[Shemp tries to get up, but he hits his head. He gets up again.]
SHEMP: Ohhh!
[Shemp gets all of the strings and pieces of wood off of him.]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh if she sees this mess, she’ll kill me. I better get rid of it. Ah! In here! Never saw a piano with so much junk in it.
[Shemp opens up the cover of the grand piano and he places the strings and pieces of wood inside. Since he broke the piano, all the wood pieces and strings fall through the piano and onto the floor]
[Jane hangs up phone and sees Shemp. She gets angry]
JANE: Ooooh!! [walks up behind Shemp]
[Shemp dumps the rest of the wood pieces and strings into the piano. They all land on the floor. Shemp then decides to push everything under the piano with his foot.]
SHEMP: She’ll kill me if she sees this. Oh!
[Shemp takes the room divider and covers the piano with it]
SHEMP: She’ll never know the difference. [turns to Jane] Hello! [does a double take]
JANE: You wrecker!! [sees Shemp’s ring on the floor] Oh! You’re ring! [picks up the ring] That will pay for the damage to my piano.
[Jane places the ring in her bosom]
SHEMP: [says to himself] There must be a way to get that ring without getting into trouble with the censor.
[The doorbell rings. Jane immediately gets a worried look on her face]
JANE: [to Shemp] Shhh!!
MOE: [yelling from outside] Sweetheart! Open the door. I forgot me key.
JANE: [to Shemp] Oh, it’s my husband.
SHEMP: But I thought you were separated.
JANE: We were. He was on a trip. That’s separated, isn’t it?
SHEMP: Yeah--- [does a double take]
JANE: Oh he’s terribly jealous. If he finds you here, he’ll kill you.
SHEMP: If you think I’m afraid, you’re right. Where will I hide?
JANE: Upstairs. In the bedroom.
[Shemp goes up the stairs and into the bedroom. Jane opens the door and Moe comes out with a big suitcase.]
LARRY: Ah darling!
[Moe takes off his hat and places his suitcase by the wall]
MOE: I’m sorry honey. I must’ve forgot my key. Boy! [lifts up Jane] Are you a sight for sore eyes.
JANE: Oh well! Uh, you-- you got home early, didn’t you?
MOE: Yes, I flew. And are my arms tired. [flaps his arms] Hahaha!
[The doorbell rings]
MOE: I’m expecting a wire. [Moe walks up to the door to answer it]
[Cut to Shemp who is hiding in a trunk in the bedroom. He opens up the trunk and takes a look around. As he looks around, a cat walks up and licks his face]
SHEMP: Oh! Oh! Oh! [sees the cat] A tiger!! [hides back inside the trunk]
[Cut to Moe who has just finished answering the door. He is holding a suit in his hand. He approaches Jane]
MOE: A boy said you told him to clean and press this suit. Whose is it?
JANE: Um.
MOE: Who are you hiding?
JANE: Well--- [stutters]
MOE: Never mind, I’ll find him myself. [throws the suits away]
JANE: Oh! Oh! Now now now honey!
MOE: I’ll murder him.
[Moe runs up the stairs while Jane follows him]
JANE: Please, now listen.
[Cut to the bedroom. Shemp opens the door, but he hears Moe and Jane coming. He quickly runs behind the room divider]
JANE: Moe listen. Believe me!
MOE: Well I don’t believe you.
[Moe walks into the bedroom while Jane follows him. Moe opens the drawer and takes out a gun]
JANE: Moe! Put down that gun.
MOE: I will if I don’t find that rat!
JANE: Oh!
[Moe looks around the bedroom]
MOE: Ah ha!! The bed!
[Moe looks under the bed but no one is there]
JANE: Moe, there’s nobody here. Why are you looking under the bed?
MOE: Because that’s where I hide when I--- What am I saying?
JANE: What?
MOE: Never mind, I’ll find him. Oh the closet! I’ll get that home wrecker!
[Moe walks up to the closet and looks through it]
JANE: Oh please! Listen to me. Please please!
MOE: I’ll find him.
[While Moe is searching the closet, Shemp gets out from behind the divider and quickly goes under the bed]
MOE: He must be amongst these clothes.
JANE: Moe I told you there is nobody here.
SHEMP: [says to himself while hiding under the bed] Liar.
MOE: Well that’s not my suit. And I’m gonna find the guy that it fits.
JANE: Oh Moe! Moe please listen to me!
MOE: I ain’t listening to nobody.
JANE: Oh!
[Moe walks up to the bed and looks under the bed sheets]
MOE: Shut up! How tall was he?
JANE: Oh, he was about five— Moe, I tell ya there’s nobody here. Now relax and sit down.
[Jane pushes Moe onto the bed. One of the springs that sticking out from under the bed ends up poking Shemp in the rear]
SHEMP: Oh!! [covers his mouth]
MOE: Now listen.
JANE: [sweet talks Moe] Oh now Moe baby. Lie down and relax. You’re getting all upset for nothing.
[Jane helps Moe lie down on the bed]
MOE: Well maybe you’re right.
JANE: Why certainly. You’re being silly. You know I wouldn’t have another man in this apartment.
[A mouse runs by the cat and the cat chases after it. The mouse runs into Shemp’s trousers and the cat follows it. The cat runs into Shemp’s trousers as well.]
SHEMP: Ohhhhhhhh!!
[Shemp gets up and the bed turns over. Moe falls over]
SHEMP: Oh oh oh oh!
[Moe stands up and gets ready to shoot Shemp]
MOE: I’ll get you, you rat!
[Shemp runs away]
JANE: Oh!
[Jane grabs Moe’s hand to prevent him from shooting Shemp. As Moe and Jane fight for the gun, it accidentally fires into the air, it shoots the chandelier on the ceiling, and it falls on Moe’s head]
JANE: Oh! [grabs Moe who is about to fall down due to unconsciousness]
[Dissolve back to Larry and Shemp sitting on the table at the Woman Hater’s Club]
SHEMP: I ran sixteen blocks. Got pinched for masquerading as a woman. And I had to pay fifty dollars fine. How do ya like that? Ohhh! I hate women.
LARRY: I don’t blame ya Shemp. Fifty dollars fine!
[At the other end of the room, Charlie is talking to another person. Larry turns his head and sees him]
LARRY: Hey! There’s Charlie!
SHEMP: Let’s say hello.
[Larry and Shemp get up from the table]
CHARLIE: [talking to Moe] All the dame wants is diamonds. Two karats, four karats—
[Larry and Shemp walk up to Charlie. Moe has his back turned to Larry and Shemp, so they haven’t seen each other yet.]
LARRY: Hi ya Charlie!
SHEMP: Hi Charles!
CHARLIE: Oh hi fellas. Say, I want you to meet a new member. This is, uh---
[Moe turns around and sees Larry and Shemp]
MOE: Why you rat!
[Moe takes a punch at Larry, but Larry ducks and he hits Charlie in the face by accident]
CHARLIE: Oh!
LARRY: Oh yeah. [grabs Moe] Who you call a rat, eh!
[Larry takes a punch at Moe, but Moe ducks and he hits Charlie in the face by accident]
LARRY: Oh! I’m sorry. Charlie boy!
MOE: Oh a wise guy.
[Shemp take a punch at Moe, but Moe ducks again and he hits Charlie in the face]
LARRY: Oh! You wanna fight eh!
[Moe turns to Larry. Moe hits Shemp in the head from behind]
SHEMP: Oh!
[Moe hits Larry in the head]
LARRY: Oh!
MOE: Get outta here!
[Shemps gets pushed backwards from the impact of the hit. He bumps into the drawer. He sees a phone on top of the drawer, so he grabs it.]
SHEMP: I’ll brain ya.
[Shemp throws the phone at Moe, but the cord isn’t long enough. The phone gets pulled back and hits Shemp in the face]
[Moe slaps Larry in the face several times with both hands. He them bites on Larry’s nose]
LARRY: Ah ah! Ah ah ah! Ah!
[Larry grabs a liquor bottle that’s on the table next to him. He tries to hit Moe with it without realizing that Charlie’s right behinds him.]
CHARLIE: You fellas---
[Larry accidentally hits Charlie with the bottle when he brings it back to hit Moe]
[Larry then hits Moe with the bottle. Moe get pushed back all the way to the wall. When he bumps into the wall, he falls down and accidentally knocks the fish bowl that’s beside him. The fish bowl falls on top of Moe’s head and gets stuck.]
MOE: [while his head is stuck in the fish bowl] Help! Hellppp!
[Charlie runs up to Moe]
CHARLIE: Oh Moe! Moe! Wait, I’ll get you out of it.
[Charlie grabs a cane]
CHARLIE: Hold still.
[Charlie brakes off the bowl with the cane]
CHARLIE: [slaps Moe to revive him] Moe! Moe! Can I do something? Can I get you a glass of water?
[Cut to Larry and Shemp. Shemp is still a bit unconscious from being hit by the phone. Larry tries to revive him]
SHEMP: A truck hit me.
LARRY: Come on! Let’s get out of here!
[Larry and Shemp run away.]
[Cut to outside. Jane is walking down the sidewalk with a bag full of groceries. She is also holding a box of flour and a bottle of milk. Larry and Shemp run out of the building and bump into Jane.]
JANE: Oh! Oh! Why don’t you watch where you’re going?
[Shemp and Larry both talk at the same time. Finally, Shemp and Larry see Jane and they recognize each other]
JANE: Well, what a pleasant surprise!!
SHEMP: Jane!
LARRY: The diamond kid!
SHEMP: Yes.
[Shemp and Larry signal to each other]
JANE: [turns to Larry] Oh this is wonderful. Long time no see.
[While Jane talks to Larry, Shemp grabs a dozen of eggs from the grocery bag Jane is holding.]
LARRY: Where’ve you been? Well I’ve been around.
[Shemp dumps a couple of eggs on Jane’s head]
JANE: Oh! What are you doing?
[Larry grabs the box of flour that Jane is holding in her hand]
JANE: What are you doing?
[Shemp dumps more eggs on Jane’s head]
JANE: What?! Oh!
[Larry opens the box of flour and pours it on Jane’s head]
JANE: Oh!! Please! Oh no!
[Shemp dumps more eggs on Jane’s head. Larry grabs the bottle of milk Jane is holding and opens it.]
JANE: Now cut that---
[Shemp dumps more eggs on Jane’s head and Larry pours all the milk on Jane’s head. They continue to do this. The scene ends]
--THE END--
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